Holy Smokes!

I have a confession to make. I think smoking is a nasty, filthy habit. It makes my eyes water, my throat itch and the smell is just atrocious. And this is second hand smoke. I cannot stand the stale veil that descends all over my hair and clothes when I am near someone who is feverishly smoking.

My confession is......I am completely enamoured with the almighty Hookah. Do I not look happily entranced in the accompanying picture? This was last night. My companion took it, I was exhaling and talking, hence the weird slack-jawed gaze. I live in a very diverse neighborhood and there is an area about a 5 minute walk from me called "little Egypt". A while back, I went there with a friend and we ate some wonderful food and I was curious about the pipes everyone was smoking. The smell was intoxicating. It was nothing like regular cigarette smoke. Different parts of the room smelled differently. I asked our waitress about these pipes and if she recommended us trying it. She was pretty enthusiastic about it. She helped us figure out what to order and she assured us that even as non-smokers we would love it.

She was indeed correct! We ordered the fancy fruit shisha. Shisha is a specially treated tobacco (they use honey, fruit, spices and different flavors). The tobacco is packed into a hollowed out grapefruit shell. This is placed over a water chamber (think fancy bong-ish sort of contraption). There are hot coals placed over the top of the grapefruit. You take a puff from a long elaborate embroidered hose and the tobacco smoke is pulled through the water chamber and then filters out to you through the hose. The smoke is a huge dramatic cloud but it is shockingly inoffensive and gentle. The result is a smooooooooth deliciously sweet and spicy smoke. It's like a calorie free dessert. My current favorite is called blue mist. It's blueberry flavoured. The grapefruit gives it a little kick but it is perfectly rounded and well balanced. I wish I could take everyone of you and sit you down to try this. It is truly special. This is the only smoke that I actually love being blown in my face. It smells that good. I must reiterate that it is nothing like cigarette smoke at all. My second favorite combo is guava and lime in the grapefruit shell. Smoked alongside a fruit smoothy or a cold refreshing drink it is a true treat on a warm evening.

The thing that makes this even more of an experience is sitting outdoors in the quiet of the evening with others who are doing the same thing. New friends are made, the stress of the day is forgotton and at some point very late in the evening, belly dancers arrive and then the fun starts. Loud, energizing music, people getting up and randomly dancing with the girls, laughter and chatter. It's like coming home and I love it. Even in cooler weather and on a weeknight when it is tamer there are people gathered watching whatever happens to be on TV or Arabic television or Arabic music videos which are elaborate and hard to take your eyes off of. The experience is truly a treat for the senses and I am in a habit now of dropping in whenever I can.

Oh and just a little rave for the movie we saw last night, "The Hangover". Excellent potty humored comedy, highly recommended. I was pleasantly surprised to see Bradley Cooper looking sizzlingly hot in this. I never liked him till this movie but he was undeniably sexy and has really come into his own. Two thumbs up for this summer release.

That's all for now :)

I hop for IHOP

I do not eat in chain restaurants. I just do not. Even when I lived in a really rural area (aka: "the boonies") I was not a fast food/chain place eater. I would rather go to a hole in the wall diner with a guy who looks like he just got out on parole cooking my eggs behind the counter than McDonald's. Considering this, imagine my surprise when I went to IHOP for the very first time this year and fell in love.

I love pancakes. I do. I love everything about them. They are syrup loving food pillows for the likes of mounds of butter and my beloved maple syrup. I love maple syrup so much that I used to drink it as a kid. Poured over some crushed ice, there is nothing better. It's a mountain girl slurpee/snowcone. I know, you're thinking it sounds gross but you are wrong about this. It is mmm, mmm good. My mom used to boil it in the wintertime and drizzle it over fresh snow for a treat for me and my friends. This is a pretty common treat in "the boonies." It taste like a creamy taffy. As it hits the snow it solidifies and gets chewy and almost creamy. It is delicious. Eating this makes me feel like Half Pint from Little House on the Prairie. It's a primitive "we live in the middle of nowhere and these damn kids are making me nuts asking me for candy that I don't have so I'm just gonna feed then some sugar to shut them up" type of treat. The maple syrup that I grew up on was actually made by none other than my high school chemistry teacher, Mr Pop. Bless his tree tapping heart. ...WHOA am I on a tangent today or what? Back to IHOP...

