The Gift

I know, it sounds like some schlocky Nicholas Sparks book doesn't it? Au contraire my friends!

Today, I was happily skipping through the day with the knowledge that it was FINALLY Friday. I've had a really bad case of the blahs lately, I'm thinking it's weather changes and my blood disorder situation or whatever. But I'm excited that I'm going to the Dr on Monday to get to the bottom of that so I was pretty OK with things today.

I have a wonderful patient who I seem to click with in a very nice way. She is Dominican, my Spanish sucks but I always have my interpreter Miguel with me to fill in the blanks so we always manage to connect. Anyhooo, I had to find a way to jump through bureaucratic hoops with health insurance reimbursement denials and I somehow got her insurance to cover quite a few things that she needed in her home to be able to safely bathe and dress herself and even to safely get on and off her toilet and in and out of her bed. Because of this, she does not need to bug her niece or her neighbor to help her bathe and dress herself. She does it on her own after today's session! She was so ecstatically happy, she pulled me into her bedroom and took my hand to her face and just said "Fussbudget, thank you!" (well, she didn't call me that but I will not reveal my true name here to you I will always be Fuss). She then cried a very hard cry and hugged me tightly and we just sat together for a minute while she hugged and cried and I actually started to tear up a bit. To see someone so grateful for me merely doing my job was really something. It touched me so much I can't even begin to tell you how it made me feel. It made all the irritating things lately not matter and it made me think of my own mother and what she would think.

I got up to go and she took me by the hand and took me to her dresser, she whispered something and she then tried to give me a necklace. I put it back in her hand and I told her no, no I do not accept gifts for doing what I am supposed to do. She became upset with me and I repeated to her that I am here for her, she owes me nothing, please never feel like you have to do something for me other than get well and more independent with your self care. That is my reward. She frowned and kept trying and got upset with me but I assured her I loved her without any gifts, it was OK, I would keep coming back to help her till she was better and not to worry.

I went to the bathroom, came out and Miguel and I left. We got into Miguel's car and he handed me the necklace. My mouth dropped. I screamed bloody murder at him. He laughed and said she was determined and she has a ton of jewelery and wanted to give that to me very badly. I made him call her and we put her on speaker, I yelled at her, Miguel translated, she laughed and told me to go out with my boyfriend and have fun while wearing the necklace she gave me.

The necklace matches the earrings I was wearing. It is something I actually would have picked out for myself. I love it. I got compliments on it all day today. I thought a lot about it today. I thought about how the people who have nothing are always the ones that give the most. This woman was a prime example of this. She lives on very little, she appreciates things people do for her and there is an authenticity to her that I connect to. When my mother died and I was left totally alone in the world with nothing and no one I became the authentic person I always used to admire. My mothers death was the event that made me who I am today. My life is now divided into two parts, during mom, and post Mom. She died on me , on my shoulder while I drove her to the hospital. She was the best friend I ever had, we were very, very close. I have no siblings and my father passed away when I was 5. We were everything to each other. After her death I was evicted from my apt and lost my job. My whole life basically crumbled and there was no one, one one to go to at the time.

Because of the lack of support from others , I had a very real appreciation for every thing anyone did for me or gave me. I was genuinely, truly humbled. I knew that no one had to do anything for me or help me in any way but when I was truly down and out, there was always someone there who had their hand out to me and pulled me back from the precipice I was dangling from. About to be homeless? Apartment came though. No money to survive? Job came through. It was magical. It was as if I was born again and I became extra sensitive to people around me and my interaction with them. I began to feel "protected" in a strange way. As if someone was watching over me and making sure that I learned my lessons and came out of that time intact and ready to use those lessons I had learned to help others.

I remember looking for a place to live and a nice landlord came down on the rent for me after learning of my story. I remember having no money for food and a new friend gave me her food stamps. I remember having no way to buy clothes and having lost a huge amount of weight. Once again, there was a kind person I barely knew who bought me underwear, of all things, and a few pairs of pants and some tops. My shoes had holes in them and I took duct tape and taped the bottoms. I went like this to my new job at the time and sucked it up till my first paycheck when I could afford the shoes.

