OK, I really hesitated to share the feelings I'm about to share with you here. I did. I worried that I would offend people, that I would come off as a bitter opinionated asshole, that I would even make people angry. But then I said to myself, " self, it's your blog. No one is reading your drivel anyway so who exactly are you shielding from your potentially offensive opinions?" And away we go......
I was talking with a good friend the other night and we got to discussing dating experiences as women and what to look out for as warning signs in a guy to avoid. It all started with the discussion of Yoga. Yes, Yoga. so I'm going to tell you why a man who does yoga is something to be avoided for me amongst other things that I've noticed over the years. These things turned out to be repeated red flags that I never should have ignored.
1.) Men who are into Yoga. It seems OK right? A man who cares about his health, fitness, being in shape?? Right? WRONG. Men who are into Yoga have ALWAYS, I repeat, ALWAYS turned out to be flakes with issues. My feelings were validated by two other women who had similar experiences. I'm sorry, but they have for me every damned time. Now women who do Yoga, well...usually and I say USUALLY they are OK. They just want to stay in shape. some have annoying Gwenyth Paltrow tendencies and really grate on my nerves with the stick up their butts and their elitist snotty attitudes, but it's not something that I ever noticed as a rule for all women who do yoga. Men who do Yoga are usually men who think they are "in touch" with their sensitivity. This would be...WRONG. Men who proclaim their sensitivity are usually the biggest assholes on earth which brings me to...
2.) The sensitive man. You know the type, the lesbian trapped in a mans body? He loves women so much he's practically an honorary woman. He keeps track of your period mentally and knows when to bring you your chocolate and tampons and trashy magazines. You're so happy you finally found a man who "understands" you, right? He may even claim that he realizes that we are the stronger sex, we are more evolved and men are cavemen, but when it all boils down to it, he will only be truly sensitive to his own needs and not yours. He may be able to pull it off for a while ,but usually his true bastardy antics show themselves and you wonder how he ever fooled you in the first place. This is the kind of man who makes you look for a guy who eats ribs, drinks beer and watches football.
3.)Men who love cats. Yes, male cat lovers are usually troubled individuals. I don't know what else to say here except that it's true. If you are a man and you love cats and especially if you own more than one, I'll bet you've been in a therapists chair for at least half of your life. If you haven't, you know you've needed to for a long time and you really should. :(
4.) Your name is Gary. I'm sorry Gary but I never met one of you who did NOT have a drinking problem. Why is this? And Gary's are always complete nutbags ready to snap at any moment. Once I knew a guy named Gary who had a cat AND he did Yoga. He was a triple threat. He had a chronic smile plastered on his face but you always got the feeling that Gary wanted to kill his entire family if he knew he could get away with it. He basically "ran away" from home to go work at Disneyworld. Honorable mention goes to Seth, Ian and Jason. My ex was a Jason, he was the most beautiful person I ever knew, till the end. Then he became demonic and hurt me very very deeply. He used things that he knew about me to hurt me as deeply as possible. He was vicious. Even though I have good memories associated with him, Jason is a name that I have had bad experiences with. I never met a nice Jason. All of them were the biggest underhanded douchebags. True story.
5.) Men who are Vegans. Come on, we are here to enjoy life, why would you do this? Yes, it's terrible to eat "anything with a face", I've heard it all before. You don't think animals would eat us if given the chance? Of course they would! Does it make us eating them right? No, it does not but there is something about Vegans that is almost cultish. Vegetarian's aren't as bad. I can see being a vegetarian, I go for long periods without eating meat but for health reasons I need it and cannot go without it on a permanent basis. It is even hard for me to eat more meat and I have tried lately but I find it difficult. The funny thing is, everyone I ever told that I was dating a vegetarian when I was dating one responded: "oh, that's rough", and they shook their heads knowingly. Everyone just knew.
You see, I do not eat to live, I live to eat. Food is a gift, it enhances my life and I enjoy it to the fullest. I am a health conscious person, I keep my weight down, I watch my calories, fats, sodium etc....but I would never cut out entire groups of food, never ever ever. I cannot fathom not eating a cookie because it has butter and eggs in it. It's unthinkable for me. I probably eat ribs not even once a year but when I want ribs I do not want those crap ass Morningstar Farms fake soy ones from the freezer section at the grocery store. I want to haul my ass down to Virgil's or Brother Jimmy's and put my bib on and go to town, thankyouverymuch. There is no way in hell I want to be with a man who makes me feel like I murdered my dinner or that I am morally bankrupt because I need the iron in beef to prevent me from needing a blood transfusion due to my anemia. (I know there are other sources so don't tell me about it, the B12 that I lack is in meat, plain and simple).