So pancakes, syrup, they are things that are close to my heart. Established. A few months back, my co-worker Miguel said to me one day, "hey, lets go to IHOP". "What's that" said I? "You're kidding, right?"said Miguel. And off we went. We are in NYC, Harlem to be specific, so there are really no national chain type of restaurants present where we are, except IHOP. I entered suspiciously, ready for a sub par feeding. Being in a chain restaurant always makes me feel like a pig sidling up to a trough. I was pleasantly surprised to dig into some wonderful, fluffy delicious pancakes. This piglet was pretty happy. They were very close to what I would make for myself. The syrup wasn't real deal but it was fine in context.

On a return trip I had the seasonal pumpkin pancakes and they were fantastic. If you ever go to an IHOP in the fall, check these babies out, they are like gingerbread cakes on your plate, so good. This past week I had a "healthy" selection, the Harvest Grain N Nut Healthy Combo. It was 2 grain and nut pancakes, egg substitute and fresh fruit. I know, egg sub sounds gross but it wasn't rubbery or strange at all. It was soft and creamy scrambly and I didn't feel like I was short changing myself or missing out on anything. The pancakes were not as good as the regular ones but they were a more filling choice and stayed with me the entire day. I could not finish this plate, I was so full that I even skipped dinner that night.

The only other place I have been that is a chain that I am OK with going to is Cracker Barrel. That place is like jumping into a seductively hypnotizing lake of butter, gravy and cheese while gently floating on a giant flaky biscuit life raft to a bacon and home fry lined shore. You just have to make peace with the fact that when you walk into a Cracker Barrel, you are essentially getting into bed with public enemy #1 of the American Heart Association. It's not an everyday thing but once in a while it is much appreciated. I really wish we had a Cracker Barrel here. I would kill for one. Maybe it's best for me not to have access to a place where the chicken fried steak in massive amounts of gravy seems like a healthy option in comparison to the rest of the menu.

So speaking of mouthwatering goodies, I usually have a tasty treat over the weekend. My week is full of salad, fish, chicken, tons of veggies and fruits. My weekend treat today will be a Juniors Lil' Fella. Do you know Juniors? It's place here in NY (originally Brooklyn to be precise) known for it's cheesecakes. As a former pastry chef I will give Juniors it's due. They do make an excellent product. I first had Juniors cheesecake about 8 years ago when my ex and I got a ticket for subway fare evasion (don't ask, whole other story) and we had to appear in court right down the block from Juniors in Brooklyn. The ex tried to make the court thing up to me ( it was all his stupid fault and he knew it) by promising to take me to Juniors after our appearance. We went and had Rubens (very good) and cheesecake. We then came home and took a massive nap after plunging into a food coma, but that cheesecake was stellar. Juniors also sells these tiny personal sized portion cheesecakes called little fellas. They used to be called LIL fellas. somewhere along the way the lil' became little. I am still going to call them lil' because that adds to their charm for me and quite frankly,it makes them sound a lot less fattening and exponentially more charming to boot. I find anything called lil' to be adorable and the fella added to the lil' almost makes me feel guilty for eating such a cute thing. I said almost. They are fabulous. If you ever have a cheesecake craving and see a lil' fella, jump on it, you won't be sorry.

So that's all I've got for you on a rainy dreary Saturday here. I hope you have a delicious treat yourself this weekend!

That's all for now :)

Ode to a Jackass

Those of you who have read previous entries here may remember: :"John Mayer, a Critical Analysis". In that entry I discussed my dislike for Mr Mayer and elaborated with my reasons. Today, I feel the need to throw Mr Jeremy Piven into the spotlight. After all,this is exactly where he wants to be isn't it?

I have never liked Jeremy Piven. He reeks of a smug,entitled self importance that I loathe. When he decided to leave the Broadway show he was performing in and used "mercury poisoning" as an excuse (claimed it was due to sushi), well, that set me off even more. No one eats that much sushi, I refuse to believe it. And if they do, why isn't every single Japanese person on this earth dead from this ailment?

This man strikes me as one of those "don't you know who I am?" people. I can totally see him stepping over an 83 year old lady who is in front of him to get his coffee quicker. And I've heard tales of his trying to mac on 20 year old girls with his "hey I'm a famous actor" shtick. Well hear me now Mr Piven, you may be famous but you are balding and smarmy and you are NOT funny. And I've written a haiku to tell you how I feel about you and it goes like this:








receding hairline

egotistical jackass

get over yourself






That's all for now :)

New, from the folks who brought you Delirious Girl® Lard...

Yays and Nays

Today was quite the day. For some reason I was highly annoyed quite a bit. And NO Aunt Flo isn't visiting for any sexist jerks out there theorizing on why I might be extra bitchy today.

