Thank you for bein' a friend.....

OMG, Heavens to Mergatroid! What on earth???? Since when did Barry Manilow begin to look like a cross between Estelle Getty of "Golden Girls" TV show fame and Ellen DeGeneres? I was shocked at his appearance as of late. I just don't know what the hell to say. WOW. WOOOOOOOW. This confirms my desire to never do anything to myself and to age naturally.

The Frillies Came, The Frillies Saw, and.....The Frillies CONQUORED!

Nice cover N.Y Post. In case you can't read the small print it refers to the Philadelphia Phillies as "The Frillies". Not that I ever expect journalistic integrity from the Post but as a Yankee hating person I take perverse joy in them being totally creamed last night in the first game of the world series. I'm not a baseball lover but years ago I had a totally madpassionatecrush on the almighty Mike Piazza when he was a Mets player. I even loved him when he dyed his hair blond and got engaged to a playboy playmate, that's devotion for you. I live in Queens, loved Mike, it was only natural that I would be affiliated with the Mets if I had to pick a baseball team to root for. Hell, I even own a bright orange really sexy Mr Mets T-Shirt that I wear to sleep some nights. If you ask me who is on the Mets right now, I couldn't tell you. I can tell you that I despise those bastard arrogant Yankees and I hope that lose, yes, I said it. LOSE. I concur with the man who works in the subway token booth at 157 st and Broadway. That is where this picture was taken today.

Manic Monday

Just a really quick hello to the faithful few who are reading! I hope your week is starting out well so far.

It is Monday and today's events included:

1.) My hair caught on fire in a patients kitchen. (thankfully I was tackled by her son and ended up on my back on her kitchen table with a table cloth over my head and no significant hair loss).

2.) I stepped in a huge pile of poop on the street as I attempted to run away from a very scary unleashed attack dog who barked viciously and seemed to have a hard on just for me.

3.)As I ran, I tripped, fell, ripped my pants and smashed my knee into a garbage can.

4.) I ran into a man I loathe on the subway who didn't seem to pick up on my "I loathe you" vibe and was chatty for 8 stops. I never spoke once. It went on forever. I read war and peace, I learned Japanese and still, he kept on and on and on.

5.) Came home and cried while eating 6 Famous Amos knock off Oreo cookies and reading an article in the enquirer on why Lindsay Lohan looks 15 years older than she is. (drug use, smoking, poor nutrition and unprotected sun exposure in case you were wondering as much as I was)

Oddly, this made me feel a lot better and a smidge superior and I am now browsing eBay looking at crap as a distraction till Dancing With The Stars comes on and Donnie Osmond re-ignites my foul mood as his dancing and permanent grin fule my hatred for him once again. Oh and P.S....I've been forcing myself to incorporate a bit more meat into my diet for iron purposes and you know something? I actually feel better after eating it. I really do. I'm not a huge meat eater and I have gone for long periods of time without it but lately I have been trying to eat it a few times a week and I have noticed that on the days I eat it , I feel a lot better. Go figure!

Stay strong my friends, 4 more days!!

That's all for now :)

Crazy Cat Lady

Can I just tell you that I had the funniest dream I've had in years today? I literally woke up laughing out loud, and as I recalled it I continued to laugh to the point of tears streaming down my face.

Briefly summing it up, I was standing in my living room with my ex boyfriend and he told me he was going to cheat on me. I became very, very upset and started to cry. I begged him not to. Then, all of a sudden I turned around and looked back and he was gone and there was a cat looking up at me. I somehow knew that the cat was him. I said "honey? Is that you"? And the cat shook his head yes!! LOLOL!! I said "Oh no! What have you done? Stop it! Come back! How can we get you back? And he shrugged his shoulders! A cat, shrugging his shoulders just like a person! To make matters even more hilarious I seriously said to him "can you communicate with me via text?" At that point, he pushed his cellphone open with his little cat nose and began to swat his big ole' paws at it and he tried to type! He failed miserably at it as he looked at me with this defeated look he began to helplessly whimper. I became very annoyed with him and scolded him for becoming a cat (doesn't this all make perfect sense to you?) and he got upset and ran off to a park across the street to which I responded by yelling out to him "you'll be back!" The dream ended with me sitting on my couch with Oprah and her saying to me "well, that's what he gets for even thinking about cheating on you girl, don't feel bad about it, he created this mess". Then.....I woke up!

People, I am still cracking up just remembering this. He looked so helpless swatting at that phone trying to "talk" to me. I actually told him about it today and he quipped "wow, I suddenly have an overwhelming craving for a tuna fish sandwich."

*Note to self* stop taking so many naps in the middle of the day after eating spicy snacks*

That's all for now :)

I Am Iron Woman

OK, so I did it, I went for the IV iron treatment I told you I was going for. This post is going to be a bit bo-ring and self indulgent....hmmmm. Now that I think of it, not that different from my usual posts so WTF am I apologizing for? If you're here on a regular, you are a glutton for punishment and I probably shouldn't feel guilty at all for being boring. I realize that I am telling you stuff that only a mother would care about so you are excused from reading this entry. I just feel like documenting this ordeal, k?

