Musical Monday

Want to start the week with a laugh? This was sent to me by a new friend who knows I love a good one and I wanted to share it with all of you. I never understood this one when it was out and this actually seems to make it make some kind of sense. Enjoy!

Friday Hodgepodge

Don't you just love the word "hodgepodge"? It makes me feel like it's 1953 and I should in in someones "rumpus" room playing TWISTER! I used to love twister when I was a kid. As you can see, I am all over the place but I had a crazy day and it's Friday and I am shot ta hell so the plan here is:


1.)Unwind a bit by blowing off steam on blog that no one will read
2.)Take a nappy-poo
3.)Talk on the phone with crazy Aunt who tells stories about her wacky neighbors and co-workers and everything she ate today in lurid detail
4.)Do laundry
5.)Stay up goofing off till about 3 am, pass out. The end.

So this is what happened today. I have this patient who I had back in April, she's in terrible shape. Her son is a great son, he takes wonderful care of her, does her tube feedings, changes her, washes her, sits up at her bedside all night so she doesn't choke (she once did, now he's paranoid). So devoted son, established.

Back in April, I thought he may have liked me. When I say "liked" me I do not mean like Fonzie liked Joanie, I mean like Chachi liked Joanie, get my drift? I ignored it because the guy has a wife and she was pregnant at the time. I thought hmmm, I am almost sure of this but it just can't be so I'm gonna ignore this and choose to think I finally developed an ego after not having one for my entire life. I am the kind of person who needs a romantic interest to shove his tongue down my throat (I know sowy for the gross visual) for me to really believe a person is into me. I can't ever remember being confident in thinking anyone ever liked me before, ever ever ever. Unless a person says to me "I am interested you in a secksy way" I do not pick up on these things because the horror of me assuming it and it not being true would be just too much humiliation for me to bear. My ex used to tell me that I was really naive in this way and that men have things going through their minds that women would not believe. They look at a woman and imagine her naked and think about things they would do to and with her. He even added "we met at a funeral and I was so attracted to you that I thought about having sex with you while the funeral was going on, that's how bad men are." I asked Miguel my translator if this was true and his response was "hell yes". I still don't know if I really believe this but wow. Note to self: continue being grateful for being born without a penis.

So today I was in that house again and I got that feeling again. And this time I met this guys wife and new baby. I thought, wow, WTF with me and my ego? I must be imagining things, his wife and baby are RIGHT HERE! So I let it go. Saw his Mom, finished business and went to leave. I got to the door (down a very long curved hallway) and he ran over to ask me when I would be back next week. We were discussing the schedule and all of a sudden he grabs me and kisses me! ON THE LIPS! @@!!! To say I was surprised is an understatement. I instinctively repressed my urge to scream because the family was in the next room. I was totally dumbfounded. If ever there was a situation that needed the word dumbfounded to describe a mood or reaction this was it! I swung around and pulled away, I sort of did a ninja/matrix move on him, it was kind of funny actually. Even after this he invited me out to dinner! I told him I was married (right, I also dress up my 36 cats and have tea parties with them) and so was he and that wouldn't be happening. I couldn't go on because frankly I was afraid he would do something else and I did not want his wife to be upset or any drama.

I still cannot belieeeeeve this dude pulled this! I am in total shock. First, I'm in shock that he would see me like that and secondly I'm in shock that he would actually ACT on those feelings. Oh and I'm also grossed out. Really really grossed out. I ran out to the car with Miguel waiting for me and rinsed my mouth out about 6 times. And I can't believe I have to go back there again. Oh I'll be super professional and just do my job but I'm really gonna feel like I'm at the playboy mansion when I walk in there, with 'Hef" standing behind me while I'm dealing with his Mom.

So after this assault on my senses I felt like I needed to do something to balance it and get it the hell out of my head. I was walking to the subway and I saw a lady with her walker outside a building with a lot of steps and she was just resting. She was really old. I asked her how she was going to get inside. She said slowly. Then she told me that things have been so hard since her stroke and her arthritis was not helping her either. So I told her I was going to get her inside, carried her walker up the front steps and 3 flights (GOD DAMN) and can you believe she tried to tip me? Haha!

Then I came home and stuck an envelope with some $$ in my neighbors mailbox. They are the nicest people, hubby is a cab driver, wife stays home with the little kids. I was behind her in line at the grocery store a while back and she didn't have enough food stamps to buy all the food she had on the belt and she had to put quite a bit back. Since then I like to slip money to her. I tried to do it face to face but we do not speak the same language and she seemed really ashamed so I do it anonymously now. I highly recommend doing this if you feel like you want to donate money to something but you aren't sure it would go to the right place. After doing something with good intentions I felt like I had taken a karmic shower of sorts. Wiped the icky slate clean and restored balance, you know?

So that's all I got for ya, off to nap! Hope your week was a good one and your weekend will be even better :)

Fluffy Snow

Lets call July here "contemplation" month OK? Due to the nature of my melancholy mental state during July I am just going to go with it and get it out here. After all, nobody forced you to come here dammit! If it's too depressing, heavy or bo-riiiing take leave and go over the thesuperficial.com or something. ( Which, incidentally, I LOVE) I promise you that after the 31'st I will be back to my sassy, loudmouthed, vulgar self, k?

Today I was with a patient who was experiencing a lot of pain. The pain is something she is going to have no matter what and we both knew this. Part of my job is to give people ideas or strategies for dealing with things like this. They don't really teach you about this in school so you kind of have to reach inside your own personal bag of tricks in situations like this. Talking about medication, positioning, injections etc seemed pointless so I decided to talk to her about her mental state.

She is anxious and cannot sleep or get comfortable so I decided to talk to her about what I do when I am sad or stressed, about the connection between your mind and your body. Imagery. Saying a phrase that brings the image into your mind immediately and grounds you and then focusing on that image. And we did it together. As I described it to her she kept asking what I picture when I am trying to relax or feel safe. I repeatedly told her that my images would not be meaningful to her or help her, that she should go into her own memory bank to something that is meaningful for her. Even after explaining that she still asked so I told her.

