OK, which one of you is messing with my head?

I'm sorry I don't have one of those fabulous inspirational, informational blogs that makes you want to be a better person or enriches your mind or whatever. This blog is basically a mishmash of whatever with a little bit of crazy thrown in. I'm about to tell you something so strange that you may question my sanity but I am a bit freaked out and I want to vent a bit before I go to bed. I realize I am risking you thinking I'm crazy but, whatever. If you have a weak stomach or you are irritable and don't want to listen to a lot of senseless rambling, get out now.Here goes....

I went out today for quite a while. I live alone.When I came home, I went to my bathroom. What I found there was not something I expected. I'm going to try to be be as frank as possible without grossing you out. There was something in my toilet that I did not leave there. Get the picture? At first, I thought maybe I forgot to flush but then I remembered, I didn't go before I went out. I am sure of it because being on Weight Watchers and being obsessed with the happenings of my bod I am really aware of these things. I follow the workings of my body pretty closely. I know for a fact that the item in question was not produced by me, it simply wasn't one of mine. I know what mine look like and that one was not born from me. Have I totally lost you yet or should I continue?

At this point I was getting scared but I knew I was alone in my apt and no one was lurking. After losing my keys last Friday night and getting the extra set from my ex, no one has my keys now, not even my landlord. For a minute, I wondered about the plumbing. Could something have backed up in there? I don't think so, not something that already went down and even so, that thing was not mine!

In the midst of all this, I spoke to a friend about this to try and calm myself down. Being upset and a little freaked I told him the situation. He was completely silent for a second and then he said "how can you be sure that isn't yours?" I went through the whole thing with him again and we reasoned out a few scenarios and none of it made sense. He told me to take pics of it for some reason so I did, "evidence"and all. At this point he mentioned a guy he works with who is an ex cop and he said we should call him and ask him if I should file a report. Can you imagine it? "Officer, there is poop in my toilet and I don't know where it came from, please send a squad car over stat". That would be a classic down at the station. "Hey Bill, remember that crazy call we got about a random drive by turding 3 years ago?" Anyway,I felt really stupid but he called the guy and the guy called me back and I told him the sitch.

His first comment was "how do you know it's not yours?" I went through the whole thing AGAIN with being on WW'ers and knowing my body etc etc. He actually said "oh yeah, my wife is doing that too". We talked about it for a bit and he said I could file a report if I wanted to but there was nothing they could do. He sounded a little disbelieving of me too, even he, a NYC cop. They've heard it all and he said he never heard one like this before. I could tell he thought I was nuts and he probably wanted to laugh at me. I wish I had a DNA kit to prove that thing wasn't mine. I really want to be vindicated on this one


Here's my question to you, if you came home and found that in your toilet and you knew it wasn't yours, what would you do? Would you question your sanity? The plumbing? Your forgetfulness? I've told this scenario to a few people and everyone responds with "how do you know it's not yours?" People, do you really not know what came from your own body? I guess I'm a sick freak because I look, yes I do. Maybe I've been listening to too much Dr Oz lately, but looking at it helps me see if what I'm eating is agreeing with me and what I need to tweak in my diet. Am I getting too gross and graphic for you? Well if I am you are a pussy and you don't belong here, run along now.

I'm actually wondering if it was the locksmith who changed my lock back when my ex fucked me over and was acting insane. I changed the lock about a year and 1/2 ago. That locksmith asked me out three times. I bumped into him twice after the lock change. Losing my keys Friday night also seems connected to this. What drama that one was! I was locked out in torrential rain and remembered that I gave my new set of keys to my ex when we got back together for a brief while (yes I am a complete asshole and need to be yelled at and mocked severely by Dr Phil, Dr Laura, Judge Judy and whoever else is nasty and yells at stupid women who give their ex's their keys like I did).

Anyway, he ran over here quickly so I didn't have to pay a locksmith to get me in. The good part was at the time of my call for help, he was on his way to a date with some chick who is even older than me (WOW) and has a kid. This after he said he wanted someone younger than me. My drama kind of put a damper on his date. Good on that I say after all the pain and heartache that man caused me. I still adore him and love him and I am eternally grateful to him but damn did that man ruin me and he has no idea what he put me through. I also mocked him and told him to have fun with his 'laday friend". That actually felt pretty good.

Good God I am tired and confused and have a headache just telling you this disjointed story. I can only imagine the agony you must be in after trudging through it all. I imagine I must sound like a total tangential, hyper mental patient but its called "venting" and my filter is off right now.
Anyhow, now I'm a little nervous to sleep here tonite alone and I'm wondering where this this monster came from. And how was your day?

Thanks for Sharing

"Thanks for sharing". There are quite a few times lately when I feel compelled to say this but I smother the impulse. This is sort of an offshoot of my feeling about "attention whores" but not quite as severe. Let me give you some examples about what I mean here.

