................................and I'm still not "used" to it. Mom's day. This July 31 it will be 16 years since my Mom left me. It was a scorchingly hot day. She collapsed on me while I was driving her to the Dr. She was my best friend. She was my everything. The blurry picture above pretty much sums it up. She had my back. Always. Even in my worst moments.
My Dad passed away when I was 5. I had a sister who died too as a baby. So it was always just me and Ma. She was an incredible woman. she lost both her own parents by the age of 16, she battled alcoholism, weight issues, depression....but she really managed all those things pretty damned effectively and got a grip on all of them. She lost about 75 lbs when I was a kid. She got sober and pretty much stayed that way for a large portion of her life and because of that I learned the 12 steps as a child and I still think of them when my life gets messy and I need something to ground me. I also battle weight and managed to lose a significant amount the year after she died and I've stayed committed to a healthy lifestyle. A large part of my success with managing my weight is also because of the things she taught me about it as well. As far as depression, she was never diagnosed with it but I now see that she probably had it. She was a melancholy person at times. She had reason to be since she really had a lot of loss in her life but she managed to make a pretty good life for her and I and while we butted heads a lot I really respected her more then she ever know. I really wish I could tell her face to face how incredible I think she is.
I miss her smile, her warm face, her laugh, her understanding arms around me, her non judgy way of listening to me, her stories about the way things were when she was a child in the 1920's and 30's. She had me late in life and she was the age of a lot of my friends grandparents but no one ever knew her age because she was so energetic and she used to say that I kept her young. I really really miss knowing that there was one person in this world who didn't care what I said or did, who loved me unconditionally and saw who I really was inside and loved that "me" despite my many flaws. No one ever loves you like you Mother. Once she's gone, you will never have that kind of love again. Losing her changed me forever. I am a different person than I was when he was here with me. Over these years, I've had to become my own Mother and learn how to nurture myself. I've also realized that I need a nurturing sort of man to help take some of the burden off my self mothering.
The sharp pain of losing her isn't there anymore but it's been replaced by a dull ache, a longing that never goes away. She was an imperfect being like all of us but her imperfections and the way she handled them made such a huge impact on me, even more so than if she had been totally together and not had the problems she did. The older I get, the more the bad things make sense to me now. The struggles she and I faced together were practice sessions for me as an adult. I think I learned a lot back then and I didn't even realize it. I am so grateful to my Mother for being my Mother and I will miss her and ache for her for the rest of my days on this earth.
To everyone who has a living mother, tell her how you feel about her. If you have a bad relationship with her, try to at least be grateful for her being a vehicle for you getting to be here. to everyone who does not have a living Mother, I hope your memories of her comfort you on this Mothers day and I wish you a peaceful day :)
My Dad passed away when I was 5. I had a sister who died too as a baby. So it was always just me and Ma. She was an incredible woman. she lost both her own parents by the age of 16, she battled alcoholism, weight issues, depression....but she really managed all those things pretty damned effectively and got a grip on all of them. She lost about 75 lbs when I was a kid. She got sober and pretty much stayed that way for a large portion of her life and because of that I learned the 12 steps as a child and I still think of them when my life gets messy and I need something to ground me. I also battle weight and managed to lose a significant amount the year after she died and I've stayed committed to a healthy lifestyle. A large part of my success with managing my weight is also because of the things she taught me about it as well. As far as depression, she was never diagnosed with it but I now see that she probably had it. She was a melancholy person at times. She had reason to be since she really had a lot of loss in her life but she managed to make a pretty good life for her and I and while we butted heads a lot I really respected her more then she ever know. I really wish I could tell her face to face how incredible I think she is.
I miss her smile, her warm face, her laugh, her understanding arms around me, her non judgy way of listening to me, her stories about the way things were when she was a child in the 1920's and 30's. She had me late in life and she was the age of a lot of my friends grandparents but no one ever knew her age because she was so energetic and she used to say that I kept her young. I really really miss knowing that there was one person in this world who didn't care what I said or did, who loved me unconditionally and saw who I really was inside and loved that "me" despite my many flaws. No one ever loves you like you Mother. Once she's gone, you will never have that kind of love again. Losing her changed me forever. I am a different person than I was when he was here with me. Over these years, I've had to become my own Mother and learn how to nurture myself. I've also realized that I need a nurturing sort of man to help take some of the burden off my self mothering.
The sharp pain of losing her isn't there anymore but it's been replaced by a dull ache, a longing that never goes away. She was an imperfect being like all of us but her imperfections and the way she handled them made such a huge impact on me, even more so than if she had been totally together and not had the problems she did. The older I get, the more the bad things make sense to me now. The struggles she and I faced together were practice sessions for me as an adult. I think I learned a lot back then and I didn't even realize it. I am so grateful to my Mother for being my Mother and I will miss her and ache for her for the rest of my days on this earth.
To everyone who has a living mother, tell her how you feel about her. If you have a bad relationship with her, try to at least be grateful for her being a vehicle for you getting to be here. to everyone who does not have a living Mother, I hope your memories of her comfort you on this Mothers day and I wish you a peaceful day :)
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