My images are these: My phrase is " fluffy snow". The image is one of being in a forest where there is a heavy , fresh lightly fluffy snowfall. I am walking through it pushing past trees, mammoth evergreens and firs that are covered with thick layers of snow. I can hear the crunching noise under my feet as I make my way through. It makes me feel small and human and like I am part of something that is so much bigger than myself. This makes me give up my notion that I need to be in control and it helps me relax and just be part of something I really have no control over in the end. When I picture this I can feel the cold against my face and everything feels pure and good. I feel safe and at home.

Another image is that of the beach at my Aunts summer camp on the lake upstate. I am on the dock, which was a floating dock so when you lay on it every time a boat goes by it rocks back and forth and the waves sort of lull you to sleep and relax you. It is sunny and beautiful out and my Mother is laying on the dock next to me. We are taking in the sun, in our bathing suits and our hands are touching, sort of like holding hands. We used to do this sometimes, just touch each others hands like a...hey, are you OK type of thing. I am falling asleep and feeling very safe and loved and the rocking of the dock and having my sweet mother next to me makes me feel like all is right with the world. Knowing that I got to experience this makes me feel lucky and It is my way of holding on to something that means very much to me.

The last one involves a mountain in Vermont. My phrase is "Equinox". I close my eyes and think of the summit, of standing there with the sweet breeze and the town below. The complete peace and quiet, nothing but the sound of insects buzzing and animals occasionally saying hello. I also sometimes think of it in the depths of winter. I have never been there at that time but I sometimes think of places I find beautiful and have been to at random times and I wonder "what is going on there right at this very moment?" It must be snowing, dark, freezing cold, not a soul around for miles. Do you ever do this? I think I may be alone in this one. Every once in a while I imagine that it is winter and I am in my childhood bedroom in the big old Victorian house where I grew up. It is the middle of the night and I am on my bed looking out the window at the icy, snow covered street which is illuminated by one lonely streetlight. I am wondering what the future is going to bring for me, and yes I did this when I was a kid. I can hear the clanking noise of the steam coming through the old radiator that my mother used to put my mittens on to dry after I had been playing out in the snow all day. Everything, every house is pitch black and the only noise you hear is possibly a train way off in the distance or a truck on the highway coming through this teeny tiny town in the middle of nowhere.

So back to business. After my patient and I discussed this, she said to me, "those images are so meaningful, more than just picturing a beach or something like they tell you to do when you meditate". I thought about what she said , and I guess she has a point. As I get older, my memories of things that happened long ago are just so vivid. They seem to mean something to me that they never did before. I've always been a thinker, always over analyzed things, always see things in ways my friends do not. This always used to make me feel like something was wrong with me, like why couldn't I just enjoy life and stop seeing things as such hugely emotional events? Now I see this as a blessing. They used to make fun of me and say "you'd feel sorry for a pen without a cap!" I don't think I'm quite that bad but suffering or sadness, while it may be a very necessary thing for our growth, well it just bothers me so much and I hate to see anyone feeling bad. Even if I intensely dislike someone who is disrespectful to me I will still feel bad for them if they experience misfortune. I'm not above taking some mild glee in someone "getting theirs" but with something more serious, I do feel regret for them.

Even when I was a teenager I was like this. I remember driving to the grocery store at sunset in my mothers car. I liked to go later in the day so I always went at night or late afternoon. I remember getting out of the car and always feeling so blessed and lucky at the huge backdrop of mountains behind the store. It was like a shelf of trees and peaks and behind them was a mural of pink and yellow and blue and purple and orange and gold as the sun set. People around me would be hurrying in and out of the store but I would always just sit there for a few minutes and watch it no matter how much of a hurry I was in. It seemed a crime to not watch it. I was always keenly aware of how lucky I was and that it probably would not be in my life forever.


I guess I will end this mumble jumble of thoughts here with this: everything seems to have an expiration date doesn't it? From milk to aspirin to relationships and even people. When a person dies, the phrase "expired on (enter date and time) is actually written to describe that the person died. Some people and situations/relationships just last longer than others and all we can do is try and remain "in the moment" and appreciate everything around us because it can ,and more than likely it will disappear in a heartbeat when you were not expecting it to. I think that the many losses I have experienced have made me like this, always aware in the back of my head that at any moment it could all drastically change because for me, it has quite a few times. I see my appreciation of life and the people in my life as the result of my past traumas, which makes those traumas worth living through. Unfortunately, most people do not significantly grow or learn anything unless they are in pain or suffering, We usually do not learn when we are content and happy. I never take life for granted, mine or anyone else's around me. Look around you and enjoy it all at this very moment! I'm glad that I have along the way... :)

That's all for now

That's all for now :)

Froggy went a courtin'

Courtship. What is this? Someone said the word "courting" to me yesterday when I was relating a budding friendship I am enjoying. She said, "ohhhh, you're being courted!" It made me laugh because it's not true at all but the statement did provoke some thought here.

I have always felt as if I was born at the wrong time, the wrong era or even century. Even though I fit in quite well, I have some wonderful relationships and I like my life just fine, there is something about the pace of the world that sometimes makes me feel off. Like I'm trying to catch up after being asleep for many years. So the courting thing came up and it made me wonder. What was it like when people actually courted and does anyone still actually do this?

In the dictionary, courting is described as "the act of wooing a woman". The very word "woo" makes me giggle. I don't think l I've ever been woo'ed in my entire life and I've had quite a few relationships and dated. The idea of being woo'ed makes me smile. From what I could gather, "courting" is also something that is seen in Christan circles. In this environment, it is something people do when their goal is marriage. With that, it involves no physical contact. The couple gets to know each other without physical intimacy and the resulting emotions that come from it which cloud their judgement. In other words, a guy who is really good sexually would not be able to get away with being a thoughtless, insensitive douchebag because there would be no sex to distract from his douchebaggery! Same goes for douchey women too, of course.