I cried a lot during those days and I wondered why God, if he even existed, would leave me here alone like this to suffer. I journaled, I really thought a lot about my purpose and I vowed that if I had to go on living, I would make my existence matter in some way. I wanted to be one of those people who helps other people when they are having their tough time like I did. I try to remember this everyday. When I get caught up in stupid petty stuff, I stop, take a deep breath and I look at my shoes. Looking at my shoes is my reality check. I look at my shoes and I remember what it was like be wearing shoes that you are embarrassed to be wearing. True story.

Today,whenever someone becomes emotional about something I've done for them, I see myself in them. I remember what it felt like to have angels in my life that seemed to come out of nowhere when things were at their worst and all seemed hopeless for me and my life. Lately I have felt so lonely for my mother and some of the old feelings of sadness and wondering why I'm here like this with no family have crept back into my brain. I guess its normal to have feelings like this from time to time, any thinking person does right? The difference now is, I feel like I found a purpose and I try to contribute positive energy to the universe on a daily basis. When I don't feel like getting up, I get up and I thank the universe for waking me up with another opportunity to help someone who may be having a much worse day than me. I rest at night with the feeling that if I died tomorrow or even today, I tried my best and managed to make some sense out of some unimaginably painful events that I never though would make any sense ever. Yep, this is what I'm going to think everytime I touch this beautiful necklace.

That's all for now :)

The Perfect Man

OK, I really hesitated to share the feelings I'm about to share with you here. I did. I worried that I would offend people, that I would come off as a bitter opinionated asshole, that I would even make people angry. But then I said to myself, " self, it's your blog. No one is reading your drivel anyway so who exactly are you shielding from your potentially offensive opinions?" And away we go......

I was talking with a good friend the other night and we got to discussing dating experiences as women and what to look out for as warning signs in a guy to avoid. It all started with the discussion of Yoga. Yes, Yoga. so I'm going to tell you why a man who does yoga is something to be avoided for me amongst other things that I've noticed over the years. These things turned out to be repeated red flags that I never should have ignored.

1.) Men who are into Yoga. It seems OK right? A man who cares about his health, fitness, being in shape?? Right? WRONG. Men who are into Yoga have ALWAYS, I repeat, ALWAYS turned out to be flakes with issues. My feelings were validated by two other women who had similar experiences. I'm sorry, but they have for me every damned time. Now women who do Yoga, well...usually and I say USUALLY they are OK. They just want to stay in shape. some have annoying Gwenyth Paltrow tendencies and really grate on my nerves with the stick up their butts and their elitist snotty attitudes, but it's not something that I ever noticed as a rule for all women who do yoga. Men who do Yoga are usually men who think they are "in touch" with their sensitivity. This would be...WRONG. Men who proclaim their sensitivity are usually the biggest assholes on earth which brings me to...

2.) The sensitive man. You know the type, the lesbian trapped in a mans body? He loves women so much he's practically an honorary woman. He keeps track of your period mentally and knows when to bring you your chocolate and tampons and trashy magazines. You're so happy you finally found a man who "understands" you, right? He may even claim that he realizes that we are the stronger sex, we are more evolved and men are cavemen, but when it all boils down to it, he will only be truly sensitive to his own needs and not yours. He may be able to pull it off for a while ,but usually his true bastardy antics show themselves and you wonder how he ever fooled you in the first place. This is the kind of man who makes you look for a guy who eats ribs, drinks beer and watches football.

3.)Men who love cats. Yes, male cat lovers are usually troubled individuals. I don't know what else to say here except that it's true. If you are a man and you love cats and especially if you own more than one, I'll bet you've been in a therapists chair for at least half of your life. If you haven't, you know you've needed to for a long time and you really should. :(


4.) Your name is Gary. I'm sorry Gary but I never met one of you who did NOT have a drinking problem. Why is this? And Gary's are always complete nutbags ready to snap at any moment. Once I knew a guy named Gary who had a cat AND he did Yoga. He was a triple threat. He had a chronic smile plastered on his face but you always got the feeling that Gary wanted to kill his entire family if he knew he could get away with it. He basically "ran away" from home to go work at Disneyworld. Honorable mention goes to Seth, Ian and Jason. My ex was a Jason, he was the most beautiful person I ever knew, till the end. Then he became demonic and hurt me very very deeply. He used things that he knew about me to hurt me as deeply as possible. He was vicious. Even though I have good memories associated with him, Jason is a name that I have had bad experiences with. I never met a nice Jason. All of them were the biggest underhanded douchebags. True story.

