Well, I must say.....I am the woman who has professed her hatred for blogs for years. This is indeed a dark day for me. I guess it's not really the blogs I dislike, it's the notion that everyone has something interesting to say and that they must be heard. After reading quite a few blogs, I have come to the conclusion that a blog can be totally self indulgent babble, an outlet not even intended for many others to read. That is what I hope this will be for me, an outlet and nothing more. If you are reading this it is may be a freak occurrence because I have not advertised that I was doing this to everyone I know. A few people yes, but a only handful. You have been warned, I have nothing life-changing or really interesting to say. This blog is not going to pretend to be anything important or meaningful. Read at your own risk if you've found me.
Why did I choose this name? Well I've been called a fussbudget on occasion. For anyone who doesn't know what this word means it is a person who fusses about unimportant things. I do have a tendency to pick up on things that most people just walk right by and never really think about or ruminate on. I still remember the name of the actress who played Hazel on the 1960's sitcom.(FYI, it was Shirley Booth). What will knowing this get me? It would never even be a question on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. It is totally useless knowledge. I have no idea why I can do this, I've just always been this way, even as a small child. I wish my brain would focus on truly important things that would help me navigate my way through life easier but I am cursed with a penchant for totally useless tidbits of info. So be it.
I am going to use this blog as a freeform vehical for my random thoughts. I am also going through a terrible break-up of a long term relationship and to be honest with you, this is my distraction to get me through the tough times I am dealing with. So there you have the boring details.
Today, I want to talk about being newly single and just give you a hint of what my current topic of fuss is. This post will probably be a bit boring and angsty because I'm just giving you a little background on what my current situation/state of mind/reason for doing this is. I was in a very intense (we're talking Liz Taylor/Richard Burton crazy-like) 8 year relationship till a month ago when it suddenly imploded. If you knew the circumstances you would be shocked at this turn of events.
Anyway, I really don't have the energy to go into the whole sordid mess right now, I'm sure I will bore you with the complete unabridged version later but I must say, this being single thing is quite an adjustment. I have never been a man centered woman. I was alone for many years before I met my love. I never went to bars, never really dated, never even actively looked. It wasn't that I didn't want someone to share things with, I just didn't feel desperate about it. I figured that nature would take it's course and my partner would find me or vice versa. Even being with him for all these years was something so easy and natural for me. I still kept my friends, my own interests, my own apartment and life. We were best friends but I was not intertwined with him in an annoying weareoneinthesameperson kind of way. This is why it has been so surprising to me that being suddenly single is such a difficult thing for me now.
I seem to notice every damned couple cooing at each other in public everywhere I go. I never noticed this before. And it makes me feel.......sooooooooo alone and like a complete reject. Not only do I notice all the couple antics around me, my hurting heart/brain immediately thinks..."suuuure, it's good now but wait till he decides he's bored" or......"it's only a matter of time till that glow wears off".....It's just awful!! This experience has turned me into a really jaded crab. Well, to be honest, I've always been a little of each of those but now it is just full fledged. If the Pope asked me out I would be looking for a wife and kids under his robes. That is how damaged I am from this. I've had other break- ups, I am no spring chicken, but this one just hit me like a ton of bricks. I never saw it coming. This was to be my partner for life.
Anyway, there are situations now when I feel this really powerful "YOU ARE ALONE" feeling and it is not a good feeling. It happens when friends are kind to me and make an effort to get me out of the house and focusing on something else. It happens when I am around a couple I know well and love dearly who are always pawing at each other. It happens when I am walking around and see couples being affectionate and I think to myself, hmmm, that used to be me. But now it's not. Now I am a single dork who is getting older and is never going to find anyone and is going to be alone forever. What the hell is it with the "I AM GOING TO DIE ALONE" thing that keeps echoing through my head? I used to think that if we stayed together one of us would go first anyway so I would end up alone in the end but now it just seems.......pathetic. And I keep thinking of the old maid card in the deck. The withered old woman with the gray bun, glasses and a sour look on her face. Ack.
So yeah, I am kinda negative right now. I know it will change eventually but for now, it is just really draining and dramarama. I'm pretty much past the crying till I throw up stage (I do still manage to do that but it is not daily anymore). As a regular national enquirer reader, I'm going to take a leap and have faith that I will recover from this. I say this because I just finished reading about the lovely Jennifer Annistons' breakup from that complete douchebag John Mayer. Ms. Anniston already seems to be flirting up a storm with her next conquest within record speed. Now if I had her bucks and ability to go on ridiculously extravagant vacations and shopping sprees I'm sure I would be "getting over" this a bit easier. I am sitting here in my tiny apartment, planning my frozen lean cuisine entree for later and enjoying my $3 sale body lotion from sephora. Jennifer and I are clearly in different realms but I do admire her ability to go out in public still looking fabulous with her cute figure and her game face. And what exactly was she thinking with John Mayer?? He is one of the most annoying people on the planet, besides Dr Oz but that's for another day.
