Random stuff and coming out with my love for "Nips"

I know, someone said to me recently "wow, a lot of words piss you off". I don't know if that's true, oh hell, who am I kidding? It's true. After all, I AM a fussbudget. "Make love" and "panties" are still tops for me, even just typing "ML" makes my skin crawl. I recently had a guy say he wanted to ML to me and I wrinkled my nose and told him to never ever say that again. Ever. Not only that, but after he said it, it totally ruined any chance he ever had of getting some from me.. so here are a few more, mostly annoying mispronunciations...

Di-a-beee-tees
Conversating
Irregardless
One in the same
And what not
At the end of the day
supposably
And so on and so forth
Ree-la-tor
Kay-suh-dill-uh (Quesadilla)
Persay (for per se)
Expresso (Espresso)
Be pacific (Be specific)
Axe (Ask)
Sangwich (sandwich)
Nook-yoo-ler (Nuclear)
Argh
Gah
Excalator (escalator)
Wah Lah! (voila)
horse du vors or are derb (Hors D'ovres)
prolly (probably)
expecially (especially)
eyerack (Iraque)
Valentimes day
Libary
"Lets touch base"
"We keep playing phone tag"
never the less
Febuary
special lady (unless you are a 70's R&B singer)
lady friend (who the hell actually says this? I want to kick men that say this. She's more than a friend when this is used, it's so stupid)
making whoopie (unless you're on The Newlyweds)


Also, another random mention, I am really enjoying "nips" and I wanted to give them some respect here. You know those candies from nestle? They come in a box and they come in a few flavors? I have the butter rum and coffee flavors. They were on sale for .99c a box this week. They are only 30 calories a piece and such a good thing for me when I am having a sweet craving and do not want to eat. They are hard candies and after I suck on one of those for 10 minutes or so, I usually do not want anything else sweet. I used to keep hard Werthers around for this, they really kill my sweet cravings but I like the options you have with the flavors of Nips. so yeah, you heard that right, I am enjoying sucking on nips lately. Does anyone else see a problem with this? Come on Nestle, did you really do that on purpose? A man must have come up with that name for sure.

That's all for now :)

Farewell My Good Friend!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am officially in mourning. It is with great sadness that I must tell you of the closing of my very favorite store on earth. Yes kids, my beloved Takashimaya will be no more as of June 19th! I am completely stunned. I posted pics here of my wonderful birthday lunch there, it is the most wonderful place for quiet, relaxing shopping and a stunning lunch. Did you know that lunch had the ability to be stunning? I didn't until I ate there years ago and I've been going back ever since. The store is huge in Japan and is still there and it came here in 1958. I am just so sad that it is leaving New York City. I know it's hard to imagine, but picture a store that feels like a very expensive home. Intimate, soft lighting, quiet. Items from all over the world, the best of the best yet no one ever made you feel pressured or like you were not welcome if you weren't spending. This was Takashimaya.

I feel like a weirdo admitting how devastated this makes me feel, but it does. I am not a big shopper these days, I hate those fancy, high end 5th avenue venues but this was different. I have sat in the tea box with my BFF crying over broken relationships, talking about new ones, bitching about work, raving about a new lipstick or perfume. It's just MY place. I've always felt like whenever things are rough, going to "Tak' for lunch always made me feel better. Just sitting in that calm environment, having a beautiful pot of exquisite tea and gazing at the perfectly prepared plates of fabulous food always made everything seem not so bad. Even the cool triangular shopping bags were different than anyplace else. I am sitting here right now adorned with my $48 lipstick (YES! CRAZY RIGHT? ITS LIKE BUTTAH AND WORTH EVERY CENT!!) that I bought there and I am barely able to choke back my diva tears. I am now taking to my bed to try and process this horrible situation. I may get up later and use my $120 (YES!! I KNOW! NUTS! I THOUGHT I LOST MY MIND TOO BUT DAMN ITS WORTH IT!) body cream from there as a pick me up, we'll see.

No one in that store ever had an attitude despite the tony location or the hefty price tags. That is more than I can say for Bergdorfs, Barneys and the like. Anyway, if you are in NYC or if you will be here before June 19th I beg of you to go to Takashimaya to experience it before it's gone. The building itself is beautiful and has an almost haunting quality to it. Go shop and have a bento box lunch and dessert at the Tea Box downstairs. you won't be sorry and you will always have that memory of what shopping should be like.

That's all for now :)

A Man Like My Dad

So this Sandra Bullock debacle really got me thinking lately. About a lot of things. I don't want to sound jaded or anything but her husbands behavior did not surprise me. Tiger Woods behavior didn't surprise me either. I'm actually more surprised at people being surprised by any of this.