First of all , thank god it was Friday and I had someone with me. I went first thing in the morning and I am NOT a morning person at all. People, I dragged my tired ass to that office thinking it would probably be uneventful. I noticed that the Dr had some award as most respected by his peers in a New York Times article/survey. He was a helluva lot nicer and more personable today too so I'm guessing I got him on a bad day the last time and he's not the schlub that I initially thought he was. So, he brought me into the treatment room and pulled out the iron vials. He had to use two. My veins are notoriously difficult to find so he decided to use *drum roll*.............THE BACK OF MY HAND. Have you ever had a needle in the back of your hand? It hurts like a mofo. He made the decision to not do it by IV bag and to just inject it. BAD CHOICE. He took some of my blood and mixed it with the iron and re injected it. I know, ewwwwww! As I sat there and it started going in my hand itched like there were tiny teeth biting inside my veins. Then, my hand and arm started to cramp horribly. I mean so horribly to the point where I began to cry and believe me when I tell you when it comes to pain and pain tolerance, I am a Marine. Remember that scene in 40 y/o virgin where Steve Carell is getting his chest waxed and he screams out from the pain 'MMMM-AAAAHH! KELLY CLARKSON!" Yep, that is exactly what I felt like doing. I had kidney stones and took no drugs and stood it and this pain was more annoying than that. If it was the 1800's, I would be the type to get through a major surgery with nothing but a brandy soaked dirty rag crammed into my mouth and a metal pipe to grasp onto. I'm that good with pain, but this shit HURT. Next week, we are doing this by I.V bag. No more going into tiny veins in my hand.

Anyway, the Dr commented that he has never had anyone have these side effects before. Gee, thanks for making me feel like you believe me dude. Oh, except for an "elderly" gentleman who felt some itching but nothing else. So I said to him, "well, it appears that you have finally met the fabled princess who actually feels the pea under her mattress now, doesn't it?" With that, I went to a room to lay down and wait a bit to see if there were any more goodies in store for me. Unfortunately, the "Wendy Williams Show" was on the TV and this made things even worse. I hate that woman. She is a horrible, shrieking, overly dramatic tranny-esque woman. I cannot believe she has her own show. Her audience needs to be bitch slapped for being so "woot woot' enthusiastic too. The staff must ply them with sugar before filming starts because they are far too hyper for what is actually going on. My companion was supportive and held my hand and thankfully talked over Wendy and her "how to look like Michelle Obama" fashion show. The only thing that would have made this worse was Donny Osmond popping up as a guest so at least I'm grateful to him for staying away and giving me some peace. This experience served as a gentle reminder that I despise day time television and the whole "being up early" experience and always will.

I laid there and just as I thought it was all going away I began to feel pins and needles and a horrible prickling, stabby sensation in my feet. Then, it ran up my calves. That lasted for another hour. I came home and took a very long nap and woke up with my "middle" aching and hurting. And I had a headache. Good times. I made myself get up and eat since I hadn't had food since the day before and it was now about 3 pm. Yay for Fairway's broccoli rabe, sausage and peppers and garlic bread. I now feel almost human again.

Oh, and I was told that I need to get a medic alert bracelet because the blood test from the last visit showed that I have a rare genetic coagulation disorder and if I ever needed surgery I would probably need a transfusion if I didn't get a special injection to promote clotting prior to surgery. What a damned day!

The perfect ending to this perfect day involved going across the street and buying a cupcake at the Italian place that sells these HUGE gloriously beautiful cupcakes. I deserved it dammit. It was a cupcake day if ever there was one. That and a steamy cup of their maple milk. We will be back to our regularly scheduled programming in the next day or two and I will not be dedicating posts to my health woes unless something really big happens. I know you must be like WTF? What will she be telling us next? The size and shape of her poop? To that question Dear Reader I say, no, I will leave that to the poop obsessed Dr Oz. That seems to be his forte.

That's all for now! :)

The good, the bad and the snuggly

OK, so lately it's been crazy here. What with my erroneous health issues and now balloon boy I just don't know where to start. Since I've been out of touch maybe I'll bore you with a lil' hodgepodge of stuff, k? (the pic featured here is in a video posted below, it's my "feelgood" thing lately)


The bad...

1.) Balloon boy. The only good part about this debacle is that it is providing us with a much needed break from the whole Jon and Kate circus.Wow, this is just unbelievable to me. I'm not really engrossed in it but from what I understand, two people who seem to be dipshits of a very high order managed to reproduce and decided to whore out their 6 year old kid for fame and fortune. Yep, true story. Apparently they staged a stunt that cost many thousands of dollars and shut down a major airport by pretending that their son was lost in a flying balloon. It was all a hoax. You know what? I hate these people, I really do. The thing that kills me is that their douchebag lawyer made a nasty comment that maybe the police should "slap the cuffs on them in front of their kids", as if the police were the ones with the problem! THE NERVE! These selfish assholes deserve to be humiliated and embarrassed. To me it is the height of arrogance and self centered narcissism for a person to actually shut down an airport and prey on the good nature of others to help them when the entire stunt was all...a stunt. I want to see their mug shots on the back of my cereal box next to the offer for a free coffee mug with proof of purchase. I am so glad that their own son got them busted by admitting on TV that it was done for a show. What did they expect? Did they really think a 6 year old would understand the nuances of the media storm that they intentionally created? Their stupid lawyer even made another derogatory comment that the police were creating a"'media circus"!!!! Um, earth to stupid lawyer! Your fame obsessed clients are the reason this whole thing is happening! They are the ones that actually CREATED the "media circus"to begin with!!!! WOW. I need to shift topics. I feel a blood vessel in my head about to burst. Or maybe that's balloon bopping into me. Lets ask the Heeney's.


