In keeping with the random nature of this post, I did a random picture search and this sexy pic of the legendary Chuck Norris is what came up first. Aren't we lucky? It sort of makes me feel like he is kicking my ass and telling me to quit being so whiny and annoying and snap out of my funk. I rather like it.
Here I go again, in a tizzy and over what? Nothing has really changed at all in my life yet my perspective has. Do you ever get like this? It's a weird shift, kind of like there is a fault inside me and the rumblings of my emotions are my own personal earthquake. I'm OK for a bit and then I get these mini aftershocks of self doubt and negativity. I don't know why this happens and it's scary when it does. I'm a really big thinker. I over analyze everything. And I ponder, and ponder and ponder. I can take a situation and deconstruct it and see the elements of it in ways that most people do not. This is a special skill I have but it is not always a healthy thing.
Someone mentioned "Emotions Anonymous" the other day. I laughed at it but lately I think I really need it. I read a quote that went like this today "I want to live life with intention. " I really thought about that because it really struck me. Being back on my healthy eating program again has helped me restructure my way of thinking and my outlook on my life. Since NY's day, my actions have all been deliberate and related to a goal or plan that I have to improve myself and my life. I have been living my life with intention in this respect and it has really been working. Why don't I do this in every area in my life? I don't know. It has also done something else that I wasn't expecting. It has made me really feel everything super intensely. You see, food was/is my drug. Eating helps me numb my feelings, the bad ones in particular. I noted today that I have cried 3 times in two days and after feeling confused as to why I am so emotionally shaky, I realized that I am not using food as my coping device anymore. One of my favorite expressions is "face your stuff, don't stuff your face". Basically this is where I was failing and not eating when I feel hurt has been like ripping a band aid off my skin very slowly and deliberately. It hurts like hell but once it's off I guess I will be able to heal much better than keeping it on my wound forever, you know?
A wise person made an analogy that I felt like I myself could have made. She was talking about driving home through a fog and she said "the drive home this afternoon was all in fog, and it was symbolic of my life. I can't ever see too far ahead, so I have to go slower than I want. Things appear magically out of the "thick" air that I wasn't expecting. Every now and then there is a clear patch when everything is fine, then POOF, the fog, indecision, doubts etc. set in." I couldn't have said it better myself. She basically summed up how I have been feeling lately. The funny part is, I have been doing better than I have in years lately. I should be full of pride and feel like I am on the right track but for some reason I insist on beating myself up and feeling "not good enough" and full of doubt about myself again.
I have absolutely no idea why I am telling you any of this. I haven't written in a week and I just wanted to pop in I guess. Maybe someone else out there is feeling this way and reading this might help. Or maybe not. As I get older I feel better and better about myself. I do like this part of aging. I think I just need to treat myself as I would treat others and stop beating myself up over my flaws and weaknesses and if it is something the I can change I need to "live it with intention". I also need to remember that while I cannot change or control events or some situations that I have not been a party to creating, I can certainly control my reactions to those situations and that in itself is a victory.
That's all for now :)
Someone mentioned "Emotions Anonymous" the other day. I laughed at it but lately I think I really need it. I read a quote that went like this today "I want to live life with intention. " I really thought about that because it really struck me. Being back on my healthy eating program again has helped me restructure my way of thinking and my outlook on my life. Since NY's day, my actions have all been deliberate and related to a goal or plan that I have to improve myself and my life. I have been living my life with intention in this respect and it has really been working. Why don't I do this in every area in my life? I don't know. It has also done something else that I wasn't expecting. It has made me really feel everything super intensely. You see, food was/is my drug. Eating helps me numb my feelings, the bad ones in particular. I noted today that I have cried 3 times in two days and after feeling confused as to why I am so emotionally shaky, I realized that I am not using food as my coping device anymore. One of my favorite expressions is "face your stuff, don't stuff your face". Basically this is where I was failing and not eating when I feel hurt has been like ripping a band aid off my skin very slowly and deliberately. It hurts like hell but once it's off I guess I will be able to heal much better than keeping it on my wound forever, you know?
A wise person made an analogy that I felt like I myself could have made. She was talking about driving home through a fog and she said "the drive home this afternoon was all in fog, and it was symbolic of my life. I can't ever see too far ahead, so I have to go slower than I want. Things appear magically out of the "thick" air that I wasn't expecting. Every now and then there is a clear patch when everything is fine, then POOF, the fog, indecision, doubts etc. set in." I couldn't have said it better myself. She basically summed up how I have been feeling lately. The funny part is, I have been doing better than I have in years lately. I should be full of pride and feel like I am on the right track but for some reason I insist on beating myself up and feeling "not good enough" and full of doubt about myself again.
I have absolutely no idea why I am telling you any of this. I haven't written in a week and I just wanted to pop in I guess. Maybe someone else out there is feeling this way and reading this might help. Or maybe not. As I get older I feel better and better about myself. I do like this part of aging. I think I just need to treat myself as I would treat others and stop beating myself up over my flaws and weaknesses and if it is something the I can change I need to "live it with intention". I also need to remember that while I cannot change or control events or some situations that I have not been a party to creating, I can certainly control my reactions to those situations and that in itself is a victory.
That's all for now :)
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