Lets call July here "contemplation" month OK? Due to the nature of my melancholy mental state during July I am just going to go with it and get it out here. After all, nobody forced you to come here dammit! If it's too depressing, heavy or bo-riiiing take leave and go over the thesuperficial.com or something. ( Which, incidentally, I LOVE) I promise you that after the 31'st I will be back to my sassy, loudmouthed, vulgar self, k?
Today I was with a patient who was experiencing a lot of pain. The pain is something she is going to have no matter what and we both knew this. Part of my job is to give people ideas or strategies for dealing with things like this. They don't really teach you about this in school so you kind of have to reach inside your own personal bag of tricks in situations like this. Talking about medication, positioning, injections etc seemed pointless so I decided to talk to her about her mental state.
She is anxious and cannot sleep or get comfortable so I decided to talk to her about what I do when I am sad or stressed, about the connection between your mind and your body. Imagery. Saying a phrase that brings the image into your mind immediately and grounds you and then focusing on that image. And we did it together. As I described it to her she kept asking what I picture when I am trying to relax or feel safe. I repeatedly told her that my images would not be meaningful to her or help her, that she should go into her own memory bank to something that is meaningful for her. Even after explaining that she still asked so I told her.
My images are these: My phrase is " fluffy snow". The image is one of being in a forest where there is a heavy , fresh lightly fluffy snowfall. I am walking through it pushing past trees, mammoth evergreens and firs that are covered with thick layers of snow. I can hear the crunching noise under my feet as I make my way through. It makes me feel small and human and like I am part of something that is so much bigger than myself. This makes me give up my notion that I need to be in control and it helps me relax and just be part of something I really have no control over in the end. When I picture this I can feel the cold against my face and everything feels pure and good. I feel safe and at home.
Another image is that of the beach at my Aunts summer camp on the lake upstate. I am on the dock, which was a floating dock so when you lay on it every time a boat goes by it rocks back and forth and the waves sort of lull you to sleep and relax you. It is sunny and beautiful out and my Mother is laying on the dock next to me. We are taking in the sun, in our bathing suits and our hands are touching, sort of like holding hands. We used to do this sometimes, just touch each others hands like a...hey, are you OK type of thing. I am falling asleep and feeling very safe and loved and the rocking of the dock and having my sweet mother next to me makes me feel like all is right with the world. Knowing that I got to experience this makes me feel lucky and It is my way of holding on to something that means very much to me.
The last one involves a mountain in Vermont. My phrase is "Equinox". I close my eyes and think of the summit, of standing there with the sweet breeze and the town below. The complete peace and quiet, nothing but the sound of insects buzzing and animals occasionally saying hello. I also sometimes think of it in the depths of winter. I have never been there at that time but I sometimes think of places I find beautiful and have been to at random times and I wonder "what is going on there right at this very moment?" It must be snowing, dark, freezing cold, not a soul around for miles. Do you ever do this? I think I may be alone in this one. Every once in a while I imagine that it is winter and I am in my childhood bedroom in the big old Victorian house where I grew up. It is the middle of the night and I am on my bed looking out the window at the icy, snow covered street which is illuminated by one lonely streetlight. I am wondering what the future is going to bring for me, and yes I did this when I was a kid. I can hear the clanking noise of the steam coming through the old radiator that my mother used to put my mittens on to dry after I had been playing out in the snow all day. Everything, every house is pitch black and the only noise you hear is possibly a train way off in the distance or a truck on the highway coming through this teeny tiny town in the middle of nowhere.
So back to business. After my patient and I discussed this, she said to me, "those images are so meaningful, more than just picturing a beach or something like they tell you to do when you meditate". I thought about what she said , and I guess she has a point. As I get older, my memories of things that happened long ago are just so vivid. They seem to mean something to me that they never did before. I've always been a thinker, always over analyzed things, always see things in ways my friends do not. This always used to make me feel like something was wrong with me, like why couldn't I just enjoy life and stop seeing things as such hugely emotional events? Now I see this as a blessing. They used to make fun of me and say "you'd feel sorry for a pen without a cap!" I don't think I'm quite that bad but suffering or sadness, while it may be a very necessary thing for our growth, well it just bothers me so much and I hate to see anyone feeling bad. Even if I intensely dislike someone who is disrespectful to me I will still feel bad for them if they experience misfortune. I'm not above taking some mild glee in someone "getting theirs" but with something more serious, I do feel regret for them.
Even when I was a teenager I was like this. I remember driving to the grocery store at sunset in my mothers car. I liked to go later in the day so I always went at night or late afternoon. I remember getting out of the car and always feeling so blessed and lucky at the huge backdrop of mountains behind the store. It was like a shelf of trees and peaks and behind them was a mural of pink and yellow and blue and purple and orange and gold as the sun set. People around me would be hurrying in and out of the store but I would always just sit there for a few minutes and watch it no matter how much of a hurry I was in. It seemed a crime to not watch it. I was always keenly aware of how lucky I was and that it probably would not be in my life forever.
I guess I will end this mumble jumble of thoughts here with this: everything seems to have an expiration date doesn't it? From milk to aspirin to relationships and even people. When a person dies, the phrase "expired on (enter date and time) is actually written to describe that the person died. Some people and situations/relationships just last longer than others and all we can do is try and remain "in the moment" and appreciate everything around us because it can ,and more than likely it will disappear in a heartbeat when you were not expecting it to. I think that the many losses I have experienced have made me like this, always aware in the back of my head that at any moment it could all drastically change because for me, it has quite a few times. I see my appreciation of life and the people in my life as the result of my past traumas, which makes those traumas worth living through. Unfortunately, most people do not significantly grow or learn anything unless they are in pain or suffering, We usually do not learn when we are content and happy. I never take life for granted, mine or anyone else's around me. Look around you and enjoy it all at this very moment! I'm glad that I have along the way... :)
That's all for now
That's all for now :)
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