5.) Men who are Vegans. Come on, we are here to enjoy life, why would you do this? Yes, it's terrible to eat "anything with a face", I've heard it all before. You don't think animals would eat us if given the chance? Of course they would! Does it make us eating them right? No, it does not but there is something about Vegans that is almost cultish. Vegetarian's aren't as bad. I can see being a vegetarian, I go for long periods without eating meat but for health reasons I need it and cannot go without it on a permanent basis. It is even hard for me to eat more meat and I have tried lately but I find it difficult. The funny thing is, everyone I ever told that I was dating a vegetarian when I was dating one responded: "oh, that's rough", and they shook their heads knowingly. Everyone just knew.

You see, I do not eat to live, I live to eat. Food is a gift, it enhances my life and I enjoy it to the fullest. I am a health conscious person, I keep my weight down, I watch my calories, fats, sodium etc....but I would never cut out entire groups of food, never ever ever. I cannot fathom not eating a cookie because it has butter and eggs in it. It's unthinkable for me. I probably eat ribs not even once a year but when I want ribs I do not want those crap ass Morningstar Farms fake soy ones from the freezer section at the grocery store. I want to haul my ass down to Virgil's or Brother Jimmy's and put my bib on and go to town, thankyouverymuch. There is no way in hell I want to be with a man who makes me feel like I murdered my dinner or that I am morally bankrupt because I need the iron in beef to prevent me from needing a blood transfusion due to my anemia. (I know there are other sources so don't tell me about it, the B12 that I lack is in meat, plain and simple).


6.) Any man under 37 years of age. I'm almost wanting to say 40 here to be on the safe side but I think as long as we are out of the mid 30's you'll be OK. Yes, I know, it's random and seems crazy right? WRONG. for some reason. Something happens to a man at around 37. He finally begins to "get it" I know, I know, there are always exceptions so do not tell me about the guy who was 39 and the biggest asshole you ever dated. In general, most men in their early and mid 30's are crazy, confused flakes. They realize that it's not cutting it to just have casual relationships anymore. They may even SAY (SAY is the key word) they are looking for something serious when in fact, they are not ready to to take the leap to something more serious and committed. No matter what you say, I will always look at any man under 37 as being a very high risk dating experience if you want more than a few laughs and a physical relationship. They are good for this but nothing more. There are NO exceptions to the rule, sorry. no one and I mean no one gets by on this one. Even the married ones or the ones in relationships are ticking time bombs ready to blow at any minute.

Oh, here is a little tidbit for you on what to expect with these men, I would place a bet that if a man at this stage in his life breaks up with you, you'll get the "it's not you it's me" routine. I have always been tempted to quote the legendary George Costanza of Seinfeld fame when I've been on the receiving end of the "it's not you it's me routine"... " You're giving me the "It's not you it's me" routine? I invented that routine. Nobody tells me it's them and not me, if it's anybody it's ME!

The other popular break up method is just completely pretending you do not exist and cutting you off without so much as a word to let you know they are finished with you. This usually happens when you are getting along very well and they seem really interested in you. That is what makes the "Houdini" so shocking and unbelievable. This has happened to me a few times and after speaking with girlfriends they also experienced this. I would have thought it was me if others I know and love had not also experienced this. Men who do this are disgusting cowards with no respect for you and even less respect for themselves. They treat others as play things who suit their fancy at a particular time and then ,when they see a flashier toy or the newness wears off they get the compulsion to move on. They are gutless wonders who prefer to just mentally erase you from their brains and move on without giving you the courtesy of an explanation. 'nuff said on this one. Most of these men fall into the under 37 age range.

