Look at this picture. Aren't they the portrait of a deep connection and a percolating lust? If I didn't already know it , I would have assumed that they were involved off screen as well as on. They have that "look".
Fairly recently I had one of the strangest romantic experiences of my life. Even though I swore to never post details of my personal life here I have decided to tell you about this as a service to women (and the odd man who stumbles here) everywhere. Maybe I should have titled this one "anatomy of a jerk". We'll see how you feel after reading this.
I was cast out into the dating world this past year after the breakup of a very long term relationship. This year, my life has been akin to a real life version of that horrible show "Sex And The City". Understand, I LOATHE that show. I really hate it. I hate the characters, the stories, everything about it. Those women annoy me to no end. Admitting that my life has played out some scenes that could have come straight out of that trash heap of a show is not something I'm proud of but I'm going to come clean here for the purpose of this purge. Two good friends of mine have actually referred to that show after our discussions of whatever romantic escapade of mine we happened to be analyzing. "Wow! That sounds like something right out of Sex And The City!" I'd grimace, I'd groan but in the end, I'd have to admit that yes, I am living a real life version of that debacle and I am totally disgusted at this turn of events.
So to give you a wee background, I've dated over the last year. Oh I've tried. And I've met some genuinely nice guys, some freaks and some flat out jerks. I won't go on into details about every single one but I'm going to choose two in particular just to give you the flavor of my experiences.
There was one who I was completely smitten with. We clicked completely and spent quite a bit of time together. Everything SEEMED to be going well until one day, I never heard from this person again. It hurt. It made me wonder what was wrong with me. Was I not pretty enough? Did I suck in bed? Was I boring? What was it? Now deep down, I am a fairly confident person and an excellent read of people so I knew that none of these speculations were true. And my good girlfriends and even a few guy friends all said the same thing. "It's not you, it's....HIM". This annoyed me. It was me. It had to be me. Why wasn't he still around if I was so great?
The other notable strange experience was with a man who I also "seemed" to really click with. We talked for hours on end. We were extremely attracted to each other. I'm not that dumb that I can't pick up on that at this point in my life. I'm a very humble person and I never think I'm hot stuff but if someone is constantly touching me and staring at me and kissing me well, I think that is a strong indicator that said person likes what they see. So, this guy...OK, lets see. Well, he was intensely neurotic. He was so determined NOT to have a relationship based on sex that he attempted to completely eliminate it and became conflicted at his strong attraction for me. He seemed to ignore that sex is an essential building block of a good relationship out of his fear of focusing only on sex and sex alone. He broke things off by telling me that he just couldn't do "this" and I proceeded to talk to him for about 45 minutes as he dumped me and assure him that what he was doing was fine and that he was going to be OK. That was really fun. There is nothing quite like comforting a person who is dumping you. It's quite surreal.
So these experiences have a place in my dating hall of fame. I told them to you to make a point. That point is, shit happens. People do and say crazy things. Sometimes you can analyze a situation to death and never really know what a person's motives were or are and it can leave you feeling knocked off your feet and bewildered and damage that fragile ego of yours. My confession is this....I am now a real life jerk. Yes, I became one, I've been inducted to the hall of fame of dating jerks and I now have an understanding of all the men who have made me feel like crap about myself and question my worth. What follows is the anatomy of my jerkdom.
It happened one steamy hot afternoon. There I was, walking through times square, the crossroads of the world when all of a sudden, this perfectly wonderful man nearly dropped into my lap. It was like something out of a B movie only it was all too real. I'm going to cast Debra Messing as me and Sascha Baron Cohen as the man I had this experience with. Sascha can be pretty attractive when he is not in his Bruno state. Just sayin'. So anyway, there I was, walking through the Square on a very disgustingly hot day and this person in front of me turned around briefly and then did a double take of me. He then stopped and turned around and asked me to take his picture. I thought nothing of this because we were in times square and people do this all the time here. I took his picture and it didn't come out well. I took it again. He was pretty hot looking. He thanked me and then it happened. He asked me to go for coffee with him. Just like that. It was a Friday afternoon and I was on my way home. I thought for a minute and I heard myself say yes and off we went.
From the minute I met this person, we seemed to already know each other. It was the strangest thing I've ever experienced. He even knew what I wanted to order at the coffee place. We sat for about 45 minutes and almost seemed to "catch up". The conversation flowed so smoothly, there was never an uncomfortable moment. He was visiting family here and was from London. He was a very intelligent person with his own business. He was handsome, he was fun. It was as if he came from the perfect man factory and was delivered to me personally. The conversation went on but it was time to leave the coffee place. He asked me where central park was. I offered to take him since it was on my way. We walked and we even stopped into a Dept store on the way and did a little shopping. The salespeople thought we were a married couple. Two people referred to him as my husband. When we revealed we just met they were all in shock. Everyone said we looked like we were made for each other.
