Musical Monday

Want to start the week with a laugh? This was sent to me by a new friend who knows I love a good one and I wanted to share it with all of you. I never understood this one when it was out and this actually seems to make it make some kind of sense. Enjoy!

Friday Hodgepodge

Don't you just love the word "hodgepodge"? It makes me feel like it's 1953 and I should in in someones "rumpus" room playing TWISTER! I used to love twister when I was a kid. As you can see, I am all over the place but I had a crazy day and it's Friday and I am shot ta hell so the plan here is:


1.)Unwind a bit by blowing off steam on blog that no one will read
2.)Take a nappy-poo
3.)Talk on the phone with crazy Aunt who tells stories about her wacky neighbors and co-workers and everything she ate today in lurid detail
4.)Do laundry
5.)Stay up goofing off till about 3 am, pass out. The end.

So this is what happened today. I have this patient who I had back in April, she's in terrible shape. Her son is a great son, he takes wonderful care of her, does her tube feedings, changes her, washes her, sits up at her bedside all night so she doesn't choke (she once did, now he's paranoid). So devoted son, established.

Back in April, I thought he may have liked me. When I say "liked" me I do not mean like Fonzie liked Joanie, I mean like Chachi liked Joanie, get my drift? I ignored it because the guy has a wife and she was pregnant at the time. I thought hmmm, I am almost sure of this but it just can't be so I'm gonna ignore this and choose to think I finally developed an ego after not having one for my entire life. I am the kind of person who needs a romantic interest to shove his tongue down my throat (I know sowy for the gross visual) for me to really believe a person is into me. I can't ever remember being confident in thinking anyone ever liked me before, ever ever ever. Unless a person says to me "I am interested you in a secksy way" I do not pick up on these things because the horror of me assuming it and it not being true would be just too much humiliation for me to bear. My ex used to tell me that I was really naive in this way and that men have things going through their minds that women would not believe. They look at a woman and imagine her naked and think about things they would do to and with her. He even added "we met at a funeral and I was so attracted to you that I thought about having sex with you while the funeral was going on, that's how bad men are." I asked Miguel my translator if this was true and his response was "hell yes". I still don't know if I really believe this but wow. Note to self: continue being grateful for being born without a penis.

So today I was in that house again and I got that feeling again. And this time I met this guys wife and new baby. I thought, wow, WTF with me and my ego? I must be imagining things, his wife and baby are RIGHT HERE! So I let it go. Saw his Mom, finished business and went to leave. I got to the door (down a very long curved hallway) and he ran over to ask me when I would be back next week. We were discussing the schedule and all of a sudden he grabs me and kisses me! ON THE LIPS! @@!!! To say I was surprised is an understatement. I instinctively repressed my urge to scream because the family was in the next room. I was totally dumbfounded. If ever there was a situation that needed the word dumbfounded to describe a mood or reaction this was it! I swung around and pulled away, I sort of did a ninja/matrix move on him, it was kind of funny actually. Even after this he invited me out to dinner! I told him I was married (right, I also dress up my 36 cats and have tea parties with them) and so was he and that wouldn't be happening. I couldn't go on because frankly I was afraid he would do something else and I did not want his wife to be upset or any drama.

I still cannot belieeeeeve this dude pulled this! I am in total shock. First, I'm in shock that he would see me like that and secondly I'm in shock that he would actually ACT on those feelings. Oh and I'm also grossed out. Really really grossed out. I ran out to the car with Miguel waiting for me and rinsed my mouth out about 6 times. And I can't believe I have to go back there again. Oh I'll be super professional and just do my job but I'm really gonna feel like I'm at the playboy mansion when I walk in there, with 'Hef" standing behind me while I'm dealing with his Mom.

So after this assault on my senses I felt like I needed to do something to balance it and get it the hell out of my head. I was walking to the subway and I saw a lady with her walker outside a building with a lot of steps and she was just resting. She was really old. I asked her how she was going to get inside. She said slowly. Then she told me that things have been so hard since her stroke and her arthritis was not helping her either. So I told her I was going to get her inside, carried her walker up the front steps and 3 flights (GOD DAMN) and can you believe she tried to tip me? Haha!