Come to think of it now, my ex and I did this. Oh not forever, it was for a 2-3 months when we first met. That seems like an eternity now. We used to just be together and talk and have dinners and watch movies and we would cuddle but there was nothing more. It wasn't that we didn't want each other because we really did, but I was determined to see what would happen if we did this and really got to know each other. It lasted for over 8 years and we are still in each others lives as the best of friends because our bond became so strong. I seriously wonder if we would have cemented our relationship like this had we been physical in the beginning. I've never waited that long for anyone and I've never had a relationship that good or lasting so I'm really wondering if not jumping into the physical aspect is what made this different from any relationship I ever had before or since. Coincidence? I really don't know. I am seriously verklempt though at the thought of my ex liking me as a human being so much that he was willing to wait because I was worth it to him. Don't think I'll ever see that again in my lifetime , so I feel grateful that I did get to experience respect and genuine, pure love from a man like that.

When I think of courting I think of the 1800's or the early part of the last century, the 1900's to the 1940's. It makes me think of a couple sitting on a porch (otherwise known as a veranda or in the parlour on a couch called a settee) with the girls mother and father nearby and lemonade and cookies being served. The couple in question are always supervised and the boy/man is called a "gentleman caller". It seems so sweet to me and old fashioned. It makes me want to use words like "gingerly" or "genteel" or even "milquetoast". Milquetoast is a truly stellar word that I think is greatly underused considering all the milquetoasts in this world.

Anyway, the way things are now is bordering on tragic and when I think about it, it is truly no surprise that people get married and divorced at an alarming rate. I'm not a person who thinks about marriage. I never played wedding when I was a kid and I never imagined myself doing it. I'm sure there are many reasons why I am like this, but I'm more into partnerships and I like the idea of going through life with a "partner in crime", you know? In comparison, I think the fact that people sleep together immediately doesn't help. I've been guilty of this so I'm not being judgemental or prissy but thinking about it, I see why it totally shifts the dynamic and changes the way two people relate and even listen to each other. Why can't anyone wait for a few dates? I've dated men who expected some action on the very first or second date and when they didn't get it they gave up on me. There was one that gave me an ultimatum! I was very young, early 20's and I had only gone out with the guy twice. He demanded sex and when I said no he said goodbye. If he had not been such a colossal douchebag and demanded it, he very well may have gotten it. The funny part is, that after we parted it began to snow furiously and it was 2 am. I got into my apartment and was all settled and cozy and my phone rang. I let the machine pick up. It was said douchebag leaving a message begging me to pick up the phone because he was locked out of his apartment and had no where to go at that time of nite. He was basically stranded in the snow. My friends, I had always wondered if Karma existed but that night, it was confirmed for me that it did indeed.

Much of dating now is people looking for something that doesn't even really exist and having completely unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is or will be. Internet dating or "dating from home" has really added a whole new dimension to the whole issue too. I think that many people who do this have the notion that there is always someone better than the person they are talking to and it almost becomes addictive, always looking forward to the next "high" from the next person hence, people rarely make any real headway or form any true friendships or relationships. Everything is disposable, including people.

The thing that bugs me the most is that no one wants to work or wait for anything anymore. It's instant gratification or on to the next. I wonder why so many people seem so shallow now and so unable to take responsibility for their behaviors and actions? No one seems to want to wait for anything. It reminds me of that crazy beeatch who called 911 because she ordered a combo meal at Mcdonalds and they were out of McNuggets and she wanted those damned Mcthings Mcbadly enough to get the Mcpolice involved. There was another woman who called 911 when her Chinese food was delivered and it was the wrong order. Then there was the wingnut who started it all with a lawsuit against McDonalds after driving around with a hot cup of coffee between her legs, which burned her severely. And she won! Unbelievable! And these people were serious. It makes me Mcfurious to even think about it.



I sometimes think that if I could get into a time machine and go back to 1898 I would. Sure, there were some pretty bad things about being a woman then and I would probably end up in jail or on the lam with my bold personality and big mouth but I wish I could experience the niceties of that time and see what it was really like.

Confessions Of A Frustrated Drag Queen

First of all, I want to start this post by telling you that today, the angels sang from above because I found a pair of jeans that make my ass look really really amazing AND they are super comfortable AND they were 50% off! Little did I know that they were "premium"jeans. I don't believe in spending a lot of money on jeans, it's stupid really but I wandered into a well known boutique that had a big sale going on and there they were. Can you believe that these jeans were originally $200!! So yeah, I paid $100 which is still insanity but as far as I'm concerned anything that makes me look skinny-ish and hot is worth the benjamins to me. Oh, they are "J Brand" in case you were wondering and they are the absolute softest pants I've ever tried on. They are black and I want them in denim too. They seriously make me feel so sexy and un-dumpy...end of rave and down to business.

So I was with my close friend, mon ami, mi amiga, my partner in crime if you will, and we shopped till we dropped today here in NYC. T'was a gorgeous day and we ended the day at a wonderful restaurant where we sat outside and drank an entire pitcher of St Germain champagne cocktails between us. Mmmm! And I am a non-drinker. St Germain is a wonderful liqueur from France that is basically elderflower cordial. It is so refreshing, it tastes like something between grapefruit and lychee. It is just delicious! I am really not a drinker except for my occasional champagne, and that mixed with St Germain is truly a treat.

As we ended our day, we stood in Times Square saying our goodbyes and we somehow got sidetracked as we chatted about these adorable hair clips I bought today (they look like bees with rhinestones all over them). She casually mentioned, "oh yeah I have so many hair accessories, I am looking really hard to find a decent Marie Antoinette wig that I can put on my dresser on a stand and just place all my hair accessories all over it for display.".....so that was the comment that started: CONFESSIONS OF A FRUSTRATED DRAG QUEEN.