I am currently treating a patient who lives in a public housing project and has a few questionable characters coming and going from his place that I occasionally run into. I am so immune to most inner city grit that it takes a lot to make me wince these days. I've pretty much seem and heard it all from walking in on someone having sex to seeing people smoking crack and spotting bloody hand prints all over a hallway surrounded by crime scene tape. Oh there was also the time I walked into a building and there was a man in the small lobby with a huge suitcase full of money wide open. He just looked at me (he knew I was there for my job and that I was not a threat) and said..."not today Mama, come back tomorrow". I said thank you and promptly left.

Considering all of this I don't know why someone telling me they wet their pants shook me a bit. It's kind of silly after all I've heard in the past but this one was just crossing the line for me. I was in the above mentioned patients home and a women who looked like she had been around the block quite a few times came in to give my patient some cleaning supplies for his home health aid to use. She asked if she could use his kitchen to change her pants. He looked at her with a quizzical look and said...uh, no. Now why she didn't ask to use the bathroom is beyond me, but I didn't want to give her any suggestions or get into it with her so I just stood by and watched in fascination of what was to come. She went into the kitchen to put the cleaning supplies away and he apologized to me for her presence and whispered that she was a nice person but a bit crazy. Within a few minutes she came back into the living area where we were and she leaned toward me and whispered to me in confidence, "I'm sorry, I wet myself". She said it in an intimate way that made me feel like this is something she thought that I do all the time too and that I would understand it. It was so strange I just said to her, "Oh wow, that's rough, glad you're OK". We had our moment and she left and I am still thinking about it two weeks later.


After barely getting back on my feel from this experience yet another moment of sharing occurred yesterday. I work with a Translator/Escort who I love dearly. I never felt that I needed someone with me on a daily basis, I feel that it slows me down and safety is not something I worry about. The language thing is a concern for me though because my knowledge of Spanish is limited and it is handy to have someone there for moments when I really want to communicate with people on a deeper level. My Translator drives and this is a godsend because I am currently being forced to take cases that are very far apart and there is no way I could be working on foot lately without him driving me from place to place. Yesterday, I had to stop at a friends apartment while working to pick up something and take him some baby wipes because he had no hot water in his building to bathe. He just had foot surgery and is unable to walk or go out so I offered to do the legwork for him. After stopping at the store and picking up the wipes, my translator casually said to me, "oh yeah, wipes are great I always keep a pack here for when I have sex in my car. " This statement was followed with DEAD SILENCE and me screaming WHAAAAAAAT? Don't get me wrong, I am not a prude and I do not care what this 20-something guy does in his car but be aware that I am SITTING in that very car 5 days a week and my mind instantly wondered if I was perched on the "sex spot" on a regular basis. The interior is leather so that calmed me a bit but I had to ask..."you do this in the BACK seat right?" He laughed and said yes and we were OK again. But now, I have an image of him getting it on in this car and I will never again rest easy in it.

As a warm up for tomorrow's Dirty Paper weekly review I will share with you some celebrity TMI (too much information) moments. Naomi Watts reveals that she likes to return clothes that she has already worn to stores for a refund. That's nice isn't it? Jason Biggs admits that he likes to wear his wife's ex-boyfriends boxer shorts. (Huh??? does this make him wacky or something, should I feel something here?). Kid Rock took a bathroom break on the couch of a music promoter because he felt that the guy didn't provide his band with enough perks. Niiiiiice. Klassy guy there. Thanks for telling us about it too. Oh, Jessica Simpson revealed in front of a concert hall full of spectators that she passes a lot of gas and that it smells like roses. Sweet, huh? Topping off the celeb thanks for sharing list is Britney Spears own Mama who has written a tell-all book which reveals that her daughter lost her virginity at 14, took drugs at 15 and started drinking at 13. Happy Mothers Day Lynne Spears, you're the best.

Oh have I told you that I pooped this morning and it was shaped like the face of Jesus?...oh wait a minute, I though I was talking to Dr Oz...my bad.

That's all for now :)

Attention Whores

Have you heard this phrase lately? It seems to be gaining popularity and for good reason. The world is just full of these people and it seems like it is just getting worse everyday, or maybe I am just noticing it more.


Yesterday, we had a "tropical storm" here. there was a driving, pounding rain and winds of up to 50 MPH. It was not fit for man nor beast outside. Most normal people hunkered down inside and would not even think of going out. I even got a call from the emergency system via my job warning of the severe weather conditions and an advisory to stay indoors.


Taking all of this into account I am genuinely wondering why is it that some people decide to go to the beach in a situation like this? There were several stories about people attempting to go surfing and going for rides in their boats despite warnings about the potentially life threatening conditions at sea. They showed a man in a boat with two small children trying to go out for a ride. He was stopped by police several times and still, he kept at it. If not for the fact that he had those children with him I really think a guy like that should be left to his own devices. Someone that simple needs a good scare. There was also a story about a guy who decided that he thought 12 foot waves would be really cool to go surfing in. What on earth is missing in the brains of these people? The thing that really kills me is that emergency services people actually risk their lives to save people like this. They are akin to people who race with the bulls. You don't see police in Spain trying to talk people out of this dangerous event do you? They just let people go off and do it and that is that.