I learned the hard way that thinking the person you're with would never ever "do that" is totally naive and stupid. I'm beginning to think that every man cheats somehow and in some way and many women put up with it or just accept it or even turn a blind eye to it. I am not one of these women. When I was cheated on, that was it. I was devastated, sick inside, just beyond anything. I lost 17 lbs in three weeks, I was physically ill as well as emotionally destroyed. I still do not understand how anyone can behave so selfishly when the feelings of the person they claim to "love" are at stake. Why not leave first before you go and do something like that?

Since my experience, I have dated quite a few men and none of them instilled any confidence in me whatsoever. While I enjoyed my time with them, I could imagine every one of them hurting me and many of them did. This did not surprise me. I don't know whether it's my total body of experience or the particular ones I've had but I really have sort of settled into where I am and I'm realizing that everything has an expiration date. Relationships, even people!

I wonder why things have come to this? Why people now seem to feel that other people are "disposable"? Like there is another person just around the corner so who gives a fuck what happens with this one? I am sure computers/technology have a lot to do with this. Online dating is like shopping. People get into this mindset that everything should be easy and if it isn't then why bother with it? Onto the next!

I remember how it was between my parents. My father was cut from a different cloth than men now. He worshipped my mother and she did him. They were a team. They both worked even though it was at a time when a lot of women still did not. They shared household chores. They used to make a picnic and go to the beach together after work in the summer to eat. They would just sit there and talk and enjoy each other. It makes me almost cry to think of how sweet they were together. They were like that till the very end too. They had such struggles and such hard times together but you know what? They rode it out and they never forgot why they loved each other. The things they went through were things that most people today would run away from but they never did. They made it through and they both realized that this is what makes relationships stronger and it is never going to be fabulous all the time. That's the way life is. Of course you don't hang around if abuse is an issue but I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about everyday stuff. Why the hell does anyone get married now? I remember hearing something that Dr Phil said a while back. Now I really really loathe Dr Phil so for me to give him credit for anything must be big but he once said that people spend all their time planning for the wedding and don't even think about the actual marriage. Tru dat Phil.

I sometimes feel like I was born in the wrong era. I am the kind of person my parents were. When I love someone, I love them. I will stick by them when its hard because I have faith that it's going to swing up and get better again. I have been to hell and back several times in my life and I'm a better person for it. I learned this from my parents. When bad things happen I always try to remember that there is a lesson in it for me that my higher power wants me to learn and I always try to use the experience to grow and become a better person for it. I refuse to play into a "victim" poor me role and I have no tolerance for people who do that. It's a waste of time and counterproductive. I'm not always positive, I have my shitty down times but overall I do not give in to negativity. If I did I would still be fat and making minimum wage and I am not. I have not met anyone else like this. Don't think I will at this point but that's OK. Being in my 40's now I feel like every relationship I'm in takes on a sort of "Simpson's" or South Park" type of spoof quality to it. I can almost see the time line things go on, where it's headed , the drama's along the way and the inevitable end.

Someone even said to me once that he considered 10 years with someone to be a "good run" and a success. I can't believe I'm finally agreeing with him but I now think I do. My dream is to find what my parents had and if I can't find that I don't want anything at all. I want a man like my Dad, a good honest person with no bullshit involved. Their relationship wasn't perfect, they had some downs with the ups but they were dedicated to making it last and I don't' think there is anyone left who thinks like this anymore. Frankly, I would rather be alone and happy than with someone who makes me miserable. I'm not a settler, that's for sure.


Seeing Sandra Bullock in the midst of this upheaval after the biggest highlight of her career really makes me so sad for her. The way she thanked that selfish son of a bitch and credited him with her success really makes me ill. It seems that she truly believed he was genuine and she trusted him with her heart. Now, that trust is really going to be nearly impossible for her to give to another so purely again. I can only imagine how painful going through something like this in public view must be. You can't imagine it if you haven't experienced it and I am sure she is suffering like hell right now. In the end, she will probably come to the same conclusion I did, that you can't change others, you can't make them behave as you want them to. It would be nice if people had an attention span of more than a month or so but apparently no one does now. You do not have that control over others behaviors nor should you ever have it. The only thing that you do have control over is your own behavior and your reaction to others. Every experience teaches you lessons you need to learn and if you can calm down and see that life will make a lot more sense to you when it throws you it''s curves. It is in your own actions that you really can take some responsibility for your decisions and actions and be the best version of you possible!

