It's the middle of the night here and I am totally exhausted but I can't sleep. Has this ever happened to you? When it happens I wonder how I ever manage to let go of my thoughts on a daily basis long enough to plunge into sleep.
This week was just the shit. Awful. I think I am just still wound up from the week. So, I am just randomly spouting off here till I make myself tired enough to take the trip to dreamland.
These are the things I am thinking of as I am unable to sleep. My head is a horrifying place as you'll see. You're probably thinking about your 401k or your career plans. I am a frightening mishmash of meaningless Homer Simpson-esque ponderings. The only thing missing is the thought bubble with a donut in it over my head. Here goes...
1.)How am I going to die? When is it going to happen? Will people laugh at it? I kind of want them to.
2.)Will anyone ever love me again as completely and unconditionally as my ex did? If they did or do, would I even be able to believe it or am I too jaded and scarred at this point?
3.)If I had unlimited funds, would I really have the guts to get a tummy tuck or would my fear of being butchered or dying unnecessarily relegate me to a lifetime of this unsightly gut?
4.)What does my ass really look like? Is it true that if you are decapitated you live for 7 seconds afterward and is there anyway that someone could time my actual death with decapitating me and kindly hold my head up behind me so I could really truly see the horror that I have always imagined my ass to be?
5.)Should I have some bacon when I wake up?
6.)Are my parents really still with me, watching out for me, guiding me in the right direction, and am I really going to get to see them again?
7.)Is George Clooney really the jerk I suspect him to be? If I was a waitress in an upscale resort or cocktail lounge, would he fall for me too as he seemed to with his last two lady friends?
8.) If I really stick to weight watchers strictly, how long will it take me to lose this last 10 lbs?
9.)Do people just tolerate me because they feel sorry for me, or do they really love me as they say they do? Am I as annoying as I suspect I may be?
10.)I wish I could get a shitload of cosmetic dentistry so I could feel more confident. My teeth are not bad by any means but I would love to have a brighter more even smile.
11.)Does the manager at the grocery store have a crush on me? I think he has for like 10 years now. I feel it. It's not mutual but he hovers around me and talks to me a lot when I'm shopping. He doesn't do this to anyone else. Welp, there is my answer. Der.
12.)Will I ever muster up the courage to tell the hot guy at the Italian deli that I have been in love with him for the past decade and that I buy cheese a lot of the time just to interact with him? "Deli guy, it's not about the Piave or the Parm Reggiano, it's about YOU and your hotness"...
THATS ENOUGH. I'm off to bed.
:)
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