Love

Valentines day. My favorite day of the year. That statement was a joke of course. I hate
Valentines day really. Well, "hate" is a strong word, I don't give it that much notice, it just annoys me a bit. Not because I'm a bitter lonely heart or anything, but I hate being told that I should be loving by the restaurant/retail/greeting card/floral industries. Love and being loving should be inherent, not manufactured, but I guess it's harder for some of us than others.

My ex used to make me feel like Valentines day was everyday. I miss that. I never realized when we were together how loving he was compared to other men. He always made me feel special, pretty, cute, intelligent,funny, beautiful, loved. No one else has ever made me feel those things all together since him. Even now, when he looks at me I still see it in his eyes, that adoration and appreciation, respect and caring for me as a human being. I was crying thinking about it last night but then I realized that I was being silly, that I should be smiling that I had that. And that I am loved by a few wonderful people out there.

Tomorrow on Valentines day, I will be spending the day with a very special person. We will be shopping, eating and smoking that delicious hookah that I'm currently addicted to. Fun stuff. As the years have passed, I've come to realize that love comes in many different forms and there really is no one form that is more important or valued than another no matter what society tells us.

There is the love of a parent for a child. A friend for a friend. A family member for a family member. Even between co-workers from sharing experiences and spending so much time together. This might sound kooky (I am a bit kooky FYI, sue me) but as I get older I feel more love inside me than I have felt in the past. Maybe I'm more in tune with it or I'm more giving and open to it? There are people that I meet, who touch me in meaningful ways and I keep them in my thoughts and try to send positive feelings in their direction. It's nothing that they are even aware of, nothing that I broadcast or get kissy and demonstrative about. I just think to myself, "that is a good person, I hope they go through life protected and with as little pain and suffering as possible". To me, that is a sort of "love" for my fellow human being.


I just laughed at the thought of giving people who I feel love for those little Valentines that school kids give out to each other. Do they still do that? I remember that like it was yesterday. I was liked but I was the fat awkward girl. None of the cute boys gave me those little cards. If they did, there was always a hidden message that insulted me like a picture of a cute piglet or something. Kids can be so mean. Anyway, I just imagined giving those out to the people I have fond feelings for. Like my news stand guy. Super nice human being. Always smiling, always has a positive comment. If it's snowing badly he will say "ahhh, we've been lucky, this is not bad at all" or, "it is so beautiful, do you like the snow?" We always greet each other warmly with "hello my friend!" He even brought me back a bottle of perfume from Egypt after he went to visit family because I always complimented him on his scent when I bought my papers from him. Who does that? He did. And for that, I think he's just a kind hearted, considerate person who deserves good thoughts. I'd love to give him that little "I choo choo choose you!" valentine with the locomotive train on the front like I posted above, remember that one? Isn't it the cutest? Of course, being from another culture and country he would surely think I was 1.)insane 2.)coming on to him, and I do not want to go in either of those directions with my friend.

I just feel lucky to be loved period. When my mom was alive, she always gave me a Valentines day card and I her. It always made me feel special and lucky. I know I will never feel that kind of love again and honestly, I don't expect to. No one ever loves you like your mother and don't you forget that because she won't be around forever. I don't think I'm ever going to feel the way my great romantic love made me feel with anyone again relationship wise but that love was just the tip of the iceberg for me. If I do not experience it again, I'm OK with it. I'm trying to re frame this into being grateful that I did have that special, intimate love even if it wasn't forever. Maybe that's a gift that not everyone finds. I did find it so I can look back and say I know what it feels like and how happy it made me. And who knows, maybe someone will be brave enough to love me again like that and I them.

Do I sound wacky and new agey today? Maybe I do but I just wanted to express what this "holiday" made me think about. Guess it's not such a bad holiday after all if it provoked such thoughts eh?

Whatever you do tommorow I hope you enjoy yourself and reflect on the special people in your life, not just your romantic partner if you have one.

That's all for now.

Bad boys bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

So it's been a pretty exciting couple of days here I must say. I am now convinced that the universe is telling me that my destiny lies in law enforcement or a relationship with a cop.