Then I came home and stuck an envelope with some $$ in my neighbors mailbox. They are the nicest people, hubby is a cab driver, wife stays home with the little kids. I was behind her in line at the grocery store a while back and she didn't have enough food stamps to buy all the food she had on the belt and she had to put quite a bit back. Since then I like to slip money to her. I tried to do it face to face but we do not speak the same language and she seemed really ashamed so I do it anonymously now. I highly recommend doing this if you feel like you want to donate money to something but you aren't sure it would go to the right place. After doing something with good intentions I felt like I had taken a karmic shower of sorts. Wiped the icky slate clean and restored balance, you know?

So that's all I got for ya, off to nap! Hope your week was a good one and your weekend will be even better :)

Fluffy Snow

Lets call July here "contemplation" month OK? Due to the nature of my melancholy mental state during July I am just going to go with it and get it out here. After all, nobody forced you to come here dammit! If it's too depressing, heavy or bo-riiiing take leave and go over the thesuperficial.com or something. ( Which, incidentally, I LOVE) I promise you that after the 31'st I will be back to my sassy, loudmouthed, vulgar self, k?

Today I was with a patient who was experiencing a lot of pain. The pain is something she is going to have no matter what and we both knew this. Part of my job is to give people ideas or strategies for dealing with things like this. They don't really teach you about this in school so you kind of have to reach inside your own personal bag of tricks in situations like this. Talking about medication, positioning, injections etc seemed pointless so I decided to talk to her about her mental state.

She is anxious and cannot sleep or get comfortable so I decided to talk to her about what I do when I am sad or stressed, about the connection between your mind and your body. Imagery. Saying a phrase that brings the image into your mind immediately and grounds you and then focusing on that image. And we did it together. As I described it to her she kept asking what I picture when I am trying to relax or feel safe. I repeatedly told her that my images would not be meaningful to her or help her, that she should go into her own memory bank to something that is meaningful for her. Even after explaining that she still asked so I told her.

My images are these: My phrase is " fluffy snow". The image is one of being in a forest where there is a heavy , fresh lightly fluffy snowfall. I am walking through it pushing past trees, mammoth evergreens and firs that are covered with thick layers of snow. I can hear the crunching noise under my feet as I make my way through. It makes me feel small and human and like I am part of something that is so much bigger than myself. This makes me give up my notion that I need to be in control and it helps me relax and just be part of something I really have no control over in the end. When I picture this I can feel the cold against my face and everything feels pure and good. I feel safe and at home.

Another image is that of the beach at my Aunts summer camp on the lake upstate. I am on the dock, which was a floating dock so when you lay on it every time a boat goes by it rocks back and forth and the waves sort of lull you to sleep and relax you. It is sunny and beautiful out and my Mother is laying on the dock next to me. We are taking in the sun, in our bathing suits and our hands are touching, sort of like holding hands. We used to do this sometimes, just touch each others hands like a...hey, are you OK type of thing. I am falling asleep and feeling very safe and loved and the rocking of the dock and having my sweet mother next to me makes me feel like all is right with the world. Knowing that I got to experience this makes me feel lucky and It is my way of holding on to something that means very much to me.

The last one involves a mountain in Vermont. My phrase is "Equinox". I close my eyes and think of the summit, of standing there with the sweet breeze and the town below. The complete peace and quiet, nothing but the sound of insects buzzing and animals occasionally saying hello. I also sometimes think of it in the depths of winter. I have never been there at that time but I sometimes think of places I find beautiful and have been to at random times and I wonder "what is going on there right at this very moment?" It must be snowing, dark, freezing cold, not a soul around for miles. Do you ever do this? I think I may be alone in this one. Every once in a while I imagine that it is winter and I am in my childhood bedroom in the big old Victorian house where I grew up. It is the middle of the night and I am on my bed looking out the window at the icy, snow covered street which is illuminated by one lonely streetlight. I am wondering what the future is going to bring for me, and yes I did this when I was a kid. I can hear the clanking noise of the steam coming through the old radiator that my mother used to put my mittens on to dry after I had been playing out in the snow all day. Everything, every house is pitch black and the only noise you hear is possibly a train way off in the distance or a truck on the highway coming through this teeny tiny town in the middle of nowhere.

