Fit for a King

Public eaters. You know them, they are the people who are teetering around with their muffin/coffee/piece of pizza/fried chicken leg/ice cream cone...all the while oblivious to everyone around them. At least that's how it is here in NYC. Public eating, especially a meal is one of my biggest peeves. (My other big peeve is people who clip their nails in public, yes there are a lot of them but that is for another time to discuss). I used to work with a woman who once pointed out that in Washington Heights (uptown Manhattan) everyone seems to be walking around eating a single serving snack sized bag of chips or cookies and drinking a blue beverage. Now that I work in that neighborhood I see she definitely was not kidding.

Public eating is really at it's most disgusting on the subway.There is nothing worse and more stomach churning than sitting next to a guy who is dumping hot sauce on his fried chicken and inhaling his fries while you are just trying to get where you need to go unscathed. It's even worse if this person is standing near you or over you as you sit and you then have the added pressure of worrying about this person's meal landing on your lap. Once a guy was sitting across from me eating a McMuffin during morning rush hour. He was munching away, he looked completely normal in his suit with his briefcase. What I am about to tell you next will make your hair stand on end. He dropped his McMuffin and it went open faced on the FLOOR of the subway car. He then picked it up, each piece and put it back together and ate it! A woman actually screamed "NO!" A few people turned their heads and there were several OMG's murmured. It was truly disgusting. True story.

Yesterday a woman sat next to me and whipped out a bag that actually smelled pretty good. She then proceeded to eat french toast sticks from Burger King. As she ate them she dipped them into a container of white frosting. It was pure junk and I knew it but that smell was killing me. I do not eat fast food. I refuse to. I have not had it since I was about 15 and I was on an away trip for school and I had to eat it. I'm not an elitist snob, I love fries and burgers on occasion but I really hate fast food. I tastes artificial, rubbery and just horrible. I want to cry when I've had it, it makes me feel like I've just given up and am telling my body and soul to fuck off. So where was I? Oh yeah, the french toast hussy. Wow, that smelled good. Those delicious little bastard toast sticks were tempting me to eat crap but I was able to resist. It smelled so good that I actually made my healthy version of french toast this morning for breakfast.

This past fall/winter I was forced to become a public eater. Yes, it's true. I'm not proud of it but I had no choice. I was very ill and I had weekly Dr appts for my treatments every Friday at 9 am. Afterward I had to immediately get on the subway and go to work. The treatments made me really sick. There were times when I was in the chemo room with the other patients and I would lose it in front of them and they would give me crackers to stop the nausea. The plebotomist used to go out and buy me a roll to eat because he knew what was coming. I decided that I needed to eat something after the treatment so I made a habit of stopping at a good deli right at the foot of the steps to the subway. I would always get the same thing. An egg and cheese on a roll and a water. I had no choice but to eat it while in transit. I will tell you that eating in public was really uncomfortable for me. It was akin to people watching me go to the bathroom. I have no idea how people do it by choice and how they can have a full out meal like that involving a fork, knife, condiments etc. I always felt slightly ashamed doing it and classless, but it was either that or be really ill so away I went with it. I would occasionally notice someone staring and I wondered if they were thinking what I usually thought about public eaters. I wished I could actually explain but I just tried to get it down as quickly as possible and move on.

This morning a man sat across from me and he pulled out a fancy bag from Petrossian, the caviar purveyors. He then revealed the hugest pastry turnover I've ever seen. I don't know what was in it but he devoured it and his beard was loaded with crumbs afterward. I was mesmerized. Every time he moved crumbs would dislodge. I was wondering if this really huge giant shard that seemed to be front and center would ever take flight. For as long as I shared the ride with him that bad boy did not break free of it's beard lined prison . I wondered if he went to work at the health food store like that or went to his weight watchers meeting like that or met up with his wife who prides herself on him eating only her food looking like that. The thought kinda cracked me up. Other people read their papers or play with their phones or ipods and I focus on observing people doing strange things. Go figure, guess I'm just as strange as them.

That's all for now :)

The Coolest Guy On The R train Is........

All Jazz classics, not even holding onto a pole or anything. What a supahstah!

Here's some "random" for ya in keeping true to my description of this blog

In keeping with the random nature of this post, I did a random picture search and this sexy pic of the legendary Chuck Norris is what came up first. Aren't we lucky? It sort of makes me feel like he is kicking my ass and telling me to quit being so whiny and annoying and snap out of my funk. I rather like it.