I loved the idea of a powdered wig like that. It made me smile. Then I admitted "you know, I love things like that. I had a red boa that I used to walk around the house in". My friend replied, "OMG, I have two!".....and so it began.

Let me preface the craziness I am about to admit by telling you that I am the most down to earth woman you will ever meet. I wear yoga pants and a tank from Target or Old Navy to bed most of the time. I've even bought underwear at (*winces*) COSTCO in the past. Did you know that judge Judy buys her undies there? Well yes, she does. I wear jeans and sneakers everyday and I walk everywhere all day long. I'm pretty fuss free. That said, there is a part of me that is the dirty alter ago of this salt of the earth girl next door that I am 90% of the time.

This woman does kooky things like wandering around her tiny apartment in her underwear, red feather boa and her high heels when she is home alone and wants to feel special. She also drinks her water from a champagne flute. Yes, the crazy thing is, I do very ordinary things when I am prancing around in my get up. Like washing dishes, cooking some eggs, scrubbing the tub, whatever. If someone was watching me through a crack in the wall they would probably be laughing at me hysterically. I would imagine that the sight of me in my skivvies and heels with my boa while making a sandwich is a sight to be seen. There is no bigger annoyance then having to rip off your boa and heels and toss on a bathrobe to answer the ringing doorbell for the UPS guy or your landlord. I do not have my boa anymore but I seriously want to get another one. I really think that every woman should have a boa. It unleashes something in you, it really does.

The other things I have indulged in in the past were a tiara, a scepter and a corset. I know. WTF? Years ago, I bought a corset. I did not have a boyfriend, it didn't matter. It was for me. It was silver with black lace trim and it came with a garter belt. I used to wear my beautiful corset and garter with some heels and silk stockings while prancing around the house alone. Same deal as the boa. I'd do ordinary stuff in my corset. Pay bills, talk on the phone, make dinner, watch Jeopardy. That corset made me feel like a devilish vixen. I loved it. I loved lacing it up and having it give me a womanly shape, it was money well spent and as I said with the boa, every woman should have one. Even just for herself.

My tiara and scepter were gag gifts but oh how I loved them. Remember that episode of friends where the girls rent wedding dresses and wear them around the house because they are tired of being bridesmaids and figure they are never going to get to be married and get to wear a pretty dress? That is the story of my life. Not wanting to get married or anything but just doing things because I want to and not caring about what people think. I used to wear my tiara when I was baking cookies. I wore it when I was doing laundry. I wore it when I cleaned the kitchen. Have you figured out that I am nuts yet? I just may be. I really don't care. People that really know me get me. Maybe if more people gave in and wore their tiara's and boas there would be less stories about them snapping and killing their families or going apeshit at the post office with a semi-automatic.

I love anything that glitters or sparkles even though I can't wear it in my daily life. I am pretty hum drum day to day but there are times when I want to sparkle and feel special and if that means breaking out a boa, a corset, or a tiara and scepter then that's what I'm gonna do and you can put that in your judgey pipe and SMOKE IT!!

Yours Truly, Dame Edna :)

Pant free Friday :)

So I havn't "spoken" this week here. It's been a really slow, boring ass week to be honest with you. I've been feeling kind of out of body-ish lately too. Like going through the motions. I know I said this below but it's the time of year, it just drains me of all my energy and I'm a zombie for all of July. But something entertaining did happen this week. A little thing but I am still cracking up over it.

I have a patient, a man in his 80's. He is confused a lot of the time. This week he was totally lucid and in rare form. I would imagine that is his true personality and he was quite the charmer during our time together. I finally managed to get him out of bed and there we were walking toward his bathroom. He was wearing pajama's and the top was very big on him and long-ish so you could barely see his pants underneath the top unless you really looked down at his ankles. He was doing so well, he rarely gets out of bed for me. I was telling him how proud I was of him and encouraging him to keep going and all of a sudden he stops. He said to me "Oh no" I need a chair right now". I got a slight panicky feeling that I get sometimes when I think someone is going to fall or hurt themselves but I knew he would be OK. So I said to him "no, you can do this, we are going to keep going, there is no reason you need to stop". He kept insisting that he needed to sit. I kept insisting he keep going. See, I have to do this. Most people that I see are just fearful and need encouragement. I'm not a meanie, you just have to know when to push and when to ease up and with this guy, I knew he needed to be pushed. After a moment of silence between us, he finally leaned in closely and whispered to me "I can't walk anymore because I've lost my pants". I looked down and sure enough there they were, around his ankles. I burst out laughing and he said "You are so lovely and sweet to me, I have been trying to get your attention for weeks. so how do you feel about me now?" then he winked.

And that, was the sexiest thing that happened to me all week. Good times.

Breakfast of Champions

Do you know mangu? Please let me tell you about the wonder that is mangu. The pictures posted are of this tasty little devil. One is a picture of an abandoned, lonely and unloved mangu that I spotted on a step inside a building on 158th st in washington heights yesterday. This is the mangu that started it all for me. The other is of a very loved and cherished mangu in my lap that is about to be eaten CON GUSTO this morning!


Yesterday I was running down a flight of stairs in a crappy tenement building where I was working and lo and behold there was a take out container with a full meal and a fork sticking out of it right there in front of me. If I was a naive, stupid person I would have just sat down right there and eaten it. It appeared to have been left by someone who had to make a very quick exit. This did not surprise me because the building I was in is infamous for drug deals. Every time I go into this building there are a few shady guys hanging out in the lobby and it reeks of the strongest weed on earth.