I think I'm just going to make a list of the annoying things and balance them with some good ones so I don't come off as a totally miserable shrew.

Realize,this is a purely self-indulgent, cathartic, venting type of exercize for me so you might want to skip this entry if you have a low tolerance for bitching.


The Sour:

1.)People who walk in front of me on the street or in the subway in a meandering, zig-zag fashion. WTF people? To the left to the left? To the right to the right? MAKE UP YOUR MIND.

2.)In a related gripe, people who STOP dead at the top of an escalator. When I am behind them. And that vicious machine is still angrily cranking it's evil, gnashing metal stairs rapidly along. Get the pic?

3.) The existence of Twitter. I don't care what you had for lunch. I don't care about your new shoes. I don't care about the douchebag move your neighbor pulled. Please stop it. Stop it right now. Just stop. Okay? Please?


4.)John and Kate plus 8. COME ON. For the love of all that is holy, why am I being bombarded with the lurid details of their daily existence? I have never watched their show. I refuse to. I hate these people. Well, maybe not the kidlets, they don't deserve my fury but Mom and Dad suck ballz. How did they land a show? Why are they referred to as a "celeb" couple? This just infuriates me. It is indicative of everything that is wrong in the world. If this show is renewed for another season...well, then we have finally let the terrorists win haven't we?

5.) Insincere people. Confused People. People who say one thing and mean another and think I'm a mind reader. People who lack the ability to view others as thinking, feeling individuals just like them. People who do not live by the principle of treating others as they wish to be treated. It's so simple isn't it?

6.)Lara Spencer on The Insider. You know her, that skinny blond on that stupid Entertainment Tonight rip off show. I loathe this woman. I used to love her when she was on channel 7 here in NYC as a human interest segment reporter. Now she is a vapid fool. One minute she talks about David Carradine's death, the next she's telling you all about her outfit and her accessories and where to get them. I would love to slap her silly and ask her what happened to her since she moved to Hollywood.


7.) Passive aggressive psycho boss who tells me how amazinglyfabulous I am and then screams at me for something I had absolutely nothing to do with. Then hangs up on me without listening to me explain. Then figures out she wrongly chewed my face off. Then does not bother to apologize. Watch out for the fish bones beeatch, they're gonna get you eventually.


The Sweet:

1.)A patients wife giving me a glass of homemade lemonade today. Then she hugged me and told me she loved me. Then I watched her change her severely impaired husbands diaper and feed him lunch. And smile and cuddle him through the entire ordeal. If she was a man I would kidnap her and marry her. Hell, maybe I still will. Vermont is only a state away.

2.) The existence of Simon Baker. Don't like blonds per se. Am a bit confused by this but think of him occasionally in a day dreamy way and actually smile.

3.) My home cooked dinner of chicken curry stew. Take an onion, few cloves of garlic, bit of oil. Let it go for a bit. Add a tsp of GOOD curry powder, tsp of cumin and 2 tsp coriander. Few shakes of sriracha sauce. salt to taste. Let it get toasty. Now add about 10 to 12 skinless chicken drummettes. Now dump in a 16 ounce can of tomato sauce. Maybe a 1/2 can water. Now add a pound of chunked up carrots. Cover and let it go. for like an hour. Take the chicken out. Add about 4 zucchinis cut up roughly. Let it go for maybe 15 to 20 min. Add the chicken back to the pot. Stir in 1/4 cup greek yogurt. NOT the sissy yogurt, the manly greek stuff. Lastly add 2 Tablespoon peanut butter. That's it. YUMMO. Eat over Jasmine or Basmati rice and send me fan letters.

4.)The existence of Bacon. I thought about Bacon today and I smiled and felt warmly inside. Yes, it's capitalized and I know it and it always should be. If I could be intimate with a food, it would be Bacon. I would not fuck Bacon. I would make sweet love to Bacon. And you all know how I feel about that phrase "make love". It grosses me out like nothing else but with Bacon, I would fully realize that "making love" really does exist. I would marry Bacon. I'm tearing up just thinking of how happy Bacon and I would be together. Till the end of our lives, forever and ever. No judging, no worries or disappointments ever. Wait, where was I? Oh right, blog entry...*ahem, cough cough*

5.) A text I got today from my ex. This is a man who talks about poop with me and forays it into a reasonably intelligent conversation. It was a picture of a donut. It went like this:

Him: *insert donut pic*

Me: ?????

Him: I just ate a donut

Me: Ahhh, it was that simple


THE END. That interaction was the most satisfying one I had all day. It made me laugh. It made me smile. It made me feel understood in a strange way.


