Mothers Day Reflections

Sunday was my 14th motherless Mothers Day. It still hurts, but the pain isn't a stabby pain anymore. It's more of an ache, a longing that has become chronic. I don't cry much about it anymore unless something brings it on and makes me want to talk to my Mother and I realize that it is impossible and I have to lay in bed, shut my eyes and have an imaginary conversation with her or pray that she comes to me while I'm sleeping and we have one of our interdimentional visits (yes, I'm nuts, I do get visits from her occasionally, judge if you will) . Lately I have been thinking a lot about my life, what it was, what it has become and trying to make some sense of it. Maybe I'm doing this more because I'm in my 40's, I don't really know. Like most people at this age, I've had some losses and I've managed to move forward. The thing with me is though, I have no family so when something changes it shakes me up more than I care to admit.

My Dad died when I was 5, my mom died when I was 30. I have no siblings, my aunts and uncles are pretty much all deceased as well. I have no husband or kids. It's a bit scary being like this at times. I have friends who I can count on but it's not the same. My mother dying was always my worst fear. I used to cry just thinking of it before it actually happened. Then it did and it was far worse than I ever imagined. It happened on my shoulder in the car as I drove her to a Dr appt. She just slumped over on me and that was that. I raced her to the ER, they revived her and she then died again later that night. I will never forget that moment. I remember a nurse saying to me "pray for what's best for her, not for what's best for you." The Dr told me he was sorry. I was completely numb. I was shaking. My arms and legs felt like jello. I felt like I was melting into a pool, I wanted to melt into a pool. I wanted to be gone. I remember my best friend walking down that long hallway with me and thinking that I was leaving her there and I was never going to see her again. Even now, remembering it, it doesn't seem real. I went home and I got into her bed and I remember screaming and screaming and screaming. I have never ever screamed like that before that day and I have never screamed like that since. I don't think I ever will again. It changed me forever. Something in me died that day too but at the same time, something undefinable was being born .

At that moment, I chose to live. I didn't realize it was a choice at the time but now I see that it was and the funny part is, everything that happened to me up to that point in my life, everything that never made sense while it was happening gave me the skill to deal with that horrible situation. I was raised by a wonderful woman. She taught me more than I could ever begin to tell you about. She also struggled with an addiction to alcohol. I almost feel like I am betraying her by saying it here. Isn't that funny? That all these years later, and you have no idea who I am or who she is and still the shame of that is so deep and the stigma is so ingrained that I feel like I am giving up a dirty secret that I should be keeping still. I mean it's not like I'm going MacKenzie Phillips here and telling you some creepy details about something that is besmirching my Mom's memory. It's not like you know her, or me but still, I feel blabby telling. What the fuck is my point in telling anyway? I don't know, maybe verbal masturbation, a need to just put it down somewhere and get it out? What makes me think you care or want to read such a sullen entry? Maybe you don't. Maybe this will turn you off and you'll never come back again. That's a risk I'm taking in being authentic at the moment I guess. And who's reading this anyway really?

I remember after my father died, my Mom really lost her shit. She was devastated and so lost. She had lost both her parents by the time she was 16, her sister, her child (my sister) and now her husband. I think it was all just too much for her to process and I didn't blame her. She drank to the point of me knowing there was something wrong. I was 5. I knew something was up. By the time I was 7, I was hiding her car keys. How the hell did I know to do that? I have no idea but I did. I remember once, my Aunt came to see my mom and my mom was passed out in her bedroom. She was attempting to do laundry and there was a basket near her filled with the laundry. As my aunt came up the stairs I was freaking out. I had seen my Aunt kick my mother in the past when she was drunk. I grabbed that laundry and I dumped it all over my mom as she slept and I lied and told my Aunt that my Mother was at the store! I am still amazed that I did that.I was 8. My Aunt believed me and never knew. After she left, I went and sat out on the back steps of the house and cried. I don't even remember being sad. I just remember feeling helpless and frustrated and wondering what I did wrong. I seriously wonder how I am not more fucked up than I am. How I did not turn to drugs, alcohol etc. I never ever did. I was a virgin till I was 21. I've never done an illegal drug in my life. I took 2 puffs of weed once and was grossed out by it. I have drank but I honestly do not like alcohol except for champagne and I never drink to get drunk. I have never done any other drugs except for prescribed narcotics for pain when I've been ill.

So where am I going with this, let me think.......oh yeah. My mom was in and out of rehab many times. I spent a lot of my childhood at AA meetings. At that time, it was the 70's there were other kids there and there was always someone who would watch us while our parents were attending the meetings. At times we were in those smoked filled rooms and I remember hearing some crazy assed stories of other peoples journeys and all the shit they had endured and put their loved ones through. As you can imagine, this really affected me deeply. For some reason unknown to me, I had a very pronounced ability to feel the pain of others. I never thought badly of those people, I only felt compassion for them and prayed that they could find a way to get better. I remember always feeling so different and out of place with other kids. I felt like an impostor, like I really wasn't a kid. Like I was an adult trapped in a kids body. I've always felt old ever since I can remember which is strange since I have such a crazy sense of humor and I always see the absurdity and the lighter side of things. Maybe that's not so crazy after all, maybe that was my coping mechanism, my humor. Oh that and food. Yep, I did inherit the addictive gene and cheese doodles were my drug of choice.