2.)Donnie Osmond on Dancing With The Stars. OK, I have a really irrational hatred of Donnie. I don't know where it comes from but every time he is on something I get really uncomfortable and I need to change the channel and get away from him. He really makes me twitchy and he brings out a scary unfocused rage in me. Sort of like an epileptic person gets around flashing lights, you know? I can almost feel a seizure coming on, he bugs me that much. I have watched this show for years now. And now,this. The worst part is, he's a pretty good dancer and I fear that he is going to be in the finals. You know what I really want? I want a Donnie Osmond sex scandal. I really do. I think this would be the only thing that would make me like him. He's like a live Ken doll. I'll bet there is nothing there where his manparts ought to be. Ewwwww. 'nuff said.


3.)My favorite tea was discontinued. Yes, it's true. At the risk of sounding like a snooty priss, my favorite tea got the axe at teavana. Now mind you, I was never a tea drinker. I hate coffee, soda, etc etc. I only drink water. so last winter I had the blues and was trying to drop a few pounds so I decided to make tea a part of my life. I wanted to be a "gentlewoman". You know, like out of one of those turn of the century novels? I envisioned myself coming home at night, throwing a log on the fire, putting my horse up for the night with my sexy ,muscled stable boy Ezekiel and settling into my billowy white sleeping gown whilst my servant girl Hannah brushed my hair 100 strokes by candlelight before I gently settled into my large ornately carved oak bed on a cold winters night. With this totally realistic vision in mind, I tutted off to teavana.com in search of something a bit more exciting than Lipton. I ordered a few varieties but the one I totally fell in love with was Rose Marzipan.It looks gorgeous, it has dried whole roses in it, candied violets, toasted pistachios and macadamias and smells like bitter almond and roses. I've never had anything like it. When I drink this tea I feel special. I feel like a lady. It calms me and the scent alone is just mesmerizing. Add some honey to it and it tastes like loukhoum. It is fabulous. Imagine my horror when I went to re buy and it was GONE. I freaked out, called up the company and they confirmed that yes, they are thoughtless crazy assholes and did discontinue it. It would totally be gone forever in 2 days! I called a few stores and luckily scored some and I am praying that it lasts well. When it is gone I will cry pretty hard.

4.) I finally found Giant Cheetos and they are nowhere as good as I imagined they would be. For some reason I have a really terrible weakness for Cheetos. I can't explain it but I just do. When I was a kid my mom even gave me a bag wrapped up in wrapping paper for Christmas as a joke. It was the best present I got that year. Miguel, my interpreter, even gets me a 25c bag as a snack a few times a week. He is trained to get that small bag because I am a filthy animal with those things and have no self control. It's all about portion control, the small bag satisfies me, more makes me sick and fills me with self loathing for losing control with them. So when cheetos came out with Cheetos GIANT I was trembling like a virgin on her wedding night at the mere thought of a huge cheeto. It seemed like the Hugh Jackman of snacks. Could a snack possibly be this sexy and enticing? Was I really the size queen I seemed to be turning into? I found them after months of searching and I I have to say, the beauty of Cheetos is in the crunch from the surface area. there is more crunch in a smaller 'to. Larger 'to's are too styrofoamy and a huge disappointment. Word to the wise, this was a great idea in theory but poorly executed. As a self appointed designated snack consultant I feel that it is my duty to tell you that crunchy Cheetos are the way to go in the end for maximum satisfaction.


The Good:

1.) The cold weather prompted me to make my famous Lentil soup and yes, it is every bit as good as I remember! I posted this here before last fall but it bears repeating...

Tomato-Coconut Lentil Soup

1 onion diced
3-4 cloves garlic chopped or crushed
3 TB olive oil
1 Tablespoon cumin
1 tsp turmeric
2 tsp oregano
1 tablespoon gr coriander
2 tablespoons fresh (or three TB dried) mint.
1 Tablespoon smoked paprika (optional but I love it)
1 tsp white pepper (optional)
1 cup red lentils. (must be red, they will dissolve and thicken the soup)
1 cup green lentils
1 (28 oz) can tomato puree or stewed tomatoes (puree gives better texture)
1 (15 0z) can coconut milk (I use the low fat one)
salt to taste

Saute the onions and garlic, add the spices and cook a bit till the rawness is diminished and they are slightly toasted.( I also like to add a chopped chipotle and a bit of the juice it's in or a few shakes of chipotle Tabasco to spice it up but this is totally optional) Add 4 cups water (or broth if you are not making this vegetarian), add the green lentils and cook till they are almost done with the lid on...( I cook them for about 45 min to an hour) now add the red ones and you will need to add more water...add just enough for them to cook. This will be very thick but you will be adding other liquid in a bit so do not worry, you can always adjust liquid later. Now, cook the red lentils for about 20 minutes, they will dissolve and thicken the soup even more....add a bit more liquid if needed and now add tomatoes and the coconut milk and salt to taste, cook for about 10-15 more minutes till everything is combined. YUMMO.

2.) I have finally realized after years of self doubt and driving my friends crazy with analyzing the behaviors of others that yes, it's really not me, it's "them". The actual "thems" shall remain nameless, this statement in all it's simplicity and mystery may speak to the "thems" that are reading this out there. Or it may not.

3.) Ok, I know that admitting this is a testament to my lameness but I am totally in love with 2 new commercials for the New York State Lottery game "Sweet Millions". I am not a softie at all, kids and pets generally do not tug at my heart strings just by virtue of being a kid or a pet but every time these commercials cue up I run to watch them. The funny part is, my 250 lb burly male co-worker said to me the other day, "OMG, that commercial with the baby piglets and bunnies is so fuckin' cute, I love it". Then I got a delivery and as the UPS guy rang my bell and I opened the door, it was on my TV and even he said, 'ohhhh, the bunnies, I love this one!". So whoever came up with this one, you got me.

