OK, I have to tell you something that may make you wince and see me in a completely different light. I have this habit, it's a habit that I am not really proud of but it's a habit I am known for by those who really know me. As a matter of fact, when I met the ex, he used to poke fun at me about this but he ended up joining me in this ritual of mine as well and he became just as hooked as I am. Every week, like clockwork, I buy what is referred to by my Aunt Barb as.....THE DIRTY PAPERS. Yes, I've admitted it. For some reason, Aunt Barb has always used this phrase to refer to the Enquirer, Globe, and Star. When she first said it, it really cracked me up, but it stuck and now that is what I call them too. The Ex always used to call me on Wed nite on his way home from work when they were freshly on newsstand's and ask in a hushed tone in case anyone was listening to him..."do you need me to pick up the Dirties?". I cannot explain why I read this garbage. I do not care about the lives of celebrities as someone who might read these things probably does. A lot of what is in these publications irritates the crap out of me, but for some reason it is something I must do every week. On Friday nights after a hard week, I light a scented candle, crawl into bed after a nice relaxing shower and I just lay there and page through without a care or a worry in my mind. It is as if looking at these magazines temporarily shuts the thinking part of my brain off and I am on a different setting...automatic. This is not a bad thing. When the ex used to be in another room reading them he would occasionally yell out...."oh my God, Bjorks outfit at the grammy's was really insane!"...or "poor Oprah, she's fat again" ....or the ever popular..."when will that Jennifer Anniston learn how to pick a man that right for her? and "My God Nicole Ritchie is sickly looking!".
Today, I am going to share with you the top stories in the Dirties and hopefully, it will take your mind off whatever is concerning you at the moment like it does for me. This week I have zeroed in on some stories in the Globe and the Enquirer. I only buy the Globe, Enquirer and Star. I draw the line at the papers with two headed babies and aliens found living in the 7-11 down the block from me.
This week we hit the Globe with:
1.)Michelle Obama has humiliated Oprah
2.)Lindsay Lohan rips her Bully Dad for bashing her galpal (and here I thought the word galpal was no longer used?)
3.) David spade can't keep his hands off a hot blond in a barely there dress
4.)Samuel L Jackson is and even bigger asshole then I ever imagined or suspected
5.)Magician/illusionist David Blaine is up to his public stunt antics again.
6.)Sheila Woods' Friendship club personals are once again chock full of personal adds from Correctional facility inmates, women from Ghana looking to "relocate" to the U.S., and men looking for Asian women.
Honorable mention to the Enquirer with a story about
1)Oprah declares "I hate being fat". Props to Miss Oprah for making it into 2 dirty papers this week.
OK...lets start with Oprah. She's fat and Michelle Obama has humiliated her. What a rough week for our Oprah. First of all, I seriously want to know how these magazines have determined that Oprah weighs "262 lbs" as they are screaming.There is no way this is true. One of my hidden talents is guessing peoples weights and am usually within a 5 lb range. There is no way Oprah is this big and as a person who has my share of weight issues it really pisses me off when these tabloids throw numbers out there like this. Anyway.....she is shown drinking big decadent cocktails and there is even a report of her gorging herself (their words) on Kobe beef, lobster dipped in butter and a breakfast buffet featuring pancakes and omelets. Now if I was Oprah, I would make people sign a privacy contract that would forbid them from talking about my meals. We are talking about the worlds richest woman here, why is it news that she ate pancakes while she was on vacation? I can only imagine what would be printed about me: "last night, fussbudget was spotted eating 3 donut holes, 4 crackers with peanut butter and a handful of Swedish fish. Her Dr is fed up with her poor nutrition and has told her that she will face certain hospitalization if she doesn't clean up her act soon. She has already been seen buying bags full of vitamin supplements to offset her lack of vitamins in the garbage she calls food. "
Now as far as the Michelle Obama story, Michelle ordered Oprah away when Barack accepted the nomination at the democratic convention. She didn't want Oprah stealing the spotlight. I see nothing wrong with this and in this case I think it was the right thing to do if it is true. Oprah is an entity unto herself. Any event she shows up at is eclipsed by her presence not to mention the gory details of what she drank and snacked on while she was at the aforementioned event. Throw in wild guesses at what her weight currently is and why her long suffering boyfriend Steadman wasn't there with her and there you have it. People would barely remember Obama accepting the nomination but everyone would be talking about how well Oprah carried off her figure hugging outfit despite her weight gain and how flattering her new hair-do was.
Next we have the Lindsay Lohan story. She is pissed that her scumbag father branded her "ladylove" a parasite. Lindsay called her Dad a "public embarrassment and a bully". I don't know what it is about this girl but for some reason I want her to be happy and her family strikes me as a bunch of selfish, opportunistic users. I stand behind La Lohan on this one despite my past annoyances with her.
David Spade was seen pawing a blond woman and buying several bottles of champagne at $600 a pop. OK, I really really loathe David Spade. He is a symbol for everything I hate in the world. He is a smart assed, egotistical jerkoff who doesn't deserve what he's got. I never liked him and stories of his pathetic attempts at being a ladies man make my skin crawl. I simply cannot imagine giving that worm the time of day. Even if I was a money hungry star fucker, I would spit in his face if he ever approached me in a romantic way. Thank God there is no chance of that ever happening for both of our sakes. A Friendly warning for you David Spade, stick with the blond airheads with giant fake boobs for I am too much woman for the likes of you.
