If Ya Think I'm Sexy And Ya Want My Body, Come On Sugah Let Me Know!

Behold, the strangest "sexy" picture of a celebrity I have ever seen. Spotted on another website I cannot believe David Duchovny ever approved this shot. First of all, he looks like he is wearing a diaper and second of all he looks like he is trying to give off a "baby" vibe which totally grosses me out. Quite possibly the most "unsexy" picture of a man in his underwear I have ever seen. WHAT WAS HE THINKING? *shivers*

Dental Details and Bacon Love

As you can see, I went to the dentist today. It was AWESOME. The hygienist drove me crazy, she did not shut up throughout my entire visit. I actually felt like crying at one point from the stress of having to talk to her with my mouth half open. At one point, a spider landed on me and she batted it off screaming like a banshee. The rest of the time she was nervously looking around the room for the escaped spider while I sat there in that helpless position with the air hose sucking up my saliva and my mouth propped open like a beckoning invitation to that wayward insect.

I've got nothing for ya right now. I am obviously in a horribly foul bitchay mood right now. You know when every living thing annoys you? I am so there. Like "want to jump out of my skin" there. Did I mention that I've been getting really strange calls from David Duchovny lately too? I have no idea what that's all about. I actually bought a lottery ticket today so I would have hope for just a few hours till the drawing. Frankly, the way I feel right now....were I to win, I would just disappear off the face of civilization. I would run off and isolate like a weird reclusive Howard Hughs-esque freak. I would eat Bacon everyday, I would ban the phrase "hockey mom", I would wear obscenely expensive diamond teardrop earrings everyday and I would invent some incomprehensible and seriously flawed new self help theory that would make Oprah my disciple and the rest would be history.

Actually, speaking of Bacon (this word should always be capitalized in my opinion), I have decided to swear off men for the rest of my life and to replace them with Bacon. Bacon actually has met my needs over the years better than any man I have ever had a relationship with. It's always enjoyable, it makes any situation better, it sizzles if I want it to, it satisfies me 100% of the time. I never eat a piece of Bacon and feel lacking afterwards. Even cheap supermarket Bacon. There is simply no such thing as bad bacon. I am nearly a vegetarian but the one thing I will not surrender is my Bacon. I don't want to hear horror stories about the way it is obtained, please just let me have my Bacon. I've got nothing left at this point except my Bacon. Give me Bacon or give me death. Once, I was at this chi chi gourmet store called Dean and Deluca and they had this fancy Bacon from Ct, from a special smokehouse. It was "peppered" bacon. Huge thick slices that got a crispy pepper crust and made really really heavenly blt's. Anyway.....the day I bought it, some wonderful person had mismarked the packages to be priced at $1 instead of $10 each. I bought 6 glorious pounds of that bacon that day. It was the best day of my life, better than the day I met my ex-BF. My very favorite bacon in the world though (and I've tried a lot) is from Harringtons in Vermont. It is Cob smoked....it is faaaaabulous. I always buy at least 4 lbs when I am there. If I smoked I would need a cigarette after eating that Bacon, it's THAT good. .......sorry for the Bacon tangent there, just talking about it put me in a better mood. Ahhhhhh.

Stay tuned for my review of Friday nights "Dirty Papers"......you'll have to take a peek to find out what that's about!!!

That's all for now :)

David Duchovny, Cheating Bastard

Why hello there. You're looking awfully beautiful tonite. What's that you ask? Come closer my dear, I want to smell your scent and take you in. Would you like a glass of champagne to loosen up a bit? Oh, yes, I do enjoy posing nude in really awkward positions, it's one of my guilty pleasures. Before we get down to business here, I think I should tell you that I just entered a $40,000 rehab program called "The Meadows" in Arizona. No, I'm not on drugs. No I don't have an alcohol problem. Actually I love to cheat on my wife. I get a kick out of it. I've done it many times over the years and she has finally had it with me and that is why I

am at this rehab place.

Ever since my career hit the skids post X Files, cheating has provided me with that ego boost that I used to get from being a well known celebrity. Yeah, I have two small kids but I just couldn't help myself. Thank God someone came up with this ridiculous "Sex Addict" label or my marriage would be over! Phew! There is even an "expert" who says that as a sex addict, I am powerless, yes, powerless at controlling my urges! Can you believe it? Have I lucked out or what? This "expert" also said that (and I quote her) " a sex addict needs it, must have it, no matter with whom". I think I'm going to call up this expert and ask her what she's doing for lunch next week when I am out of this "rehab" place. She sounds pretty hot.

Oh yeah, there is also a story in the news as of today that there is actually a "cheating gene" found in men! Medical researchers actually spent their time finding this thing! Holy Shit! This is like Christmas, my Birthday and the Superbowl all at once! Finally! I don't have to own up to my shitty, selfish decisions!!! I CAN'T HELP IT!! The news and a sex/relationship expert says so! Do you realize what all of this means?? Well, the next time I cheat, and I will, it will be called ........A RELAPSE!! Somebody pinch me. I must be dreaming.

I am also trying to get my therapist to write me a note to take home to my wife that will justify my inability to pick up my dirty socks and underwear and take out the garbage. I have learned that my resistance to doing these things goes way back to my childhood when my mother used to withhold affection from me till I finished my chores. To this day, it is extremely painful for me to touch my underwear once it has dropped to the floor. Taking out the garbage sends me into hysterics and I never understood why till today. Isn't it great having an annoying , selfish quality that can be labeled as a mental illness or trauma related?

But enough about me. What about you? Lets slide into this nice warm Jacuzzi and just cuddle. What do you say? Did I ever tell you about this show I used to be on?