Have a happy period

The time: 10:30 this AM

The place: the middle of the block as I walked to the subway to go to work this morning

The players: me and an innocent male passerby



Me: "hums to self whilst skipping down the block" lalalala, hmmmm....

He:*as he approached me head on "Excuse me, you dropped something"

Me: "oh? hmmm, what? thank you! *turns around to look at dropped item which was about 15 to 20 feet behind me now

He : *as he realized what item was*"oh no! I'm sorry!"

Me: "What?" *approaches item and recognizes it to be......A TAMPON IN ITS WRAPPER "OH MY GOD!! NOOOOO! OH NO NO NO! THIS IS THE MOST EMBARRASSING THING IN YEARS! YEARS!! OMG!

He: "No! It's OK! I've seen them before! I know! I'm so sorry, after I realized what it was I felt terrible and I thought maybe I shouldn't have said anything, she's gonna be really embarrassed! I'm sorry!

Me:" Oh God, no. This is just, oh god. OMG. I have no idea where it came from!" *clumsily checks well zipped up bag*

He: "I know, you look all zipped up there!"

Me: "please, can you pretend this never happened and you have no idea who I am if you ever see me again, please?

He: " OMG, yes, yes, I'm so sorry, so so sorry"

THE END.

Pic of the day

It's official, I am a Yoga bigot

OK, I'm on a hot rant right now and I'm gonna just free form on you. I haven't written like this in a bit so beware, Mount Fussbudget is due for an eruption. I just got into a VERY spirited discussion with a bunch of friends about Yoga among other things. Yes, Yoga. I know I've talked about my dislike for men who do it here in the past and my feelings have not changed. Not only have they not changed, they have intensified after two more experiences with Yoga practicing weirdos.

To be honest, after my last rant I felt like maybe I was being a bit bigoted and closed minded and I decided to give yoga do-ers a chance to see if maybe I was being unnecessarily harsh. I am here to report back that no, I was not. After checking, they are still fruit loops and I was correct in my assumption that there is something definitely off about male yoga doers. Female yoga do-ers seem to be a mixed group. Some are wound so tightly that you could bounce a quarter off their faces. These people LIVE to be offended by anything and everything. Others are just normal gals who want to stay in shape and strengthen etc. In all of this, gay men seem to get a free pass. I never met an annoying gay guy whose annoyingness was tied into his Yoga doing.

The thing about these yoga people is that there seems to be this super annoying douchey subculture related to it. Toss in meditation, vegetarianism/veganism, wearing skinny pants, driving a prius, being "spiritual but not religious", being "fiscally conservative but morally liberal", listening to indie bands and watching indie movies, owning a Mac and you've got the makings of a community of super annoying Chris Martins. See, all of these things in and of themselves do not annoy me, but when they all get combined it's the perfect storm for the making of a huge jerk. The weird part is, you would think that doing yoga would make these people relaxed but no. They are uptight and offended more easily than the average person in my experience and they are definitely neurotic to a large degree. Another thing is that self aware seems to equal self absorbed. They like to think they're all sensitive and in touch with feelings and such but in truth they are only sensitive to their OWN feelings, not yours or anyone elses. They make me want to hold them down whilst I eat a nice drippy slab of ribs in front of them.

I recently met two men who were yoga doers. The red light went off when I leaned this about them but I said you know, don't be a judgemental asshole here, give this person a chance. I was rewarded with a completely humiliating experience with one of them. I won't even tell you the story but this man fancied himself to be quite the evolved person and he was the most lost, confused person I have ever encountered. He treated me like a disposable object, never apologized or tried to be a decent person. He was quite simply a nightmare who should have come with a warning label. Even now, the thought of him roaming around out there makes me wish I could warn others. He was trying so hard to be a "good person" that it seemed to be totally out of his reach. I look back on it now and I think, what the hell was I thinking in letting my guard down and giving this guy the chance to be with my fabulous self? I spent time with him trying to help him when he needed it and he just randomly dismissed me and acted like I did not exist for absolutely no reason. This after HE pursued ME and convinced me that he was "different". Oh he was different alright. He could have been my case study in my psych classes for my personality disorder unit. The thing is, I really wasn't even into him seriously but I considered him a budding friend. All I wanted was some respect back after giving it to him but he was unable to even manage something as simple as that. Honestly, he deserved to have "massengill" carved into his forehead. Remember the scenes in "Inglorious Basterds" where they carved the Nazi emblem into the captured Nazis foreheads? Well replace that with "massengill" and I would be a happy girl if I could inflict that on that thoughtless, rude man. The other Yoga doer was just flaky. Not much to tell you on it but there was something off about him from the very little that I knew about him. Had some odd quirks. Not a hurtful jerk, he was sexy, sweet and fun to be with and I really liked him a lot but there was something that just wasn't right there.

