Subway Chilvary

Yesterday, I was really not doing well. I'm not going to go into the gory details, but it felt like everything in my life was crumbling and I was at my breaking point. The breaking point came at 5 pm after working all day in the bitter freezing cold and going to my physical therapy appointment. Everyone I encountered seemed to give me bad news and I was just primed for a good cry. You know, one of those therapeutic cries when you lay down in your bed with your box of puffs next to you and just cry and cry till there is nothing left and then you fall asleep from the exhaustion of it all?

The problem was, I could not hold it in during my commute home and it started, of all places, ON THE SUBWAY. Yep, on the N train as it hurtled through the tunnel underneath the 59th Street bridge. Oh it wasn't an ugly cry or anything. No one even noticed it was so contained, except one guy. He was standing in the coveted doorway spot and I was leaning against the middle pole in front of him. There were no seats. I had just tilted my face toward the floor and the tears were rolling down my face quietly. I must have looked pretty pathetic because this man who stood there just a couple of feet away from me was watching and he happened to be holding a big bouquet of flowers. I honestly didn't even notice him, I was that wrapped up in my own pain. It was at that moment that something truly adorable happened. The man with the flowers leaned toward me and handed me the bouquet. It took me a moment to realize what was happening and as I did I looked up at him and smiled and thanked him and said no....no thanks but thank you so much for doing that and that the gesture was enough. We smiled at each other for a few seconds and then the train stopped and we parted.

I'm still thinking of that man today and even though I still feel pretty awful and like a lost soul, he really made me think that maybe the world isn't such a lonely place after all. Maybe there are some good things out there that are worth hanging around for and I should try to refocus my mind of the good things I see and hear on a daily basis and filter out the negative ones that are dragging me into the state I seem to be stuck in lately.

So to the guy on the N train who noticed the girl who was crying......thank you, you are a beautiful person who crossed paths with me at just the right time. Whoever ended up getting those flowers is a very lucky person.

:)

Best Friends

Warning: This post is sappy and emotional and has no entertainment value...if you're looking for that...come back tommorow......

Take a look at these ladies in the photo. They are best friends. I am reminded of them because I have recently become completely dependant on mine as of late and I am relieved to report that these relationships have not only survived a current crisis, but they have deepened for me because of it. You know someone is a true blue when they hear or see you do the "ugly cry" 3x a day and they still take you seriously and keep coming back to hear it ad nauseum over and over again. This is what real friends are about. Seeing you at your most vulnerable and coming in closer to see if there is anything to offer to make it more bearable.

Many years ago when my Mother died, I thought I had a lot of good friends. I never imagined that they would not be there for me at my darkest hour.Much to my surprise, there is not a single person in my life right now who weathered that storm with me 13 years ago. I cleaned house and learned a lot about friendships and I made a vow to only surround myself with people who were supportive and truly cared about me. It took some trial and error but after some soul searching and some deep thought I managed to find a handful of people who I could call at 3 am need be. This is something extremely important to me because I have no living family and no children. I am truly alone in a technical way. The recent events have made me feel blessed that while I may be alone in some very scary ways, I am not unloved or uncared about and I have some good things in my life that I should be focusing on right now.

While these ladies may not understand what it is like to be in my situation completely, they do not have to. They have offered me the acceptance and understanding that my life would be terribly lacking without them. I am very grateful for these wonderful women I have been leaning on and the unconditional support they have been providing me with. I just wanted to take time out today to say to these women (and you know who you are) that I would be unable to get out of bed and be functioning without you.

From the early morning phone calls to the mid day check-ups to the late night "therapy sessions" that I have been sucking up, I thank all of you. I realize that you all have lives and I will never be able to tell you how your caring and attention have helped cushion some of this fall out immensely. To be getting calls from you at times that I know are not convenient for you and to be listened to when I know I am saying the same thing over again for the 50th time in 3 days is just something I do not want any of you to think I take for granted. I am also thankful that you do understand that this is something I am not just going to stop thinking about and that I am basically alone and need some sort of shout out of concern on an almost daily basis.

One of you is going through the worst health crisis of your life among other stresses and you still care about me and my situation that must seem tame compared to what you are going through. Another one of you is working long hours till the point of exhaustion and still finds a minute to pick up the phone and call multiple times a week and another one of you calls constantly and travels to spend your days off with me because you know I am suffering from terrible loneliness right now and just need a distraction from the devastation I'm feeling on a daily basis.

I won't go on and on here more than I already have, but I will say that I am trying very hard lately to find things to be thankful for as a means of shifting my mood and perspective. Your kindness and genuine concern make me feel like a very lucky person even in the face of a very painful existence right now.In comparing the support I received when my mother died 13 years ago and the support I am getting now with my current crisis, it is encouraging to me and quite obvious that I finally learned how to pick supportive, genuine people for friends. You all are the cream of the crop and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Tomorrow we will be back to our regularly scheduled programing I promise, but I felt that I had to have my say of something that has been weighing as heavily as this has on my mind lately.