As you can see, I went to the dentist today. It was AWESOME. The hygienist drove me crazy, she did not shut up throughout my entire visit. I actually felt like crying at one point from the stress of having to talk to her with my mouth half open. At one point, a spider landed on me and she batted it off screaming like a banshee. The rest of the time she was nervously looking around the room for the escaped spider while I sat there in that helpless position with the air hose sucking up my saliva and my mouth propped open like a beckoning invitation to that wayward insect.
I've got nothing for ya right now. I am obviously in a horribly foul bitchay mood right now. You know when every living thing annoys you? I am so there. Like "want to jump out of my skin" there. Did I mention that I've been getting really strange calls from David Duchovny lately too? I have no idea what that's all about. I actually bought a lottery ticket today so I would have hope for just a few hours till the drawing. Frankly, the way I feel right now....were I to win, I would just disappear off the face of civilization. I would run off and isolate like a weird reclusive Howard Hughs-esque freak. I would eat Bacon everyday, I would ban the phrase "hockey mom", I would wear obscenely expensive diamond teardrop earrings everyday and I would invent some incomprehensible and seriously flawed new self help theory that would make Oprah my disciple and the rest would be history.
Actually, speaking of Bacon (this word should always be capitalized in my opinion), I have decided to swear off men for the rest of my life and to replace them with Bacon. Bacon actually has met my needs over the years better than any man I have ever had a relationship with. It's always enjoyable, it makes any situation better, it sizzles if I want it to, it satisfies me 100% of the time. I never eat a piece of Bacon and feel lacking afterwards. Even cheap supermarket Bacon. There is simply no such thing as bad bacon. I am nearly a vegetarian but the one thing I will not surrender is my Bacon. I don't want to hear horror stories about the way it is obtained, please just let me have my Bacon. I've got nothing left at this point except my Bacon. Give me Bacon or give me death. Once, I was at this chi chi gourmet store called Dean and Deluca and they had this fancy Bacon from Ct, from a special smokehouse. It was "peppered" bacon. Huge thick slices that got a crispy pepper crust and made really really heavenly blt's. Anyway.....the day I bought it, some wonderful person had mismarked the packages to be priced at $1 instead of $10 each. I bought 6 glorious pounds of that bacon that day. It was the best day of my life, better than the day I met my ex-BF. My very favorite bacon in the world though (and I've tried a lot) is from Harringtons in Vermont. It is Cob smoked....it is faaaaabulous. I always buy at least 4 lbs when I am there. If I smoked I would need a cigarette after eating that Bacon, it's THAT good. .......sorry for the Bacon tangent there, just talking about it put me in a better mood. Ahhhhhh.
Stay tuned for my review of Friday nights "Dirty Papers"......you'll have to take a peek to find out what that's about!!!
That's all for now :)
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