Of course the title to this entry is sarcasm, I hope you know that. I'm not a self proclaimed sage. I know it's been a while, I've just had nothing that you'd probably want to hear to say. And I'm still in the same "nothing to say" state but I felt like writing a bit on this scorchingly hot Sunday.
It is disgusting out, we're talking 105 degrees and 100% humidity, true story. I am not exaggerating. I am constantly cranky as any normal person would be if they were constantly sweating and struggling to breathe. Who on earth enjoys this? If you do you are a sick bastard who is going to end up in hell. The weather there is perfect for you. Last week there was one day where I was walking around in this while working and I became confused, crampy and dizzy. I was definitely drinking enough and trying to not exert myself but it was just brutal out there. My co-worker came to get me and basically did my job for me while I sat down and drank more water and rested. I ended up coming home and just laying down till the next AM. But enough of this.....suffice to say, it is hell on earth here right now and I am sitting in an air conditioned room with no intention to leave it till I have to tomorrow.
This brings me to what I feel like talking about today. I'm gonna warn ya,. It's not a laugh riot but I have just been feeling introspective lately. Next Saturday, July 31, will be the 15th anniversary of my mom's death. This time of year is always very difficult for me. Even if I do not feel outwardly weird about it, the universe has strange ways of reminding me of the yearly cycle that all of this rotates on.
Fifteen years is a long time really. You would think that by now I would be past certain things. But I'm not. And I realize that I never will be. And for the first time this year, I am accepting of it and OK with it, even the bad parts of it. Something jarring happened last week and I'll tell you what. I was in the shower after a hot day . There I was just enjoying the cool water and trying to relax my mind when BANG. I had my eyes closed and was washing the back of my neck when I saw a horrible vision of my Mom dying on my shoulder. It was as if I was back at that time again and it was literally happening for real. It was so vivid. My reality is....my Mom actually did die on my shoulder as I drove her to her Dr appt. So in this vision I was in the car, the AC was blasting just as it really was that day and there was my Mom on my shoulder and I was in shock and screaming. My shower vision was very brief, but it was so intense it nearly knocked me over. I became short of breath, I gasped, I burst out crying and doubled over in pain from the shock of that quaint little home movie that came out of the recesses of my brain to kick me in the gut.
I got out of the shower and curled into a ball in my bed and just let it all out of my system. I figured that it was natures fucked up way of reminding me that July 31 was around the corner. As I recovered from that, I got a phone call and to be honest, I really did not want to talk about it. The person I was speaking to knew something was wrong with me and probed till I admitted what had happened. Much to my surprise, he was able to show me a different perspective and it has stuck with me since that discussion. He remarked that he believed that sometimes when things like that happen, it is that persons way of trying to touch you on the shoulder and remind you that they are still thinking of you and love you. While it is upsetting and jarring, it is sometimes the only way they can establish contact with us. He also stated that for him, he has similar things happen now and then but only when he is in the shower. This made me think and I realized that yes, a lot of the time when I have these upsetting thoughts I'm in the shower. He commented that he sometimes thinks that water is a passageway or a vehicle for the other side to get through to us. Is this true? No. Yes. Maybe? Who knows, but it really made me think about this in a very different way and I am going to hold on to this perspective and consider it.
Yesterday, I received a perfume sample in the mail from my BFF. It was a very rare perfume that was my Mothers favorite. My friend sent it to me as a comforting gesture, as a way of letting me have that little part of my mom to enjoy again. This warmed my heart so and made me feel blessed to have someone so sensitive and caring in my life. The minute I uncorked that perfume vial I was transported back to 1972 and the house where I was raised. There I was in that little spot where I would perch myself and study her as she got ready to go out for the evening. I would sit and watch my Mother in fascination as she fixed her hair, applied her eyeliner, brow pencil, and liquid makeup. I can even still see the actual products she used if I concentrate hard enough. I remember the way she would put on a pretty lipstick to brighten her face and then a few spritzes of that perfume to finish. And then she was off. It's funny how a scent can transport you like that isn't it? But for me, it did. For a few minutes, I was seven again and my Mom was the most glamorous, beautiful smelling woman on earth.
So today I am sitting here smelling that perfume vial, feeling blessed that I had such a mother and that I have such people now who recognize that part of my past and who I am.
An interesting addendum to recent events is one of the most touching and encouraging emails I have ever received. My Dr is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. He is knowledgeable, gentle, smart, witty, kind hearted and loving to a fault. He is also creative and a true artist. He asked to see samples of my writing. I felt a bit embarrassed with some of the rambling drivel I go on about, but I tried to dig up some remotely interesting things and sent them to him. He previously had a musical/play off Broadway and is now working on a movie. He read my thoughts and now wants to meet with me to discuss my "talent". Me? Talent? I make a mean brownie but other than that I never felt like I had any notable talents. The most truly amazing part of this were his closing words when he stated "if your father was alive today I am sure he would tell you that he is proud of you, and so am I".
Isn't it funny how if you are really paying attention and put yourself out there in the world the universe brings you such affirming experiences and helps you hear and learn what you need to at the very time you need to?
That's all for now....thanks for listening to this one..I know it wasn't easy! :)
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