I'd like to close this rambly post with a really great twist on the serenity prayer a friend sent me. I really love this, it has given me such peace and acceptance lately with a lot of things...

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the people I cannot change
the courage to change the one I can
and the wisdom to know.....
it's me



That's all for now :)

Grandma Bloomers as a Catalyst for Change

Somethings gotta change here. It just has to. Today, I actually walked into K-Mart and, and....I bought a three pack of underwear. How depressing is that? People, I am in a very dark place right now. It was a wake up call. I don't subscribe to being a vixen on a daily basis but buying that utilitarian "grandma bloomer" type of underwear is a huge indicator of how I've been feeling lately. I have such a case of the fuckits and I honestly don't know what to do about it. I feel ancient and fug and I don't know why. You would think I would be in maximum hot mode having lost some weight and having the best hair on earth and a pretty dynamite personality going on here but no, I feel like the most unwanted toad on earth. It's pretty distressing. I feel invisible. Maybe this is what happens to a woman in her 40's? I've heard about it, that you sort of stop mattering and people ignore you. Even feeling like dirt lately, I still think I'm pretty hot shit so this doesn't seem to be it at this point.

I sort of believe that I was meant for something really great. I realize that saying this here really gives my future court appointed psychiatrist a lot of ammunition when I snap and kill or mame someone in the future in a PMS rage but I'm willing to take that risk and just put it out here for everyone to read. I'm not saying this because I want to be known for something, that's not it, I just feel like my life is so damned mediocre right now I want to scream. I like my life, its not a bad life, I have a rewarding career which is a far cry from the Mcjobs I had years ago but I feel like this is not the final act for me despite having two other careers before this current one. But what the fuck should I be doing and why do I think so much? WHY MUST I THINKTHINKTHINK LIKE I DO? It has always been a curse. I over analyze every damned thing in my life. I've been like this since birth. I'm sure If I could conjure up the memory I probably even questioned my dear mothers diaper and formula choices for me. Why can't I just be one of those people who gets married, pops a kid out and lives a predictable existence forever after and never wonders what could have been, just lives in that life and is happy as a pig in slop about it? Why does that sound like death to me? I am completely mental. It's like I have ants in my pants to do something different but I don't know what. I really think something is coming though, change is coming.

I've said it before but I really feel it. Lately I have been feeling a weird sensation, sort of like the ozonic hum in the air before a big thunderstorm. You know that feeling? You hear that weird eerie buzz in the air and there are wavy lines coming up off the pavement. It smells metallic, earthy, almost fizzy in the air. You know its coming, you don't know when or how bad it will be but its sort of exciting and you want to be safe from it yet you want to see and experience it fully.

You know what? I'm thinking maybe I need to go on some cheesy reality show and make an ass out of myself. Maybe then I would figure something out or at least have some excitement and be on to the next thing. Maybe I could be "America's Next Top Curmudgeon." There are quite a few things lately that are annoying the hell out of me. Or, "The Spinster". This would be great wouldn't it? All about my riveting dating exploits up close and personal. Instead of giving the keepers a rose or whatever like they do on the bachelor, I'd give them an extra thick slice of peppered bacon fried up nicely. Why not? " Billy, will you accept this bacon?" Any man who says no is clearly crazy.

But back to the current state of affairs... besides buying fugly undies, the high point of my day has been getting a lot of hits here on the piece I wrote with that pic of the vagina light switch. I don't know what sick bastard out there linked to THAT of all things but this is yet another winning moment for me, to be known for something tasteless and tacky. Is anyone reading anything heartfelt I've said here? Nooooooo. They're all looking at a light switch that resembles a freaking vagina. Yay. Please don't be sad if I blow my brains out by the end of this week. I've had a good life, really.

That's all for now.

The Weight Of Fame

So I watched the Oscars Sunday, I usually do. I haven't seen a lot of the movies but I love it for the same reasons most girls do, dresses, hair, makeup and schmecksy men all cleaned up. As I was watching I was imagining what it must feel like to be a person nominated for something or even just what it must be like to be a person who is famous. It's not something I would ever want or strive for but I really do admire certain actresses and actors. Sandra Bullock is one of my all time faves and I was so happy to see her win.

So all of that said, this is what I was really thinking, if that was me and I was famous I would be one of those stars who ends up in the Enquirer on a regular with headlines screaming "LMF's baby bump! Are she and Hugh expecting?!!!" The answer my friends would be NO. She had a burger and fries followed up with two days of eating ice cream every night and now she is back on track again...but thanks for asking!

