Look at the lovely lady to the right. Ms.Rita Hayworth. They don't make them like that anymore, or do they? I always thought of her as a classic diva. After listening to bad news every day lately regarding the sorry state of affairs in this country I have to say that reading the Dirty Papers this week was sorely needed. Taking in total nonsense about celebrity habits and scandal took the focus off of my constant worrying and fretting about the state of my own life as well. This week, I am not going to give a review of the top stories but I wanted to mention one in particular that made me simultaneously disgusted and jealous as hell. The story I am speaking of is one that details the demands of performers when they are making an appearance. I am disgusted with this because these people are being paid outrageously to begin with. I am jealous because, well, I want to demand my favorite bacon, fancy pastries, Trader Joe's Jo Jo cookies and dark chocolate with roasted almonds, Slatkin candles, classic jazz CD's, an on call masseuse, makeup artist and personal chef at my disposal at all times. I cannot even begin to imagine what this kind of life would be like, but I damned well deserve it after everything I do all week at work and after my life experiences in general. I remember many years ago hearing that Van Halen always asked for M&M's with a certain color picked out of the bag. Now that is just plain controlling and ridiculous yet I long to be able to ask for something this random and actually be able to get it. .
The first performer discussed is Celine Dion. She appears to have a 67 page contract that demands Bavarian figs, French cherries, 20 to 24 members of the best local children's choir, and at least 11 onstage bodyguards, 8 of whom must be on chairs that can swivel 30 degrees. She also travels with a personal dentist and has an on call throat specialist. I want to know why 30 degrees is specified here? What does this mean? What would happen if it was 35 degrees and what is so great about Bavarian figs? I am officially vowing to experience Bavarian figs before I die. Can someone trell me what the deal is with them? They are now added to my list.
Christina Aguilera requests a police escort to her performances. She specifies that "under no circumstances are the vehicles to be allowed to encounter any delays due to traffic". Now this is something I would really do if I was completely self centered and filthy rich. I would use it to go to the grocery store, to Marshall's, just everywhere. I would even use it to get to my mailbox, yes I would. And yes, I would still go to those places if I was loaded. She also demands 10 bottles of room temperature water as long as it's not Evian brand. I agree with her on that. I recently had Evian and it was really horrible tasting. It's funny that it started the bottled water craze because it really is the worst out there. She also asks for "real" plates and utensils, nothing plastic, organic only fruit and veggie platters, carnation instant breakfast original malt flavor and Flintstones vitamins. What's with the Flintstones x-tina? And the carnation mix doesn't seem to go with organic veggies. I guess this is just a case of "What a Girl Wants". (You had to know that was coming didn't you?)
Beyonce requests chicken smothered in fresh garlic, season salt, black pepper and cayenne pepper heavily seasoned. Does this make anyone else really hungry just thinking about it? She also wants her room to be maintained at 78 degrees and a private bathroom cleaned with disinfectant. Shouldn't every bathroom be cleaned like this anyway? I really want some spicy chicken right now after reading this.
Mariah Carey requests albacore tuna packed in water, homemade desserts, tea made with Poland spring water, Cristal champagne, diet coke, snapple and bendy straws to drink with. Oh and her deli turkey must be sliced wafer thin and her towels must be large and fluffy. Champagne and fluffy towels are officially added to my list.
Singer Amy Winehouse asks for two bottles of red wine, a case of lager, large bottles of vodka, champagne and courvoisier. She also wants mineral water, organic yogurt, fruit smoothies and contact info for the closest gym. The alcohol part I get but the organic yogurt and gym info baffles me. She looks within an inch of death. Does she really care about working out when she is probably under 100 lbs and ready to fall over at any minute?
Paula Abdul demands a breakfast of toast, bagels, English muffins, fresh fruit, coffee, 4 gallons of milk, 2 gallons of orange juice. Lunch is a hot soup, deli platter, potato chips and cookies. Dinner is salad, two entrees and a vegetarian meal, fruit salad and dessert. Paula, I want to travel with you. For someone so tiny she really focuses on her food and I like that. How crazy can she be when cookies and chips are in her life?
Finally, I saved the best for last, Ms J. Lo. She specifies that her furniture ,drapes and candles must all be white and diptyque brand only. Her trailer must be 40 feet long. Her Evian water kept at room temp and she only wants apricot, mango and peach juices...apple and grape are forbidden. She also has a huge sweet tooth and request brownies, apple pie a la mode and chocolate chip cookies. OK J. Lo, the desserts make me almost like you and think there is a part of you that is still normal.
So there you have it. I am going to ask my boss if she can have champagne and a masseuse available for me during our next staff meeting. It's the very least she could do after everything I endure while working during the week. Maybe I can even finagle some apple pie out of it too??
That's all for now! :)
2 comments:
I have always felt sorry for Rita Hayworth. She had many marriages, but none of them lasted. She said something along the lines of "Men fell in love with Gilda and then woke up with me".
OMG, that is so sad. I think she suffered from serious depresssion too. I remember hearing that she struggled with some big issues.
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