Meet Me in Montauk

So I've been on vacation this week from work. Work has been sloooow as molasses and with my job, the work flow is totally unpredictable so I just have to roll with it and deal with less money at certain times of the year. Because of this, I decided to stay close to home and I thought a lot about where to go just to get away from it all. Upstate is my usual choice, being an upstater and knowing the area. This time however, I got a bee in my bonnet and decided to go to Montauk, Long Island.

I've lived in NYC for 23 years. I have always wanted to go to Montauk but just never quite made it. I've been to the Hamptons and frankly, I hated it. I felt bored, poor and annoyed. These are not feelings that I particularly enjoy. The Hamptons is a place to be seen. I don't need to be seen. I don't care about "clubbing" and I never have and while I like eating and shopping to a degree I see no reason to wait in line or spend a ridiculous amount on things that I could easily obtain elsewhere for a more reasonable amount. Even as a very young person, I never was into a "scene" and the Hamptons is precisely this. I have always preferred to spend time with interesting people chatting and taking in whatever environment I'm in.

So back to Montauk, it is the eastern most census designated place in New York State. Once you get to the very end, the tippy top of the point of land at the edge of the ocean and you can't go any farther , that it is. I am normally not a beach person, I love the ocean and the beach but I sort of gravitate more toward mountains. Maybe it has something to do with being the whitest person on earth and having to be careful around the sun, I don't know but being in Montauk made me want to spend more time at the ocean. It reminded me of the late nights I used to go to the beach at Far Rockaway here in Queens NY. My ex used to have a car, and he would pick me up late at night, like around 12 or 1 am and we would just drive to the beach and go for walks near the ocean in the dark. I loved it. It was so peaceful and quiet. We would walk along the shore and listen to the waves crash and hold hands and talk about the future or just walk in silence each in our own thoughts. I remember feeling blessed that I was with someone that I could be silent with and there was an understanding that it was comfortable and a good thing, a sign of acceptance. I remember the feeling of my hand in his, how small I felt and how lucky I felt. I remember feeling amazed at that water and the constant back and forth, ebb and flow and how with all the uncertainty in the world, that was something that had been the same for millions of years and would continue to be so until the very last minute of this planets existence. I remember looking out and wondering what and who was on the other side of that mass of water and what those people were thinking. I so looked forward to those nites, they were very special to me.

I hate to sound really cliche but when I think of Montauk, I think of one of my very favorite movies, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". There is a scene in this movie where the main characters wake up in bed on a wintry beach on Montauk with snow blowing around them. Of all the images of this movie, I love this one the most. It just speaks to me. I've referred to it so many times as illustrating how I feel about a particular situation or a mood I'm experiencing or even as being the image that a scent conjures up for me. I won't ruin it for you if you haven't seen it but it is a truly wonderful movie and I relate to it far more than I should. Faced with losing each other forever, one of the main characters whispers to the other "meet me in Montauk" in an attempt at maintaining a connection that is about to be lost to them forever . The first time I saw it I cried a really strong ugly cry. You know that cry when you're really vigorously sobbing and glad that no one else is around and when it's over you need to lay down? Yep, that was how I felt about that one. But it was actually good because I felt validated and understood, as if whoever wrote that could feel my feelings and was inside my head. I realize that might sound egotistical but isn't it normal sometimes when you are feeling really strong emotions to feel that no one understands you? That feeling goes away and common sense returns but when you're in it it can be really overwhelming, at least for me. I'm a super feeler though, I think I may feel and experience things a bit more intensely than the normal human being. Or maybe not.

Getting to Montauk took about 3 hours. Getting back took 2. Yay for speeding ,late night driving and no traffic on the return. There are quite a few state parks and a few beaches and since my time was limited I decided to play it by ear. My companion and I went to the famous lighthouse. The lighthouse is at the very tip and a historical landmark. I think it's a requirement that every first time visitor goes there. I'd never go again, unless I was with a person who wanted to go but it was a nice experience. The best part was that after going to the lighthouse, we noticed a small beach nearby and we walked to it and took our shoes off and ran into the ocean. It was beautiful. The water was so clear and warm and we were the only people there. I took my requisite small pebble, I always do this, it's a habit I've gotten into. Every time I go to someplace that I find really beautiful and meaningful, a place that I know I will hold dear in my memory, I take a very small pebble and keep it in my pocket as a tangible reminder that such a place exists. I call it my "anchor". No one knows about it but me. All last winter I had a small pebble from my favorite mountain in Vermont in the pocket of my winter coat. Every time I put my hand in my pocket for something or to keep my hand warm and felt it I instantly felt transported back to that place and felt a wave of happiness and safety. On that beach, we stood on a huge rock, feeling safe from the waves and in one huge surge we got completely soaked from head to toe. It was wonderful, it made me feel alive and I took it as sort of a mini lesson that no matter what I think, I am really not as in control of things as I seem to think I am.

After the beach, we took a little walk on a trail we found at an overlook and that too was really relaxing and nice. Then on to a fabulous dinner and chatting. It was really all I needed and it left me feeling like I really need to do things like this more often. Sorry if this sounds really cheesey and self help-ish but getting away even for the little bit that I did really reconnected me with my inner voice. Oh but don't worry, I'm still a sassy big mouth, some things will never change ;)