So back to business. After my patient and I discussed this, she said to me, "those images are so meaningful, more than just picturing a beach or something like they tell you to do when you meditate". I thought about what she said , and I guess she has a point. As I get older, my memories of things that happened long ago are just so vivid. They seem to mean something to me that they never did before. I've always been a thinker, always over analyzed things, always see things in ways my friends do not. This always used to make me feel like something was wrong with me, like why couldn't I just enjoy life and stop seeing things as such hugely emotional events? Now I see this as a blessing. They used to make fun of me and say "you'd feel sorry for a pen without a cap!" I don't think I'm quite that bad but suffering or sadness, while it may be a very necessary thing for our growth, well it just bothers me so much and I hate to see anyone feeling bad. Even if I intensely dislike someone who is disrespectful to me I will still feel bad for them if they experience misfortune. I'm not above taking some mild glee in someone "getting theirs" but with something more serious, I do feel regret for them.

Even when I was a teenager I was like this. I remember driving to the grocery store at sunset in my mothers car. I liked to go later in the day so I always went at night or late afternoon. I remember getting out of the car and always feeling so blessed and lucky at the huge backdrop of mountains behind the store. It was like a shelf of trees and peaks and behind them was a mural of pink and yellow and blue and purple and orange and gold as the sun set. People around me would be hurrying in and out of the store but I would always just sit there for a few minutes and watch it no matter how much of a hurry I was in. It seemed a crime to not watch it. I was always keenly aware of how lucky I was and that it probably would not be in my life forever.


I guess I will end this mumble jumble of thoughts here with this: everything seems to have an expiration date doesn't it? From milk to aspirin to relationships and even people. When a person dies, the phrase "expired on (enter date and time) is actually written to describe that the person died. Some people and situations/relationships just last longer than others and all we can do is try and remain "in the moment" and appreciate everything around us because it can ,and more than likely it will disappear in a heartbeat when you were not expecting it to. I think that the many losses I have experienced have made me like this, always aware in the back of my head that at any moment it could all drastically change because for me, it has quite a few times. I see my appreciation of life and the people in my life as the result of my past traumas, which makes those traumas worth living through. Unfortunately, most people do not significantly grow or learn anything unless they are in pain or suffering, We usually do not learn when we are content and happy. I never take life for granted, mine or anyone else's around me. Look around you and enjoy it all at this very moment! I'm glad that I have along the way... :)

That's all for now

That's all for now :)

Froggy went a courtin'

Courtship. What is this? Someone said the word "courting" to me yesterday when I was relating a budding friendship I am enjoying. She said, "ohhhh, you're being courted!" It made me laugh because it's not true at all but the statement did provoke some thought here.

I have always felt as if I was born at the wrong time, the wrong era or even century. Even though I fit in quite well, I have some wonderful relationships and I like my life just fine, there is something about the pace of the world that sometimes makes me feel off. Like I'm trying to catch up after being asleep for many years. So the courting thing came up and it made me wonder. What was it like when people actually courted and does anyone still actually do this?

In the dictionary, courting is described as "the act of wooing a woman". The very word "woo" makes me giggle. I don't think l I've ever been woo'ed in my entire life and I've had quite a few relationships and dated. The idea of being woo'ed makes me smile. From what I could gather, "courting" is also something that is seen in Christan circles. In this environment, it is something people do when their goal is marriage. With that, it involves no physical contact. The couple gets to know each other without physical intimacy and the resulting emotions that come from it which cloud their judgement. In other words, a guy who is really good sexually would not be able to get away with being a thoughtless, insensitive douchebag because there would be no sex to distract from his douchebaggery! Same goes for douchey women too, of course.

Come to think of it now, my ex and I did this. Oh not forever, it was for a 2-3 months when we first met. That seems like an eternity now. We used to just be together and talk and have dinners and watch movies and we would cuddle but there was nothing more. It wasn't that we didn't want each other because we really did, but I was determined to see what would happen if we did this and really got to know each other. It lasted for over 8 years and we are still in each others lives as the best of friends because our bond became so strong. I seriously wonder if we would have cemented our relationship like this had we been physical in the beginning. I've never waited that long for anyone and I've never had a relationship that good or lasting so I'm really wondering if not jumping into the physical aspect is what made this different from any relationship I ever had before or since. Coincidence? I really don't know. I am seriously verklempt though at the thought of my ex liking me as a human being so much that he was willing to wait because I was worth it to him. Don't think I'll ever see that again in my lifetime , so I feel grateful that I did get to experience respect and genuine, pure love from a man like that.