The song in one of them goes like this...

If you were a candy man
with eyes made of gumdrops
a heart filled with marzipan
then I'd tell you so soft
that I wouldn't share
'cause no one can have you but me
you're so sweet
you're so sweet.

Look at these and tell me that they not the cutest things you've seen in ages. The whole scenario is just so adorable and well, I'll go so far as to call it "precious". It's something that would normally make me throw up a little in my mouth from the cuteness overload of it all. I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm being taken in by baby piglets in their pajama's and corny music but I am. I want someone to get down on one knee and sing this to me. Yes, I really do.


BUNNIES IN TEACUPS AND ON UNICYCLES!!!





PIGLETS IN THE BUNKBEDS! CUUUUUUUUUTE!







4.)OK, as if we can recover from that cuteness above, This just in, Octomom, crazy attention whore mother of 8, publicly admitted that she has a crush on Jon Gosselin, crazy attention whore father of 8. I am hungrily rubbing my hands together and dying of glee here. The very image of them having 16 kids for the weekend tickles me. I am sitting here with baited breath eagerly awaiting their sex tape. These two are human roaches, please dear God in heaven, let this match happen. I've got nothing else going on in my life. The thought of this train wreck is the only thing I've got to live for right now. Forget 2112, THIS would signify the end of the world.


5.) Honey Crisp apples. Mmmmm! I am not a big apple fan but I went to the farmers market today and got some of these and WOW. I challenge anyone not to like these. They are so snappy crisp, sweet with some tart, the juice literally dripped down my hand while I was eating this apple. I have never had an apple do that before. Major props to the almighty honeycrisp apple! *fist pump*

6.) It's that time of year again and IHOP has pumpkin pancakes again! YAAAAAY! I had some today and yes, the tradition lives on and they are every bit as wonderful as I remember.



OK, that's about enough for now. Wish me luck with my appt this week . I am a bit nervous and anxious about it. I will report back when it's over and I'm able to get online again!

:)

Newsflash...

Aight, I will be doing a decent update this week I promise. Not that any of you are sitting on pins and needles waiting for me to speak or anything but I just wanted you to know I am still kicking.

Oh, lets do this like a tease for an upcoming episode of a lame T.V show!.....*announcer voice*....This, week on a very special "Little Miss Fussbudget"....Things get crazy when the fuss takes Friday off from work to start treatments for her severe anemia. Stay tuned for non stop laughs and sit back while she gives her nasty hematologist an attitude adjustment !

Seriously, I really am. I am going to the hematologist (he is so rude but I don't have the energy to find another one) and getting intravenous iron. This Dr talks to me like everything I ask him came out an an article from Good Housekeeping magazine. He is so demeaning. I've had to snap at him twice already. My iron level is a 2. Normal is 100! WHOA NELLY! This is the reason I have been such a tired, cranky bitch with no energy! And I thought it was everyone ELSE who was annoying!


Stay tuned kids! I will update this week with the latest antics and mayhem that ensues!

xoxox Fuss :)

Where in the world did the Fuss go?

Just a little note to let anyone who wonders know, I have no computer! I am so very sad about this and trying to get it fixed. I have had so many things I wanted to write to you about but I am at a crappy Internet cafe and my time is limited here. The story about the guy reading a yoga book (yes, you know how I feel about these Yoga guys) on the subway who to tried to talk to me is gonna have to wait.

Last week, the machine up and died, yes it did. It has the "black screen of death" and a white cursors that I can uselessly move around. Other than that, nuthin. I have no idea what to do. The guy at the repair place wants to financially rape me to the point where I should just get a new computer so I am resorting to the almighty Gupta. Gupta is a man I used to work with when I was a pastry chef. He likes to tinker around with things and see if he can fix them. Worth a shot. I have tried to fix it myself but I am an idiot when it comes to these things. I can only get into the "rescue and repair" mode and then it asks me for "the path to the network" and I have no idea what they are talking about. I've tried stuff and nothing works and I really don't know what I'm doing anyway so here I am.

I'll tell you this, this Internet cafe where I am has turned me into a monster. In the past few days I've been here I've broken up fights between school kids and told a very loud annoying woman to shut up. I've been called "Ma'am", I've been apologized to and I've had a few people thank me and congratulate me for making people shut up. I'm the "destroyer" of this place. When I waltz in, and yes, I do kinda waltz into this place, people look up and hush. I think they are thinking "ooooh, there's that mean girl again". If you knew me you would be shocked. I am the most gentle person and I hate confrontation but I am paying $3 an hour (I know, wow) and I do not want to hear the drama's of others while I'm reading email and trying to do things in limited time.

I seriously miss having my tea while I'm writing, sitting in my comfy clothes, doing other things and going on and off here. I'm trying to make this a good thing and use the time to be productive but really I miss my computer! I hope to be back very soon. The good thing is, a friend actually owes me some $$$ and if that is returned I may just go out and buy a new one, we'll see. I will check in here as often as I can and really, if anyone out there knows what on earth the "path to the network" is, please for the love of Mike (who is Mike when people say this?)...please tell me!

That's all for now! :)

The Gift

I know, it sounds like some schlocky Nicholas Sparks book doesn't it? Au contraire my friends!

Today, I was happily skipping through the day with the knowledge that it was FINALLY Friday. I've had a really bad case of the blahs lately, I'm thinking it's weather changes and my blood disorder situation or whatever. But I'm excited that I'm going to the Dr on Monday to get to the bottom of that so I was pretty OK with things today.

