Hey Ladies, you Ladies!! A Bittersweet Warning from Charlene to Women Everywhere.....

Now that I understand how to post a video/link here, a monster has been created. I have obviously been doing some reminiscing lately about my youth and in the spirit of the 70's, I present to you the inimitable Charlene.

If you were around in the late 70's early 80's there is just no way you could not remember this one. Unfortunately, I know every last word to this song. I even have the bizarre speaking interlude down to a "T". This is one of those songs that I just know despite fighting it. My brain absorbed this schlock like a hungry sponge and all these years later I still know every last detail and inflection of it. The use of the word 'Lady" is strictly a late 70's/ 80's thing and it only adds to the quirky charm of this one. Remember the Commodores "Lady"? Kenny Rogers "Lady"?? See what I'm saying? Whenever I hear a man refer to his wife or girlfriend today as "my lady" I have to stifle to urge to burst out laughing and look for his Members Only jacket. It's just not something we really should be saying anymore. for me, it's right up there with groovy.


According to info taken from Wikipedia, this song was originally released in 1976 and it only reached #97 on the hot 100 singles of 1977. Can you imagine what was almost lost to us forever? This gem went undiscovered until 1982 when DJ Scott Shannon brought attention to it at the Florida radio station he resided at. The 1982 version of this song has that glorious spoken bridge added. What would it be without that? Charlene became so hot at the time that she even released a duet with Stevie Wonder . I think that alone confirms she was quite the "it" girl of 1982.



Over the years, this has become the song that just wouldn't die. It was the opening track to the 1994 movie "The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert". When that film became an musical play in Australia Charlene was all over Aussie TV singing it as well. With talk of this play coming to the UK and U.S soon Charlene has even recorded a newer version recently. A few years back she also released a dance mix version of it as well. I now present to you....Charlene's "Never Been to Me"





Frankly, I'd like to have a sit down with Charlene and tell her what I think of her and her cautionary tale. She obviously intended this as a warning to "discontented mothers, and regimented wives" everywhere but her bad ass bragging about her fabulous life makes me feel even more lacking and like I have been sitting on the sidelines here for way too long. Charlene, your whining about your empty yet fabulous life is just not having the impact on me that I think you intended it to.

How can I feel sorry for a woman who has been to Nice, the Isle of Greece and sipped champagne on a yacht?? Why she even moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed em what she's got! Granted, she's been undressed by kings and seen some things that "a woman ain't 'supposed to see", but it still sounds miles better than the constant struggle to survive that I'm dealing with here on a daily basis. This is supposed to make me appreciate my crappy life how Charlene? OK, so you made love (ACK!!!!! there it is!!) with a preacher man in the sun and that is definitely NOT cool. Do I smell Joel Osteen here somewhere? And there's that part about how you've spent your "life exploring the subtle whoring" that costs too much to be free? POOR YOU. You're a self admitted whore/good time girl who has been enjoying the sweet life and now I'm supposed to believe that you'd rather be dealing with my predictably boring existence that makes me want to tear my hair out at least 3x a week? Sure, OK, that's believable. Oh and please refrain from using the phrase "making love" thank you very much.


I particularly like the spoken part in this..."Hey, you know what paradise is? It's a lie. A fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be. But you know what truth is? It's that little baby you're holding, and it's that man you fought with this morning. The same one you're going to make love with tonight, That's truth, that's love!" And there you have it. Life advice from a self admitted whore. Thanks for caring Charlene. Chances are that if I've fought with my husband in the morning I am not going to be "making love" with him tonite. Maybe you've had your legs in the air a few years too many and have lost touch with the reality of what it's like to live with an asshole like I do.

So in summary here:

Things Charlene has done:

1) Been to Georgia +

2.)Been to California +

3.)Been to Nice +++

4.)Been to the Isle of Greece +++

5.)Moved Like Harlow through Monte Carlo +++

6.)Sipped Champagne on a Yacht +++

7.)Made love with a preacher man in the sun - - (eww)

8.)Been undressed by kings (plus or minus depends on who)

9.)Seen some things that a woman ain't supposed to see - - - (do tell what these things were Charlene, I want to know this)

10.)Lived the sweet life +++

11.)Been to paradise +++

12.)Explored subtle whoring +/-

13.) Been to cryin' for unborn children -

Things Charlene has not done

1.)Never been to herself (Charlene, I've been here and it's over rated)

2.)Never had a stable relationship with a man (REALLY over rated, yes, I'm bitter right now)

3.)Never had a baby (you're still young, adopt)

Hmmm, let me think, decisions, decisions........NOPE. I'll still take your life over being me. Nice try though.

I must add to this that there was also a male version of this song too. I remember hearing it on the old AM radio very late one night as I was driving my mothers car through a blizzard in upstate NY. I laughed so hard I nearly drove the car off into a ditch. The lyrics were from a male viewpoint and there was even a part about the guy breaking out of jail or something. I did find the lyrics via a web search but I am not sure who sang it. For some reason I always though it was Larry Graham but I could be totally wrong on this. If you know who it is, please inform me. Here are the male lyrics and a link to click on to hear it being sung: (This is a Demo Version "sung" by the man that wrote it,Ron Miller, not the person that recorded it for radio listeners.) It is quite possibly the most depressing song I have ever heard. I honestly just wanted to take a lot of pills and lay down with the shades drawn waiting to die after hearing this. You absolutely MUST listen to this, it takes a minute to load, thanks to Shawn Collins for this link)

CLICK LINK HERE ON SONG TITLE BELOW:

Ive Never Been To Me - male version - Ron Miller

Hey mister, hey mister, I just want a dime‘Cause I need a cup of coffee and a moment of your time..I can tell your raising hell the way I used to do, But I wish someone woulda’ talked to me Like I wanna talk to you

I’ve been to Georgia and California ,anywhere I could run, I stole a woman in Tennessee and we made love in the sun. But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free, I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me

Thanks mister, thanks mister, But please don’t walk away ‘cause I have this need to tell you, why I’m all alone today. I can see so much of me still living in your eyes ,won’t you share a part of an old mans heart on the day before he dies?

I’ve been to China & Asia Minor on any ship that would sail, I made some noise with some good old boys we wrecked a southern jail

I’ve seen the best men crawl and some teardrops fall there ain’t nothing I ain’t seen, I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me

I’ve even been to marriage where children cry for someone they couldn't find ,never knowing that I was searching for things I left behind

I thought my heart could wait but I learned too late..Only love can make people free I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me"

And there you have it. They just don't make 'em like this anymore do they?

That's all for now :)