When I think of courting I think of the 1800's or the early part of the last century, the 1900's to the 1940's. It makes me think of a couple sitting on a porch (otherwise known as a veranda or in the parlour on a couch called a settee) with the girls mother and father nearby and lemonade and cookies being served. The couple in question are always supervised and the boy/man is called a "gentleman caller". It seems so sweet to me and old fashioned. It makes me want to use words like "gingerly" or "genteel" or even "milquetoast". Milquetoast is a truly stellar word that I think is greatly underused considering all the milquetoasts in this world.

Anyway, the way things are now is bordering on tragic and when I think about it, it is truly no surprise that people get married and divorced at an alarming rate. I'm not a person who thinks about marriage. I never played wedding when I was a kid and I never imagined myself doing it. I'm sure there are many reasons why I am like this, but I'm more into partnerships and I like the idea of going through life with a "partner in crime", you know? In comparison, I think the fact that people sleep together immediately doesn't help. I've been guilty of this so I'm not being judgemental or prissy but thinking about it, I see why it totally shifts the dynamic and changes the way two people relate and even listen to each other. Why can't anyone wait for a few dates? I've dated men who expected some action on the very first or second date and when they didn't get it they gave up on me. There was one that gave me an ultimatum! I was very young, early 20's and I had only gone out with the guy twice. He demanded sex and when I said no he said goodbye. If he had not been such a colossal douchebag and demanded it, he very well may have gotten it. The funny part is, that after we parted it began to snow furiously and it was 2 am. I got into my apartment and was all settled and cozy and my phone rang. I let the machine pick up. It was said douchebag leaving a message begging me to pick up the phone because he was locked out of his apartment and had no where to go at that time of nite. He was basically stranded in the snow. My friends, I had always wondered if Karma existed but that night, it was confirmed for me that it did indeed.

Much of dating now is people looking for something that doesn't even really exist and having completely unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is or will be. Internet dating or "dating from home" has really added a whole new dimension to the whole issue too. I think that many people who do this have the notion that there is always someone better than the person they are talking to and it almost becomes addictive, always looking forward to the next "high" from the next person hence, people rarely make any real headway or form any true friendships or relationships. Everything is disposable, including people.

The thing that bugs me the most is that no one wants to work or wait for anything anymore. It's instant gratification or on to the next. I wonder why so many people seem so shallow now and so unable to take responsibility for their behaviors and actions? No one seems to want to wait for anything. It reminds me of that crazy beeatch who called 911 because she ordered a combo meal at Mcdonalds and they were out of McNuggets and she wanted those damned Mcthings Mcbadly enough to get the Mcpolice involved. There was another woman who called 911 when her Chinese food was delivered and it was the wrong order. Then there was the wingnut who started it all with a lawsuit against McDonalds after driving around with a hot cup of coffee between her legs, which burned her severely. And she won! Unbelievable! And these people were serious. It makes me Mcfurious to even think about it.



I sometimes think that if I could get into a time machine and go back to 1898 I would. Sure, there were some pretty bad things about being a woman then and I would probably end up in jail or on the lam with my bold personality and big mouth but I wish I could experience the niceties of that time and see what it was really like.

Confessions Of A Frustrated Drag Queen

First of all, I want to start this post by telling you that today, the angels sang from above because I found a pair of jeans that make my ass look really really amazing AND they are super comfortable AND they were 50% off! Little did I know that they were "premium"jeans. I don't believe in spending a lot of money on jeans, it's stupid really but I wandered into a well known boutique that had a big sale going on and there they were. Can you believe that these jeans were originally $200!! So yeah, I paid $100 which is still insanity but as far as I'm concerned anything that makes me look skinny-ish and hot is worth the benjamins to me. Oh, they are "J Brand" in case you were wondering and they are the absolute softest pants I've ever tried on. They are black and I want them in denim too. They seriously make me feel so sexy and un-dumpy...end of rave and down to business.