A few months ago we had two people in one day scale the New York times building. It was a spectacle. People lined the street to watch. Police were stationed at nearly every floor trying to save these idiots. Now I could understand if mental illness was involved but it wasn't. Both of these individuals were trying to prove a point. Don't ask me what it was now, I have forgotten but it was a social statement for both of them. Couldn't they have just donated to their causes? Was it really necessary to do something that required that much manpower and the time and energy of rescue teams? They even endangered people on the streets below. What if they had taken a fall and landed on some poor schmuck that happened to be walking by on his way to get his lunch or something? The nerve of these people just infuriates me.


Today I am just disgusted with attention whores. That is what these people are. For some reason they seem to feel the need to do attention getting things and to be heard. I would bet they are also loud talkers in public places. "LOOK AT ME", that is what these people seem to be saying. From now on, I think we need to leave these people be. If they want to walk on a ledge on the 40th floor of a high rise, let them. If they want to drive their cars onto an icy lake "just to see", let them. Unless they are putting the lives of others at risk and we are sure they are not mental, they deserve whatever fate they bring on themselves.


The famous version of this would be someone like Paris Hilton. She lives for having her photo taken. She walks out of her house with her hand in the air waving and her tiny dog peeking out of her giant purse. She even made a sex tape that she seemed to be quite proud of. She is an embarrassment and quite frankly I am shocked that she has "fans". Who on earth are these people?


Right now I am watching this horrendous infomercial on TV ,and it is an ad about some colon cleansing program. I clicked to this channel and the very first thing I heard was some guy with badly dyed hair and terrible skin saying "the majority of Americans are walking around with 5 to 25 lbs of compacted fecal matter in their digestive systems!" He then went on to say that we should be "eating and releasing" (nice phrase there huh?) 3x a day and any less means we are carrying around at least 5 lbs of poop that is killing us slowly. He even went into detail about how he watched his small daughter poop and that he was amazed at how large her deposit was in comparison to her body but that he has learned that it is healthy and that we should all be making mammoth drops. It means we are completely cleansed and healthy. People, this man is what we call a FREAK. The attention whore part of this is obvious, he wants to sell his colon cleansing pills but can you imagine making your mission in life using the word "fecal matter" in every sentence that comes out of your mouth all day long? Is nothing sacred anymore? Where is some restraint here? What in life lead this man to this point? Did his other career not work out? This must be a last resort for him. I refuse to believe he wants to be doing this. First Dr Oz and his poop talk on Oprah, now this? Why is poop such a big issue these days? Please, I am publicly begging here for society to stop talking about poop at every turn. I am at wits end with this.

I just don't know what else to say here. I seriously wonder why people are so needy like this and seem to have no boundaries and sense of how to behave in public. From the common man to celebrities to sales people trying to scare me into using their product...have some class and restraint. You might be surprised at how good it feels to just shut up about your darkest secrets and use your common sense from time to time.

That' all for now. :)

Dr. Oz

In my last post, I mentioned my annoyance with Dr Oz. For anyone who doesn't know who this man is, he is "America's Dr" and has been named as such by the almighty Oprah.Dr Oz makes regular appearances on Oprahs' show to tell us what size, color and shape our poop should be. Yes dear reader, he actually says the word"poop"ad nauseum. Now I'm not a squeamish gal, but I really never considered Oprah as my go to person for extensive discussions on poop and it's properties. Where was she that horrifying morning after when I experienced the work of BLACK squid ink pasta on my digestive system in the 80's? I really could have used her poop expertise then to calm my fears and to assure me that what I saw in the bowl that day was perfectly normal and that no, I was not hours away from organ failure and certain death. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to her for the input now, but it's just unexpected when I'm looking for something to pass the time for an hour. I rarely watch her because I am a working person, but every once in a while I am home early or off from work and find myself face to face with the 4 pm TV slot that she inhabits.

The funny part about Dr Oz is, I have actually had contact with some of his patients. My line of work and his line of work occasionally connect in a very 13th cousin removed kind of way. I knew about Dr Oz long before his Oprah appearances. Let me say that I think Oprah is doing a good thing having him on because America can use all the help it can get with health related information but for some reason Dr Oz just plain bugs me. He always seems like he can hardly believe he landed this gig on Oprah. I have a sneaking suspicion that Dr Oz is madly in love with Oprah and she is his forbidden fantasy. When Oprah hugs Dr Oz the look on his face and his body language seem to say "ahhhhh, I have finally arrived".

The thing that bugs me the most about him is that despite the fact that he is on television and obviously did not just arrive on the Oprah set straight from surgery.......HE ALWAYS WEARS SURGICAL SCRUBS. Dr Oz, if by some bizarre circumstance you are reading this I want to tell you it's OK, I believe you are a real Dr. As a matter of fact, I know it via my "contact" with you. Why must you wear your scrubs on Oprah? You are the Oprah equivalent of the lady at the Clinique cosmetics counter who wears a lab coat to help me pick out my lipstick. Can't we be real here? You are no doubt loaded, I want to see you in a dashing Armani suit. I will still believe you when you tell me that my urine should be clear enough to read a newspaper through even if you are looking well groomed and out of your scrubs. Really. I swear.

That's all for now :)