OK, so I guess I've managed to offend quite a few people at this point except for Gary, he's probably wasted off his ass and doesn't even understand anything I just said. "So who's left, who can I trust oh wise, experienced sage?" Is that what you are asking? "She seems to have eliminated all men on the planet, is there anyone who passes her rigid standards?" Why yes dear reader (I have always wanted to say that). His name would be Peter Griffin and he can be seen weekly on the show "Family Guy".

That's all for now :)

The Shadenfreude Follies

OK, this week I got to thinking about scandal. You know, high profile people who get themselves in the paper and on T.V for their personal indiscretions? I was thinking about this because David Letterman was in the news for this very thing last week. I titled this post as I did because schadenfreude is defined as "delighting in the misfortune of others". I know, it sounds really awful doesn't it? It happens quite a lot though in our world today and these types of scandals are prime examples of this phenomenon. Eventually I will come up with a positive spin on this and use the Buddhist concept of "mudita". This is defined as "sympathetic joy" or "happiness at anothers good fortune". For now though, this seems to lend to a bit more fun, no harm intended.


Apparently Letterman had flings/sex whatever with female staffers who worked for him. A man who was in a relationship with one of the women Dave slept with decided that his own personal debt and financial responsibilities to his ex wife and kids were too much to bear so he chose to come up with a plan to extort money from Dave. Problem was, Dave called him on it and came out with the whole story, admitted everything and was not falling for the bribe this guy was counting on. He even made a joke out of it. Now here's the thing for me. Is anyone, I mean ANYONE shocked at David Letterman sleeping with female staffers? I mean come on. I would be more shocked if he didn't and frankly I do not care. Unless someone was drugged or raped or forced into it, how is this a scandal? Dave wasn't even married when it was happening. The only thing this whole ordeal accomplished was that it made the guy who came up with this genius extortion plot look like a complete tool and I feel sorry for his kids at having this douchebag for a father. This wasn't even worth the time it took to tell the story.

Looking back, I'm recounting my all time favorite scandals and I challenge anyone to disagree with the juiciness of these events.

My top scandals are(to be done as a Letterman top ten list even though there are not 10 listed here)......*drum roll


6.)Bill Clinton's Monica Lewinsky"I did not have sexual relations with that woman" with honorable mention going to "I did not inhale"when discussing smoking weed. Lets be honest, I love this man, I do. I know he is a horrible hypocrite and has made some really terrible choices and has questionable judgement. I loved how people were "shocked" at a president cheating. This has been happening for many many years. The difference was, Clinton was really stupid about it and got caught. This was not the "best" scandal but it was definitely the most sensationalized.

5.) Republican senator Larry Craig and his "wide stance"explanation in denial of soliciting gay sex in a public restroom. OK, these types of scandals are particularly good, I relish them. They just might be my favorite type of scandal ever. I love it when a really *republican Conservative family values* type of guy gets caught with another man. It is infinitely better than him getting caught with a woman. People that are judgemental, rabid haters of anything deserve this type of public humiliation in my opinion. Craig basically stuck his leg in another mans stall in the bathroom and tried to solicit sex from him. He later explained that he was doing nothing of the kind and that he just had a particularly "wide stance" and was trying to pick up a piece of paper. The wide stance was his reason for his leg being in another mans stall. Yes, "wide stance". Good try dude. Good try. On an even better note, someone is currently trying to bring a play called "Wide Stance" about this whole situation to Broadway. Is this not delicious?

4.) Ted Haggard, Evangelical preacher, soliciting a male prostitute as well as doing crystal meth with his prostitute/boyfriend. He basically did this with the same guy for 3 years. The meth just added to the greatness of this one. Here is a guy so repressed and gay hating that after this scandal he went into "counseling" with four yes FOUR ministers who tried to "cure" him of his gayness. Do I detect shades of "Bruno"anyone? He even made an appearance on Oprah with his wife to get it all out in the open. Anyone who goes on Oprah is at a level of desperation and damage control that is at peak intensity. This gayness, it's an evil thing, dontcha know? It needs to be wiped out according to these folks. One of the ministers actually declared him "completely heterosexual" after his sessions. Haggard himself has recently said that he is "a heterosexual with issues"....................... *and the Fuss wrinkles her nose and moves on to the next*.............................