So I was with my close friend, mon ami, mi amiga, my partner in crime if you will, and we shopped till we dropped today here in NYC. T'was a gorgeous day and we ended the day at a wonderful restaurant where we sat outside and drank an entire pitcher of St Germain champagne cocktails between us. Mmmm! And I am a non-drinker. St Germain is a wonderful liqueur from France that is basically elderflower cordial. It is so refreshing, it tastes like something between grapefruit and lychee. It is just delicious! I am really not a drinker except for my occasional champagne, and that mixed with St Germain is truly a treat.

As we ended our day, we stood in Times Square saying our goodbyes and we somehow got sidetracked as we chatted about these adorable hair clips I bought today (they look like bees with rhinestones all over them). She casually mentioned, "oh yeah I have so many hair accessories, I am looking really hard to find a decent Marie Antoinette wig that I can put on my dresser on a stand and just place all my hair accessories all over it for display.".....so that was the comment that started: CONFESSIONS OF A FRUSTRATED DRAG QUEEN.

I loved the idea of a powdered wig like that. It made me smile. Then I admitted "you know, I love things like that. I had a red boa that I used to walk around the house in". My friend replied, "OMG, I have two!".....and so it began.

Let me preface the craziness I am about to admit by telling you that I am the most down to earth woman you will ever meet. I wear yoga pants and a tank from Target or Old Navy to bed most of the time. I've even bought underwear at (*winces*) COSTCO in the past. Did you know that judge Judy buys her undies there? Well yes, she does. I wear jeans and sneakers everyday and I walk everywhere all day long. I'm pretty fuss free. That said, there is a part of me that is the dirty alter ago of this salt of the earth girl next door that I am 90% of the time.

This woman does kooky things like wandering around her tiny apartment in her underwear, red feather boa and her high heels when she is home alone and wants to feel special. She also drinks her water from a champagne flute. Yes, the crazy thing is, I do very ordinary things when I am prancing around in my get up. Like washing dishes, cooking some eggs, scrubbing the tub, whatever. If someone was watching me through a crack in the wall they would probably be laughing at me hysterically. I would imagine that the sight of me in my skivvies and heels with my boa while making a sandwich is a sight to be seen. There is no bigger annoyance then having to rip off your boa and heels and toss on a bathrobe to answer the ringing doorbell for the UPS guy or your landlord. I do not have my boa anymore but I seriously want to get another one. I really think that every woman should have a boa. It unleashes something in you, it really does.

The other things I have indulged in in the past were a tiara, a scepter and a corset. I know. WTF? Years ago, I bought a corset. I did not have a boyfriend, it didn't matter. It was for me. It was silver with black lace trim and it came with a garter belt. I used to wear my beautiful corset and garter with some heels and silk stockings while prancing around the house alone. Same deal as the boa. I'd do ordinary stuff in my corset. Pay bills, talk on the phone, make dinner, watch Jeopardy. That corset made me feel like a devilish vixen. I loved it. I loved lacing it up and having it give me a womanly shape, it was money well spent and as I said with the boa, every woman should have one. Even just for herself.

My tiara and scepter were gag gifts but oh how I loved them. Remember that episode of friends where the girls rent wedding dresses and wear them around the house because they are tired of being bridesmaids and figure they are never going to get to be married and get to wear a pretty dress? That is the story of my life. Not wanting to get married or anything but just doing things because I want to and not caring about what people think. I used to wear my tiara when I was baking cookies. I wore it when I was doing laundry. I wore it when I cleaned the kitchen. Have you figured out that I am nuts yet? I just may be. I really don't care. People that really know me get me. Maybe if more people gave in and wore their tiara's and boas there would be less stories about them snapping and killing their families or going apeshit at the post office with a semi-automatic.

I love anything that glitters or sparkles even though I can't wear it in my daily life. I am pretty hum drum day to day but there are times when I want to sparkle and feel special and if that means breaking out a boa, a corset, or a tiara and scepter then that's what I'm gonna do and you can put that in your judgey pipe and SMOKE IT!!