That's all for now :)

FML

FML, otherwise know as"fuck my life". There is a website that goes by this name that is basically devoted to people sharing their stories of embarrassing moments or humiliations with others. After telling their absurd tale they end the post with..."FML" or fuck my life.

I would imagine that were David Carradine alive today or better yet, were his spirit able to communicate with us today, he would be posting the events surrounding his untimely demise as his own personal, ultimate FML story. In a lovely gesture, his ex-wife is making all the entertainment show rounds discussing in depth his complusion to tie himself up in the bedroom and to hold his breath in the pool till he passed out. Sweet of her isn't it? In case you live in a cave, the semi-famous actor David Carradine recently bought the farm due to his insatiable lust for a mind blowing orgasm via auto-erotic asphyxiation. You know what that is, right? Basically you strangle yourself cutting off the oxygen to your brain in hopes that it will increase the sensation or some nonsense like that. The thing is, sometimes people die doing this. Remember the lead singer from the band INXS? Yes, my beloved teenage crush Michael Hutchence. Same fate. And the thing with this kind of death is that no matter what you did while you were alive, you could have cured cancer for crying out loud....but you will always be known for all of eternity as "that guy who died jerking off". Pity isn't it?

It reminds me of the conversations I used to have with my good friend about dying. We would speculate on the best and worst ways to go and how we thought we might go. I always thought I would end up ass up and face down on the toilet a la Elvis. Either that or in some huge dramatic WHOOPS type of accident where everyone standing by exclaims, "Wow, did you see that?"

Once, I was enjoying an intimate encounter with an old boyfriend and he got some really fierce chest pains. It was scary. I pushed him to go to the ER and the only thing that really got him to go was when I said..."look, if you collapse on top of me like this it's really gonna kill the mood and people will always talk about the way you died". Off we went to the ER.

I knew a woman whose best friend was in a similar situation with her boyfriend, who was affectionately referred to by everyone in the neighborhood as "Mr Ray". Mr Ray was a total charmer and owned a few apartment buildings. He was known and loved by one and all. He was a really decent guy who helped out a lot of people. The thing about Mr Ray was, he loved the ladies and he had a harem of them. He would give them free apartments in his buildings to keep them easy access so his wife wouldn't suspect anything while he was out sowing his oats. Oh, and Mr Ray was an extremely large, heavy man. Anyway, one night Mr Ray was engaged in some shagging with his lady friend when BOOM. Massive heart attack right on top of her. Mr Ray was so heavy that she was unable to move him off of her and the phone was out of reach. She layed there, completely helpless for a day and a half till someone found her like that. Can you imagine the trauma of that? Being completely naked for an entire day and night with a huge naked dead guy festering on top of you? This is a story that everyone in the neighborhood still talks about to this day. I cannot think of a more appropriate FML story than that one.

So let this be a lesson to all of you freaks out there who have the urge to strangle yourselves on your ultimate thrill quest, do it at your own risk. You may be forever known for your sensational death and nothing more.

That's all for now! :)

The Interchangeables

OK, I've had this thought for a very long time and I think it's finally time to share it with someone. Poor you if you happen to stumble onto this. I'll try to be more thought provoking next time.

For years, I could not keep B list actors Dylan McDermott and Dermott Mulroney straight. If I saw Dylan McDermott I could identify him for you, but Dermott Mulroney, well, that was just a wild crap shoot. And aren't they both foils for Julia Roberts vehicle's anyway? Now, along come Clive Owen and Gerard Butler. I must ask this.*Dateline announcer voice*........ Aren't these guys all the same person? Like, if one wasn't available for a role, the casting agent would immediately default to one of the others? I can completely see any of them in the same role and the role not suffering at all. If Rupert Everett hadn't recently butchered his face via cosmetic procedures, I would toss him in here as an alternate. Look at them , just look at them? Do you see what I mean? Has the Romantic Comedy Leading Man Factory been churning them out overtime? I'll bet even their own mothers would be fooled. If I had something nice to give you I would even make a contest for you and ask you to identify who is who in the pics I posted. I would bet that even with google at your fingertips you would be hard pressed to come up with the answer to this one.

I cannot be the only person to feel this way can I? Does anyone else get what I'm saying here? ANYONE? I feel so strongly about this that I am almost certain that the wives or girlfriends of these men would also be easily fooled. As a matter of fact, I'll go out on a limb and suggest that only dental records and DNA testing would adequately identify them as being different individuals.

That's all for now :)