Here I go again, in a tizzy and over what? Nothing has really changed at all in my life yet my perspective has. Do you ever get like this? It's a weird shift, kind of like there is a fault inside me and the rumblings of my emotions are my own personal earthquake. I'm OK for a bit and then I get these mini aftershocks of self doubt and negativity. I don't know why this happens and it's scary when it does. I'm a really big thinker. I over analyze everything. And I ponder, and ponder and ponder. I can take a situation and deconstruct it and see the elements of it in ways that most people do not. This is a special skill I have but it is not always a healthy thing.

Someone mentioned "Emotions Anonymous" the other day. I laughed at it but lately I think I really need it. I read a quote that went like this today "I want to live life with intention. " I really thought about that because it really struck me. Being back on my healthy eating program again has helped me restructure my way of thinking and my outlook on my life. Since NY's day, my actions have all been deliberate and related to a goal or plan that I have to improve myself and my life. I have been living my life with intention in this respect and it has really been working. Why don't I do this in every area in my life? I don't know. It has also done something else that I wasn't expecting. It has made me really feel everything super intensely. You see, food was/is my drug. Eating helps me numb my feelings, the bad ones in particular. I noted today that I have cried 3 times in two days and after feeling confused as to why I am so emotionally shaky, I realized that I am not using food as my coping device anymore. One of my favorite expressions is "face your stuff, don't stuff your face". Basically this is where I was failing and not eating when I feel hurt has been like ripping a band aid off my skin very slowly and deliberately. It hurts like hell but once it's off I guess I will be able to heal much better than keeping it on my wound forever, you know?

A wise person made an analogy that I felt like I myself could have made. She was talking about driving home through a fog and she said "the drive home this afternoon was all in fog, and it was symbolic of my life. I can't ever see too far ahead, so I have to go slower than I want. Things appear magically out of the "thick" air that I wasn't expecting. Every now and then there is a clear patch when everything is fine, then POOF, the fog, indecision, doubts etc. set in." I couldn't have said it better myself. She basically summed up how I have been feeling lately. The funny part is, I have been doing better than I have in years lately. I should be full of pride and feel like I am on the right track but for some reason I insist on beating myself up and feeling "not good enough" and full of doubt about myself again.

I have absolutely no idea why I am telling you any of this. I haven't written in a week and I just wanted to pop in I guess. Maybe someone else out there is feeling this way and reading this might help. Or maybe not. As I get older I feel better and better about myself. I do like this part of aging. I think I just need to treat myself as I would treat others and stop beating myself up over my flaws and weaknesses and if it is something the I can change I need to "live it with intention". I also need to remember that while I cannot change or control events or some situations that I have not been a party to creating, I can certainly control my reactions to those situations and that in itself is a victory.

That's all for now :)

Need a Belly Laugh?

I watched this today and was laughing so hard my sides hurt. I LOVE Richard Simmons, he is such a fruitcake. Why did they take this show off the air? It was the best ever! ENJOY!

Working Girl

I've been oddly silent this week, going back to work after being off for a week really is a horrible shock to a persons system as anyone who works for a living well knows. My feelings this week sort of fell into Kubler Ross's 5 stages of grief /death and dying:

1.) Denial: What? What do you mean my vacation is over? It can't be! NO! It's not Sunday night already! Where the hell did the week go, THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING!

2.)Anger: Wait a minute, this is not fair, I work my ass off and I get a lousy week off and now I have to go back to the unbearable grind once again? This is the thanks I get? Unbelievable!

3.) Bargaining: OK, I understand that I need to work to pay my bills but can't I take Monday off and make this a 4 day to start out with? I'll come back, I will but just don't make me live through Monday. Please, NOT MONDAY!

4.)Depression: Damn, what's the point, I didn't win the lottery, bills are piling up, no Sugar Daddy had appeared to rescue me from my life of drudgery, whoa is me.

5.) Acceptance: I guess I was meant to be a worker bee till I eventually drop dead from the sheer drain of it all. Might as well put on my big girl panties and get out there and do it again. Fuck my life, thankyouverymuch.


That pretty much sums up the Sunday Night blues. There's probably not a person reading this who has not experienced them, and I really do enjoy my job for the most part. All this has gotten me to thinking, I really need to find some sort of career or existence that would allow me to just do whatever the hell I feel like doing and get paid for doing it. Something that would give me more flexibility and freedom. So Lets see, what could I seriously do on a daily basis and be completely happy with doing for the rest of my days? Hmmmm. I am actively going to try and make a list here...

1.) Newspaper advice columnist. I can totally see it now. "Dear Fuss, my husband enjoys wearing my undergarments and I find this a little upsetting. He also likes to french kiss our poodle while we are in the middle of our intimacy, what should I do?" Yes, I would relish answering quandaries like this. I am made for this, please someone out there, let me have my own soapbox, I promise never to be dull or judgemental about it just give me the chance!