We walked arm in arm to the park. He looked at me and said, "please don't go, I want to spend more time with you". So I decided to go with the moment and stay with him. We walked through the park together, we sat and talked. For 3 1/2 hours. And it seemed like 15 minutes. He decided that he needed to extend his trip and stay over the weekend to spend more time with me. It was insane. We kissed, we held hands, we even walked in silence, content in just being together. Then, all of a sudden I snapped out of whatever trance I was in. I became....A JERK. I just couldn't do it. For the first time in my life I fully understood the "it's not you it's me" rationale. I cannot put my finger on why my feelings shifted, I'm sure it was a lot of things that I won't even go into here. We parted with plans to speak. I left him standing on the corner in front of the Plaza. I will never forget the look on his face. It was the look of someone who is completely smitten and knocked off his feet. And then I did it. I cut him off. Just like that. Leaving the poor guy to wonder....."what about me made her do this?" And my answer is.....absolutely nothing. He was darned near perfect. He adored me, he was hot, I was attracted to him, we connected in such an intense way almost immediately. But I just could not follow through with it. I couldn't even be a nice person about it and tell him this. My response to him was silence. He called me, he emailed me and from me? NOTHING. Every time I thought about speaking with him and explaining, I froze and couldn't do it. He still calls me. He still emails me. And the worst part is, he is perfectly nice about it. He genuinely wants to know how I am and he wants to hear my voice. After writing this I may contact him and put him out of his state of wonder and confusion.
I've thought about this a lot. Someone said to me "maybe you're just not that into him", you know, like that stupid book/movie "he's just not that into you"? I don't know if that's really it, maybe it is, I honestly don't know. What I do know is that I kind of get the men who have done this to me now. And I almost believe that it really wasn't me, that it was indeed them. I once heard someone say that when a man is ready to settle down or commit he does it with whoever he is with at the time because he is just "ready". A woman does it when she finds the person who makes her want to commit and settle.I found that interesting and while not necessarily true in every instance, I think it does bear some merit. Rejection is a bit easier to deal with now after this experience. It will always hurt, but I somehow understand that people can just simply be cowards and that confusion sometimes leads to some not so nice and inconsiderate behavior. It doesn't excuse it, but it sorts it out a bit for me.
I'm not going to say what my current state is but I am happy and content and enjoying my life and grateful for the experiences I've had. They've been annoying, heartwarming, challenging and head scratching and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I really enjoy men, I sometimes wish I didn't with all the trouble relationships cause at times, but there is something wonderful about looking into someones eyes and knowing that you are on the same page.
I was cast out into the dating world this past year after the breakup of a very long term relationship. This year, my life has been akin to a real life version of that horrible show "Sex And The City". Understand, I LOATHE that show. I really hate it. I hate the characters, the stories, everything about it. Those women annoy me to no end. Admitting that my life has played out some scenes that could have come straight out of that trash heap of a show is not something I'm proud of but I'm going to come clean here for the purpose of this purge. Two good friends of mine have actually referred to that show after our discussions of whatever romantic escapade of mine we happened to be analyzing. "Wow! That sounds like something right out of Sex And The City!" I'd grimace, I'd groan but in the end, I'd have to admit that yes, I am living a real life version of that debacle and I am totally disgusted at this turn of events.
So to give you a wee background, I've dated over the last year. Oh I've tried. And I've met some genuinely nice guys, some freaks and some flat out jerks. I won't go on into details about every single one but I'm going to choose two in particular just to give you the flavor of my experiences.
There was one who I was completely smitten with. We clicked completely and spent quite a bit of time together. Everything SEEMED to be going well until one day, I never heard from this person again. It hurt. It made me wonder what was wrong with me. Was I not pretty enough? Did I suck in bed? Was I boring? What was it? Now deep down, I am a fairly confident person and an excellent read of people so I knew that none of these speculations were true. And my good girlfriends and even a few guy friends all said the same thing. "It's not you, it's....HIM". This annoyed me. It was me. It had to be me. Why wasn't he still around if I was so great?
The other notable strange experience was with a man who I also "seemed" to really click with. We talked for hours on end. We were extremely attracted to each other. I'm not that dumb that I can't pick up on that at this point in my life. I'm a very humble person and I never think I'm hot stuff but if someone is constantly touching me and staring at me and kissing me well, I think that is a strong indicator that said person likes what they see. So, this guy...OK, lets see. Well, he was intensely neurotic. He was so determined NOT to have a relationship based on sex that he attempted to completely eliminate it and became conflicted at his strong attraction for me. He seemed to ignore that sex is an essential building block of a good relationship out of his fear of focusing only on sex and sex alone. He broke things off by telling me that he just couldn't do "this" and I proceeded to talk to him for about 45 minutes as he dumped me and assure him that what he was doing was fine and that he was going to be OK. That was really fun. There is nothing quite like comforting a person who is dumping you. It's quite surreal.