So being the hungry fat chick that I normally am, I took a picture of this meal to show my interpreter Miguel. He was waiting for me outside the building. I showed it to him and I asked him what it was. "Oh, that? That's mangu." Mangu? What is thing "mangu" thing you speak of? It turns out it is a favorite Dominican breakfast of champions. It involves mashed green plantains that are cooked with some olive oil or butter and red onions. Some people add garlic, some do not, some add milk and they come out tasting like lumpy mashed potatoes. On top of the mangu you can have eggs (fried or scrambled), a solid piece of fried cheese, red onions fried and tossed in a bit of vinegar and thick slices of fried Spanish salami.

By the time I discovered the abandoned mangu, the breakfast hour was over in most places and mangu was not to be had anywhere. I had to have mangu. I was aching for some mangu like the heroine of a Danielle Steele novel yearns for the touch of her lovah. Miguel calmed my craving by telling me that he would stop by the legendary "Malecon" in Washington Heights (I work in this neighborhood as well as Harlem and Morningside Heights) and pick me up some mangu for my breakfast the next day.

I woke up this morning like a kid on Christmas day. My stomach was yearning for my promised mangu. I sent Miguel a text to remind him. We met and there it was. MY MANGU! I was trembling like a virgin on her wedding night as I popped open that take out container. I opened the container and the smell was intoxicating. The onion, the cheese, the garlicky salami, the eggs and plantain...it was like one of those pictures they have on the news with a very overweight person digging into it and the caption "OBESITY EPIDEMIC IN AMERICA"underneath it. I did not care. I wanted to become one with my mangu. And I did. To be honest, I could only eat less than half of it. It was so filling, I cannot imagine eating the entire plate.

I don't know what else to say about this except that I am very happy to have discovered this delicious gem and my wish is for all of you to experience the greatness that is mangu for yourselves someday if you havn't already!

Featured Fragrance Review: Les Plus Belles Lavandes De Caron

It's s been a while since I've talked about fragrance here but everyone who knows me knows it is a huge passion of mine. I wouldn't call myself a fragrance snob, but it would be accurate to say that I am very discriminating and I have strong likes and dislikes. I generally do not go for mainstream scents that you can find in any department store or Sephora. This is not because I am an elitist, it is because most mainstream fragrances seem to have something in the base that irritate me and many seem to dry down to the same musky scent after a while on my skin. There are always exceptions though and I'm willing to try anything new that sounds like it would be up my alley. That said, when I heard that there was a new fragrance from Caron, I ran as fast as my little feet would carry me to that swanky little oasis to check it out. I was not disappointed.

The newest release from Caron actually came out last summer but was only available in Europe. This summer, it has made it's way stateside. Caron's House perfumer Richard Fraysse was inspired by Carons' Impact De Pour Un Homme Parfum fragrance to create a new, lighter lavender eau de cologne. To be honest, I was expecting not to like it because I generally do not like lavender scents. Many of them have a medicinal edge on me. This scent is so lovely that I bought it on the spot. Along with Caron's "Impact de Pour Un Homme" this is the best lavender scent I've ever tried. The notes include lavender, amber, vanilla and musk. If you like Impact, I suspect you will love this. The major difference is, Impact is a little more amber heavy (but not heavy by any means) and the lavender takes a backseat at the latter stages of wear, whereas Les Plus Belles favours the vanilla and musk but the lavender is present throughout all stages of the dry down. Les Plus Belles manages to pull off being a warm, snuggly fragrance while being incredibly light and barely there. It is an eau de cologne and is meant to be liberally splashed on the body as a summer fragrance even though it comes in a spray bottle. I was told that is is available in a 750 ml bottle overseas, but it is only available in a 100 ml bottle in the U.S. for now. It is considered a shared fragrance that can be worn by men as well as women and I totally agree on this. Despite the vanilla, it is not an overly sweet fragrance and a man could easily pull this off as well. I would actually love to smell this one on a gentleman.

In comparing Impact and Les Plus Belles, I feel the lavender throughout the life of the fragrance on my skin with Les Plus Belles. With Impact, the lavender becomes more muted and the amber becomes more prominent toward the latter stages of wear on my skin. The musk and vanilla in Les Plus Belles make this scent very soft and wearable, but they in no way make it heavy or overly musky in an "in your face" way. There is no way you could over apply Les Plus Belles. As a matter of fact, I am going to have to carry around a atomizer with me to refresh throughout the day because it is so light it fades after a couple of hours on me. The good thing here is that being a cologne, reapplying is expected and it is so light and refreshing that application is a treat for the senses.

I'd also like to mention something of interest if you do happen to like these scents, Diane of Caron mentioned that she likes to pop open a Pour Un Homme bath bead or two and rub the rich lavender amber oil over her skin and layer it with the lighter Les Plus Belles Lavandes to give it a bit more oomph. I have tried this and my thoughts on this are...WOW. The oil from the Pour Un Homme bath beads is fabulous. It is not a soap, it is a pure fragrance oil that feels wonderful on my skin. It is so rich and ambery with that wonderful lavender tinge to it that it's truly noteworthy. If I was to smell this on someone I would have to ask what it was, it is that great smelling. And this is coming from a girl who normally hates lavender. If I had to summarize the feeling that this creates for me in a nutshell I would say that it makes me think of a very expensive french spa, soothing yet energizing.

I am truly enjoying this fragrance in the evenings before bed due to the softness of the vanilla just as much as after a shower or in the morning with the refreshing tonicity of the lavender. I am impressed with how it manages to straddle the line between refreshing and soft and comforting. If you like lavender or even if you normally don't but are looking for one you might actually like, do check this out. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised! The selling price for a 100 ml bottle is a very affordable $80. This fragrance can only be purchased at the Caron boutique on Lexington Avenue and 58th street in the Phyto universe space at the time of this writing.

WHAT IN HOLY HELL?

