Yays and Nays

Today was quite the day. For some reason I was highly annoyed quite a bit. And NO Aunt Flo isn't visiting for any sexist jerks out there theorizing on why I might be extra bitchy today.

I think I'm just going to make a list of the annoying things and balance them with some good ones so I don't come off as a totally miserable shrew.

Realize,this is a purely self-indulgent, cathartic, venting type of exercize for me so you might want to skip this entry if you have a low tolerance for bitching.


The Sour:

1.)People who walk in front of me on the street or in the subway in a meandering, zig-zag fashion. WTF people? To the left to the left? To the right to the right? MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

2.)In a related gripe, people who STOP dead at the top of an escalator. When I am behind them. And that vicious machine is still angrily cranking it's evil, gnashing metal stairs rapidly along. Get the pic?

3.) The existence of Twitter. I don't care what you had for lunch. I don't care about your new shoes. I don't care about the douchebag move your neighbor pulled. Please stop it. Stop it right now. Just stop. Okay? Please?


4.)John and Kate plus 8. COME ON. For the love of all that is holy, why am I being bombarded with the lurid details of their daily existence? I have never watched their show. I refuse to. I hate these people. Well, maybe not the kidlets, they don't deserve my fury but Mom and Dad suck ballz. How did they land a show? Why are they referred to as a "celeb" couple? This just infuriates me. It is indicative of everything that is wrong in the world. If this show is renewed for another season...well, then we have finally let the terrorists win haven't we?

5.) Insincere people. Confused People. People who say one thing and mean another and think I'm a mind reader. People who lack the ability to view others as thinking, feeling individuals just like them. People who do not live by the principle of treating others as they wish to be treated. It's so simple isn't it?

6.)Lara Spencer on The Insider. You know her, that skinny blond on that stupid Entertainment Tonight rip off show. I loathe this woman. I used to love her when she was on channel 7 here in NYC as a human interest segment reporter. Now she is a vapid fool. One minute she talks about David Carradine's death, the next she's telling you all about her outfit and her accessories and where to get them. I would love to slap her silly and ask her what happened to her since she moved to Hollywood.


7.) Passive aggressive psycho boss who tells me how amazinglyfabulous I am and then screams at me for something I had absolutely nothing to do with. Then hangs up on me without listening to me explain. Then figures out she wrongly chewed my face off. Then does not bother to apologize. Watch out for the fish bones beeatch, they're gonna get you eventually.


The Sweet:

1.)A patients wife giving me a glass of homemade lemonade today. Then she hugged me and told me she loved me. Then I watched her change her severely impaired husbands diaper and feed him lunch. And smile and cuddle him through the entire ordeal. If she was a man I would kidnap her and marry her. Hell, maybe I still will. Vermont is only a state away.

2.) The existence of Simon Baker. Don't like blonds per se. Am a bit confused by this but think of him occasionally in a day dreamy way and actually smile.

3.) My home cooked dinner of chicken curry stew. Take an onion, few cloves of garlic, bit of oil. Let it go for a bit. Add a tsp of GOOD curry powder, tsp of cumin and 2 tsp coriander. Few shakes of sriracha sauce. salt to taste. Let it get toasty. Now add about 10 to 12 skinless chicken drummettes. Now dump in a 16 ounce can of tomato sauce. Maybe a 1/2 can water. Now add a pound of chunked up carrots. Cover and let it go. for like an hour. Take the chicken out. Add about 4 zucchinis cut up roughly. Let it go for maybe 15 to 20 min. Add the chicken back to the pot. Stir in 1/4 cup greek yogurt. NOT the sissy yogurt, the manly greek stuff. Lastly add 2 Tablespoon peanut butter. That's it. YUMMO. Eat over Jasmine or Basmati rice and send me fan letters.

