Confessions Of A Frustrated Drag Queen

First of all, I want to start this post by telling you that today, the angels sang from above because I found a pair of jeans that make my ass look really really amazing AND they are super comfortable AND they were 50% off! Little did I know that they were "premium"jeans. I don't believe in spending a lot of money on jeans, it's stupid really but I wandered into a well known boutique that had a big sale going on and there they were. Can you believe that these jeans were originally $200!! So yeah, I paid $100 which is still insanity but as far as I'm concerned anything that makes me look skinny-ish and hot is worth the benjamins to me. Oh, they are "J Brand" in case you were wondering and they are the absolute softest pants I've ever tried on. They are black and I want them in denim too. They seriously make me feel so sexy and un-dumpy...end of rave and down to business.

So I was with my close friend, mon ami, mi amiga, my partner in crime if you will, and we shopped till we dropped today here in NYC. T'was a gorgeous day and we ended the day at a wonderful restaurant where we sat outside and drank an entire pitcher of St Germain champagne cocktails between us. Mmmm! And I am a non-drinker. St Germain is a wonderful liqueur from France that is basically elderflower cordial. It is so refreshing, it tastes like something between grapefruit and lychee. It is just delicious! I am really not a drinker except for my occasional champagne, and that mixed with St Germain is truly a treat.

As we ended our day, we stood in Times Square saying our goodbyes and we somehow got sidetracked as we chatted about these adorable hair clips I bought today (they look like bees with rhinestones all over them). She casually mentioned, "oh yeah I have so many hair accessories, I am looking really hard to find a decent Marie Antoinette wig that I can put on my dresser on a stand and just place all my hair accessories all over it for display.".....so that was the comment that started: CONFESSIONS OF A FRUSTRATED DRAG QUEEN.

I loved the idea of a powdered wig like that. It made me smile. Then I admitted "you know, I love things like that. I had a red boa that I used to walk around the house in". My friend replied, "OMG, I have two!".....and so it began.

Let me preface the craziness I am about to admit by telling you that I am the most down to earth woman you will ever meet. I wear yoga pants and a tank from Target or Old Navy to bed most of the time. I've even bought underwear at (*winces*) COSTCO in the past. Did you know that judge Judy buys her undies there? Well yes, she does. I wear jeans and sneakers everyday and I walk everywhere all day long. I'm pretty fuss free. That said, there is a part of me that is the dirty alter ago of this salt of the earth girl next door that I am 90% of the time.

This woman does kooky things like wandering around her tiny apartment in her underwear, red feather boa and her high heels when she is home alone and wants to feel special. She also drinks her water from a champagne flute. Yes, the crazy thing is, I do very ordinary things when I am prancing around in my get up. Like washing dishes, cooking some eggs, scrubbing the tub, whatever. If someone was watching me through a crack in the wall they would probably be laughing at me hysterically. I would imagine that the sight of me in my skivvies and heels with my boa while making a sandwich is a sight to be seen. There is no bigger annoyance then having to rip off your boa and heels and toss on a bathrobe to answer the ringing doorbell for the UPS guy or your landlord. I do not have my boa anymore but I seriously want to get another one. I really think that every woman should have a boa. It unleashes something in you, it really does.

The other things I have indulged in in the past were a tiara, a scepter and a corset. I know. WTF? Years ago, I bought a corset. I did not have a boyfriend, it didn't matter. It was for me. It was silver with black lace trim and it came with a garter belt. I used to wear my beautiful corset and garter with some heels and silk stockings while prancing around the house alone. Same deal as the boa. I'd do ordinary stuff in my corset. Pay bills, talk on the phone, make dinner, watch Jeopardy. That corset made me feel like a devilish vixen. I loved it. I loved lacing it up and having it give me a womanly shape, it was money well spent and as I said with the boa, every woman should have one. Even just for herself.

My tiara and scepter were gag gifts but oh how I loved them. Remember that episode of friends where the girls rent wedding dresses and wear them around the house because they are tired of being bridesmaids and figure they are never going to get to be married and get to wear a pretty dress? That is the story of my life. Not wanting to get married or anything but just doing things because I want to and not caring about what people think. I used to wear my tiara when I was baking cookies. I wore it when I was doing laundry. I wore it when I cleaned the kitchen. Have you figured out that I am nuts yet? I just may be. I really don't care. People that really know me get me. Maybe if more people gave in and wore their tiara's and boas there would be less stories about them snapping and killing their families or going apeshit at the post office with a semi-automatic.

I love anything that glitters or sparkles even though I can't wear it in my daily life. I am pretty hum drum day to day but there are times when I want to sparkle and feel special and if that means breaking out a boa, a corset, or a tiara and scepter then that's what I'm gonna do and you can put that in your judgey pipe and SMOKE IT!!

Yours Truly, Dame Edna :)