OK, let me just put this right out there and purge myself of this awful, awful truth. I HAD A SEX DREAM ABOUT ROD BLAGOJEVICH!!!! ACK! AAAAAAAAAACK! Take a good look at Joyce DeWitts expression in the post below and that is EXACTLY how I felt after waking up from this afternoon horror.


I use this blog as a personal sounding board and I don't pretend to be too cerebral or topic focused here. Either you can take it or I'm annoying as hell and you run away. With this recent turn of events, even I want to run from here like hell but I'm hoping that getting it out here will cleanse me of it mentally.

I think this may have been precipitated by too much sugar. Let me explain. Today, I was with my interpreter Miguel and we decided to go to Fairway for some grub. Fairway is a fabulous grocery store here in NYC. At one point, I meandered over to the bakery section. The bakery is not a crappy in store bakery. You can smell the butter and the offerings are something like you would make for yourself if you were a respectable baker. I love sweets with a passion, but I normally do not eat them except for my daily dose of chocolate. If I could live on one food and one food alone it would be a toss up between bacon and cake with fluffy icing. Today, I was feeling blah and stuck in that crappy mood that I told you about yesterday so I made my way to the cupcakes.

I love cupcakes. I love everything about them. They are your own personal dessert. No one can ask you to share your cupcake, for it is yours and yours alone. Anyone who does have the nerve to ask for some of your cupcake is a caveman and needs to be taught some manners in my opinion. Asking to share my cupcake is like asking to wear my underwear. It's that personal to me. Never, never ask me for some of my cupcake. Ever. Just do not ever do this. You have been warned. I love cupcakes so much that if someone I hated brought me cupcakes, I would reconsider my hatred for that person. So, me+ cupcakes= a very happy girl, established.

After we finished our shopping we got in the car and I ate my cupcakes. I bought two mini cupcakes, not the giant ones so it really wasn't a huge bingey thing for me...*dateline announcer voice*...OR SO I THOUGHT...I saw my last two patients for the day and made my way home. I became progressively tired and I felt a huge wave of exhaustion washing over me. My blood sugar levels were surely rebelling. The time has come for me to admit, I cannot eat crap anymore (*covers the ears of cupcakes so as not to hurt their feelings*) without paying a price.

As I entered my apartment I immediately got undressed. I usually do this normally, I am the just this kind of woman. I tear my bra off the minute the door is closed and I usually follow with a shower. It's a ritual, I have to wash the city off of me after running around in it all day and I need to decompress and feel comfortable. Today was just something else though. I couldn't even get into my comfy house clothes. I jumped into my bed nekkid and totally passed out.(I always nap nekkid but that's another issue) It was as if I was in some bizarre sort of coma state. I just could not move!

So here is the disturbing part. I was in one of those half awake, half asleep type of states. It was enough for me to know what was going on and I felt like what I was dreaming was really happening. So tell me this...what sick demented part of my sugar laden coma brain manufactured a sexual encounter with BLAGO? I am shaking just thinking about it. I had a feeling of repulsion while I was dreaming this and I even woke up with a grimace on my face! It was just the most unsettling dream I have ever had! I'm actually afraid to go to sleep tonight again! The REALLY icky part of it is, I was sooooo into him, I wanted this fab four delusional reject so badly! I am disgusted to admit, this but I absolutely could not get enough of him. I felt myself actually trying NOT to wake up from this raunchy debacle. There was a common sense element watching this in my brain that was horrified and ashamed but I went with it anyway. It was a bitter battle between my conscious and my subconscious self and people, IT GOT UGLY. Oh and in case you are a sick bastid and want to know, yes, he was VERY good. As a matter of fact, this douchebag took me to heights I have never reached before and the very thought of it simultaneously sickens and thrills me. People, this man was HOT HOT HOT. Just telling you about this makes me want to boil myself, it is that unsettling. Have you ever been simultaneously repulsed and turned on? Yeah, me neither. Talk about inner conflict.

Frankly, I am so grossed out right now by this I think I may not be able to eat a cupcake for oh...at least a week or so. If he was my elected official I would be furious with him and want him to sink into obscurity but as a National Enquirer loving bystander I think his delusional over the top persona is screaming out for his very own reality show. Food for thought. OK, that's enough, I need to move on and put this behind me. OMG, you want to hear the worst part? I was talking to a friend about someone after this "dream" and I actually referrred to the person we were discussing as "ROD"!!!! He seems to have permeated my brain! Even my friend admitted that he would probably be fun to hang out with. Dear God in heaven, what is happening to me here? The man has no forehead...AND I LOVED IT. *shivers*

If there is a higher power I really hope that s/he will let me be and bring me some David Beckham or Simon Baker as consolation for the horror I endured this afternoon.

'Nuff said.

Come and Knock on our Dooooooor!

.....The cops are waiting for yoooooooou! :(

Just what is going on lately? Is it officially ruin my 70's memories month or something with all these random people dying and now a drunken mug shot of Joyce Dewitt of Three's Company fame has been thrust into my face? Is nothing sacred anymore? In case you do not remember her, she played Janet,the non-bimbo, good girl foil to Suzanne Sommers Chrissy in the 1970's sit-com "Three Company". I must admit I did crack up when I heard someone actually say out loud today "I've lost all respect for Joyce Dewitt after seeing this"....to which someone else responded "wait, you had respect for Joyce Dewitt?".

What on earth is going to happen next? Is Ron Howard aka "Opie" going to be arrested for cooking up goodies in his kitchen meth lab while running a call girl ring? I don't think I could survive any scandal surrounding the remaining Golden girls, please TMZ, leave them be.

Driving drunk to begin with is a monstrously selfish and murderous deed in my mind. First of all, you are subjecting everyone out there to your impaired abilities and your unbelievable lack of respect for human life to be doing something like this. The ego of someone who drives drunk just astounds me. All that aside, being famous and driving drunk is even more unbelievable to me. You're famous FFS! Get arrested and it will be all over the news! You couldn't call a cab? Couldn't ask a friend for a ride or something? I honestly do not understand the mind of someone who gets behind the wheel of a what is essential a few thousand pound weapon and thinks it's OK. People that do this repulse and disgust me to the point that I cannot even verbalize my intense dislike for them.