4.)The existence of Bacon. I thought about Bacon today and I smiled and felt warmly inside. Yes, it's capitalized and I know it and it always should be. If I could be intimate with a food, it would be Bacon. I would not fuck Bacon. I would make sweet love to Bacon. And you all know how I feel about that phrase "make love". It grosses me out like nothing else but with Bacon, I would fully realize that "making love" really does exist. I would marry Bacon. I'm tearing up just thinking of how happy Bacon and I would be together. Till the end of our lives, forever and ever. No judging, no worries or disappointments ever. Wait, where was I? Oh right, blog entry...*ahem, cough cough*

5.) A text I got today from my ex. This is a man who talks about poop with me and forays it into a reasonably intelligent conversation. It was a picture of a donut. It went like this:

Him: *insert donut pic*

Me: ?????

Him: I just ate a donut

Me: Ahhh, it was that simple


THE END. That interaction was the most satisfying one I had all day. It made me laugh. It made me smile. It made me feel understood in a strange way.


That's all for now :)

Busted at Rite Aid

Hey kids!! Is anyone still out there? I know, I know, I have been a very bad blogger person just dropping off the face of the earth like I have. To be honest with you, I always felt like no one reads my babble anyway until someone actually wrote to me and asked what was up and why I hadn't written in ages. If I had been wearing bloomers they would have blown right off of me from the shock of that one.(Just wanted to give you the visual of the fuss in bloomers, see what you get for checking in? That should fix your wagon!)

Anyway, I'm not going to torture you with the details of my personal trials and tribulations suffice to say, I have had quite a few tribulations over the past few months!The most shocking one is......I started dating! YES!! QUELLE HORREUR! That's right, every Saturday night for a bit, the Fuss opened up her parlour to gentlemen callers over chitchat, lemonade and tea cookies. Being courted is quite the second job I must say. I have learned that men are quite the species, as if I didn't know it before. My biggest conclusion? Womenless men are a lonely bunch whereas menless women are a carefree fun loving bunch. Of course I'm generalizing big time but I just had to say it because it was a major thing I noticed. I think women have friendships that sustain us in more fulfilling ways than men do. I can honestly say that I do not get lonely. The only time I have ever been lonely is when I miss my dear sweet mother (and this is a continuing theme in my life since losing her that I have learned to accept and live with now even though I hate it and it hurts me deeply). Other than missing her I do not feel loneliness at all. My Girlfriends ( and a few good man friends too) really never let me. Men, well, it appears that for many of them the woman in their life is their best friend......I'll just leave it at that and get on with the major thing to report at hand.........

OK, I have been doing weight watchers AGAIN for the 100Th time in my life. Thank God I am not too far gone, I have maybe 10 to lose at this point but I have lost about 15 so far. So I go to a meeting every Monday night. At the meeting, I am weighed by a wonderfully supportive guy named Vince. Vince lost 150 lbs. He is a SUPAH STAH. NO no one is better than Vince. So I had a really bad week last week. I mean bad. I was PMSing and belligerent like you would not believe. I must have said "fuck" and "shit" like 645 times in one day and I cried probably twice at absolutely nothing. I actually broke down into an intense sobbing fit over a bowl of meatballs. So I went into Rite Aid (drugstore) to buy toothpaste and soap and lo and behold there it was. THE EASTER CANDY DISPLAY. AWWWWW YEAH! Devil on one shoulder, angel on the other. Devil won. I waddled off to the counter with my bag 'o chocolate and guess who was walking right toward me? VINCE. THE WEIGHT WATCHER GUY WHO WEIGHS ME. I can imagine an alcoholic might feel this intense shame when exiting a liquor store and running into their AA sponsor in the street. Vince smiled and looked at me and simply said...Hey, how ya doing? What's up? I played it cool and just quipped..."oh hey Vince, good to see ya, nothing much, been real busy with work, sorry I missed the meeting last night". He just smiled back and said.."OK, see you next week?"...."Oh sure!" said I, the disgraced fatty.