I have a wonderful patient who I seem to click with in a very nice way. She is Dominican, my Spanish sucks but I always have my interpreter Miguel with me to fill in the blanks so we always manage to connect. Anyhooo, I had to find a way to jump through bureaucratic hoops with health insurance reimbursement denials and I somehow got her insurance to cover quite a few things that she needed in her home to be able to safely bathe and dress herself and even to safely get on and off her toilet and in and out of her bed. Because of this, she does not need to bug her niece or her neighbor to help her bathe and dress herself. She does it on her own after today's session! She was so ecstatically happy, she pulled me into her bedroom and took my hand to her face and just said "Fussbudget, thank you!" (well, she didn't call me that but I will not reveal my true name here to you I will always be Fuss). She then cried a very hard cry and hugged me tightly and we just sat together for a minute while she hugged and cried and I actually started to tear up a bit. To see someone so grateful for me merely doing my job was really something. It touched me so much I can't even begin to tell you how it made me feel. It made all the irritating things lately not matter and it made me think of my own mother and what she would think.

I got up to go and she took me by the hand and took me to her dresser, she whispered something and she then tried to give me a necklace. I put it back in her hand and I told her no, no I do not accept gifts for doing what I am supposed to do. She became upset with me and I repeated to her that I am here for her, she owes me nothing, please never feel like you have to do something for me other than get well and more independent with your self care. That is my reward. She frowned and kept trying and got upset with me but I assured her I loved her without any gifts, it was OK, I would keep coming back to help her till she was better and not to worry.

I went to the bathroom, came out and Miguel and I left. We got into Miguel's car and he handed me the necklace. My mouth dropped. I screamed bloody murder at him. He laughed and said she was determined and she has a ton of jewelery and wanted to give that to me very badly. I made him call her and we put her on speaker, I yelled at her, Miguel translated, she laughed and told me to go out with my boyfriend and have fun while wearing the necklace she gave me.

The necklace matches the earrings I was wearing. It is something I actually would have picked out for myself. I love it. I got compliments on it all day today. I thought a lot about it today. I thought about how the people who have nothing are always the ones that give the most. This woman was a prime example of this. She lives on very little, she appreciates things people do for her and there is an authenticity to her that I connect to. When my mother died and I was left totally alone in the world with nothing and no one I became the authentic person I always used to admire. My mothers death was the event that made me who I am today. My life is now divided into two parts, during mom, and post Mom. She died on me , on my shoulder while I drove her to the hospital. She was the best friend I ever had, we were very, very close. I have no siblings and my father passed away when I was 5. We were everything to each other. After her death I was evicted from my apt and lost my job. My whole life basically crumbled and there was no one, one one to go to at the time.

Because of the lack of support from others , I had a very real appreciation for every thing anyone did for me or gave me. I was genuinely, truly humbled. I knew that no one had to do anything for me or help me in any way but when I was truly down and out, there was always someone there who had their hand out to me and pulled me back from the precipice I was dangling from. About to be homeless? Apartment came though. No money to survive? Job came through. It was magical. It was as if I was born again and I became extra sensitive to people around me and my interaction with them. I began to feel "protected" in a strange way. As if someone was watching over me and making sure that I learned my lessons and came out of that time intact and ready to use those lessons I had learned to help others.

I remember looking for a place to live and a nice landlord came down on the rent for me after learning of my story. I remember having no money for food and a new friend gave me her food stamps. I remember having no way to buy clothes and having lost a huge amount of weight. Once again, there was a kind person I barely knew who bought me underwear, of all things, and a few pairs of pants and some tops. My shoes had holes in them and I took duct tape and taped the bottoms. I went like this to my new job at the time and sucked it up till my first paycheck when I could afford the shoes.

I cried a lot during those days and I wondered why God, if he even existed, would leave me here alone like this to suffer. I journaled, I really thought a lot about my purpose and I vowed that if I had to go on living, I would make my existence matter in some way. I wanted to be one of those people who helps other people when they are having their tough time like I did. I try to remember this everyday. When I get caught up in stupid petty stuff, I stop, take a deep breath and I look at my shoes. Looking at my shoes is my reality check. I look at my shoes and I remember what it was like be wearing shoes that you are embarrassed to be wearing. True story.

Today,whenever someone becomes emotional about something I've done for them, I see myself in them. I remember what it felt like to have angels in my life that seemed to come out of nowhere when things were at their worst and all seemed hopeless for me and my life. Lately I have felt so lonely for my mother and some of the old feelings of sadness and wondering why I'm here like this with no family have crept back into my brain. I guess its normal to have feelings like this from time to time, any thinking person does right? The difference now is, I feel like I found a purpose and I try to contribute positive energy to the universe on a daily basis. When I don't feel like getting up, I get up and I thank the universe for waking me up with another opportunity to help someone who may be having a much worse day than me. I rest at night with the feeling that if I died tomorrow or even today, I tried my best and managed to make some sense out of some unimaginably painful events that I never though would make any sense ever. Yep, this is what I'm going to think everytime I touch this beautiful necklace.

That's all for now :)

The Perfect Man

OK, I really hesitated to share the feelings I'm about to share with you here. I did. I worried that I would offend people, that I would come off as a bitter opinionated asshole, that I would even make people angry. But then I said to myself, " self, it's your blog. No one is reading your drivel anyway so who exactly are you shielding from your potentially offensive opinions?" And away we go......