6.) Any man under 37 years of age. I'm almost wanting to say 40 here to be on the safe side but I think as long as we are out of the mid 30's you'll be OK. Yes, I know, it's random and seems crazy right? WRONG. for some reason. Something happens to a man at around 37. He finally begins to "get it" I know, I know, there are always exceptions so do not tell me about the guy who was 39 and the biggest asshole you ever dated. In general, most men in their early and mid 30's are crazy, confused flakes. They realize that it's not cutting it to just have casual relationships anymore. They may even SAY (SAY is the key word) they are looking for something serious when in fact, they are not ready to to take the leap to something more serious and committed. No matter what you say, I will always look at any man under 37 as being a very high risk dating experience if you want more than a few laughs and a physical relationship. They are good for this but nothing more. There are NO exceptions to the rule, sorry. no one and I mean no one gets by on this one. Even the married ones or the ones in relationships are ticking time bombs ready to blow at any minute.
Oh, here is a little tidbit for you on what to expect with these men, I would place a bet that if a man at this stage in his life breaks up with you, you'll get the "it's not you it's me" routine. I have always been tempted to quote the legendary George Costanza of Seinfeld fame when I've been on the receiving end of the "it's not you it's me routine"... " You're giving me the "It's not you it's me" routine? I invented that routine. Nobody tells me it's them and not me, if it's anybody it's ME!
The other popular break up method is just completely pretending you do not exist and cutting you off without so much as a word to let you know they are finished with you. This usually happens when you are getting along very well and they seem really interested in you. That is what makes the "Houdini" so shocking and unbelievable. This has happened to me a few times and after speaking with girlfriends they also experienced this. I would have thought it was me if others I know and love had not also experienced this. Men who do this are disgusting cowards with no respect for you and even less respect for themselves. They treat others as play things who suit their fancy at a particular time and then ,when they see a flashier toy or the newness wears off they get the compulsion to move on. They are gutless wonders who prefer to just mentally erase you from their brains and move on without giving you the courtesy of an explanation. 'nuff said on this one. Most of these men fall into the under 37 age range.
OK, so I guess I've managed to offend quite a few people at this point except for Gary, he's probably wasted off his ass and doesn't even understand anything I just said. "So who's left, who can I trust oh wise, experienced sage?" Is that what you are asking? "She seems to have eliminated all men on the planet, is there anyone who passes her rigid standards?" Why yes dear reader (I have always wanted to say that). His name would be Peter Griffin and he can be seen weekly on the show "Family Guy".
That's all for now :)
I was talking with a good friend the other night and we got to discussing dating experiences as women and what to look out for as warning signs in a guy to avoid. It all started with the discussion of Yoga. Yes, Yoga. so I'm going to tell you why a man who does yoga is something to be avoided for me amongst other things that I've noticed over the years. These things turned out to be repeated red flags that I never should have ignored.
1.) Men who are into Yoga. It seems OK right? A man who cares about his health, fitness, being in shape?? Right? WRONG. Men who are into Yoga have ALWAYS, I repeat, ALWAYS turned out to be flakes with issues. My feelings were validated by two other women who had similar experiences. I'm sorry, but they have for me every damned time. Now women who do Yoga, well...usually and I say USUALLY they are OK. They just want to stay in shape. some have annoying Gwenyth Paltrow tendencies and really grate on my nerves with the stick up their butts and their elitist snotty attitudes, but it's not something that I ever noticed as a rule for all women who do yoga. Men who do Yoga are usually men who think they are "in touch" with their sensitivity. This would be...WRONG. Men who proclaim their sensitivity are usually the biggest assholes on earth which brings me to...
2.) The sensitive man. You know the type, the lesbian trapped in a mans body? He loves women so much he's practically an honorary woman. He keeps track of your period mentally and knows when to bring you your chocolate and tampons and trashy magazines. You're so happy you finally found a man who "understands" you, right? He may even claim that he realizes that we are the stronger sex, we are more evolved and men are cavemen, but when it all boils down to it, he will only be truly sensitive to his own needs and not yours. He may be able to pull it off for a while ,but usually his true bastardy antics show themselves and you wonder how he ever fooled you in the first place. This is the kind of man who makes you look for a guy who eats ribs, drinks beer and watches football.
