Today is Christmas eve and I decided for the first time in a long time to work a full day. I sort of figured that most of my patients would not want to be seen due to having family around or it being an almost holiday but I was really surprised to be welcomed with open arms. As a matter of fact, every single one of them was happy to hear my voice when I called them and said "Hi there, it's your therapist, do you want me to come and visit you today?" Every single one said "Yes! Please come!"
It made me realize something I already knew, that holidays are a lot of build up and hype and for many people, it can be a lonely time that reminds them how alone they really are, or how special the past may have been for them. One patient in particular is normally a very hard nosed, cold person toward me but today, she was different. She smiled at me, which she never does, and we sat down and seemed to interact effortlessly. She admitted to me that she was having problems with her Grandson who lived with her, that he in unemployed, has no motivation, depends on her for everything and is spoiled and disrespectful toward her and she is worried about what his fate will be when she dies. Both of his parents were drug addicts and are dead and she is all he has and vice versa. It reminded me so much of my own situation with my Mother before she died. I had a pretty rough childhood and I too was a lazy, do-nothing person. My own mother worried about me too and when she passed away I found some amazing strength in me that I never knew I had and I really seemed to pull myself together in a shocking way. I told her my story and she said to me "but you had a mother", etc etc. I explained to her that my Mother had an illness that ruined a lot of my childhood and forced me to grow up as a small child and I had no other family to depend on. I said to her "the only advantage I have ever had over you is being white, everything else in my life was horrible and a struggle from day one." We locked eyes and we truly connected. We held hands. She listened to me, I assured her that her grandson would be OK without her, that it would be hard for him but he would surely pull out those values she taught him and get it together eventually. She hugged me and we both cried. I made a new friend today and it was worth working on Christmas eve for this alone.
The rest of my day was spent with 6 other people,all of them extremely nostalgic, telling me stories about long ago and hugging me hello and goodbye. I spent twice as much time with each of them as I do on a normal day and it was a truly wonderful day. I came home and spent more time on the phone calling in orders for them for wheelchairs and other things to make them safe and comfortable and I had to write a few letters justifying these things to get their insurance to pay for them. A couple of them called me and told me how glad they were that I came to see them today.
The thing about all of this is, along with my own life experiences it has given me the perspective and ability to really see that everything is fleeting. If you love someone tell them today without caring whether it's said back to you, just do it because things change whether you want them to, expect them to or not. I feel blessed and lucky that I was able to bring comfort and companionship to the people I saw today. I never thought I would be doing a job like this but I think it's perfect for me and in the end I realize that I need them just as much as they need me for it is in helping others that I have fully come to see why I am continuing to exist despite questioning it after some difficult times and a lot of losses.
Tonight, I am going to put out a crap load of food and eat my brains out (Shhhh, dont tell Weight Watchers) with someone I love. I'm just going to be grateful for what I have tonight and I'm not going to think about what is coming tomorrow. I've realized that while thinking about the future is normal, focusing on it too much can ruin my appreciation of what is happening at this very moment and I miss out on the good things in my life at the present.
December 24th and December 31st seem to turn me into a major guidette. All my Italian-ness come pouring out when normally you probably wouldn't even know I'm Italian. I eat the foods of my childhood, all old school Italian stuff and I am right back at my Aunt Tillie and Uncle Jimmy's kitchen table where everyone is crowded around and the meal goes like this...First macaroni (not pasta, we called it "macaroni"), gravy (that is tomato sauce, we called it gravy), then meat (usually sausage, meatballs maybe ribs or pork chops that were cooked in the "gravy"), then salad. At that time the women all go do the dishes, the men all smoke cigars and talk. Then we all re-adjourn for big bowls of nuts (everyone is given a nut cracker), fresh fennel sliced up and fresh figs and dates and then...coffee and cake. I don't do a production like that now but I do keep some of it and I feel small again when I remember how it felt to sit for hours with loved ones like that. I hope whatever you are doing tonight or tomorrow you are with someone you care about enjoying your time together. For you, I wish you a happy and peacful Christmas!
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