Yours Truly, Dame Edna :)

Pant free Friday :)

So I havn't "spoken" this week here. It's been a really slow, boring ass week to be honest with you. I've been feeling kind of out of body-ish lately too. Like going through the motions. I know I said this below but it's the time of year, it just drains me of all my energy and I'm a zombie for all of July. But something entertaining did happen this week. A little thing but I am still cracking up over it.

I have a patient, a man in his 80's. He is confused a lot of the time. This week he was totally lucid and in rare form. I would imagine that is his true personality and he was quite the charmer during our time together. I finally managed to get him out of bed and there we were walking toward his bathroom. He was wearing pajama's and the top was very big on him and long-ish so you could barely see his pants underneath the top unless you really looked down at his ankles. He was doing so well, he rarely gets out of bed for me. I was telling him how proud I was of him and encouraging him to keep going and all of a sudden he stops. He said to me "Oh no" I need a chair right now". I got a slight panicky feeling that I get sometimes when I think someone is going to fall or hurt themselves but I knew he would be OK. So I said to him "no, you can do this, we are going to keep going, there is no reason you need to stop". He kept insisting that he needed to sit. I kept insisting he keep going. See, I have to do this. Most people that I see are just fearful and need encouragement. I'm not a meanie, you just have to know when to push and when to ease up and with this guy, I knew he needed to be pushed. After a moment of silence between us, he finally leaned in closely and whispered to me "I can't walk anymore because I've lost my pants". I looked down and sure enough there they were, around his ankles. I burst out laughing and he said "You are so lovely and sweet to me, I have been trying to get your attention for weeks. so how do you feel about me now?" then he winked.

And that, was the sexiest thing that happened to me all week. Good times.

Breakfast of Champions

Do you know mangu? Please let me tell you about the wonder that is mangu. The pictures posted are of this tasty little devil. One is a picture of an abandoned, lonely and unloved mangu that I spotted on a step inside a building on 158th st in washington heights yesterday. This is the mangu that started it all for me. The other is of a very loved and cherished mangu in my lap that is about to be eaten CON GUSTO this morning!


Yesterday I was running down a flight of stairs in a crappy tenement building where I was working and lo and behold there was a take out container with a full meal and a fork sticking out of it right there in front of me. If I was a naive, stupid person I would have just sat down right there and eaten it. It appeared to have been left by someone who had to make a very quick exit. This did not surprise me because the building I was in is infamous for drug deals. Every time I go into this building there are a few shady guys hanging out in the lobby and it reeks of the strongest weed on earth.

So being the hungry fat chick that I normally am, I took a picture of this meal to show my interpreter Miguel. He was waiting for me outside the building. I showed it to him and I asked him what it was. "Oh, that? That's mangu." Mangu? What is thing "mangu" thing you speak of? It turns out it is a favorite Dominican breakfast of champions. It involves mashed green plantains that are cooked with some olive oil or butter and red onions. Some people add garlic, some do not, some add milk and they come out tasting like lumpy mashed potatoes. On top of the mangu you can have eggs (fried or scrambled), a solid piece of fried cheese, red onions fried and tossed in a bit of vinegar and thick slices of fried Spanish salami.

By the time I discovered the abandoned mangu, the breakfast hour was over in most places and mangu was not to be had anywhere. I had to have mangu. I was aching for some mangu like the heroine of a Danielle Steele novel yearns for the touch of her lovah. Miguel calmed my craving by telling me that he would stop by the legendary "Malecon" in Washington Heights (I work in this neighborhood as well as Harlem and Morningside Heights) and pick me up some mangu for my breakfast the next day.

I woke up this morning like a kid on Christmas day. My stomach was yearning for my promised mangu. I sent Miguel a text to remind him. We met and there it was. MY MANGU! I was trembling like a virgin on her wedding night as I popped open that take out container. I opened the container and the smell was intoxicating. The onion, the cheese, the garlicky salami, the eggs and plantain...it was like one of those pictures they have on the news with a very overweight person digging into it and the caption "OBESITY EPIDEMIC IN AMERICA"underneath it. I did not care. I wanted to become one with my mangu. And I did. To be honest, I could only eat less than half of it. It was so filling, I cannot imagine eating the entire plate.

I don't know what else to say about this except that I am very happy to have discovered this delicious gem and my wish is for all of you to experience the greatness that is mangu for yourselves someday if you havn't already!