I was talking with a good friend the other night and we got to discussing dating experiences as women and what to look out for as warning signs in a guy to avoid. It all started with the discussion of Yoga. Yes, Yoga. so I'm going to tell you why a man who does yoga is something to be avoided for me amongst other things that I've noticed over the years. These things turned out to be repeated red flags that I never should have ignored.

1.) Men who are into Yoga. It seems OK right? A man who cares about his health, fitness, being in shape?? Right? WRONG. Men who are into Yoga have ALWAYS, I repeat, ALWAYS turned out to be flakes with issues. My feelings were validated by two other women who had similar experiences. I'm sorry, but they have for me every damned time. Now women who do Yoga, well...usually and I say USUALLY they are OK. They just want to stay in shape. some have annoying Gwenyth Paltrow tendencies and really grate on my nerves with the stick up their butts and their elitist snotty attitudes, but it's not something that I ever noticed as a rule for all women who do yoga. Men who do Yoga are usually men who think they are "in touch" with their sensitivity. This would be...WRONG. Men who proclaim their sensitivity are usually the biggest assholes on earth which brings me to...

2.) The sensitive man. You know the type, the lesbian trapped in a mans body? He loves women so much he's practically an honorary woman. He keeps track of your period mentally and knows when to bring you your chocolate and tampons and trashy magazines. You're so happy you finally found a man who "understands" you, right? He may even claim that he realizes that we are the stronger sex, we are more evolved and men are cavemen, but when it all boils down to it, he will only be truly sensitive to his own needs and not yours. He may be able to pull it off for a while ,but usually his true bastardy antics show themselves and you wonder how he ever fooled you in the first place. This is the kind of man who makes you look for a guy who eats ribs, drinks beer and watches football.

3.)Men who love cats. Yes, male cat lovers are usually troubled individuals. I don't know what else to say here except that it's true. If you are a man and you love cats and especially if you own more than one, I'll bet you've been in a therapists chair for at least half of your life. If you haven't, you know you've needed to for a long time and you really should. :(


4.) Your name is Gary. I'm sorry Gary but I never met one of you who did NOT have a drinking problem. Why is this? And Gary's are always complete nutbags ready to snap at any moment. Once I knew a guy named Gary who had a cat AND he did Yoga. He was a triple threat. He had a chronic smile plastered on his face but you always got the feeling that Gary wanted to kill his entire family if he knew he could get away with it. He basically "ran away" from home to go work at Disneyworld. Honorable mention goes to Seth, Ian and Jason. My ex was a Jason, he was the most beautiful person I ever knew, till the end. Then he became demonic and hurt me very very deeply. He used things that he knew about me to hurt me as deeply as possible. He was vicious. Even though I have good memories associated with him, Jason is a name that I have had bad experiences with. I never met a nice Jason. All of them were the biggest underhanded douchebags. True story.

5.) Men who are Vegans. Come on, we are here to enjoy life, why would you do this? Yes, it's terrible to eat "anything with a face", I've heard it all before. You don't think animals would eat us if given the chance? Of course they would! Does it make us eating them right? No, it does not but there is something about Vegans that is almost cultish. Vegetarian's aren't as bad. I can see being a vegetarian, I go for long periods without eating meat but for health reasons I need it and cannot go without it on a permanent basis. It is even hard for me to eat more meat and I have tried lately but I find it difficult. The funny thing is, everyone I ever told that I was dating a vegetarian when I was dating one responded: "oh, that's rough", and they shook their heads knowingly. Everyone just knew.

You see, I do not eat to live, I live to eat. Food is a gift, it enhances my life and I enjoy it to the fullest. I am a health conscious person, I keep my weight down, I watch my calories, fats, sodium etc....but I would never cut out entire groups of food, never ever ever. I cannot fathom not eating a cookie because it has butter and eggs in it. It's unthinkable for me. I probably eat ribs not even once a year but when I want ribs I do not want those crap ass Morningstar Farms fake soy ones from the freezer section at the grocery store. I want to haul my ass down to Virgil's or Brother Jimmy's and put my bib on and go to town, thankyouverymuch. There is no way in hell I want to be with a man who makes me feel like I murdered my dinner or that I am morally bankrupt because I need the iron in beef to prevent me from needing a blood transfusion due to my anemia. (I know there are other sources so don't tell me about it, the B12 that I lack is in meat, plain and simple).


6.) Any man under 37 years of age. I'm almost wanting to say 40 here to be on the safe side but I think as long as we are out of the mid 30's you'll be OK. Yes, I know, it's random and seems crazy right? WRONG. for some reason. Something happens to a man at around 37. He finally begins to "get it" I know, I know, there are always exceptions so do not tell me about the guy who was 39 and the biggest asshole you ever dated. In general, most men in their early and mid 30's are crazy, confused flakes. They realize that it's not cutting it to just have casual relationships anymore. They may even SAY (SAY is the key word) they are looking for something serious when in fact, they are not ready to to take the leap to something more serious and committed. No matter what you say, I will always look at any man under 37 as being a very high risk dating experience if you want more than a few laughs and a physical relationship. They are good for this but nothing more. There are NO exceptions to the rule, sorry. no one and I mean no one gets by on this one. Even the married ones or the ones in relationships are ticking time bombs ready to blow at any minute.

Oh, here is a little tidbit for you on what to expect with these men, I would place a bet that if a man at this stage in his life breaks up with you, you'll get the "it's not you it's me" routine. I have always been tempted to quote the legendary George Costanza of Seinfeld fame when I've been on the receiving end of the "it's not you it's me routine"... " You're giving me the "It's not you it's me" routine? I invented that routine. Nobody tells me it's them and not me, if it's anybody it's ME!