It really kills me when weight related stories rear their ugly head . What I really really want to know is, how do they know that Oprah is 258 lbs? EXACTLY 258? Not 263, not 243 but no, she is 258 dammit and don't you forget it! You've seen it haven't you? "OPRAH HITS 258, WILL DIE BY JUNE". Then it is followed with an article about how she was spotted at a buffet at some swanky spa(you like that? She does only frequent "swanky" places right?) and some lovely person took mental notes that she had not only pancakes and sausage, she had the NERVE to go back for eggs Benedict and a hot fudge sundae on her vacation! What must she be thinking?!!!! Then there are comments from "sources" that she was also seen with her BFF Gale eating cinnamon rolls and blueberry muffins in the front seat of her car. I am fairly certain, this would be the type of famous person I would be, followed and hounded every time I ate something other than salad. "Spotted: LMF out and about in NYC, attempts to satisfy her insatiable craving for cupcakes with a large box from Crumbs". Of course this would be followed by a pic of my love interest getting a lap dance because he has lost interest in me for being average. Or better yet, a pic of me being fed by my love interest (which you ought to know by now is the scintillating Mr Hugh Jackman) with a caption "spotted: big screen beefcake spoon feeds his colossal cutie at LA's coldstone creamery."

The other one that really bugs me is "KIRSTIE ALLEY DRS WARN: DIABETES NITEMARE AND MASSIVE HEART ATTACK LOOMING FOR HOLLYWOOD HEAVYWEIGHT". Just who are these Drs? OK. first of all, I love the way they use phrases like "Hollywood heavyweight" and "large and in charge" or "plus sized princess" . With Kirstie, some person loves to tell on her for ordering Chinese food and eating out a lot. They also like to point out how massive she is as if she is sub human. For Christs sake, I used to be 232 lbs, probably close to what she is and I was not about to drop dead or anything. Honestly, I did look pretty bad, but I wasn't a circus freak or anything. Note to self: if I ever become famous make everyone that comes within 3 feet of me sign a form forbidding them from talking about my food choices and intake.

Oh two last things: I was thinking about when when a sickly thin famous person gains weight and looks...average. They ALWAYS, ALLLLLLWAYS refer to them as "ballooning" up. I will never ever forget when I was a preteen and Cheryl Tiegs tormented me with her stick thin figure. She gained weight after a pregnancy or something and I remember them saying she "ballooned' up to 145 lbs. It was a huge deal at the time. Um....THAT IS MY GOAL! EXCUSE ME? And lastly, if I have to hear one more time about the wonderment of why Pierce Brosnan stays with his overweight wife I will explode. It's as if overweight women don't deserve love or it casts aspersions on whether or not he has lost his mind with being attracted to a fat chick! She was thin when they met and now...she's not. Lets all kill her and ridicule him for continuing to love his chubby wife! How nuts is this one? She still looks quite pretty, she is large and needs to rethink wearing a bikini IMO but she is a confident woman with a hunky rich guy for a husband. She's doing way better than me and 99% of the population out there. If I was her I would tell TMZ to SUCKIT and find another person to fuck with.


That's all for now :)

SHE LIVES.

I know I know. WHERE ON EARTH DID SHE GO?

I'm sorry. If you really do exist and are reading out there I have been so damned preoccupied what with Weight Watchers (I am down 13 lbs!!!!! I'm a ROCK STAR BABY! 7 more to go!), and writing a blog over there on a daily basis about all that nonsense and my inner most thoughts and going ons...oh and being sick again for like weeks now. Um, what else. Oh, my insane ex is acting like a really crazy person and that has been making life really rocky even though he is my ex. He has made me cry about 6 times in two weeks. I'm over it and feeling pretty damned good if I do say so. What else can I tell you....lets see. AHA lotion has worked wonders for my skin and you'd better get some immediately, smoked pork chops and chocolate vita muffin tops have asked me to marry them lately, I need a belt for my pants now, "The Bachelor" is the biggest moron on earth, I love snowstorms and highly enjoy sitting on my ass at home lately when the weather is really shitty, I have a feeling that my life is really gonna take off this year in big ways. Of course, I've thought that last one since I was 27 and I'm still waiting so we'll see on that one.

Whoever you are out there reading, I still love that you are reading my brain static and will be making a comeback in the VERY near future. I am also wondering how things have been with you? Is that strange that I am wondering about you, dear reader who I have never spoken to? Well, I do. I hope you are healthy, happy, laughing, content....I really really do!

I will be posting here very soon. Hopefully this weekend.

Sassily yours....da Fuss xoxoxox