Yesterday, I was on my way to work, skipping up the subway steps running toward the turnstile to jump onto the train that I could hear above. As I made my leap into the station a cop yelled out "MISS STOP OVER HERE!" I was a little taken a back by that but I obeyed and did as I was told. It seems that I was chosen at random for a search in the......*cue to dramatic music* WAR ON TERROR. Yep, lil' ole me. My bag was rifled through, my laptop was scrutinized and then, then the fun part. I was patted down and in a really professional gesture, my hair was tousled. I made a comment to the guy who did that "I'm having a hard time believing that hair tousling is standard procedure." He smirked. That was my excitement for the day. Oh and BTW, my freaking Weight Watchers point finder calculator came under scrutiny and I had to explain what it was. As soon as the words "Weight Watchers" were uttered that guy looked at me like I was a crazy female on some crazy diet. I think that above all else, that erased any suspicions that I was a threat to our nations security. (Unless of course, Al Quada has "at work" meetings).

Everyone I mentioned it to asked me the same thing, "What did you do?" as if I actually did something suspicious to warrant the search. I didn't of course. I have been responding to that question with "I was guilty of being hot in the third degree". Here in NYC, cops can basically do whatever they fancy under the guise of protecting us from terror threats. I'm not complaining, I'd rather have them paying attention and all but it was kind of disruptive to be caught up in it a bit.

My cop theme continued today when I went to the Dr early this AM to find his office in complete disarray and everyone freaking out. Turns out, they had been robbed overnight and they just got there before me. I walked in and they told me what the situation was and within minutes guess who was buzzing the door? Yep, you got it. THE COPS. 4 of them this time, in full investigative mode. I sat there with another older lady waiting calmly for things to subside so we could have our appointments but I couldn't help being amused at it and the fact that this was my second experience with police in as many days. More of them arrived and at one point there were 8 of them milling about. The candy dish on the counter was a hot destination for them and one of them started chatting me up. Oh and by the way, I was pretty satisfied with myself that I did not turn to that candy dish for stress relief especially when the guy came in to dust for fingerprints. Thanks to my self control there, my crime ridden past shall remain a secret. Take that "Americas Most Wanted"/John Walsh.

Oh and ladies, let me tell you, this is a PERFECT example of why you should always wear a tad of makeup and make an effort when you're leaving the house. This really was one of those "you never know" situations. I was feeling pretty relieved that I had the sense to dab on some concealer and blush and gloss up my lips before I ran out. The best part was when the cute one who was flirting with me told me to lay down and play dead so they could make a chalk outline like on CSI, it was so romantic. Moments like this really are golden aren't they?


That's all for now :)

Yoo Hoo!

I know, I know...where have I been? I'm sorry, on the very off chance that you come here regularly to read I have been a bad blogger/person and not posting over the last week or so.....reasons why?

1.)I've been tired beyond belief AGAIN and worried that my stupid iron levels are falling. Going to the Dr tom to get checked out.

2.)I have another blog that I've been writing short entries on daily and I'm talked out. Yes, believe it or not, I'm talked out.

3.)I will be writing here this weekend and still love you all (if anyone even exists out there and is reading this).

4.)I have lost 12 pounds (so far, 10 more to go)and am trying to fulfill my prophecy to be a sexual goddess and it's taking me away from the computer more than I would like.

5.)I just had a baby.

6.)I just won the lotto.

7.)That is me to the right.

If you can guess which of these statements is untrue, you will win my undying respect and devotion. I may even change your diapers when you get old and need to wear them. Be good and see ya in a day or two! xoxoxo

A Tribute to Omar

I decided to become an Occupational Therapist after my mother passed away and I was trying to make sense of why I was here in this world and what my purpose was. It was at that time that I decided to make my existence matter in some small way. I wasn't blessed with material riches and I probably never will be. Frankly, while I wish I was more comfortable than I am it really doesn't matter to me as much as feeling right with myself and who I am as a human being matters. My job rewards me on a daily basis. Every night I feel like it was worth my getting out of bed and going out into the world. Helping others make sense of their situations really helps me make sense of mine so it's really a win/win thing for me. If I die poor materialistically but rich in spirit I will consider my life a great success.

I click with the adult population and that is who I treat but every once in a while I get a referral for a pediatric case and this is how I met little Omar. I always cringe when this happens. I am not a pediatric therapist and I'm really not a kid person. Did I say I am not a kid person? Yeah, I'm really not. I am an only child and my cousins were all much older than me. I never babysat, I've never really been around children a lot. I don't dislike them at all but I have no skills to call on when I'm around them.

The minute I met Omar, I was completely captivated. Enchanted. In love. I wish I took a picture of him so I could show you how adorable this boy was. He had the hugest sparkly brown eyes I've ever seen and his smile was infectious. Just looking at him made me happy. He and his family were Spanish speaking so I always had my translator Miguel with me when I visited Omar. Miguel was in love with him too. He used to just give him dollar bills to play with and keep. When Miguel would ask "are we going to see Omar today?" I knew it was serious love.

