Last night, I went to a memorial service. I really did not want to go but I went because I realize the importance of these things and the need for support for the people who have been left behind. The person who died was a wonderful human being and the service was quite interesting. He was an engineer, athlete, inventor....the kind of person who makes you feel like you are not really reaching your potential as a human being. I say this not as a negative thing rather but as a point of interest and a testament to what a wonderful person this individual was.
The thing about this experience that makes it worthy of re-telling it to you though is that as I sat there quietly in my seat, listening to people give their speeches about the deceased and listening to live musical numbers performed by this mans extremely talented family....something rather strange began to happen. Two worlds collided. Let me explain this to you as delicately as I can.
The person who died was black, his wife is white. As a person who has attended traditional services for both white and black people I want to tell you that depending on the religion and customs of the person who is being celebrated these two groups do things quite differently. I have been to black funerals in the baptist church and they are truly something to talk about if you have never been to one. The service starts out with a preacher giving a sermon and people listening and commenting as it is being said. Anyone who feels something at the time it is being said will just express agreement or whatever they are feeling. It is not uncommon for people to be loudly exclaiming...."THAT'S RIGHT!" or "UH-HUH!", or "SWEET JESUS IN HEAVEN HERE US!". This is a normal thing in a black church setting. It is not a normal thing in most traditional white churches. It is not a horrible thing for a person to express themselves, but it is just not something most white congregants do. I actually like the idea and I think it's therapeutic and fitting.
Anyway, after the sermon this is when things are radically different. At a white service, it is just over. People may mingle afterward or those close to the person who died may say a few words but most of the time everyone will go somewhere to eat and continue the conversation in a fairly subdued manner. In a black church, this is when it is just beginning.
After the preacher steps down, usually a choir will sing and the music is quite powerful and rousing. People may dance, they will join in, it's truly a celebration of the person who is gone. Things settle in a bit and people will just get up one at a time and go up to the microphone at the podium and talk about the person who has died. They will even feel the moment and sing with everyone joining in. This will go on for many, many hours. The last service of this type that I attending was still going after 4 hours. I had to leave as people were still talking.
My point in telling you all of this is because of something that happened at the service I attended last night. It was straight out of a Seinfeld episode which was fitting because the service was held on the upper west side of Manhattan where Seinfeld was actually set. I am still laughing when I think of it. Towards the end of the service, an African man was asked by the deceased mans family to speak about him. This man had a very thick accent and was hard to understand and he was not properly holding the microphone up to his mouth as he spoke. This made for an awkward moment. No one could understand him and he did ramble quite a bit. It was at the end of 2 hours of listening to people speak and I think people were ready to get up and go to the buffet table and eat at this point. An elderly black woman sitting next to me started talking very loudly as if no one could hear her. At first she declared "Oh come on! No one can understand this guy!". Now everyone was sitting in very close proximity to everyone else and it was pretty easy for the entire room to hear her. Then she stated "Oh he is just going on and on!! No one wants to hear this! Stop talking!". At this point I think I slid down in my seat a few inches when people began to turn their heads and look back at her. She proceeded to have a severe coughing fit and dig through her gigantic suitcase sized purse for a cough drop. As she did this she said out loud, as if she was the only person in the room, "Oh I just can't find it, where is it? I need it now!" She was talking about her cough drops I'm sure, but it was just so bizarre. As the mumbling African man went on she spouted off "Well I'm hungry and I've had enough of this, come on and finish...enough is enough!". As the man went on she exclaimed "Oh now this is just ridiculous! He keeps going on and on! Make him stop!" Eventually he did stop, on his own but just before he did she got up and lumbered over to the buffet table before anyone else had. The son of the deceased man gave some final words before the closing and he said..."I know a lot of people want to talk but we have run out of time and we can all continue to share our stories over dinner together".....as he said this she bellowed loudly from the buffet table in the adjoining room" Yeah! we're out of time because he hogged it all! Now none of the rest of us can say anything!". I could imagine Elaine and George in this room taking it all in as it happened. It was just hilarious, but maybe you had to be there.