2.)Writer. Yep, I could see doing this for a living, I enjoy it, it would give me a chance to grow. Yes, this would be good.

3.)Professional baking teacher. I am a former pastry chef, this is in my blood.

4.) Any kind of assistant needed for the lovely Mr. Hugh Jackman. I mean anything. I would wash his underwear, scrub his toilet, just anything. do you hear me Hugh? I LOVE YOU.

5.)Taster/flavor consultant for a high end chocolatier. Munching on exquisite chocolates allllllll day long.

6.)Weight loss motivational speaker. I know, pretty sick considering the job above this one right? What can I say? I'm an enigma. I've lost weight successfully over the years and I have pretty much kept the bulk of it off successfully. I can motivate just about anyone to do it and I love getting people on the path to health. I'm not an asshole about it, I realize that people are human and struggle and the fact that I have been there and continue to be gives me an edge over someone who looks like a model.

7.) Beauty Advisor. I know enough about makeup and skincare to be able to tell just about anyone what will suit them and what will flatter them most. Add fragrance to this as well and put me in a cute little boutique sitting on a pretty velvet throne where I can be sort of like the department store Santa letting people sit on my lap while I formulate a plan for them.

8.)Professional best friend/Oprah confidant. There is no one more loyal and there for you than me. Just no one. I could seriously knock Gail off her high horse as best friend of the century, hear me now Oprah. I will be there for you, support you, you can tell me your dirtiest secrets and I wont bat an eyelash. I'll stay up on the phone with you all night if you're having a particularly bad crisis. You'll have a hard time finding someone as gentle, kind and understanding as me but in this case, you're gonna have to pay me for it.

9.)Professional bullshit detector. YES. I have gotten so good at this, especially over the past year. I seem to have developed an eerie skill for immediately being able to detect when I'm being manipulated, lied to, played with, etc. Oh sure, it sounds easy enough but trust me on this, there are some slick ones out there who might have slid by me in the past but now I am acutely aware of controlling or negative, self serving behaviors like never before.

10.) Gaydar detector. When your gay friends ask you if you think so and so is gay, well, what can I say? I am known for this skill and it is correct 99.9% of the time. (And that 1% margin of error is Ryan Seacrest, come on who does he think he's kidding? I KNOW I'm right on that one too).

Hmmm, nothing else seems to pop into my head at this time. Oh I do have a really neat ability to guess peoples weight by looking a them. I usually come within 5 to 10 lbs every time. I'm sure there are quite a few other options out there but for now, this gives me a few things to toss around as possibilities. What about you? Are there some things you could see yourself doing if you weren't doing your current gig?

That's all for now :)

Ode to an old friend

Dear Black and Decker Pop n' Serve Popcorn Poppery,

We've been together for so many years I'm sure you're probably feeling taken for granted at this point, aren't you? Well, I was just discussing you with my good friend last night and I realized that you have been the one constant in my life for the last 27 years. Damn I'm old. Nothing else in my life has lasted as long as you so that's gotta mean something to you, doesn't it?

You went with me to college as a gift from my aunt Esther when I was a frightened teenager unsure of what to expect. I remember thinking to myself that you were a cheap gift and quite frankly I wasn't impressed with you. Boy did I have a lot to learn. You kept me company throughout all of those dateless nights in my dorm room. You made it into everyplace I've ever lived since I left the comfort of my mothers house. You met every room mate I've ever had. You stood bye silently and never judged me while peacefully observing every loser man I've ever seriously dated. You got me through weight watchers as I lost 89 pounds all those years ago and you continued to be there for me as I gave up those fattening chips that put some of that weight back on me. You were right next to me and my hot cocoa mug during blizzards, and you were there again in the heat of the summer when I couldn't really eat and just wanted something fun to nibble on.

What can I say to you? A cheap gift? Wow, I'm embarrassed to admit that I ever felt anything other than deep affection and dare I say "love" for you. After browsing through some of your distant relatives on Amazon recently, I can honestly say that they broke the mold when they made you. Your design and performance has never been matched since, not even by that snotty Cuisinart.

So tonight, I'm going to pull you out and show you how much you mean to me. I only hope and pray that you have another 25 years left in you my friend ,or that I go before you cuz I don't want to live in a world without my beloved pop n'serve popper.The thought of that is simply too much to bear.

That's all for now :)

I'm Back!

Hey kids! How's the new year going for you so far? Are you making good on those resolutions? I generally do not make resolutions but I said to myself on NY's eve, "damn girl, you getting really puffy. Tomorrow you need to restart Weight Watchers".