So you would think I learned my lesson right? The divine being put Vince in my path and that should have made me re-think emotional eating, right? HELLZ NAH! I proceeded to eat 6 small coconut cream eggs and then...the next day my co-worker got me a HUGE Cuban sandwich and a bag of cheetos and I got down and dirty with those too. Came home, it was all a blur and I just passed out into a food coma. The grand total for that....up 4 pounds. Put that in your pipe and smoke it Valerie Bertinelli. I am just right now back at my pre PMS binge weight after eating clean and drinking tons of tea at night instead of snacking. Incidentally, Teavana teas are just the most enjoyable teas. And I hate tea but these are so satisfying. So that's all I got for ya right now but coming up, I will be doing my long promised Bacon (should always be capitalized, talking to Obama about making it a law) review. I have tried many and would like to share my faves with you.

I also want to say thank you to anyone who reads my random babble and tell you that I appreciate your time and kindness. If there was any chocolate left here I would send you some right now. That's all for now! :)

Gratitude

This week we will be celebrating Thanksgiving and that usually makes me take stock of the things I am grateful for. It's a shame that this holiday has basically become known as a national day of over eating because it was intended to be something so much more. This year has been one of the worst years of my entire life which makes the following exercise particularly therapeutic. Tonight, I am going to try and come up with a top 10 list of sorts. Gratitude is something that is often lacking in me when I become too caught up in the daily grind and the sometimes Herculean effort of just surviving in today's world. It is something that I am consciously making an effort to be more in touch with. I have found that the more in touch I am with what I am grateful for, the less I want or need and that is a beautiful thing! I highly recommend that everyone reading this take your own self survey and focus on the wonderful things in your own life as well.

1.) FRIENDS. My God am I blessed. I never realized how much till a crisis this year that really tested my metal. You know you are truly cared about when you get phone calls at all hours just checking up on you because you are too distraught to make calls or reach out yourself. I never really thought that anyone would care if I was seriously in trouble ,but I was wrong. From the healing gemstones I got in the mail to the cards and long conversations,to the dinners and thoughtful gifts I really don't know what to say so I'll leave it at that. I only hope that I am half as good to those who have been watching over me this year during my difficult times.

2.) My health. Even though I am facing a possible surgery, I am relatively healthy and strong and manage to go out into the world everyday and perform a physically demanding job. I look around on a daily basis at those less fortunate than me, and I am thankful for my physical well being.

3.) A job that I love and the opportunity to make very human connections with a diverse group of people on a daily basis. When I put my head on my pillow every night I rest knowing that I served a purpose and helped make another person's life more comfortable for this day.

4.)A place to live in a neighborhood/city that I love with affordable rent and a very nice landlord.

5.)An abundance of "things". All the perfume and makeup a woman could ever want. I have been concentrating on enjoying what I have and in that, I have stopped searching and buying. I realized that spending money on things I already have is counterproductive to the life I want to live and the goals I want to achieve. I'm still a girl who enjoys girly things but I am a more satisfied person lately

6.)Trader Joe's. You didn't think this was all going to be serious did you? Trader Joe's is heaven on earth! I wish there could be one in every town on earth. If it was down the block from me I would be in there on a daily basis.

7. Fashionable down coats. Gone are the days of those icky,manly Columbia down coats. Now, I have about 4 down coats that are totally high fashion, fitted, super stylish and really flattering. And they keep me really toasty while looking good.

8.)A BFF who works in a high end NYC Dept store who offered me his discount when shopping. This will come in handy with the colder weather coming and my lack of snow boots.

9.)A hairdresser who completely understands me and my mop and has made me look the best I ever have in my entire life with his magic hands. My recent haircut was the best ever, I pray that this man never ever retires or leaves me! I wish this for women everywhere on earth!