I think my point here is not to hate on all Yoga doers even if it seems that I am with this crazy scattered tirade of mine. It's not even the Yoga itself. Yoga, of course, has very clear health benefits and the same with vegetarianism, it's that it tends to be one symptom of many that leads to the fatal disease of douchebaggery. I assume part of it is location, but you want to find the most uptight, self-righteous, annoying bunch of wankers? I'm willing to bet it's the yoga, vegan, Mac owning, Prius driving, skinny pant wearing, meditating, indie rock listening set! Yet out of that lot, there will be at least one really cool person who can't stand the rest of the people who do what he does, there are always exceptions to this biased, blanket statement I'm making.

Oh, bonus for you, the discussion we had also included a rant on Natasha Beddingfield as well. I know. By now you must be wondering, what the hell does this woman actually like? Plenty! But it's not as cathartic to tell you about that as it is to bitch about the things that annoy me. It's not very fussbudgety to talk about things I like all the time is it?So Natasha Beddingfield. OK, the thing about her is, she has all the emotion of a Yoplait yogurt commercial. Kind of like...OMG, this yogurt is *expressing yourself in a heartfelt ballad* good. Does that make sense to you? I don't really know why I hate her. She seems sweet, I kind of feel bad about it but I almost want to kick her. She's just so... empowered woman write-in-journal I am my own person kind of... blah. She and Colbie Calait would frolic in sun drenched fields together. I seem to have an irrational dislike for these two broads. I do not like this entire genre of music. It makes me think of Grays Anatomy, Dawsons Creek and other stupid overwrought hour long dramas with bad dialogue and totally implausible story lines on network TV. That "pocket full of sunshine" song makes me want to kill something too, or wax my floor with something lemony smelling that will create sparkle. When I hear her music. I feel like I should be sipping a pro-biotic smoothie after my bikram yoga class and on my way to a day spa in my husbands Mercedes.

I am now signing off to do some power yoga, drink soy macchiatos and stand in front in the mirror, wearing my Louboutins thankyouverymuch.

PS.....the video I posted below pretty much sums up my feelings on Yoga guys. for some reason it wasn't embeddable in this post. I have actually met men that are not too far from this guy. .....enjoy

That's all for now :)

Inappropriate Yoga Guy - Yoga, Bitch!

New shoes....

I know, you're really turned on right now, aren't you? Try to focus and give me your honest opinion. Do you like my new shoes? I'm not sure if they are suitable for work or not. What do you think? I'm sorry for the beaver-like expression here. I was trying to maintain my balance and really get a good pic of the footwear for you.

I meant to share this website with you a long time ago, I love it. It's right up there for me with with peopleofwalmart.com . Hope this provides you with as many giggles as it does me.

That's all for now :)

Pic of the day :)

How did they not see this when they designed this building?

The saddest book ever written...

Someone sent me this link today, there was a cute piece on SFweekly declaring this tome the saddest ever.I cannot take credit for this one. I was dying of laughter at it. It really is kinda tragic isn't it? I love the little drawbridge coming out of her microwave door. WTF with that? I have never seen a microwave like that before. Tears with a dash of bitterness make a tasty marinade don't they? What is one person going to do with all that food? Is Marie going to binge like a drug addict on it to forget about her loneliness? Can you imagine her madly overdecorating that little cake for one in front of her in between crying bouts? "Just what are you bitchez looking at? I'm worth it dammit! Cake for one? WHY THE FUCK NOT? GO TO HELL HATERS!"

OK, which one of you is messing with my head?