The other popular break up method is just completely pretending you do not exist and cutting you off without so much as a word to let you know they are finished with you. This usually happens when you are getting along very well and they seem really interested in you. That is what makes the "Houdini" so shocking and unbelievable. This has happened to me a few times and after speaking with girlfriends they also experienced this. I would have thought it was me if others I know and love had not also experienced this. Men who do this are disgusting cowards with no respect for you and even less respect for themselves. They treat others as play things who suit their fancy at a particular time and then ,when they see a flashier toy or the newness wears off they get the compulsion to move on. They are gutless wonders who prefer to just mentally erase you from their brains and move on without giving you the courtesy of an explanation. 'nuff said on this one. Most of these men fall into the under 37 age range.

OK, so I guess I've managed to offend quite a few people at this point except for Gary, he's probably wasted off his ass and doesn't even understand anything I just said. "So who's left, who can I trust oh wise, experienced sage?" Is that what you are asking? "She seems to have eliminated all men on the planet, is there anyone who passes her rigid standards?" Why yes dear reader (I have always wanted to say that). His name would be Peter Griffin and he can be seen weekly on the show "Family Guy".

That's all for now :)

The Shadenfreude Follies

OK, this week I got to thinking about scandal. You know, high profile people who get themselves in the paper and on T.V for their personal indiscretions? I was thinking about this because David Letterman was in the news for this very thing last week. I titled this post as I did because schadenfreude is defined as "delighting in the misfortune of others". I know, it sounds really awful doesn't it? It happens quite a lot though in our world today and these types of scandals are prime examples of this phenomenon. Eventually I will come up with a positive spin on this and use the Buddhist concept of "mudita". This is defined as "sympathetic joy" or "happiness at anothers good fortune". For now though, this seems to lend to a bit more fun, no harm intended.


Apparently Letterman had flings/sex whatever with female staffers who worked for him. A man who was in a relationship with one of the women Dave slept with decided that his own personal debt and financial responsibilities to his ex wife and kids were too much to bear so he chose to come up with a plan to extort money from Dave. Problem was, Dave called him on it and came out with the whole story, admitted everything and was not falling for the bribe this guy was counting on. He even made a joke out of it. Now here's the thing for me. Is anyone, I mean ANYONE shocked at David Letterman sleeping with female staffers? I mean come on. I would be more shocked if he didn't and frankly I do not care. Unless someone was drugged or raped or forced into it, how is this a scandal? Dave wasn't even married when it was happening. The only thing this whole ordeal accomplished was that it made the guy who came up with this genius extortion plot look like a complete tool and I feel sorry for his kids at having this douchebag for a father. This wasn't even worth the time it took to tell the story.

Looking back, I'm recounting my all time favorite scandals and I challenge anyone to disagree with the juiciness of these events.

My top scandals are(to be done as a Letterman top ten list even though there are not 10 listed here)......*drum roll


6.)Bill Clinton's Monica Lewinsky"I did not have sexual relations with that woman" with honorable mention going to "I did not inhale"when discussing smoking weed. Lets be honest, I love this man, I do. I know he is a horrible hypocrite and has made some really terrible choices and has questionable judgement. I loved how people were "shocked" at a president cheating. This has been happening for many many years. The difference was, Clinton was really stupid about it and got caught. This was not the "best" scandal but it was definitely the most sensationalized.

5.) Republican senator Larry Craig and his "wide stance"explanation in denial of soliciting gay sex in a public restroom. OK, these types of scandals are particularly good, I relish them. They just might be my favorite type of scandal ever. I love it when a really *republican Conservative family values* type of guy gets caught with another man. It is infinitely better than him getting caught with a woman. People that are judgemental, rabid haters of anything deserve this type of public humiliation in my opinion. Craig basically stuck his leg in another mans stall in the bathroom and tried to solicit sex from him. He later explained that he was doing nothing of the kind and that he just had a particularly "wide stance" and was trying to pick up a piece of paper. The wide stance was his reason for his leg being in another mans stall. Yes, "wide stance". Good try dude. Good try. On an even better note, someone is currently trying to bring a play called "Wide Stance" about this whole situation to Broadway. Is this not delicious?

4.) Ted Haggard, Evangelical preacher, soliciting a male prostitute as well as doing crystal meth with his prostitute/boyfriend. He basically did this with the same guy for 3 years. The meth just added to the greatness of this one. Here is a guy so repressed and gay hating that after this scandal he went into "counseling" with four yes FOUR ministers who tried to "cure" him of his gayness. Do I detect shades of "Bruno"anyone? He even made an appearance on Oprah with his wife to get it all out in the open. Anyone who goes on Oprah is at a level of desperation and damage control that is at peak intensity. This gayness, it's an evil thing, dontcha know? It needs to be wiped out according to these folks. One of the ministers actually declared him "completely heterosexual" after his sessions. Haggard himself has recently said that he is "a heterosexual with issues"....................... *and the Fuss wrinkles her nose and moves on to the next*.............................