I was pretty fat for most of my childhood. I loved food, eating it, cooking it, you name it. I even became a pastry chef at one point. After my mom died I finally began to deal with all my experiences and I was able to release the weight. 89 lbs of it. And I've pretty much stayed healthy and relatively slim since. I'll never be skinny but I'm not plus sized anymore and I get why I was eating and I do not do it in a destructive way anymore. Her death seemed to free me up to start taking care of me and admit a lot of things that I never wanted to admit. It's funny how when you deal with your feelings, you really see your patterns and why you do the things you do.

So on Mothers day, I was thinking. Thinking about all of it. And I felt sort of shocked that all these years later I can honestly say that I'm grateful for all that stuff. I really can't look at it and feel sorry for myself. I wouldn't change my beautiful mom for a sober one, I would not change her death even though I miss her daily and still cry and ache for her. She had to go to free me to grow out of my cocoon and be the butterfly I have become. I beat myself up a lot, I'm a slob, this is a thing about myself that I consistently wish I could change. I've tried, I do make efforts but I recently thought to myself well fuck, if that is the absolutely worst thing you can say about yourself what the hell is wrong with you? That's nothing! no one is perfect, if you're unorganized and sloppy, WHATEVER. There is plenty of fabulousness about you that offsets your slobbery (do you like my new word?). Maybe I'm getting old, maybe it's middle age but I think I finally *drum roll*, I finally like myself. Fat thighs, frizzy hair, sloppiness all of it. I mean I even posted a pic here of myself in a BATHING SUIT last year. (See: "bathing beauty" entry). That took a lot of moxie, it's got to mean something.

I have no idea why I exploded like this here. I'm off from work this week and up late being introspective and here I am. I have a goofy entry planned for tomorrow though so fear not, my light hearted self will return in a few!




NOTE: Customers who purchased this also purchased:

"She's Come Undone", by Wally Lamb ;)



That's all for now! :)

Fun site of the day

I cannot believe I didn't know about this site. I just sat here for 30 minute laughing my ass off, yes, I LMAO. People really are something aren't they? I love this site and I am sad that I only discovered it now that it's not active anymore but there seems to be plenty to enjoy.

That's all for now :)

Have a happy period

The time: 10:30 this AM

The place: the middle of the block as I walked to the subway to go to work this morning

The players: me and an innocent male passerby



Me: "hums to self whilst skipping down the block" lalalala, hmmmm....

He:*as he approached me head on "Excuse me, you dropped something"

Me: "oh? hmmm, what? thank you! *turns around to look at dropped item which was about 15 to 20 feet behind me now

He : *as he realized what item was*"oh no! I'm sorry!"

Me: "What?" *approaches item and recognizes it to be......A TAMPON IN ITS WRAPPER "OH MY GOD!! NOOOOO! OH NO NO NO! THIS IS THE MOST EMBARRASSING THING IN YEARS! YEARS!! OMG!

He: "No! It's OK! I've seen them before! I know! I'm so sorry, after I realized what it was I felt terrible and I thought maybe I shouldn't have said anything, she's gonna be really embarrassed! I'm sorry!

Me:" Oh God, no. This is just, oh god. OMG. I have no idea where it came from!" *clumsily checks well zipped up bag*

He: "I know, you look all zipped up there!"

Me: "please, can you pretend this never happened and you have no idea who I am if you ever see me again, please?

He: " OMG, yes, yes, I'm so sorry, so so sorry"

THE END.

Pic of the day

It's official, I am a Yoga bigot

OK, I'm on a hot rant right now and I'm gonna just free form on you. I haven't written like this in a bit so beware, Mount Fussbudget is due for an eruption. I just got into a VERY spirited discussion with a bunch of friends about Yoga among other things. Yes, Yoga. I know I've talked about my dislike for men who do it here in the past and my feelings have not changed. Not only have they not changed, they have intensified after two more experiences with Yoga practicing weirdos.

To be honest, after my last rant I felt like maybe I was being a bit bigoted and closed minded and I decided to give yoga do-ers a chance to see if maybe I was being unnecessarily harsh. I am here to report back that no, I was not. After checking, they are still fruit loops and I was correct in my assumption that there is something definitely off about male yoga doers. Female yoga do-ers seem to be a mixed group. Some are wound so tightly that you could bounce a quarter off their faces. These people LIVE to be offended by anything and everything. Others are just normal gals who want to stay in shape and strengthen etc. In all of this, gay men seem to get a free pass. I never met an annoying gay guy whose annoyingness was tied into his Yoga doing.

