Featured Movie Review: Bret Michaels in... "A Letter From Death Row"

Yeah, that's right, you read it correctly. I said Bret Michaels and yes, that is the Bret Michaels who is the lead singer of the rock band "Poison" and stars in his own TV reality show called "Rock of Love" which follows his romantic exploits. I have never felt compelled to talk about a movie here, until today.

I'll begin by saying that I have a confession to make. I love bad movies. I have an abnormal excitement for them. For years my ex and I used to cuddle up on Sunday nights in front of the TV at 12 am when our local channel 7 features "the channel 7 late movie". It is always something you have never heard of and it stars people you forgot existed. Think Donna Mills, Morgan Britney, Lisa Rinna any of the Baldwin brothers, professional athletes you never knew took a turn at acting, Harry Hamlin, Vincent Pastore, Michael Madsen...etc. Get the pic? The people you see in these debacles are sometimes really great actors who must have been behind on their mortgage payments or just B list ones that seem to have found a home as Lifetime movie regulars. The thing that I love about these movies is that they are usually so bad you find yourself talking to the screen. For example: " wow, what was with that camera angle? OMG, this music is ridiculous! OK, here we go again, look behind you, there is a guy with a knife ready to pounce and you're playing right into it! Yep, she hates him but I'll bet they're in bed together two commercials from now".....etc etc. It is most fun when I watch these types of movies with a good friend or someone who also shares my love of the absurd. It's also really fun to try and guess what's coming up next and place bets on how crazy things will get.

So getting back to "A Letter From Death Row" ...there I was last night, on the phone with BFF chatting away, when I looked up and saw the words "starring Bret Michaels" and I screamed..."OMG! Bret Michaels acted in a movie? what the hell is this?" My friend was also intrigued and she flipped to said channel. We were both tickled to see Martin and Charlie Sheen in the cast as well. This seemed to have all the makings of a classic for me. The only way that Bret Michaels could have scored Martin and Charlie Sheen for this gem was maybe after hooking up at a Hollywood coke party or something. I imagined it went something like this:

Bret: Oh hey dude! I love your work! So I'm doin' a movie, yeah, I even wrote the script and all. Would you give me some star power and take a part in it?

Charlie: Bro! I am so glad to see you here! I love your music, it was great mood music when I was really into prostitutes a while back! Not only would I love to be in your movie, it would be repayment to you for all those great times I had with your CD's setting the mood! As a matter of fact, if you want I can even get my Pops involved. He's getting old and he's mellowed out a lot. I'll bet he'd love to add this to his resume!

Bret: Cool! Very cool! Here's my cell #, lets go for massages next week and work out the deets! AWESOME!

*Mutual fist pump in the air, end of interaction, snorting resumes*

So, the movie, here goes. Bret Michaels plays Michael Raine, a convicted killer on death row. The tag line for this movie is :"There is no lie more frightening than the truth". He was framed (or was he?) for the murder of his stripper/whore girlfriend Kristi. Were they role playing or did he really strangle her during kinky sex? The movie takes you through the happenings that lead up to his conviction and it basically is a complete cluster fuck of events. Bret wrote and produced this as well, just to let you know. What can I say? It was just the most unbelievable thing I have ever seen. Imagine one long bad rock video from the late 80's early 90's only with people talking and an attempt at a plot line.

The are only 2 movies that come to my mind immediately that were just as bad as this. One is "Double Team" starring Dennis Rodman, Jean Claude Van Damme and Mickey Roarke. The tag line alone for that one is worth the price of admission..."He's a one man arsenal...with enough voltage to rock the free world". I seem to recall a hilarious scene with Dennis Rodman on a motorcycle holding a baby who was crying and riding around in circles. It involved terrorism, that's all I can remember and frankly I don't want to remember any more. I'll admit, I saw this one at the theater. My good friend wanted to go, he too loves bad movies so we went together and we laughed so hard that we almost got kicked out of the theater by people behind us who were totally taking this mess seriously. The other winner was a Harry Hamlin/Lisa Rinna vehicle called "Sex ,Lies, and Obsession" . Harry Hamlin plays a dirty whore sex addict who is a well respected orthopedic surgeon and frequents the bad section of town picking up prostitutes. He has to, he's a sex addict! The movie takes you through his sex addiction, his therapy, his pissed off wife's issues with him, etc etc. It's a total "talk back to the screen" movie, not as much as "a Letter From Death Row" but it is totally watchable in it's own right. Oh honorable mention goes the classic "Roadhouse", starring the legendary Patrick Swayze as a troubled bouncer who actually rips a guys throat out. Yes, he really does that in the movie.

So back to "A Letter From Death Row". The things that make this so great are the really horrendous camera angles, the music (Bret wrote it, power rock ballad type of stuff and heavy metal screeching), the way he breaks it up into "chapters" and it flashes across the screen in big block letters, for example "CHAPTER 3: THE BIG HOUSE". He also is a cheese master, focusing on women's legs a lot and zooming in on them crossing and uncrossing their legs while sitting in front of him and talking. He narrates the movie at certain points and as he narrates it there are extreme close ups of his mouth as he speaks. I know, WTF? Martin Sheen plays Brets father who comes to visit him on death row and is only in this mess for about 5 minutes, and Charlie plays a cop who just shoots at something and is out of the scene in about 60 seconds.

Oh and the best part which I took note of...the biggest percentage of the costume budget for this movie must have been devoted to head coverings i.e. wigs, scarves, bandages etc. Bret Michaels has major male patterned baldness, and being a rocker he insists on having long hair. In order to preserve his dignity, he covers his head with a bandanna in nearly every shot. When he was hospitalized, the bandage was strategically placed to cover his receding hairline. He also sported a wig in a few scenes. This is probably why I was completely shocked to hell when (SPOILER ALERT!)...there was a scene when he was attacked in the prison showers with a weird homoerotic vibe where the prison warden was wearing a shorty bathrobe and had a guard attack him as they shaved his head. I know, it sounds crazy, just get this and watch it. You will seriously thank me for the entertainment value of this one. Oh and never in a million years did I imagine I would hear myself saying "wait a minute, no fucking way is that Bret Michaels in a Nuns habit. No fucking way, is it really him in a Nuns habit? OMG!! IT IS!".

What else can I say here? This movie was so scattered that I'm even getting confused telling you about it. I'm going to end here by says that I highly recommend this one if you want to sit open mouthed for 89 minutes and laugh your ass off intermittently.