So these experiences have a place in my dating hall of fame. I told them to you to make a point. That point is, shit happens. People do and say crazy things. Sometimes you can analyze a situation to death and never really know what a person's motives were or are and it can leave you feeling knocked off your feet and bewildered and damage that fragile ego of yours. My confession is this....I am now a real life jerk. Yes, I became one, I've been inducted to the hall of fame of dating jerks and I now have an understanding of all the men who have made me feel like crap about myself and question my worth. What follows is the anatomy of my jerkdom.
It happened one steamy hot afternoon. There I was, walking through times square, the crossroads of the world when all of a sudden, this perfectly wonderful man nearly dropped into my lap. It was like something out of a B movie only it was all too real. I'm going to cast Debra Messing as me and Sascha Baron Cohen as the man I had this experience with. Sascha can be pretty attractive when he is not in his Bruno state. Just sayin'. So anyway, there I was, walking through the Square on a very disgustingly hot day and this person in front of me turned around briefly and then did a double take of me. He then stopped and turned around and asked me to take his picture. I thought nothing of this because we were in times square and people do this all the time here. I took his picture and it didn't come out well. I took it again. He was pretty hot looking. He thanked me and then it happened. He asked me to go for coffee with him. Just like that. It was a Friday afternoon and I was on my way home. I thought for a minute and I heard myself say yes and off we went.
From the minute I met this person, we seemed to already know each other. It was the strangest thing I've ever experienced. He even knew what I wanted to order at the coffee place. We sat for about 45 minutes and almost seemed to "catch up". The conversation flowed so smoothly, there was never an uncomfortable moment. He was visiting family here and was from London. He was a very intelligent person with his own business. He was handsome, he was fun. It was as if he came from the perfect man factory and was delivered to me personally. The conversation went on but it was time to leave the coffee place. He asked me where central park was. I offered to take him since it was on my way. We walked and we even stopped into a Dept store on the way and did a little shopping. The salespeople thought we were a married couple. Two people referred to him as my husband. When we revealed we just met they were all in shock. Everyone said we looked like we were made for each other.
We walked arm in arm to the park. He looked at me and said, "please don't go, I want to spend more time with you". So I decided to go with the moment and stay with him. We walked through the park together, we sat and talked. For 3 1/2 hours. And it seemed like 15 minutes. He decided that he needed to extend his trip and stay over the weekend to spend more time with me. It was insane. We kissed, we held hands, we even walked in silence, content in just being together. Then, all of a sudden I snapped out of whatever trance I was in. I became....A JERK. I just couldn't do it. For the first time in my life I fully understood the "it's not you it's me" rationale. I cannot put my finger on why my feelings shifted, I'm sure it was a lot of things that I won't even go into here. We parted with plans to speak. I left him standing on the corner in front of the Plaza. I will never forget the look on his face. It was the look of someone who is completely smitten and knocked off his feet. And then I did it. I cut him off. Just like that. Leaving the poor guy to wonder....."what about me made her do this?" And my answer is.....absolutely nothing. He was darned near perfect. He adored me, he was hot, I was attracted to him, we connected in such an intense way almost immediately. But I just could not follow through with it. I couldn't even be a nice person about it and tell him this. My response to him was silence. He called me, he emailed me and from me? NOTHING. Every time I thought about speaking with him and explaining, I froze and couldn't do it. He still calls me. He still emails me. And the worst part is, he is perfectly nice about it. He genuinely wants to know how I am and he wants to hear my voice. After writing this I may contact him and put him out of his state of wonder and confusion.
I've thought about this a lot. Someone said to me "maybe you're just not that into him", you know, like that stupid book/movie "he's just not that into you"? I don't know if that's really it, maybe it is, I honestly don't know. What I do know is that I kind of get the men who have done this to me now. And I almost believe that it really wasn't me, that it was indeed them. I once heard someone say that when a man is ready to settle down or commit he does it with whoever he is with at the time because he is just "ready". A woman does it when she finds the person who makes her want to commit and settle.I found that interesting and while not necessarily true in every instance, I think it does bear some merit. Rejection is a bit easier to deal with now after this experience. It will always hurt, but I somehow understand that people can just simply be cowards and that confusion sometimes leads to some not so nice and inconsiderate behavior. It doesn't excuse it, but it sorts it out a bit for me.
I'm not going to say what my current state is but I am happy and content and enjoying my life and grateful for the experiences I've had. They've been annoying, heartwarming, challenging and head scratching and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I really enjoy men, I sometimes wish I didn't with all the trouble relationships cause at times, but there is something wonderful about looking into someones eyes and knowing that you are on the same page.
3 comments:
Hold it. Sasha Baron Cohen with a British accent (I guess he already has one) and you left him hanging?
Perhaps you've been smoking that hookah pipe a little too long, Miss Fussbudget.
L.M.F said...
LOL, I know, I know. I can't explain it I am a rude, insensitive hookak smoking jerk. I guess that's all there is to it. Not only that, he spoke 5 diff languages, was worldly...etc etc. I cannot put my finger on why my response was so messed up. Guess it was too much too soon? I wished for a man like this, he drops into my lap and I blow it. GO FIGURE.
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