3.)Men who love cats. Yes, male cat lovers are usually troubled individuals. I don't know what else to say here except that it's true. If you are a man and you love cats and especially if you own more than one, I'll bet you've been in a therapists chair for at least half of your life. If you haven't, you know you've needed to for a long time and you really should. :(
4.) Your name is Gary. I'm sorry Gary but I never met one of you who did NOT have a drinking problem. Why is this? And Gary's are always complete nutbags ready to snap at any moment. Once I knew a guy named Gary who had a cat AND he did Yoga. He was a triple threat. He had a chronic smile plastered on his face but you always got the feeling that Gary wanted to kill his entire family if he knew he could get away with it. He basically "ran away" from home to go work at Disneyworld. Honorable mention goes to Seth, Ian and Jason. My ex was a Jason, he was the most beautiful person I ever knew, till the end. Then he became demonic and hurt me very very deeply. He used things that he knew about me to hurt me as deeply as possible. He was vicious. Even though I have good memories associated with him, Jason is a name that I have had bad experiences with. I never met a nice Jason. All of them were the biggest underhanded douchebags. True story.
5.) Men who are Vegans. Come on, we are here to enjoy life, why would you do this? Yes, it's terrible to eat "anything with a face", I've heard it all before. You don't think animals would eat us if given the chance? Of course they would! Does it make us eating them right? No, it does not but there is something about Vegans that is almost cultish. Vegetarian's aren't as bad. I can see being a vegetarian, I go for long periods without eating meat but for health reasons I need it and cannot go without it on a permanent basis. It is even hard for me to eat more meat and I have tried lately but I find it difficult. The funny thing is, everyone I ever told that I was dating a vegetarian when I was dating one responded: "oh, that's rough", and they shook their heads knowingly. Everyone just knew.
You see, I do not eat to live, I live to eat. Food is a gift, it enhances my life and I enjoy it to the fullest. I am a health conscious person, I keep my weight down, I watch my calories, fats, sodium etc....but I would never cut out entire groups of food, never ever ever. I cannot fathom not eating a cookie because it has butter and eggs in it. It's unthinkable for me. I probably eat ribs not even once a year but when I want ribs I do not want those crap ass Morningstar Farms fake soy ones from the freezer section at the grocery store. I want to haul my ass down to Virgil's or Brother Jimmy's and put my bib on and go to town, thankyouverymuch. There is no way in hell I want to be with a man who makes me feel like I murdered my dinner or that I am morally bankrupt because I need the iron in beef to prevent me from needing a blood transfusion due to my anemia. (I know there are other sources so don't tell me about it, the B12 that I lack is in meat, plain and simple).
6.) Any man under 37 years of age. I'm almost wanting to say 40 here to be on the safe side but I think as long as we are out of the mid 30's you'll be OK. Yes, I know, it's random and seems crazy right? WRONG. for some reason. Something happens to a man at around 37. He finally begins to "get it" I know, I know, there are always exceptions so do not tell me about the guy who was 39 and the biggest asshole you ever dated. In general, most men in their early and mid 30's are crazy, confused flakes. They realize that it's not cutting it to just have casual relationships anymore. They may even SAY (SAY is the key word) they are looking for something serious when in fact, they are not ready to to take the leap to something more serious and committed. No matter what you say, I will always look at any man under 37 as being a very high risk dating experience if you want more than a few laughs and a physical relationship. They are good for this but nothing more. There are NO exceptions to the rule, sorry. no one and I mean no one gets by on this one. Even the married ones or the ones in relationships are ticking time bombs ready to blow at any minute.
Oh, here is a little tidbit for you on what to expect with these men, I would place a bet that if a man at this stage in his life breaks up with you, you'll get the "it's not you it's me" routine. I have always been tempted to quote the legendary George Costanza of Seinfeld fame when I've been on the receiving end of the "it's not you it's me routine"... " You're giving me the "It's not you it's me" routine? I invented that routine. Nobody tells me it's them and not me, if it's anybody it's ME!
The other popular break up method is just completely pretending you do not exist and cutting you off without so much as a word to let you know they are finished with you. This usually happens when you are getting along very well and they seem really interested in you. That is what makes the "Houdini" so shocking and unbelievable. This has happened to me a few times and after speaking with girlfriends they also experienced this. I would have thought it was me if others I know and love had not also experienced this. Men who do this are disgusting cowards with no respect for you and even less respect for themselves. They treat others as play things who suit their fancy at a particular time and then ,when they see a flashier toy or the newness wears off they get the compulsion to move on. They are gutless wonders who prefer to just mentally erase you from their brains and move on without giving you the courtesy of an explanation. 'nuff said on this one. Most of these men fall into the under 37 age range.
OK, so I guess I've managed to offend quite a few people at this point except for Gary, he's probably wasted off his ass and doesn't even understand anything I just said. "So who's left, who can I trust oh wise, experienced sage?" Is that what you are asking? "She seems to have eliminated all men on the planet, is there anyone who passes her rigid standards?" Why yes dear reader (I have always wanted to say that). His name would be Peter Griffin and he can be seen weekly on the show "Family Guy".
That's all for now :)
No comments:
Post a Comment