3.) I really don't know if I would call this one a scandal per se and there is absolutely NO schadenfreude at all in this one but Travis the Chimp losing his shit and ripping off his owners best friends face is totally up there for me. It is up there because of the way this animal was raised. His owner appears to be a seriously crazy woman. She socialized this chimp to the point where he was toilet trained, opened doors with keys, dressed himself (he wore clothes?), fed his owners horses and watered plants. He also ate at the table, drank wine from a stemmed glass (SHE GAVE HIM WINE?), logged onto the Internet and used it, used a T.V. remote and watched baseball, drove a car and brushed his teeth with a waterpik. His owner even took baths with him and they slept in the same bed. WHOA. Basically, he went insane and ripped his owners best friend face off, literally. In this case, I am not going to blame the animal. It is obviously not the fault of the chimp, the owner is the one whose sanity is in question. She gave him xanax earlier that day. And who takes a bath and sleeps with a chimp? No matter how lonely I've been, it never occurred to me to do this. Oh sure, I've dated guys that were probably not half as charming or good looking as this chimp and I even slept with a few of them in my darker moments but........a chimp? No, no, never in a million years. Sorry, nope.


2.) BLAGO! Ahh yes, my personal fave. As you know from my former posting on this man, I sort of have a thing for him. I can't explain it, it only happens when I am sleeping, it is that buried in my subconscious. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich basically was arrested on federal corruption charges. He was accused of conspiring to commit mail and wire fraud and solicitation of bribery. What does all this mean? Well, after our sitting president Barack Obama was elected to the office of president, Blago tried to "sell" Obama's vacated senate seat to the highest bidder. And he got caught. Now I'm not excusing this at all, it is WRONG, plain and simple but I am going to assume that this kind of thing goes on all the time and that he was not the first to do this. That said, he was an incredibly corrupt man in many ways according to all the information out there on him and his activities. The trial is set for June 3, 2010 and I will be there with bells on, or at least I will be putting in for vacation at that time and I shall watch it in fascination with snacks and my comfy sweats on.

At the peak of the scandal, Rod went on a two day media campaign and appeared on Today, The View, The Early Show, Good Morning America, Fox News , CNN, MSNBC where he insisted on his innocence and proclaimed that he would be vindicated. I think he may have actually believed what he was saying and this was the best part of it all. He was so incensed that anyone would accuse him of the things that he had actually done that he denied it all the way. Even in the face of overwhelming evidence, he continued to feverishly deny it all. His delusional persona seemed to be everywhere at the time, it was impossible to escape. It became comical, a freak show, if you will. Just seeing his face made people shake their heads and/or laugh. Impeachment proceedings resulted in his conviction and he was removed from office.

Some interesting little tidbits on this one, Rod actually insisted that his aides carry around a big hairbrush for him at all time so he could maintain his hairstyle. An article in the Chicago Sun times suggested that several psychologists believed that his hairstyle may be indicative that he suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. His wife Patti actually appeared on the T.V reality show "I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!" last year. Rod himself starred in a Second City musical titled "Rod Blagojevich Superstar". Oh and by the way, Blago admitted that he actually considered offering Obama's vacated senate seat to Oprah. Yes, Oprah. Chris Matthews even agreed with him on this one. Hmmmmm.



1.)And the top scandal coming in at #1 for me is......************drum roll*************************** Self righteous, rabidly anti prostitution New York State Governor Elliot Spitzer gets caught with high priced hookers! Oh my, now this, this was a good one. Here was a man who was loathed by many many people. A man who became known as "client # 9" to his hooker bookers. He even used the name of a very close friend of his as an alias. The ego of this man was and is just unbelievable. One particularly juicy tidbit that was released was that Spitzer wore "calf length black socks while performing the sex act". WOW. Are you as turned on as I am? The best part of this is, Spitzer made somewhat of a career in busting prostitution rings and in being Mr Morality over the years. He screwed over quite a few people who didn't deserve it in trying to make a name for himself and the schadenfreude component to this one was just over the top. I remember reading that people were literally skipping down the halls at the state capital in Albany after this one broke. Not a single person felt bad for this man but plenty felt terrible for his beautiful wife who, as usual stood by his side looking frozen from the shock of it all.