I'm sorry I don't have one of those fabulous inspirational, informational blogs that makes you want to be a better person or enriches your mind or whatever. This blog is basically a mishmash of whatever with a little bit of crazy thrown in. I'm about to tell you something so strange that you may question my sanity but I am a bit freaked out and I want to vent a bit before I go to bed. I realize I am risking you thinking I'm crazy but, whatever. If you have a weak stomach or you are irritable and don't want to listen to a lot of senseless rambling, get out now.Here goes....

I went out today for quite a while. I live alone.When I came home, I went to my bathroom. What I found there was not something I expected. I'm going to try to be be as frank as possible without grossing you out. There was something in my toilet that I did not leave there. Get the picture? At first, I thought maybe I forgot to flush but then I remembered, I didn't go before I went out. I am sure of it because being on Weight Watchers and being obsessed with the happenings of my bod I am really aware of these things. I follow the workings of my body pretty closely. I know for a fact that the item in question was not produced by me, it simply wasn't one of mine. I know what mine look like and that one was not born from me. Have I totally lost you yet or should I continue?

At this point I was getting scared but I knew I was alone in my apt and no one was lurking. After losing my keys last Friday night and getting the extra set from my ex, no one has my keys now, not even my landlord. For a minute, I wondered about the plumbing. Could something have backed up in there? I don't think so, not something that already went down and even so, that thing was not mine!

In the midst of all this, I spoke to a friend about this to try and calm myself down. Being upset and a little freaked I told him the situation. He was completely silent for a second and then he said "how can you be sure that isn't yours?" I went through the whole thing with him again and we reasoned out a few scenarios and none of it made sense. He told me to take pics of it for some reason so I did, "evidence"and all. At this point he mentioned a guy he works with who is an ex cop and he said we should call him and ask him if I should file a report. Can you imagine it? "Officer, there is poop in my toilet and I don't know where it came from, please send a squad car over stat". That would be a classic down at the station. "Hey Bill, remember that crazy call we got about a random drive by turding 3 years ago?" Anyway,I felt really stupid but he called the guy and the guy called me back and I told him the sitch.

His first comment was "how do you know it's not yours?" I went through the whole thing AGAIN with being on WW'ers and knowing my body etc etc. He actually said "oh yeah, my wife is doing that too". We talked about it for a bit and he said I could file a report if I wanted to but there was nothing they could do. He sounded a little disbelieving of me too, even he, a NYC cop. They've heard it all and he said he never heard one like this before. I could tell he thought I was nuts and he probably wanted to laugh at me. I wish I had a DNA kit to prove that thing wasn't mine. I really want to be vindicated on this one


Here's my question to you, if you came home and found that in your toilet and you knew it wasn't yours, what would you do? Would you question your sanity? The plumbing? Your forgetfulness? I've told this scenario to a few people and everyone responds with "how do you know it's not yours?" People, do you really not know what came from your own body? I guess I'm a sick freak because I look, yes I do. Maybe I've been listening to too much Dr Oz lately, but looking at it helps me see if what I'm eating is agreeing with me and what I need to tweak in my diet. Am I getting too gross and graphic for you? Well if I am you are a pussy and you don't belong here, run along now.

I'm actually wondering if it was the locksmith who changed my lock back when my ex fucked me over and was acting insane. I changed the lock about a year and 1/2 ago. That locksmith asked me out three times. I bumped into him twice after the lock change. Losing my keys Friday night also seems connected to this. What drama that one was! I was locked out in torrential rain and remembered that I gave my new set of keys to my ex when we got back together for a brief while (yes I am a complete asshole and need to be yelled at and mocked severely by Dr Phil, Dr Laura, Judge Judy and whoever else is nasty and yells at stupid women who give their ex's their keys like I did).

Anyway, he ran over here quickly so I didn't have to pay a locksmith to get me in. The good part was at the time of my call for help, he was on his way to a date with some chick who is even older than me (WOW) and has a kid. This after he said he wanted someone younger than me. My drama kind of put a damper on his date. Good on that I say after all the pain and heartache that man caused me. I still adore him and love him and I am eternally grateful to him but damn did that man ruin me and he has no idea what he put me through. I also mocked him and told him to have fun with his 'laday friend". That actually felt pretty good.

