Why hello there. You're looking awfully beautiful tonite. What's that you ask? Come closer my dear, I want to smell your scent and take you in. Would you like a glass of champagne to loosen up a bit? Oh, yes, I do enjoy posing nude in really awkward positions, it's one of my guilty pleasures. Before we get down to business here, I think I should tell you that I just entered a $40,000 rehab program called "The Meadows" in Arizona. No, I'm not on drugs. No I don't have an alcohol problem. Actually I love to cheat on my wife. I get a kick out of it. I've done it many times over the years and she has finally had it with me and that is why I
am at this rehab place.
Ever since my career hit the skids post X Files, cheating has provided me with that ego boost that I used to get from being a well known celebrity. Yeah, I have two small kids but I just couldn't help myself. Thank God someone came up with this ridiculous "Sex Addict" label or my marriage would be over! Phew! There is even an "expert" who says that as a sex addict, I am powerless, yes, powerless at controlling my urges! Can you believe it? Have I lucked out or what? This "expert" also said that (and I quote her) " a sex addict needs it, must have it, no matter with whom". I think I'm going to call up this expert and ask her what she's doing for lunch next week when I am out of this "rehab" place. She sounds pretty hot.
Oh yeah, there is also a story in the news as of today that there is actually a "cheating gene" found in men! Medical researchers actually spent their time finding this thing! Holy Shit! This is like Christmas, my Birthday and the Superbowl all at once! Finally! I don't have to own up to my shitty, selfish decisions!!! I CAN'T HELP IT!! The news and a sex/relationship expert says so! Do you realize what all of this means?? Well, the next time I cheat, and I will, it will be called ........A RELAPSE!! Somebody pinch me. I must be dreaming.
I am also trying to get my therapist to write me a note to take home to my wife that will justify my inability to pick up my dirty socks and underwear and take out the garbage. I have learned that my resistance to doing these things goes way back to my childhood when my mother used to withhold affection from me till I finished my chores. To this day, it is extremely painful for me to touch my underwear once it has dropped to the floor. Taking out the garbage sends me into hysterics and I never understood why till today. Isn't it great having an annoying , selfish quality that can be labeled as a mental illness or trauma related?
But enough about me. What about you? Lets slide into this nice warm Jacuzzi and just cuddle. What do you say? Did I ever tell you about this show I used to be on?
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