Today is Fathers day. I had a Daddy till I was 5. He died unexpectedly. He was driving home from work on Good Friday to pick up my Mother and I. We were going to travel upstate to spend the Easter holiday with her sister and family. He never made it home. Heart attack. I do not remember it. I was so little, I only remember seeing him in the coffin and smelling carnations. To this day, carnations and Ave Maria are triggers that make me cry uncontrollably.
Before that day, I was the most loved little girl on earth. I do recall my Mom's issues, even at 5 I knew she had problems but my Dad was another story entirely. Even now, people who knew him tell me how wonderful he was. And my Aunt prefaces stories about him by saying "I'm not just saying this because I feel sorry for you, you're father really was the most special man I ever met". I never know whether to feel really good about this, or horribly cheated. I do remember opening a drawer that I was not supposed to be opening as a child and finding mementos from the funeral, cards, etc, and his personal effects. I used to go through his wallet and see all the pictures he had of me. I was his little princess. It is obvious from looking at that wallet how loved I was. I loved touching his razor and shaving items. It made him seem more real to me.
Even though it was nearly 40 years ago, I can vividly remember sitting on a "flying saucer" (an old skool sled) and him pushing me down a snowbank. It seemed HUGE! In reality in was a pile of snow next to a curb here in NYC. I was so tiny it seemed like a mountain. I felt safe with him and so happy. I can remember my Birthday when I was 3. I remember having a batman doll on the table and a spider man design on the cake. I was so excited. The cake seemed so gigantic too. I also remember going to the candy store with him after church on Sundays and him buying me all sorts of things. I remember sitting on his knee and him hugging me. I remember his big safe hands picking me up. I remember him and my Mother at the sink after dinner, her washing dishes, him drying. I remember being in the car tucked into the back seat while my parents were in the front talking grown up talk that I didn't understand. I remember feeling small. I remember feeling loved. I have not felt that way since. I am so grateful to whatever cells in my brain have enabled me to to retain those memories like I have. They are gifts to me now that both of my parents are long gone. I feel lucky to have had loving parents even if they weren't able to be with me for as long as I would have liked.
Today, I really wonder why that happened. Why was he taken from me and why was I left with an unstable alcoholic mother? She loved me too with all her heart, that was never in question. She doted on me and took good care of me but she was emotionally not there for me for parts of my childhood. Not having siblings made it harder. I always felt so alone. Maybe that's why now, as an adult, being alone is a state I handle very well. I don't understand people who need to constantly be surrounded by others. I love people, I make a living by forming very personal relationships with many people on a daily basis and I also have some wonderful friends, but for me, I need time alone to listen to my inner music. I know that sounds annoyingly new agey and Oprah goofy but I just don't know how else to put it.
For some reason, this Fathers day is making me look back on my life and I am really wondering what the impact of not having a solid man in my life as I was coming up has born in me. The last time I was truly loved unconditionally by a man was when I was 5. Not since then have I had any man just love me for who I am. I've always had to to something to keep that love and sometimes no matter what I've done it doesn't matter. I know unconditional love is an iffy thing and a lot of the time even your parents are not giving of it and it's like that with everyone who isn't your parent really. I know it's like that with everyone who isn't your parent really. You have to do things and be something to your friends too, everyone expects something of you but male/female dynamic is different.
I know it doesn't do any good to wonder but I do wonder how different my life would have been had my father lived longer than he did. What types of relationships would I have had with men that I have not? Could I have trusted easier than I have? Would I have gotten married by now? Had children? Would it be exactly the same? Worse? Better? There is no way to know but I can't help wondering, at least just for today. There is a line from a Dylan Thomas poem that goes "after the first death, there is no other". I guess you could interpret this is a few ways. It could mean that we have eternal life after we die our "first" death, it could mean there is nothing after we die OR.....for me it means after the first major loss in your life, nothing else really comes close to devastating you like the first one did. My Mothers death destroyed me because we were very close and had years together but my Fathers death set the tone for me to be a worrisome person always on the lookout for the next disaster. I was never outwardly negative in that way but my mind would always immediately go to thinking the worst if someone didn't call when they were supposed to or didn't show up when they were supposed to. It taught me that things can change in a minute and the worst can absolutely happen. That was quite a lesson to learn at the age of 5.
As I get older I realize that our parents truly are "in" us. People used to say that to me after my mom died. "She's still with you". It so pissed me off you have no idea. It took me till now to see what they meant. I am her. I am him. My face is morphing into that of my Mothers. I see my Father in there too. I hear my Mothers voice and her expressions come out of my mouth when I least expect it. I do things that I know my Father would have done too. The content of my genes hasn't changed with the loss of those who contributed to them. They continually unfurl like the petals of a tightly closed flower. I truly believe that the flower that is me will be blooming till my very last day. Time will tell.
I wish my parents were here to thank and even though they are far away in another plane of existence now, I do want to thank them for making me who I am. I hope I've made them proud and been worth creating in their eyes. I will endeavor to continue to do so till my last breath.
If your Father is alive, please tell him you love him. Reminisce with him about the special things you remember from long ago and tell him how much his support has shaped you as a human being. You won't always be able to do this, why not do it today? If you have a strained relationship with him at least thank him for giving you life. If nothing else, do that for yourself as an affirmation that you are choosing to make a good life for yourself and be a good person despite any challenges or difficulties you have faced.
Happy Fathers Day Daddy, thank you for being my Father
That's all for now :)