The thing about this experience that makes it worthy of re-telling it to you though is that as I sat there quietly in my seat, listening to people give their speeches about the deceased and listening to live musical numbers performed by this mans extremely talented family....something rather strange began to happen. Two worlds collided. Let me explain this to you as delicately as I can.
The person who died was black, his wife is white. As a person who has attended traditional services for both white and black people I want to tell you that depending on the religion and customs of the person who is being celebrated these two groups do things quite differently. I have been to black funerals in the baptist church and they are truly something to talk about if you have never been to one. The service starts out with a preacher giving a sermon and people listening and commenting as it is being said. Anyone who feels something at the time it is being said will just express agreement or whatever they are feeling. It is not uncommon for people to be loudly exclaiming...."THAT'S RIGHT!" or "UH-HUH!", or "SWEET JESUS IN HEAVEN HERE US!". This is a normal thing in a black church setting. It is not a normal thing in most traditional white churches. It is not a horrible thing for a person to express themselves, but it is just not something most white congregants do. I actually like the idea and I think it's therapeutic and fitting.
Anyway, after the sermon this is when things are radically different. At a white service, it is just over. People may mingle afterward or those close to the person who died may say a few words but most of the time everyone will go somewhere to eat and continue the conversation in a fairly subdued manner. In a black church, this is when it is just beginning.
After the preacher steps down, usually a choir will sing and the music is quite powerful and rousing. People may dance, they will join in, it's truly a celebration of the person who is gone. Things settle in a bit and people will just get up one at a time and go up to the microphone at the podium and talk about the person who has died. They will even feel the moment and sing with everyone joining in. This will go on for many, many hours. The last service of this type that I attending was still going after 4 hours. I had to leave as people were still talking.
My point in telling you all of this is because of something that happened at the service I attended last night. It was straight out of a Seinfeld episode which was fitting because the service was held on the upper west side of Manhattan where Seinfeld was actually set. I am still laughing when I think of it. Towards the end of the service, an African man was asked by the deceased mans family to speak about him. This man had a very thick accent and was hard to understand and he was not properly holding the microphone up to his mouth as he spoke. This made for an awkward moment. No one could understand him and he did ramble quite a bit. It was at the end of 2 hours of listening to people speak and I think people were ready to get up and go to the buffet table and eat at this point. An elderly black woman sitting next to me started talking very loudly as if no one could hear her. At first she declared "Oh come on! No one can understand this guy!". Now everyone was sitting in very close proximity to everyone else and it was pretty easy for the entire room to hear her. Then she stated "Oh he is just going on and on!! No one wants to hear this! Stop talking!". At this point I think I slid down in my seat a few inches when people began to turn their heads and look back at her. She proceeded to have a severe coughing fit and dig through her gigantic suitcase sized purse for a cough drop. As she did this she said out loud, as if she was the only person in the room, "Oh I just can't find it, where is it? I need it now!" She was talking about her cough drops I'm sure, but it was just so bizarre. As the mumbling African man went on she spouted off "Well I'm hungry and I've had enough of this, come on and finish...enough is enough!". As the man went on she exclaimed "Oh now this is just ridiculous! He keeps going on and on! Make him stop!" Eventually he did stop, on his own but just before he did she got up and lumbered over to the buffet table before anyone else had. The son of the deceased man gave some final words before the closing and he said..."I know a lot of people want to talk but we have run out of time and we can all continue to share our stories over dinner together".....as he said this she bellowed loudly from the buffet table in the adjoining room" Yeah! we're out of time because he hogged it all! Now none of the rest of us can say anything!". I could imagine Elaine and George in this room taking it all in as it happened. It was just hilarious, but maybe you had to be there.
The icing on the cake occurred as I mulled around and chatted with people at the buffet table. An elderly woman began to talk to me about how she knew the deceased. I told her how I knew him and the minute she heard that I was in healthcare she told me (over my salad and sandwich) that she was incontinent and had big problems with this. She also happily told me about her physical therapist who taught her how to do kegel exercises and that after doing these for a week her incontinence was seriously improved. Then she said to me "I just thought that would interest you considering what you do for a living".
With that, I promptly finished my sandwich and left.
That's all for now :)