10.) The existence of BACON. Seriously. I know it sounds crazy but bacon makes me so deliriously happy that it's just unbelievable. It's like some strange sort of drug for me. I rarely eat meat ever but bacon, well, bacon is just MAGIC. Oh and since I'm thinking of foodstuffs.... Champagne and truffle salt. I am at # 10 so I can't make another number for these but I just had to add them. On Champagne, the bubbles, the scent, the tickling on the back of my throat and the sound of the cork popping. It's a sensory treat in every way! And truffle salt ,well, I realize that this makes me sound like a really out of touch elite snob but really, this stuff is just the most amazing thing I've tasted in a very long time. It is the salt God puts on his food, I am nearly sure of this. I tried it years ago and I guess I was not as open as I am now to different flavors. I was at Zabars a few weeks ago and was overcome with the urge to buy a small 3 ounce jar of it for the whopping sum of $19 (!!!!). FOR SALT. Yes, I questioned my sanity at the time but since cracking it open it has graced vegetables, meat, salad,pasta,risotto, popcorn, eggs....just about everything and it is the most fabulous rich delicious flavor on earth! Highly recommend and actually worth every penny as there is just nothing else like this flavor wise out there and it adds no fat to your food at all!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone reading this! :)

Dental Details and Bacon Love

As you can see, I went to the dentist today. It was AWESOME. The hygienist drove me crazy, she did not shut up throughout my entire visit. I actually felt like crying at one point from the stress of having to talk to her with my mouth half open. At one point, a spider landed on me and she batted it off screaming like a banshee. The rest of the time she was nervously looking around the room for the escaped spider while I sat there in that helpless position with the air hose sucking up my saliva and my mouth propped open like a beckoning invitation to that wayward insect.

I've got nothing for ya right now. I am obviously in a horribly foul bitchay mood right now. You know when every living thing annoys you? I am so there. Like "want to jump out of my skin" there. Did I mention that I've been getting really strange calls from David Duchovny lately too? I have no idea what that's all about. I actually bought a lottery ticket today so I would have hope for just a few hours till the drawing. Frankly, the way I feel right now....were I to win, I would just disappear off the face of civilization. I would run off and isolate like a weird reclusive Howard Hughs-esque freak. I would eat Bacon everyday, I would ban the phrase "hockey mom", I would wear obscenely expensive diamond teardrop earrings everyday and I would invent some incomprehensible and seriously flawed new self help theory that would make Oprah my disciple and the rest would be history.

Actually, speaking of Bacon (this word should always be capitalized in my opinion), I have decided to swear off men for the rest of my life and to replace them with Bacon. Bacon actually has met my needs over the years better than any man I have ever had a relationship with. It's always enjoyable, it makes any situation better, it sizzles if I want it to, it satisfies me 100% of the time. I never eat a piece of Bacon and feel lacking afterwards. Even cheap supermarket Bacon. There is simply no such thing as bad bacon. I am nearly a vegetarian but the one thing I will not surrender is my Bacon. I don't want to hear horror stories about the way it is obtained, please just let me have my Bacon. I've got nothing left at this point except my Bacon. Give me Bacon or give me death. Once, I was at this chi chi gourmet store called Dean and Deluca and they had this fancy Bacon from Ct, from a special smokehouse. It was "peppered" bacon. Huge thick slices that got a crispy pepper crust and made really really heavenly blt's. Anyway.....the day I bought it, some wonderful person had mismarked the packages to be priced at $1 instead of $10 each. I bought 6 glorious pounds of that bacon that day. It was the best day of my life, better than the day I met my ex-BF. My very favorite bacon in the world though (and I've tried a lot) is from Harringtons in Vermont. It is Cob smoked....it is faaaaabulous. I always buy at least 4 lbs when I am there. If I smoked I would need a cigarette after eating that Bacon, it's THAT good. .......sorry for the Bacon tangent there, just talking about it put me in a better mood. Ahhhhhh.

Stay tuned for my review of Friday nights "Dirty Papers"......you'll have to take a peek to find out what that's about!!!

That's all for now :)