Anyhoo, this was not intended to be a rant on my hatred for drunk drivers it was a shout out to those who remember this lady way back in the day when she was a cute little thing prancing around with John Ritter et al down to the Regal Beagle to hang out with that creep Larry.Can you believe she's 60? Despite the drunken mug shot I think she looks pretty damned good for her age!

Peace out Ms Dewitt, hope ya learned your lesson, at least you don't look as bad as Nick Nolte in his mug shot!

The Thin Line

WARNING: morose entry, heavy duty, if you're looking for lighthearted fun, see ya tomorrow!

Did you ever have something happen to you, an event so pivotal in your life that it completely changed you as a human being and left life as you knew it in the dust? For me, it was the death of my mother. On July 31, it will be 14 years ago. Every July, I fall into a terrible hazy, numb state. I feel like I'm just going through the motions with everything. It's not even an active depressive state, it's like a biological clock sort of thing where my very being is transported back to that time even if it isn't something I'm aware of. My body knows it's the anniversary even if I do not think of it in my conscious brain.

I start feeling a strange emptiness, an irritation with people who complain about silly things. Usually, I'm not even aware of why I feel this way till I look at the calendar. Then it hits me. This year, the trigger for me is a patient I am treating who reminds me of my Mother. She is dying. She knows it and so does her family. Everyday, she is worse than the day before. My purpose is to make her comfortable and help her family figure out the best ways to bath, dress, feed and transport her from her bed to her wheelchair to her shower. I have to order the proper equipment for them, teach them how to use it and just make sure things go smoothly for them in this way.

The thing is, every time I visit her, she pulls me toward her and I end up sitting on the bed with her for an hour and 1/2 and we hold hands and talk and laugh.I am actually supposed to be there for 30 minutes but I enjoy her so much I choose to stay on my own time. At this point, I am the only one who talks to her like she is not dying. I ask her about her life, what she did for a living, what are her best recipes and can she give them to me, was she a good dancer, what are her favorite songs/books/movies...etc etc. Once, I had a lovely patient who was very depressed and very sick and used to cry all day and not want to get out of bed. He told me that he used to live for taking his late wife ballroom dancing every Saturday night and he missed those times. I bought him a boom box and some big band CD's and asked him to teach me how to dance. Do you know that this man who was so frail he could barely walk to the bathroom could still cut a rug and swept me off my clumsy feet? I used to visit him three times a week and I looked so forward to it. We would laugh and carry on. He even used to listen to the music late at night when he was alone and couldn't sleep. When he finally did pass away I went to his funeral and his family brought the music and played it during the wake,. It was really a wonderful tribute to him. This is not part of my job. But I always do this with people who are near the end. There is something so important to me in knowing who this person was while they can still tell me before they go and their flesh and blood presence is gone forever. I feel so full inside when they light up and tell me who they were/are. Their pain seems to vanish, they become animated and they leave the sick bed and become a regular person again even if only for an hour.

This may sound really strange but the most sacred part of this for me is that it gives me a feeling of being closer to my own Mother. I know this might sound really creepy or ghoulish but I feel like the line between here and the other side is thinner near a person who is about to go. Does that make sense? It's not as if I'm "using" them. I just feel like it's a very sacred thing and a privilege to be with a person who is transitioning like this.

Today was a bad day, I cried like a baby a few times remembering my Mother and the day she left me. I don't know why I'm feeling so melancholy lately but it just seems to be washing over me like gentle, lapping waves...back and forth, ebb and flow. I won't allow myself to think of the circumstances of her death right now, I just can't. It puts me in bed for a day. Instead I'm going to choose to remember the two important pieces of advice she gave me the week before she left me when I asked the question "what will I do when you leave me? I'm going to be all alone... How will I live without you?"

My mother knew this would be a terrible challenge for me having no siblings or other family. She simply said "never make anybody so indispensable to you that you think you can't live without them because you can and you will go on". She also said "lots of people love you, you have to let them .If you let them in, you will never be alone". Advice custom made for me. She knew what it was like to be alone after her parents and my father died and she knew what it was like to think you can't survive and go on and manage to pick up the pieces and do it anyway. She also knew that I tend to isolate and pull away from people. Those pearls of wisdom were spoken to me by someone who knew me better than anyone on earth 14 years ago and they still hold true today. I also have been remembering her telling me that I was put on earth for others, not myself. When I get really caught up in myself and me me me, I always pull this one out and it makes me see how silly I am being and that I need to take the focus off myself and try and be there for someone else.

Thank you Mom, for everything you gave me then and for everything you keep giving me now. xoxoxoxoxoox

To anyone who slogged through this downer of a post, thanks for reading and we will be back to our regularly scheduled programming tommorow!

Bathing Beauty!

The pic is blurry, you can't really see too well but you get the idea. Isn't it CUTE? And I HATE bathing suits. Being in my 40's is depressing as hell bathing suit wise ,but I decided to go retro and play up the 1950's bathing beauty type of look. This suit fit the bill perfectly! Ladies, this suit will make you feel like a pin -up! Throw on a wide brimmed hat, heels and strut around a pool and people will be bringing you drinks and fanning you! It totally hearkens back to Marilyn Monroe and Esther Williams type of "swim dresses" when women had that classy smouldering look.