I'm going to conclude with an honorable mention of former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy and his "I am a gay American" speech . This was a pretty entertaining one but I never really felt anything for either party here. The former Gov made the mistake of appointing his boyfriend as homeland security advisor for New Jersey. This guy had absolutely no qualifications to do this at all and I think that was the beginning of the end for Jim. During his messy divorce trial a former aid to the gov came out and said that he had been having a three way affair with the gov and his wife for years. The gov confirmed this and the wife obviously denied it. When the scandal broke, he went on T.V and gave an over wrought speech about his situation and the best line was "And so I stand here before you, as a GAY AMERICAN"...it was just great. I could not take my eyes off the screen. The whole gay American thing was hilarious to me. His wife had a weird half smirky smile and people commented about her off expression for weeks. Both parties made the requisite Oprah appearances. He is now studying to be an Episcopalian priest and has a male partner. She seems really bitter and was pushing her book for a while.


Oh there was one more Gov scandal that I barely want to mention. Remember the one with the South Carolina governor Mark Sanford disappearing for 6 days in June 2009? He reappeared and admitted that he had been in Argentina with a woman he had been having an affair with? This stupid man turned off his state and personal phones and did not respond to any messages for an entire week. People thought he was missing. He was supposed to be governing his state for Christ sake! Had he maintained contact the whole thing probably would have gone unnoticed. In the following weeks he made some really over the top statements about this woman being his soul mate etc etc, really TMI sort of admissions. He just needed to shut up and stop talking. He annoyed the crap out of me and even giving him space here is making me irritated. 'Nuff said on that one.

So there you have it. I'm popping my popcorn and settling in for the next show. It's going to be a long cold winter and I have a feeling a good one is brewing!

That's all for now :)

Big Pimpin'

So I've been away from here for a bit. Frankly, I've been pretty glum lately with my health issues, people being assholes and the time of year. I have been hating summer and the humidity and heat and I do love fall but sometimes it makes me sad for some reason. Today, was the best day I have had in about a week and a half. Let me share with you, Okay?

I was assigned to a new patient. For those of you who are confused, I am a home rehab therapist. I go to people's house's/apartments here in NYC and give them therapy if they need it. I work in Harlem and Washington Heights, not the typical neighborhoods that tourists think of as NYC. There are some colorful things and people in these areas that only real New Yorkers get to experience.

Before arriving at my new patients house, I read the referral as I usually do. This is basically a brief blurb summarizing the current situation. The part that alarmed me was this, and I quote "patient has gotten rid of the ducks he states were donated to park but still has 2 chickens including a dead chicken in a box and 1 hen remaining which he reports will be gone by the end of today." OK, I'll admit, I've seen a lot worse than this so this really didn't freak me out at all. It just made me wonder, what on earth am I getting myself into?

I walked in and introduced myself to Mr. Smith's aide, Verna. I asked Verna "where is Mr Smith?" to which she replied with a head jerk toward a back bedroom. She also rolled her eyes in a way that made me wonder if she was warning me or disgusted with him or both. I plowed ahead as I always do, took a deep breath and entered the bedroom. There he was, all 350 pounds of him, sitting on the edge of his bed with his portable commode in front of him and two cigarettes burning a hole and leaving singe marks on that commode. I introduced myself to him and my evaluation was underway. Mr Smith ,as I'll call him, initially creeped me out. I'll admit, there are times when I will walk into a place and think to myself, dear God, I hope I do not have to come back here. This was one of those situations. This man smokes to the point of me barely being able to breathe and my clothes smelled like an ashtray on leaving him. This is going to be a problem but let me tell you the good parts.

