Love

Valentines day. My favorite day of the year. That statement was a joke of course. I hate
Valentines day really. Well, "hate" is a strong word, I don't give it that much notice, it just annoys me a bit. Not because I'm a bitter lonely heart or anything, but I hate being told that I should be loving by the restaurant/retail/greeting card/floral industries. Love and being loving should be inherent, not manufactured, but I guess it's harder for some of us than others.

My ex used to make me feel like Valentines day was everyday. I miss that. I never realized when we were together how loving he was compared to other men. He always made me feel special, pretty, cute, intelligent,funny, beautiful, loved. No one else has ever made me feel those things all together since him. Even now, when he looks at me I still see it in his eyes, that adoration and appreciation, respect and caring for me as a human being. I was crying thinking about it last night but then I realized that I was being silly, that I should be smiling that I had that. And that I am loved by a few wonderful people out there.

Tomorrow on Valentines day, I will be spending the day with a very special person. We will be shopping, eating and smoking that delicious hookah that I'm currently addicted to. Fun stuff. As the years have passed, I've come to realize that love comes in many different forms and there really is no one form that is more important or valued than another no matter what society tells us.

There is the love of a parent for a child. A friend for a friend. A family member for a family member. Even between co-workers from sharing experiences and spending so much time together. This might sound kooky (I am a bit kooky FYI, sue me) but as I get older I feel more love inside me than I have felt in the past. Maybe I'm more in tune with it or I'm more giving and open to it? There are people that I meet, who touch me in meaningful ways and I keep them in my thoughts and try to send positive feelings in their direction. It's nothing that they are even aware of, nothing that I broadcast or get kissy and demonstrative about. I just think to myself, "that is a good person, I hope they go through life protected and with as little pain and suffering as possible". To me, that is a sort of "love" for my fellow human being.


I just laughed at the thought of giving people who I feel love for those little Valentines that school kids give out to each other. Do they still do that? I remember that like it was yesterday. I was liked but I was the fat awkward girl. None of the cute boys gave me those little cards. If they did, there was always a hidden message that insulted me like a picture of a cute piglet or something. Kids can be so mean. Anyway, I just imagined giving those out to the people I have fond feelings for. Like my news stand guy. Super nice human being. Always smiling, always has a positive comment. If it's snowing badly he will say "ahhh, we've been lucky, this is not bad at all" or, "it is so beautiful, do you like the snow?" We always greet each other warmly with "hello my friend!" He even brought me back a bottle of perfume from Egypt after he went to visit family because I always complimented him on his scent when I bought my papers from him. Who does that? He did. And for that, I think he's just a kind hearted, considerate person who deserves good thoughts. I'd love to give him that little "I choo choo choose you!" valentine with the locomotive train on the front like I posted above, remember that one? Isn't it the cutest? Of course, being from another culture and country he would surely think I was 1.)insane 2.)coming on to him, and I do not want to go in either of those directions with my friend.

I just feel lucky to be loved period. When my mom was alive, she always gave me a Valentines day card and I her. It always made me feel special and lucky. I know I will never feel that kind of love again and honestly, I don't expect to. No one ever loves you like your mother and don't you forget that because she won't be around forever. I don't think I'm ever going to feel the way my great romantic love made me feel with anyone again relationship wise but that love was just the tip of the iceberg for me. If I do not experience it again, I'm OK with it. I'm trying to re frame this into being grateful that I did have that special, intimate love even if it wasn't forever. Maybe that's a gift that not everyone finds. I did find it so I can look back and say I know what it feels like and how happy it made me. And who knows, maybe someone will be brave enough to love me again like that and I them.

Do I sound wacky and new agey today? Maybe I do but I just wanted to express what this "holiday" made me think about. Guess it's not such a bad holiday after all if it provoked such thoughts eh?

Whatever you do tommorow I hope you enjoy yourself and reflect on the special people in your life, not just your romantic partner if you have one.

That's all for now.