Have you seen this show "America's Got Talent"? It's the Velveeta of TV shows. The judges alone are enough to make me want to smash my precious, hard earned flat screen TV to smithereens. The panel consists of bloated, has-been alcoholic David Hasselhoff, opinionated, irritating shrew Sharon Osbourne, and talentless, pompous ass Piers Morgan (what has this guy done to qualify him as a judge of talent?). Now, Mariah Carey's young husband Nick Cannon is hosting this embarrassment. After acts perfom, they pan over to him in the wings making really idiotic comments, I.E. "Wow, loved that hoop they used, gotta get one for me and my wife in our bedroom *WINK*." She must be simultaneously proud and shamed that he finally landed a job. (Former host Jerry Springer in in the pic I've posted because I love him and he actually made this show mildly bearable for me).
Anyway, the show primarily consists of people making asses out of themselves. Occasionally there is some actual talent but for the most part there are people like a guy who shoves a drill up his nose, another guy who wears a dress and plays the accordion while yodeling, a James Brown/Obama impersonator,a guy who hangs concrete slabs from his eyeballs and smashes them, a super creepy middle aged couple who wears skintight metallic spandex, glittery make up and swings around on a hoop together to the song stylings of Barry White, throw in a bunch of people doing bad impressions and pet gimmicks and there you have it....you get the pic. The normal, talented ones are usually kids who sing or adults who have had rough lives and sing well too. Oh, there is always a person or a group of people who have a tragic story, like a parent dying and leaving them orphaned or a terrible illness or accident nearly killing them and we hear the story of their survival. I guess I'm a really hard bitch these days because while I feel bad for you that your wife died on the operating table, you still can't sing/juggle/impersonate/ so best of luck to you but please get off my TV. These types of shows really make me feel like I am in a real life version of a Simpsons spoof of a bad TV show.
A few years back, a ventriloquist won the grand prize. That my friends, says it all. I have never understood that "talent" at all. Maybe back in the 50's with Charlie McCarthy or whatever his name was, it was innocent and good fun but everything was innocent back then. Now it is creepy and stupid. Aren't we more advanced at this point than to be viewing a guy pretending to make a dummy talk as entertainment? Oh and shhhhh, I don't want to be captain obvious here but....his. mouth. is. moving. I .saw. it.
I guess this show makes me wonder how soul killing a person's life must be to think of shoving a drill up your nose as a means to an end, you know? Maybe I'll give up on this work thing I've been doing and cultivate a crazy talent that will get me off this perpetual grind. Hmmmmm, what could I do? I do have the uncanny ability to sound like that voice you get when you dial a disconnected number and get the recording telling you so. Is there a market for this? I could be the Susan Boyle of something, I'm middle aged and never married, isn't that tragic in itself by most of America's standards? I may be too hot to be a tragic figure though, I don't have a frump factor going on.
Does anyone have David Hasselhoffs number?
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