Omar's family was poor. They lived in a basement that looked as if it was meant for storage. The floors were concrete, it was chilly and damp but Omar's mother seemed to make it a home. This family was so poor, he didn't really have any toys. I had to buy some for him to play with so we could do our activities together. Even with all these hardships, there was more love and warmth in that home than any 5th avenue penthouse I've been in and I've been in quite a few. It was obvious that he was adored by his family. His brother and sister, Mother and Father. They all seemed to light up around him. Even the physical therapist who was on this case with me said to me "I have a son, and I think my son is cute but Omar, Omar is REALLY cute!"

Omar was the first child that ever made me think about having one of my own. I used to think about him and his struggle with his illness and his spunky little spirit when I complained about stupid things. No matter what he was going through he tried so hard to be "normal'. He would run to the door and open it for me when I rang the bell. He would play with me when I could tell he was tired. The entire time he laughed and smiled and lit up the room. He was a magical child. He was in and out of the hospital quite a bit but before Christmas he was improving and looked wonderful.

Today, Miguel and I were driving on his block and Miguel turned to me and said "I wonder how Omar is doing?" Just as he said this we came to the building and there was a large poster board written in Spanish. His picture was above the writing. I felt a surge of nausea when I realized what this was. Omar died last Friday night at the age of 4 of complications from a brain tumor. To say that I am heartbroken is an understatement. Miguel, tough Dominican man that he is, turned to me and we hugged and both broke out into uncontrollable sobs. I have never been affected by the death of one of my patients like this before and a lot of them have died on me. I've been to a lot of funerals and seen people come and go but this, this was something I have never experienced before. The rest of my day today was a haze. I don't even remember how many times I've cried and I'm still crying right now.

I thought a lot about all of this and speculated in circles to try and make sense of it. There is no making sense of something like this. One of my patients who is in her 80's told me she wanted to die and has had enough and I kept thinking to myself, how unfair is it that this beautiful child was taken and someone who doesn't want to be here and has lived a long life is still hanging on. No ones life has more value than another, we simply can't pick and choose who stays and who goes nor should we be able to but it's such a hard thing to take and I'm having trouble processing this one. All the platitudes like "he's in a better place" etc etc are making me very angry right now. If I feel this devastated I cannot even begin to imagine how his mother must feel. I wanted to go to his funeral tonight but I knew better than to do it. Just thinking of him makes me lose control, I cannot imagine seeing his tiny lifeless body and how that would impact me. The thing is, I am sure that his family will take this like most faith based Latin families I have dealt with along with way. They will go through a terrible time but they will call on their faith and trust that their Omar was needed by God and he was too good for this world. They will always have a seven day candle burning with his picture nearby, his favorite things around and his favorite drink on the table. That will be a constant till that day his mother leaves this world herself. She'll probably never pop a pill to cope, she will more than likely pray and devote herself to her remaining children and her husband. Sure, I'm speculating but in her I saw a selflessness and a dedication to her family and her God and that is what fulfilled her. She had her purpose and was happy with it.

Seeing how these people live and their love for one another despite their struggle to survive and make a place for themselves made me remember my own rocky childhood. My mother went through a lot but she managed to create stability and teach me so much. I don't think a lot of parents do these things anymore like they should. Families rarely eat together anymore, so many people never learn to respect others and they are so self centered it amazes me. I was forced by my Mother to do volunteer work. I was pissed at the time but I grew to love it and it really shaped who I am today. Even though I'm sitting here typing on one I think as wonderful and essential as computers are they have created the death of many real life social interactions and activities. People seem to be turning inward more and more and relying on pills and e-relationships and it's really sad and creepy to me.

I'm trying to see a lesson in this and it's really hard but right now I'm realizing that this little angels life had such great value in the short time he was here. He taught everyone who came into contact with him very valuable lessons. He showed me that wisdom and courage can come in very small packages and that life should be appreciated for the gift that it is because it is a waste to give into unhappiness and negativity. Why do that when life can end at any moment? It's too precious to take for granted. Knowing Omar has changed me for the better. I thought of him before today quite a bit and now I will continue to think of him and the graceful way he lived his young life and the priceless lessons he taught me and everyone who came into contact with him.

Rest in peace Omar xoxoxoxox


That's all for now