The shocking thing is, when I woke up feeling disgustingly large and like a very unsexy humpty dumpty I actually made good on my promise to myself. I began counting points (weight watchers system) and I never looked back. Salad has made a big comeback, tons of water and herbal tea everyday along with very limited sweets and accounting for everything I put in my mouth. I have not gone to a live meeting yet but I have a monthly pass membership that I maintain even when I am eating badly. I always know that I will eventually come back to my mother ship and I always do.

This morning I weighed myself. Are ya ready for this? *drum roll* I LOST 7.4 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!. Never in the history of my dieting attempts have I managed to pull something like this off. Even when I was really big I could only lose 4 pounds in a week and that was the first week only. Generally I lose at a snails pace, about 2 to 3 pounds a month if even. I am back into my pants and they are not cutting off my circulation like a tourniquet and I only have 10 lbs to go till I get to my goal. ROCK AND ROLL BABY!

If you are feeling shitty about your weight and don't know what to do, I cannot recommend Weight Watchers highly enough. Thirteen years ago the program showed me how to eat and I lost 89 lbs. I spent my whole life as a very big girl and after my mom died I vowed to make her proud and be the best me I could be. She lost a large amount on Weight Watchers when I was a kid and that was way back when you had to make your own ketchup! They called it "legal" ketchup. I cannot even imagine how hard it was then but she did it and I learned by example.

My life has been completely different since I lost that weight. I can shop in any store, I don't have to obsess over something making me look fat because I'm not! I can ride a bike and hike and wear cute shorts and bathing suits and not be embarrassed. Dating is easier and my whole mental attitude has completely changed. I never regained the bulk of that weight, 20 pounds was the limit for me. Life as a normal sized person is such a joy that I never ever want to go back to the way it used to be. Sorry if I sound preachy but getting back in touch with my vow to myself to never be fat again kinda makes me that way. No overweight person is truly OK with it no matter what they claim. Overeating is not really about the food even if that food is really fantastic and you're enjoying it, it's about using the food as a coping mechanism or as a friend to help you deal with things you do not want to deal with head on. When I lost my 89 lbs I met the love of my life and I went back to school for another career. I made some great lifelong friends too. These events and the timing of them were no coincidence. When my food and eating is in control, my life is in control. Here's to looking and feeling healthy and hot in 2010!

That's all for now :)

Birthday Girl

This past monday, January 4th, was my Birfday. Shame on you for forgetting it . Don't expect me to remember yours. I had a really really fabulous day thanks to the very best friend a girl could ever have, we went to my favorite fancy lunch spot and these pictures are of my lunch and our dessert. My lunch was simply fit for a queen. This lovely and aesthetically gorgeous repast can be enjoyed at Takishimya's Teabox restaurant. Takashimaya or "Tak" is a very high end Japanese department store on 5th avenue and 53rd street in Manhattan. The Teabox restaurant is on the lower level and they serve fantastic lunches as well as having a wonderful afternoon tea service. My lunch was a bento box which consisted of the most delicate and flavorfully juicy grilled wagyu beef, curried salmon mixed with baby greens, sweet potato with rice, tofu BBQ, egg custard with chicken and shrimp, curried crab roll and potato salad. Every mouthful was absolutely perfect and so delicious. They also have a vegetarian version as well if you do not eat meat. Trust me when I tell you that eating here is an experience. I always leave feeling like I've had the perfect amount of food and it is all light, tasty and healthy. They also have an extensive list of specialty teas and I have been choosing the plum cinnamon lately. It is brought out to you in a small ceramic pot so you can have it throughout your lunch as you desire. The dessert bento box was filled with a delicious assortment of mixed fresh fruits, a spiced creme brulee, green tea ice cream, a deliciously moist chocolate cake, two delicate buttery tea cookies filled with roasted almonds and chocolate and a green tea truffle. It was all to die for. Whenever I eat here I usually spend most of my time between bites exclaiming "OMG, wow, yum, OMG, what is in his? Mmmm, wow, oh my, etc etc". If you are in NYC and you are doing some running around and want to find a quiet, peaceful oasis from the maddening crowds, this would be it, I highly recommend it!

The Teabox is open M-Sat. Lunch is 11:45 to 2:45 so if you want the Bento box you need to get there before 2:45. Even if you do not choose the Bento box, everything served is delicious! Afternoon tea is from 3:00 to 5:30. It's not cheap(Bento box was $21, worth every penny) but there are plenty of places just as $$ that are nowhere near as good as this and it is a wonderful calming oasis in a crazy city! Check out all the beautiful perfumes on the first floor and the wonderful body butters and bedroom accessories on the 3rd floor!