I posted a pic (UNHEARD OF) of my body, as much as you're going to ever see, so you can see how amazing this suit is with all my figure flaws. I'm doing this for women everywhere to prove that you don't have to be a model to feel OK in a bathing suit. My advice to everyone out there is to try looking outside of the box with bathing suits. Do not go with trends, you know your body better than anyone. I knew that a bikini would have amounted to me being arrested or laughed at. I am VERY pale and I have very womanly pear to hourglass shaped body. The suit in the pic is from Carmen Marc Valvo. It is a knock of of a $400 (YEAH RIGHT!) Norma Kamali suit. It is totally 1940's- 1950's in feeling. Is has a lot of ruching around my tummy and butt and pulls down slightly around my hips giving me that WWII GI pin-up girl look. In this pic it looks a bit lumpy on me because of the angle of the pic (I have no full length mirror and was trying to get a lot in for you,) but on the model you can see what I mean. It actually has a strap that pulls up the bust that I am not wearing in the pic. You can see it better in the manufacturers pic. Incidentally, I could eat that girl for lunch, I fill this baby out a lot more than she does and it STILL looks gorgeous on even big 'ole me!

My other fave that I bought is from the classic maker Jantzen, it is gorrrrrgeous! The style is called "Retro Vamp". It covers all the bad parts and totally accentuates your assets. I beg of you, if you think you look like a disgusting blob and can't find a suit, check THIS ONE out and you will thank me. It's the one in the main pic. I love it in the black color and the red. It's also on the Macy's website. LOVE. Super flattering!

These suits are proof positive that there is hope for normal women out there! Check them out and by the way, ebay is full of them. I got the one pictured for $50 there instead of the list price of $167! Woo Hoo!

That's all for now!

How Is Babby formed?

Recently, the topic of sex ed has come up in discussion and I was taken back to my tender years and they way I learned about things of a sexual nature. I honestly do not remember the full story. My poor mother was worried that I was going to run out and get knocked up if she didn't educate me so she did make an admirable attempt. She needn't have worried about that because I was a fat beast that no boys wanted at that time and I didn't start seriously dating till I was 20.

I remember she bought this book, I can't recall the name, something like "Almost 12". Curious title isn't it? Is this the age that parents start to worry? On the cover was a girl walking through the woods looking all innocent and introspective. We read that book, it was pretty boring. I felt like I already knew everything anyway. I think I picked most of the facts of life up through my school friends. My Mom and I never talked about it again and that was that but I did always know that if I had any questions I could ask her and that was enough for me.

This brings me to a couple of hilarious offerings I've seen online lately. They are both not new but for some reason they really make me laugh and yes, I'm terribly silly when it comes to this stuff. The first one is from a Danish Children's book titled "How A Baby Is Made" from the early 70's. This thing makes me feel like an immature 11 year old again. I want to laugh and laugh at it. It's like the South Park version of childbirth. The baby looks like it's doing the baby version of "jazz hands" as it does the breast stroke and swims out of the mother. Look at the first pic above. Doesn't it look like this? This leaves absolutely no question as to where the baby came from. This book is the epitome of the 70's. I love the mothers pigtails too with those big purple ribbons. The second drawing needs to be subtitled "what's love got to do with it"? I don't think feeling especially "loving"has much to do with that if you ask me. The entire book is available for viewing HERE. I highly recommend taking a peek if you're up for some entertainment. The additional comments alone are worth the read.

The other funny that has cracked me up is this classic from Yahoo answers. I'm sure you've seen it, most people have. Yahoo answers is a service provided by Yahoo where you can ask other Yahoo users a question and they try to answer you in the most accurate way possible to help you. Here, a user with atrocious spelling and grammar asks how babies are made and another user answers in an equally caveman-esque way. Some wonderful person decided to bring the worlds attention to this embarrassment and make a video of it using knuckle dragging cavemen with Shakespearean accents as narrators of the interchange. I still laugh at this everytime I see it. It's a classic.

Take a peek at this one...

Fabulous isn't it?

That's all for now, have a happy 4th one and all :)

Down?

As if you had any doubt in your mind about my mental instability, I am going to admit right here and now that I went to the movies tonight and saw "Up". It was a cartoon, for kids. I usually stay away from these types of movies but I was bored and didn't want to see any of the other selections so I went with this one. Hear me now people, this movie made me cry, I mean "needing a Kleenex" crying several times. Is a children's cartoon supposed to do this? I know they are supposed to be teaching lessons sometimes and all but damn, this was really intense for me. I won't tell you what did it because I don't want to spoil things for you if you plan on seeing it, but there were things that involved every aging person's worst fears. At one point, I was ugly crying. Thank God my companion knew me very well so I didn't feel embarrassed but the worst part was....he was crying right along with me!

Oh the movie was cute overall, I'm not trashing it. I'd recommend anyone seeing it. It was entertaining, funny in a kids movie kind of funny and it had a nice story etc etc. There were just some bittersweet, sad moments that took me by surprise. I certainly never expected to be crying at a Disney cartoon.

So if you are going to see "Up" and you are expecting lighthearted giggly laugh a minute fun, VIEWER BEWARE! And bring your tissues.

That's all for now :....(

OH NO THEY DI-IN'T!

People, I think the unspeakable has happened. I have been left speechless. Yes, it's true. I just saw the most ridiculous commercial for the most idiotic product I have ever ever seen. Are you ready?

OBAMA CHIA. Yes, that's right, the makers of chia pet have released a version that looks like the head of our president. Not only that, there are two versions to choose from. There is "determined" Obama and there is "Happy" Obama. What I really want to know is, why does he look like David Carradine? He really does. Look at the pics I have posted. This is not Obama, it is Carradine.

The ad copy is ridiculous. It actually says "can you grow one? YES YOU CAN!" Let's not mention the "hail to the ch-ch-ch-chief" that was thrown in there. Somewhere, someone is laughing hysterically. I wonder if McCain was our president if there would be a McCain Chia pet? I highly doubt it. I'm trying not to be offended because I hate people who are constantly offended but frankly, this offends me a bit. Look at this VIDEO! I keep expecting Andy Samberg to jump out and this to be an SNL skit or something. I honestly cannot believe it is real!

I have nothing else to say. Just nothing.