Good God I am tired and confused and have a headache just telling you this disjointed story. I can only imagine the agony you must be in after trudging through it all. I imagine I must sound like a total tangential, hyper mental patient but its called "venting" and my filter is off right now.
Anyhow, now I'm a little nervous to sleep here tonite alone and I'm wondering where this this monster came from. And how was your day?

Cute pic of the day :)

Oh No She Di'int !

OPRAH AND JON TESH? REALLY OPRAH? REALLY?

This was quite the gross out for me last night. Apparently O and the Teshter had a case of jungle fever back in the 70's. My ex told me this in a matter of fact way. He knows that I read the Enquirer as my guilty pleasure when I want to totally unwind and not think after a hard week. I actually screamed out NO!! NO WAY!! SHE CHEATED ON GALE? Then the full story came out about him dumping her due to race or whatever. Entertainment tonight was covering this like it was Watergate or something. OK, that part, if it's true, is really sad and pathetic on Jon Teshs part even if it was 1974. With Kitty Kelly being behind it who knows the real deets but Tesh did confirm dating Lady O when she was really young. This grosses me out like nothing else. Yeah, I'm judgin'. Sorry but ew. Jon Tesh is dating down for anyone. Even for you and me as ordinary non-famous citizens. If one of you commented here "but I dated Jon Tesh in the 70's" ,first of all I would track you down and smack you and then I'd say even to you "WHAT? you didn't think you could do better than THAT?" Incidentally, do you not love this pic of Jon Tesh? It is actually his face superimposed over Mary Harts' 80's 'do. It's not too far from the truth actually.

The thing about Jon Tesh is, he is a big blond Frankenstein of a guy. He is creepy. And he writes the fruitiest new age music. It's horrid. Sort of like Yanni. And Yanni got busted for beating up his GF years ago. I am still shocked that the lovely Linda Evans dated Yanni for a million years too. WTF kind of magical powers do these new agey guys seem to have over gorgeous women? Thank God I'm ugly and not famous or I'd feel at risk for being charmed by one of these nutbags. There's a lot behind those creepy new agey guys. I cannot believe Tesh has been married to the beautiful Connie Selleca for so long. I loved her when I was a kid. She seemed so normal , WTH has she been doing with Jon Tesh for all these years? For the life of me I cannot imagine Jon Tesh doing ANYBODY and lord knows I've tried over the last day. For whatever reasons he grosses me out and sets off something almost violent in me. Go figure. I guess he does have magical powers after all, only they seem to be negatively magical on me. After absorbing this for a few minutes I realized that Oprah did date Roger Ebert years ago too so this really isn't THAT surprising. Bless her for giving ugly dudes a chance like she has. No wonder Gale won out as her soul mate in the end. OK, that about does it, I guess I'm done expressing my shock and horror at this little nugget of the celebrity dating archives.

Carry on all..... :)

I'm a Belieber

Lately I've been noticing that where ever I turn, I seem to be hearing about this Justin Beiber kid. He's today's answer for the Leif Garretts, Andy Gibbs and Scott Baio's of my day. Yes, I realize I'm dating myself but it seems like the idols of my day actually had chest hair of some sort and some of them even had drivers licenses. Justin Beiber is 16 but he looks 12. The girls in his videos all look bigger than him. I know it's horrible, bitchy and mean for a grown woman like me to me to gripe about a 16 year old sensation but too fucking bad, it's my blog and he's annoying the crap out of me lately so there. I just suddenly became aware of this kid recently. Last year there was a mob scene at a mall nearby here where they had to call in the cops because people went wild for this kid. I had never heard of him. Honestly, he's not all THAT bad, I think I may be feeling a bit jealous at this kid having more radiant skin than me. Life just isnt fair.