The thing about these yoga people is that there seems to be this super annoying douchey subculture related to it. Toss in meditation, vegetarianism/veganism, wearing skinny pants, driving a prius, being "spiritual but not religious", being "fiscally conservative but morally liberal", listening to indie bands and watching indie movies, owning a Mac and you've got the makings of a community of super annoying Chris Martins. See, all of these things in and of themselves do not annoy me, but when they all get combined it's the perfect storm for the making of a huge jerk. The weird part is, you would think that doing yoga would make these people relaxed but no. They are uptight and offended more easily than the average person in my experience and they are definitely neurotic to a large degree. Another thing is that self aware seems to equal self absorbed. They like to think they're all sensitive and in touch with feelings and such but in truth they are only sensitive to their OWN feelings, not yours or anyone elses. They make me want to hold them down whilst I eat a nice drippy slab of ribs in front of them.

I recently met two men who were yoga doers. The red light went off when I leaned this about them but I said you know, don't be a judgemental asshole here, give this person a chance. I was rewarded with a completely humiliating experience with one of them. I won't even tell you the story but this man fancied himself to be quite the evolved person and he was the most lost, confused person I have ever encountered. He treated me like a disposable object, never apologized or tried to be a decent person. He was quite simply a nightmare who should have come with a warning label. Even now, the thought of him roaming around out there makes me wish I could warn others. He was trying so hard to be a "good person" that it seemed to be totally out of his reach. I look back on it now and I think, what the hell was I thinking in letting my guard down and giving this guy the chance to be with my fabulous self? I spent time with him trying to help him when he needed it and he just randomly dismissed me and acted like I did not exist for absolutely no reason. This after HE pursued ME and convinced me that he was "different". Oh he was different alright. He could have been my case study in my psych classes for my personality disorder unit. The thing is, I really wasn't even into him seriously but I considered him a budding friend. All I wanted was some respect back after giving it to him but he was unable to even manage something as simple as that. Honestly, he deserved to have "massengill" carved into his forehead. Remember the scenes in "Inglorious Basterds" where they carved the Nazi emblem into the captured Nazis foreheads? Well replace that with "massengill" and I would be a happy girl if I could inflict that on that thoughtless, rude man. The other Yoga doer was just flaky. Not much to tell you on it but there was something off about him from the very little that I knew about him. Had some odd quirks. Not a hurtful jerk, he was sexy, sweet and fun to be with and I really liked him a lot but there was something that just wasn't right there.

I think my point here is not to hate on all Yoga doers even if it seems that I am with this crazy scattered tirade of mine. It's not even the Yoga itself. Yoga, of course, has very clear health benefits and the same with vegetarianism, it's that it tends to be one symptom of many that leads to the fatal disease of douchebaggery. I assume part of it is location, but you want to find the most uptight, self-righteous, annoying bunch of wankers? I'm willing to bet it's the yoga, vegan, Mac owning, Prius driving, skinny pant wearing, meditating, indie rock listening set! Yet out of that lot, there will be at least one really cool person who can't stand the rest of the people who do what he does, there are always exceptions to this biased, blanket statement I'm making.

Oh, bonus for you, the discussion we had also included a rant on Natasha Beddingfield as well. I know. By now you must be wondering, what the hell does this woman actually like? Plenty! But it's not as cathartic to tell you about that as it is to bitch about the things that annoy me. It's not very fussbudgety to talk about things I like all the time is it?So Natasha Beddingfield. OK, the thing about her is, she has all the emotion of a Yoplait yogurt commercial. Kind of like...OMG, this yogurt is *expressing yourself in a heartfelt ballad* good. Does that make sense to you? I don't really know why I hate her. She seems sweet, I kind of feel bad about it but I almost want to kick her. She's just so... empowered woman write-in-journal I am my own person kind of... blah. She and Colbie Calait would frolic in sun drenched fields together. I seem to have an irrational dislike for these two broads. I do not like this entire genre of music. It makes me think of Grays Anatomy, Dawsons Creek and other stupid overwrought hour long dramas with bad dialogue and totally implausible story lines on network TV. That "pocket full of sunshine" song makes me want to kill something too, or wax my floor with something lemony smelling that will create sparkle. When I hear her music. I feel like I should be sipping a pro-biotic smoothie after my bikram yoga class and on my way to a day spa in my husbands Mercedes.

I am now signing off to do some power yoga, drink soy macchiatos and stand in front in the mirror, wearing my Louboutins thankyouverymuch.

PS.....the video I posted below pretty much sums up my feelings on Yoga guys. for some reason it wasn't embeddable in this post. I have actually met men that are not too far from this guy. .....enjoy

That's all for now :)

Inappropriate Yoga Guy - Yoga, Bitch!

New shoes....

I know, you're really turned on right now, aren't you? Try to focus and give me your honest opinion. Do you like my new shoes? I'm not sure if they are suitable for work or not. What do you think? I'm sorry for the beaver-like expression here. I was trying to maintain my balance and really get a good pic of the footwear for you.

I meant to share this website with you a long time ago, I love it. It's right up there for me with with peopleofwalmart.com . Hope this provides you with as many giggles as it does me.

That's all for now :)