Samuel L Jackson is a self absorbed fat head. First of all, I do not like anyone using an initial in their name. It sounds forced and like they are trying too hard to be unique. In the featured interview segment in this weeks globe, Mr Jackson reports that he doesn't like stupidity, wastefulness, ignorance and people who are not as prepared as him when it comes to a job. Wow, that is deep Mr J. Have you considered running for Miss Universe? I think your thoughts would make a good answer to a question in the interview segment of a beauty pageant. He also stated that he loves to watch himself on television and that his favorite Samuel L. Jackson film is "A Long Kiss Good night". MAJOR points off for referring to himself in the tense of third person not to mention being his own biggest fan. Wrapping up the interview is his admission (for the 50th time) of being an alcoholic and going to AA years ago. I believe this was a backpedaling attempt by Mr J at appearing to be flawed and human after inadvertently revealing his true egotistical nature. Nice attempt at redeeming yourself Sam. Oh and lets not get into his preference for rocking Kangol hats. Enough with the Kangol hats. We know, you are edgy and cool, we get it already.
In finishing up with celeb news, David Blaine is doing another TV special. This time he will hang on the underside of a wire with NO safety net 5 stories above the street for 3 days starting September 22. He will be using electromagnetic boots and walk back and forth above NYC's Wollman ice skating rink. His TV special will be called"David Blaine, Dive of Death". Sources report, he will be fighting muscle spasms, lack of sleep and poor circulation. Let me start by saying that this guys antics usually bug me but I am inexplicably attracted to him. He sounds like an idiot when he opens his mouth and starts talking but I find him disturbingly sexy. He would be the kind of guy that I could not admit to having a fling with. The kind of guy that I would be embarrassed to admit that I was ever with but I would be sneaking around to be with every minute of the day because there is something magnetic about him and well, he's got it in a way I cannot put my finger on. Actually, I once had a thing with a guy like him. It was something that I look back on in amazement. I still think of this guy now. We had nothing to talk about, we used to just stare at each other and the relationship was purely physical. My friends at the time knew him, but to this day no one knows we had any relationship whatsoever. This is what David Blaine is to me. I just want to stare at him and know him in a biblical sense. Nothing more because he seems like a strange annoying person once he begins to speak.
Lastly, I must choose my personal pick for the personal ad of the week from "Sheila Woods friendship club". This is basically the personals section of the Globe. The Ex and I used to LOVE reading them to each other and imagining what the people behind these ads were really like. There is an alarming amount of them coming from correctional facilities (I.E JAIL/PRISON.....get the pic). There are also a lot of men looking for Asian women and quite a few ads from women in Ghana (???) looking for "generous" men who will marry them and help them re-locate here in the states. This top pick is from a Canadian gentleman and it is as follows:
"Looking for the special someone! SWM, 47, 5' 11", 160 lbs. Very good health, great shape. Non/smoker/drinker/drugs/gambling. Christian, believes in being faithful to one person in marriage. Love animals especially dogs. Enjoy old movies, drawing pictures, music, martial arts, long walks,nice restaurants. Looking for a very nice, single, beautiful, voluptuous,sexy woman, 30-42, 5'4"-5'9", 150 -200 lbs. ISO someone kinds, sincere,loving and romantic who has similar interests as well as her own. Searching for an easygoing, down to earth Mexican/Spanish woman, someone very much like the actress Salma Hayek. Also a Canadian American or Asian woman from Montreal would be nice. "
OK, ya had me till the drawing pictures and Salma Hayek part. And if Salma is not available you'll take an Asian woman? This guy sounds like a major redneck who wants a subservient doormat. PASS.
And finally, as an added bonus here is my favorite personal ad this week from a woman looking for a man. "Correctional Institution inmate, SWF 5'6", 135 lbs, educated, athletic, long legs, 36-28-36. Seeking older, secure gentleman who always wants the best for me. Knowing whether I'm silly or serious, frowning or smiling, I can turn to you and you'll always be there."....excuse me Ma'am?? What is in this for this guy besides the fact that you are educated and you have long legs ? You're in jail for crying out loud. Will that great brain of yours and long legs be running off with that older gentleman's bank account at first chance? I really don't think you should be expecting so much so soon. I'm not judging you, but maybe you should prioritize and look for a job first after you are released and THEN think about looking for a soul mate?
So there you have it kids, the week in review in a nutshell!
That's all for now :)
3 comments:
This column brought back fond memories of me and my Grandmother propped up in bed flipping through her selection of tabloids (including True Crime, which was pretty intense for a young girl) and Lawrence Welk playing on the TV. Very good memories and I miss her very much.
Btw, my mom would not allow those magazines in the house, so it was a special treat to read and discuss them with my paternal grandma.
That is so sweet L!! I remember true Crime, God I feel old. I think it was around in the 70's when I was small. I also remember True Confessions! That was a bit smuttier I think. My mother never had those either but her best friend Mary did and she used to babysit me. Whenever I went over there it was a glimpse of the saltier side of side. She smoked like a chimney and had all those magazines laying around, I loved her. She used to make jello with whole cherries in it too for me which the major selling point of going over to Mary's!! LOL! Damn I'm old :( I remember LW too, I loved Norma and Jim. Can you imagine that on now? Boy were times different then!
You call them Dirty Papers, my Mom and I call them the Trashy Papers. Every week during our grocery run, we stop at the news stand for our "trashies" -- it's our little guilty pleasure. When I walk in the door here at home, the first thing out of my DH's mouth is, "Where's my GLOBE?"
Thanks for a great laugh!
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