The crazy thing is, I have been hearing his songs on the radio and I thought it was a chick! I was actually tapping my toes to "Baby" thinking, "I wonder who this girl is?"and "Oh, that sounds like Ludicris" I had no idea it was a teenage boy! I gotta tell ya I hate to admit it ,but the song actually was pretty catchy. And the video was pretty cute, at least the Ludicris part. To make matters worse, he totally reminds me of a younger Ellen Page, you know that girl from the movie Juno? Look at her. Now look at him. See what I mean? He almost has a trendy lesbian vibe to him. I ain't buying the teen boy thing right now, something is off for me. I have a weird suspicion that he's actually 35 and he's already gone through puberty. Sort of like Ralph Macchio in the Karate Kid. Remember that? He was 23 when he filmed Karate Kid and he easily looked 14. It was freaky. Even now he looks a lot younger than his 49 years. As far as Justin, I wonder what's gonna happen to that voice once he hits puberty? Will his career be over? Should be interesting.

Strangely, Justin signed a contract with R&B superstar Usher after his manager saw him on you tube. Now, Usher is grooming him to be an R&B/pop performer to the point where Ludricris was featured on one of his recent songs! Justin Beibers followers are called...are ya ready for this?....BELIBERS! I have to admit I had a nice laugh at hearing that one. Is anyone else surprised by this? Usher, lucked out here because this kid is becoming huge. I pray to God he doesn't become a bloated, unrecognizable mess in a few years from now while wigged out on presciption pain meds and cheap booze. Big lesson here for me as well, do something fabulous on you tube STAT and stop wasting your greatness in your apartment alone.

All this makes me wonder a bit, what the hell is going on with girls now? Why are their idols so girlish? I mean, we had Johnny Depp way back when during his "21 Jump Street" days and he was quite the lady back then but still, you knew he was a boy for sure. I realize that tweens are not gonna go for a guy who seems to be any kind of a threat with his masculinity or sexuality, they still need it to be all innocent and swoonish but this Beiber kid looks like he should be dating Taylor Lautner. Can't you picture Taylor Lautner dating her? I totally could. Miley Cyrus looks like she could be his mother for crying out loud. I don't know what's more maddening for me lately....being haunted by Miley Cyrus's "Party in the USA or Justin Beibers "One Less Lonely Girl". I actually like "One Less Lonely Girl". There, I said it. That is one sweet video, go over to youtube and watch it, seriously, it makes me feel young and hopeful again, props to the Beibster on that one.

Oh and in case you havn't seen it there is a really popular and hilarious video of a 3 year old little girl who is crying hysterically because she loves Justin Beiber so much. He actually surprised her on Jimmy Kimmel. Even my hardened heart thought this was adorable, especially the part where the phone rings and she thinks its him.







Was that not the cutest thing? It almost made him bearable for me.

Anyway, now that I've come across as a haggy, bitter old woman and criticized this child mercilessly, I guess I'll step down from my podium for the time being. Justin, not that you're reading this, but I hope you make me a fool and go on to do really great things. Stay away from drugs and loose women/men, DO NOT make any sex tapes of yourself or at least wait till you're a has been and use to it revive your sagging career. Oh and make sure you do a stint in drug rehab or better yet, sex rebab. Sex rehab is the new drug rehab, FYI. Everyone who's anyone is in sex rehab, has done it or is planning to do it. I really do hope for the best for you despite my vicious attack on ya. Even I can admit that some of your songs are...catchy. 'Nuff said.

PEACE OUT YO *Z gang sign Z*

Easter Reflections...

I was thinking today about Easter when I was little. I was a fat, awkward kid. This was back when chubbiness could be cute if you were a certain age. Easter was a major score for a fat kid like me. Next to Halloween, it was the best holiday in that large amounts of candy were not only OK, they were actually given to you by adults.

My mom used to sew and Easter time was a big thing for her. We were church goers and people dressed up at that time. She always used to make me an Easter dress every year. We would go and pick out the fabric and we would go to the sewing place and look at all the patterns. At the time, I wanted a "maxi" dress. This was all the rage at that time in the 70's. People wore "maxi" dresses and "maxi" coats. They were floor length. Think Maude/Bea Arthur. I had a few Bea Arthur-esque vests in my repertoire too and I really thought I was the shit. After the fabric and pattern was chosen my mother would pin it on me, doing her thing and then sew it all together on her machine. We'd go to the Buster Brown shop and I'd get my Easter shoes, usually white, and I was all set. One year, she took a ceramics class and she made me a ceramic Easter Basket. She was so proud of herself. That day she gave it to me I clumsily dropped it and it partially broke. She screamed at me and all the pictures from Easter that year are of me holding my broken Easter basket with big tears in my eyes and a nasty scowl. It makes me laugh now to look at that but at the time, oh what drama!

