Somethings gotta change here. It just has to. Today, I actually walked into K-Mart and, and....I bought a three pack of underwear. How depressing is that? People, I am in a very dark place right now. It was a wake up call. I don't subscribe to being a vixen on a daily basis but buying that utilitarian "grandma bloomer" type of underwear is a huge indicator of how I've been feeling lately. I have such a case of the fuckits and I honestly don't know what to do about it. I feel ancient and fug and I don't know why. You would think I would be in maximum hot mode having lost some weight and having the best hair on earth and a pretty dynamite personality going on here but no, I feel like the most unwanted toad on earth. It's pretty distressing. I feel invisible. Maybe this is what happens to a woman in her 40's? I've heard about it, that you sort of stop mattering and people ignore you. Even feeling like dirt lately, I still think I'm pretty hot shit so this doesn't seem to be it at this point.
I sort of believe that I was meant for something really great. I realize that saying this here really gives my future court appointed psychiatrist a lot of ammunition when I snap and kill or mame someone in the future in a PMS rage but I'm willing to take that risk and just put it out here for everyone to read. I'm not saying this because I want to be known for something, that's not it, I just feel like my life is so damned mediocre right now I want to scream. I like my life, its not a bad life, I have a rewarding career which is a far cry from the Mcjobs I had years ago but I feel like this is not the final act for me despite having two other careers before this current one. But what the fuck should I be doing and why do I think so much? WHY MUST I THINKTHINKTHINK LIKE I DO? It has always been a curse. I over analyze every damned thing in my life. I've been like this since birth. I'm sure If I could conjure up the memory I probably even questioned my dear mothers diaper and formula choices for me. Why can't I just be one of those people who gets married, pops a kid out and lives a predictable existence forever after and never wonders what could have been, just lives in that life and is happy as a pig in slop about it? Why does that sound like death to me? I am completely mental. It's like I have ants in my pants to do something different but I don't know what. I really think something is coming though, change is coming.
I've said it before but I really feel it. Lately I have been feeling a weird sensation, sort of like the ozonic hum in the air before a big thunderstorm. You know that feeling? You hear that weird eerie buzz in the air and there are wavy lines coming up off the pavement. It smells metallic, earthy, almost fizzy in the air. You know its coming, you don't know when or how bad it will be but its sort of exciting and you want to be safe from it yet you want to see and experience it fully.
You know what? I'm thinking maybe I need to go on some cheesy reality show and make an ass out of myself. Maybe then I would figure something out or at least have some excitement and be on to the next thing. Maybe I could be "America's Next Top Curmudgeon." There are quite a few things lately that are annoying the hell out of me. Or, "The Spinster". This would be great wouldn't it? All about my riveting dating exploits up close and personal. Instead of giving the keepers a rose or whatever like they do on the bachelor, I'd give them an extra thick slice of peppered bacon fried up nicely. Why not? " Billy, will you accept this bacon?" Any man who says no is clearly crazy.
But back to the current state of affairs... besides buying fugly undies, the high point of my day has been getting a lot of hits here on the piece I wrote with that pic of the vagina light switch. I don't know what sick bastard out there linked to THAT of all things but this is yet another winning moment for me, to be known for something tasteless and tacky. Is anyone reading anything heartfelt I've said here? Nooooooo. They're all looking at a light switch that resembles a freaking vagina. Yay. Please don't be sad if I blow my brains out by the end of this week. I've had a good life, really.
That's all for now.
3 comments:
Hang in there, girl. I read your blog and think you're terrific. You help a lot of people in a lot of ways. Did you know that everybody has from 5 to 7 bad days a month? Maybe it's just a speed bump.
You're right about middle-aged women becoming invisible...it's happened to me even though I was quite a looker. My take on it? Hey, now I'm stealth! Also, you can intimidate young men now, which can be fun. Middle aged means you can push back when you have to and don't really care what they think of you. It's very liberating.
Granny Panties are comfortable; that's why you bought them. It's hard to function with a thong cutting you in half. My advice is to comfort and nurture yourself right now. Tender loving care -- you are good and valuable right now, without any proof.
Just so long as the Granny Panties aren't big enough to wash a car --
LOL!! That is funny, I dont think they are THAT big! MY friend in New Orleans calls them Maw Maw panties. that actually made them sound cute to me. you are so right with everything you said, I feel many of those things you mentioned and I actually do enjoy intimidating youngsters! Thank you so much for your wisdom and for stopping by!
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