That's all for now! :)

Elegance in Human Form

She wants those cookies baaaaaadly. I can tell. I think her brows need to be a tad darker and sadder. What do you think?

Full Circle

Yesterday, at the bank, a woman told me she loved me. She was pretty much a stranger to me and I to her. After she said it to me, I said it back and I truly meant it. Let me tell you what happened.

14 years ago after my mom died my entire life was a complete mess. I posted about this here before so I don't want to rehash it all but at this time I was jobless, getting kicked out of my apartment, my friends had pretty much deserted me, I was 89 lbs overweight and I was severely alone and depressed. I had nothing to my name except for a $2000 bank check from my mom's bank account that was mine after she died. I took that check to my local bank to open an account since my previous bank was upstate. The woman standing at the service counter that day took one look at me and offered to let me come in and sit in one of the cubicles with her so she could help me. I had been crying pretty much all day and nite, I looked like such a wreck. I sat down and she asked me what she could do for me. I explained that I had this check and I needed the money ASAP so I could move into a new apartment since my roommates were kicking me out and I only had two weeks to find something. I began to cry. And I cried. And cried. And cried. She never judged me, as a matter of fact, she took out a box of Kleenex and handed it to me and she let me cry my eyes out. I blurted out the story of my mothers sudden death and my terrible situation and my lack of support. She looked at me and she took my hand and said that every morning when she wakes up she thanks God for waking her and that I needed to start doing the same. She told me that everything was going to be OK, that I needed to hold on and have faith that God would not let me down. I calmed down and part of me really believed her or at least really wanted to. I finished my business and left. I saw her a few times after that, all those years ago and I always thanked her and we exchanged niceties. She was transferred to another branch and I had not seen her for a good 8 or 9 years, till yesterday.

Yesterday, on New Years Eve, I went inside the bank to use the ATM. I never do this but there was a line in the outside area at the ATM machines so I decided to use the one inside the bank to avoid waiting in line. I opened the door, and there she stood. Our eyes locked and at first, I'm not sure she recognized me but then the recognition set in and her face softened and she called out to me "look at you! you're all grown up! Are you a model now? You are gorgeous, you're so radiant and glowing! How are you doing?" I laughed and said OK and asked her how she was.

She told me that she was fine and that she was only here for today to help out, that she was still working at another branch. I looked at her and I said to her "I will never ever forget what you did for me all those years ago. I think of those words you said to me everyday, that you are thankful for waking up everyday and I try to be like you and be positive even when I feel bad". I then told her that she was a beacon for me that day, she was my hope that there were good people who actually cared about others out there and that maybe I would find people to love me again and I wouldn't always be alone like I was. I told her how much comfort her words brought to me and how much of a difference she made in my life at that terrible time. I began to cry as I told her these things because remembering it brought it all back for me, the desperation and the depression and sadness I felt at that time and I was also realizing how far I had come despite being so hard on myself from day to day.

She began to cry too and I said to her "I'll bet you never realized how much of a difference you made in another persons life that day did you? You helped me get through the worst time of my life and I always think of you and your kindness when I think of that time." She looked so stunned and surprised. She came out from behind the counter and put her arms around me and we hugged and cried. Then, this woman I never really knew put her arms around me and we hugged and she told me that she was proud of the woman I had become. She also told me that she was having a terrible day that day all those years ago. She was struggling with her own problems with her teenage daughter (who is now 30) and a man who treated her badly. She told me that she barely believed the things she told me but she knew that I needed support and positivity so she tried to give me encouraging words. I told her that I was convinced that my mother had put her in my path that day as my angel and that it was no coincidence that we met. We both ended up hearing what we needed to hear that day and she told me that as she told me to be thankful for my life it made her realize that she needed to step back and do the same.

We finished our conversation and we exchanged numbers and vowed to keep in touch. She then hugged me and whispered "I love you" and the funny thing is, I knew that she really meant it even though we do not know each other. I said to her 'I know we're strangers but I honestly love you too, you are a beautiful person". And that was that. Then, this girl who does not consider herself to be a "religious" person, left the bank feeling like I had just gone to church and had some sort of Epiphany, some sort of religious experience . It was such a joyful and meaningful experience. It reminded me that I had started out this day comparing myself to my cousins who seem to have everything and I was pretty tough on myself and now, I realize how truly far I've come and how much I have accomplished on my own. I am sitting here right now content in the knowledge that today, I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life and what happened today was no coincidence, it was meant to be. Life is funny like that, isn't it?

That's all for now :)