Now, looking back, how could I not have been fat? Food was such a huge thing for us. True I was a lot more active than a lot of kids now with no video games, no computer and playing outside and riding my bike daily but I loved my goodies and they were always around. We didn't even know what fat grams were at the time and there was no such thing as low fat anything. I don't blame my Mother at all, she had weight issues too and she joined weight watchers in the 70's when I was really young and she was successful, at losing a significant amount.

I remember her sitting at the living room coffee table at night while she watched TV with a grapefruit, peeling it slowly and eating segment by segment with her glass of Fresca. Remember Fresca? Do they still make it? She told me that Weight Watchers taught her that if you eat something that takes time to get to (like the peeling of the grapefruit) it seems like you are eating more and it occupies your hands when you are bored and wanting to eat. To this day, I try to do that with fruit(my blood oranges) when I have that restless "I wanna eat something" feeling. I try to pick something that takes a little effort to eat so it lasts longer and gives me something to do for a bit. She also used to have half a cantaloupe at night with a scoop of frozen iced milk in the center(that's what they called it at the time). That was a big treat for her too. She always tried to share with me what she learned but I wouldn't have it. I wasn't ready. Even in my 20's, I wasn't ready. She would sometimes make gentle comments about my weight when I would complain about it, she wanted to help and one day I turned to her and said, "do you think I will ever lose this weight?" She turned to me and softly said "of course you will, when you're ready". She was right.

It took me till I was 31 years old to be ready. That was the year after she died. I wonder why I waited so long? I'm sure there are a host of reasons but a big part of it was probably recognizing my own mortality and the fact that time was limited, I wasn't going to live forever and I wanted to enjoy my time here somewhat as a thin person. I also think I felt like it was time to say goodbye to the old me, the me who had experienced a lot of traumas and struggles and to stop hiding behind my fat. My fat was safe, I was non-threatening and not a risk taker. Nothing was expected of me. Or maybe I should say, I expected nothing of myself therefore no one else did either. Domino effect, no? After the weight loss I think it was no coincidence that I went back to school for a different career and got into the most serious relationship of my life. I finally began to LIVE. One day I looked in the mirror and all of a sudden, I realized that I was pretty. I just "became" pretty overnight. Of course this is not literally true, it is what happened in my head, through my own eyes. I saw the girl my mother always saw, the girl that was always there and after finally getting to the point where I learned to appreciate and like myself, everything about me changed, even my looks!

It's funny but someone actually told me today that she thought of me as a take charge kind of person who could handle anything. I don't feel like that at all but no one ever saw me like that when I was obese. I certainly didn't. Maybe it has nothing at all to do with that weight but more with who I became when I shed myself of it. I stopped apologizing for who I was and I have worked on becoming who I wanted to be. These are all things to really think about. They also lend truth to my thoughts that no one is fat because of their love for food, being fat is a "condition" that comes on related to whatever is going on in your life that makes you overeat. Essentially, "I came down fat" because I was completely stumped at how to cope with my traumas and stresses and food seemed to be the answer at the time. I blame no one, as a matter of fact, I thank God that I did not become a drug addict or an alcoholic. Food was the least of all evils considering the additions that ran rampant in my family.

Anyway, It's funny how 35 years later, I still vividly remember my Mother developing her healthy habits when at the time I don't remember thinking much of it. It made quite the impact on me and I wish she was still alive to tell her so. Another thing I'm realizing is that my relationship with my mother is still continuing and all that bullshit that people say when someone dies about the person never really leaving you is actually true. True, she is not here physically but I am constantly amazed at how things she said and did are still with me, traditions she taught me, advice she gave me...all of it. It's still here in my head so basically, she is still alive and well in my gray matter. I never ever believed this when people would say it to me, that a person lives on. I was too literal but now, after being without her for almost 15 years, I finally see what they meant. I still dream of her and actually have conversations with her and what a treasured treat that is. If you are a parent and reading this, do not underestimate the impact your habits and behaviors can have on your family/children. Even many years later after you are gone, you might be surprised at what sticks!

Happy Easter Everyone!