That's all for now :)
Why did I choose this name? Well I've been called a fussbudget on occasion. For anyone who doesn't know what this word means it is a person who fusses about unimportant things. I do have a tendency to pick up on things that most people just walk right by and never really think about or ruminate on. I still remember the name of the actress who played Hazel on the 1960's sitcom.(FYI, it was Shirley Booth). What will knowing this get me? It would never even be a question on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. It is totally useless knowledge. I have no idea why I can do this, I've just always been this way, even as a small child. I wish my brain would focus on truly important things that would help me navigate my way through life easier but I am cursed with a penchant for totally useless tidbits of info. So be it.
I am going to use this blog as a freeform vehical for my random thoughts. I am also going through a terrible break-up of a long term relationship and to be honest with you, this is my distraction to get me through the tough times I am dealing with. So there you have the boring details.
Today, I want to talk about being newly single and just give you a hint of what my current topic of fuss is. This post will probably be a bit boring and angsty because I'm just giving you a little background on what my current situation/state of mind/reason for doing this is. I was in a very intense (we're talking Liz Taylor/Richard Burton crazy-like) 8 year relationship till a month ago when it suddenly imploded. If you knew the circumstances you would be shocked at this turn of events.
Anyway, I really don't have the energy to go into the whole sordid mess right now, I'm sure I will bore you with the complete unabridged version later but I must say, this being single thing is quite an adjustment. I have never been a man centered woman. I was alone for many years before I met my love. I never went to bars, never really dated, never even actively looked. It wasn't that I didn't want someone to share things with, I just didn't feel desperate about it. I figured that nature would take it's course and my partner would find me or vice versa. Even being with him for all these years was something so easy and natural for me. I still kept my friends, my own interests, my own apartment and life. We were best friends but I was not intertwined with him in an annoying weareoneinthesameperson kind of way. This is why it has been so surprising to me that being suddenly single is such a difficult thing for me now.
I seem to notice every damned couple cooing at each other in public everywhere I go. I never noticed this before. And it makes me feel.......sooooooooo alone and like a complete reject. Not only do I notice all the couple antics around me, my hurting heart/brain immediately thinks..."suuuure, it's good now but wait till he decides he's bored" or......"it's only a matter of time till that glow wears off".....It's just awful!! This experience has turned me into a really jaded crab. Well, to be honest, I've always been a little of each of those but now it is just full fledged. If the Pope asked me out I would be looking for a wife and kids under his robes. That is how damaged I am from this. I've had other break- ups, I am no spring chicken, but this one just hit me like a ton of bricks. I never saw it coming. This was to be my partner for life.
Anyway, there are situations now when I feel this really powerful "YOU ARE ALONE" feeling and it is not a good feeling. It happens when friends are kind to me and make an effort to get me out of the house and focusing on something else. It happens when I am around a couple I know well and love dearly who are always pawing at each other. It happens when I am walking around and see couples being affectionate and I think to myself, hmmm, that used to be me. But now it's not. Now I am a single dork who is getting older and is never going to find anyone and is going to be alone forever. What the hell is it with the "I AM GOING TO DIE ALONE" thing that keeps echoing through my head? I used to think that if we stayed together one of us would go first anyway so I would end up alone in the end but now it just seems.......pathetic. And I keep thinking of the old maid card in the deck. The withered old woman with the gray bun, glasses and a sour look on her face. Ack.
So yeah, I am kinda negative right now. I know it will change eventually but for now, it is just really draining and dramarama. I'm pretty much past the crying till I throw up stage (I do still manage to do that but it is not daily anymore). As a regular national enquirer reader, I'm going to take a leap and have faith that I will recover from this. I say this because I just finished reading about the lovely Jennifer Annistons' breakup from that complete douchebag John Mayer. Ms. Anniston already seems to be flirting up a storm with her next conquest within record speed. Now if I had her bucks and ability to go on ridiculously extravagant vacations and shopping sprees I'm sure I would be "getting over" this a bit easier. I am sitting here in my tiny apartment, planning my frozen lean cuisine entree for later and enjoying my $3 sale body lotion from sephora. Jennifer and I are clearly in different realms but I do admire her ability to go out in public still looking fabulous with her cute figure and her game face. And what exactly was she thinking with John Mayer?? He is one of the most annoying people on the planet, besides Dr Oz but that's for another day.
That's all for now :)
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