The Gift

I know, it sounds like some schlocky Nicholas Sparks book doesn't it? Au contraire my friends!

Today, I was happily skipping through the day with the knowledge that it was FINALLY Friday. I've had a really bad case of the blahs lately, I'm thinking it's weather changes and my blood disorder situation or whatever. But I'm excited that I'm going to the Dr on Monday to get to the bottom of that so I was pretty OK with things today.

I have a wonderful patient who I seem to click with in a very nice way. She is Dominican, my Spanish sucks but I always have my interpreter Miguel with me to fill in the blanks so we always manage to connect. Anyhooo, I had to find a way to jump through bureaucratic hoops with health insurance reimbursement denials and I somehow got her insurance to cover quite a few things that she needed in her home to be able to safely bathe and dress herself and even to safely get on and off her toilet and in and out of her bed. Because of this, she does not need to bug her niece or her neighbor to help her bathe and dress herself. She does it on her own after today's session! She was so ecstatically happy, she pulled me into her bedroom and took my hand to her face and just said "Fussbudget, thank you!" (well, she didn't call me that but I will not reveal my true name here to you I will always be Fuss). She then cried a very hard cry and hugged me tightly and we just sat together for a minute while she hugged and cried and I actually started to tear up a bit. To see someone so grateful for me merely doing my job was really something. It touched me so much I can't even begin to tell you how it made me feel. It made all the irritating things lately not matter and it made me think of my own mother and what she would think.

I got up to go and she took me by the hand and took me to her dresser, she whispered something and she then tried to give me a necklace. I put it back in her hand and I told her no, no I do not accept gifts for doing what I am supposed to do. She became upset with me and I repeated to her that I am here for her, she owes me nothing, please never feel like you have to do something for me other than get well and more independent with your self care. That is my reward. She frowned and kept trying and got upset with me but I assured her I loved her without any gifts, it was OK, I would keep coming back to help her till she was better and not to worry.

I went to the bathroom, came out and Miguel and I left. We got into Miguel's car and he handed me the necklace. My mouth dropped. I screamed bloody murder at him. He laughed and said she was determined and she has a ton of jewelery and wanted to give that to me very badly. I made him call her and we put her on speaker, I yelled at her, Miguel translated, she laughed and told me to go out with my boyfriend and have fun while wearing the necklace she gave me.

The necklace matches the earrings I was wearing. It is something I actually would have picked out for myself. I love it. I got compliments on it all day today. I thought a lot about it today. I thought about how the people who have nothing are always the ones that give the most. This woman was a prime example of this. She lives on very little, she appreciates things people do for her and there is an authenticity to her that I connect to. When my mother died and I was left totally alone in the world with nothing and no one I became the authentic person I always used to admire. My mothers death was the event that made me who I am today. My life is now divided into two parts, during mom, and post Mom. She died on me , on my shoulder while I drove her to the hospital. She was the best friend I ever had, we were very, very close. I have no siblings and my father passed away when I was 5. We were everything to each other. After her death I was evicted from my apt and lost my job. My whole life basically crumbled and there was no one, one one to go to at the time.

Because of the lack of support from others , I had a very real appreciation for every thing anyone did for me or gave me. I was genuinely, truly humbled. I knew that no one had to do anything for me or help me in any way but when I was truly down and out, there was always someone there who had their hand out to me and pulled me back from the precipice I was dangling from. About to be homeless? Apartment came though. No money to survive? Job came through. It was magical. It was as if I was born again and I became extra sensitive to people around me and my interaction with them. I began to feel "protected" in a strange way. As if someone was watching over me and making sure that I learned my lessons and came out of that time intact and ready to use those lessons I had learned to help others.

I remember looking for a place to live and a nice landlord came down on the rent for me after learning of my story. I remember having no money for food and a new friend gave me her food stamps. I remember having no way to buy clothes and having lost a huge amount of weight. Once again, there was a kind person I barely knew who bought me underwear, of all things, and a few pairs of pants and some tops. My shoes had holes in them and I took duct tape and taped the bottoms. I went like this to my new job at the time and sucked it up till my first paycheck when I could afford the shoes.

I cried a lot during those days and I wondered why God, if he even existed, would leave me here alone like this to suffer. I journaled, I really thought a lot about my purpose and I vowed that if I had to go on living, I would make my existence matter in some way. I wanted to be one of those people who helps other people when they are having their tough time like I did. I try to remember this everyday. When I get caught up in stupid petty stuff, I stop, take a deep breath and I look at my shoes. Looking at my shoes is my reality check. I look at my shoes and I remember what it was like be wearing shoes that you are embarrassed to be wearing. True story.

Today,whenever someone becomes emotional about something I've done for them, I see myself in them. I remember what it felt like to have angels in my life that seemed to come out of nowhere when things were at their worst and all seemed hopeless for me and my life. Lately I have felt so lonely for my mother and some of the old feelings of sadness and wondering why I'm here like this with no family have crept back into my brain. I guess its normal to have feelings like this from time to time, any thinking person does right? The difference now is, I feel like I found a purpose and I try to contribute positive energy to the universe on a daily basis. When I don't feel like getting up, I get up and I thank the universe for waking me up with another opportunity to help someone who may be having a much worse day than me. I rest at night with the feeling that if I died tomorrow or even today, I tried my best and managed to make some sense out of some unimaginably painful events that I never though would make any sense ever. Yep, this is what I'm going to think everytime I touch this beautiful necklace.

That's all for now :)