3.) I really don't know if I would call this one a scandal per se and there is absolutely NO schadenfreude at all in this one but Travis the Chimp losing his shit and ripping off his owners best friends face is totally up there for me. It is up there because of the way this animal was raised. His owner appears to be a seriously crazy woman. She socialized this chimp to the point where he was toilet trained, opened doors with keys, dressed himself (he wore clothes?), fed his owners horses and watered plants. He also ate at the table, drank wine from a stemmed glass (SHE GAVE HIM WINE?), logged onto the Internet and used it, used a T.V. remote and watched baseball, drove a car and brushed his teeth with a waterpik. His owner even took baths with him and they slept in the same bed. WHOA. Basically, he went insane and ripped his owners best friend face off, literally. In this case, I am not going to blame the animal. It is obviously not the fault of the chimp, the owner is the one whose sanity is in question. She gave him xanax earlier that day. And who takes a bath and sleeps with a chimp? No matter how lonely I've been, it never occurred to me to do this. Oh sure, I've dated guys that were probably not half as charming or good looking as this chimp and I even slept with a few of them in my darker moments but........a chimp? No, no, never in a million years. Sorry, nope.


2.) BLAGO! Ahh yes, my personal fave. As you know from my former posting on this man, I sort of have a thing for him. I can't explain it, it only happens when I am sleeping, it is that buried in my subconscious. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich basically was arrested on federal corruption charges. He was accused of conspiring to commit mail and wire fraud and solicitation of bribery. What does all this mean? Well, after our sitting president Barack Obama was elected to the office of president, Blago tried to "sell" Obama's vacated senate seat to the highest bidder. And he got caught. Now I'm not excusing this at all, it is WRONG, plain and simple but I am going to assume that this kind of thing goes on all the time and that he was not the first to do this. That said, he was an incredibly corrupt man in many ways according to all the information out there on him and his activities. The trial is set for June 3, 2010 and I will be there with bells on, or at least I will be putting in for vacation at that time and I shall watch it in fascination with snacks and my comfy sweats on.

At the peak of the scandal, Rod went on a two day media campaign and appeared on Today, The View, The Early Show, Good Morning America, Fox News , CNN, MSNBC where he insisted on his innocence and proclaimed that he would be vindicated. I think he may have actually believed what he was saying and this was the best part of it all. He was so incensed that anyone would accuse him of the things that he had actually done that he denied it all the way. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence, he continued to feverishly deny it all. His delusional persona seemed to be everywhere at the time, it was impossible to escape. It became comical, a freak show, if you will. Just seeing his face made people shake their heads and/or laugh. Impeachment proceedings resulted in his conviction and he was removed from office.

Some interesting little tidbits on this one, Rod actually insisted that his aides carry around a big hairbrush for him at all time so he could maintain his hairstyle. An article in the Chicago Sun times suggested that several psychologists believed that his hairstyle may be indicative that he suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. His wife Patti actually appeared on the T.V reality show "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!" last year. Rod himself starred in a Second City musical titled "Rod Blagojevich Superstar". Oh and by the way, Blago admitted that he actually considered offering Obama's vacated senate seat to Oprah. Yes, Oprah. Chris Matthews even agreed with him on this one. Hmmmmm.



1.)And the top scandal coming in at #1 for me is......************drum roll*************************** Self righteous, rabidly anti prostitution New York State Governor Elliot Spitzer gets caught with high priced hookers! Oh my, now this, this was a good one. Here was a man who was loathed by many many people. A man who became known as "client # 9" to his hooker bookers. He even used the name of a very close friend of his as an alias. The ego of this man was and is just unbelievable. One particularly juicy tidbit that was released was that Spitzer wore "calf length black socks while performing the sex act". WOW. Are you as turned on as I am? The best part of this is, Spitzer made somewhat of a career in busting prostitution rings and in being Mr Morality over the years. He screwed over quite a few people who didn't deserve it in trying to make a name for himself and the schadenfreude component to this one was just over the top. I remember reading that people were literally skipping down the halls at the state capital in Albany after this one broke. Not a single person felt bad for this man but plenty felt terrible for his beautiful wife who, as usual stood by his side looking frozen from the shock of it all.

I'm going to conclude with an honorable mention of former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy and his "I am a gay American" speech . This was a pretty entertaining one but I never really felt anything for either party here. The former Gov made the mistake of appointing his boyfriend as homeland security advisor for New Jersey. This guy had absolutely no qualifications to do this at all and I think that was the beginning of the end for Jim. During his messy divorce trial a former aid to the gov came out and said that he had been having a three way affair with the gov and his wife for years. The gov confirmed this and the wife obviously denied it. When the scandal broke, he went on T.V and gave an over wrought speech about his situation and the best line was "And so I stand here before you, as a GAY AMERICAN"...it was just great. I could not take my eyes off the screen. The whole gay American thing was hilarious to me. His wife had a weird half smirky smile and people commented about her off expression for weeks. Both parties made the requisite Oprah appearances. He is now studying to be an Episcopalian priest and has a male partner. She seems really bitter and was pushing her book for a while.


Oh there was one more Gov scandal that I barely want to mention. Remember the one with the South Carolina governor Mark Sanford disappearing for 6 days in June 2009? He reappeared and admitted that he had been in Argentina with a woman he had been having an affair with? This stupid man turned off his state and personal phones and did not respond to any messages for an entire week. People thought he was missing. He was supposed to be governing his state for Christ sake! Had he maintained contact the whole thing probably would have gone unnoticed. In the following weeks he made some really over the top statements about this woman being his soul mate etc etc, really TMI sort of admissions. He just needed to shut up and stop talking. He annoyed the crap out of me and even giving him space here is making me irritated. 'Nuff said on that one.

So there you have it. I'm popping my popcorn and settling in for the next show. It's going to be a long cold winter and I have a feeling a good one is brewing!

That's all for now :)