I got the basic stuff out of the way, asking him questions about his functional abilities and as I did this, all of a sudden, the voice of Susanne Pleshette came through the window. Remember her? Bob Newharts wife in the original Bob Newhart show? She had the serious manly, froggy smoker voice? That was the voice I heard. I looked at that window and there was a head. She was scolding Mr Smith about something and he got irritated with her and told her to leave. He then told me "that lady is my better half". A minute later, she came though the door and into the apartment. She turned on a Michael Jackson DVD and proceeded to take a shower.

I finished my evaluation when all of a sudden, a hen, yes, a hen came out of nowhere and began to peck at me and chase me around. I guess he couldn't bear to part with her because she was still living here despite his promises to get rid of her. My reaction to this was one of hysterical laughter. Verna, the mild mannered aide came in and began to laugh too. Mr Smith then explained to me that he keeps her and has had her for years. He then asked me if I wanted a dozen eggs. Apparently, his hen lays an egg everyday and he eats them. I looked around and sure enough, there were a few eggs in odd places. As we spoke, I heard clucking and there were occasional pecks at my legs. The beauty part was, I actually became used to it. And I began to talk to the hen. Mr Smith then explained the hows and whys of hen egg laying, where roosters come into the picture and all that good stuff. My mouth was wide open for much of our interaction. I was in total disbelief that of the situation I was in.

I told Mr Smith that I needed to leave but that I would be back later in the week and we would start our therapy at that time. He was down with it and he paid me a compliment on being pretty OK with his situation and thanked me for not judging him. That was nice. I actually liked him.

I went to the front door to leave and I could not get out. The door was broken. Even Verna the aide could not get it open. She whispered to me "this place is CRAZY!" She yelled for Mr Smiths "better half" to get out of the shower and help us get the door open. In the midst of this, the hen began to chase us around. Enter Ms. Better Half, completely naked from her shower, a crazy hen clucking and the three of us pushing the door open.

I got outside and you know something, I felt ALIVE. Better than I have in a few weeks. And I was smiling a mile wide smile. And I laughed all the way down the block. I met up with my Spanish interpreter Miguel at my next patients house and told him about the last one and he said to me "wait a minute. Did he live in the first apartment on the right?" I said yes. He said "I know that guy, the nurse I used to work with saw him for years. He used to sell goldfish to the neighborhood kids from his wheelchair. He brought them in a shopping cart and hung out outside the school. They were really nice too. Oh and he used to be a pimp and that lady was one of his prostitutes." OK, after that whopper I screamed "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?". It was just the capper on the whole scenario. And it really made my day.

Today, I went to visit a former pimp, who used to sell goldfish, has his own personal hen, lives with one of his old prostitutes and offered me a dozen eggs. I also got locked in his apartment, chased around by his hen and freed from the the broken door by an elderly naked former prostitute who sounds like Suzanne Pleshette and a bewildered home health aid named Verna. Yes, it was a very good day. :)

Hot Rod

Courtesy from my favorite site as of late peopleofwalmart.com, what the hell? There are just no words. What is a person supposed to do in this scenario? Walk up to this car and say "do me"? I am going to place a bet that the person driving this is fug. Wow. Just...wow.

Comfy commute

Seen this morning on the subway platform while I was waiting for the train to go to work. No one thought this was strange, no one wondered why someone decided to dispose of a chair on the subway platform and this guy took advantage of it while waiting. Wish I got there first.

A relatively short and tediously boring note about the Fussbudgets' whereabouts...

I was about to write something witty and exciting for you tonight until I had ANOTHER weird health issue today. Remember the blood clot thing in my leg I told you about before? Well today, it happened to my hand. All of a sudden my hand got blue and swollen and it hurt like a mofo. It is so excruciating I cannot even begin to tell you what the pain is like. Thank God it is my right hand (I am a lefty). As I write this I am feeling a bit better after icing it, taking some narcotics and wearing a splint. I know, I sound like your 73 year old aunt who talks ad nauseum about her Dr appts. You love her but enough already? Right? I'm sorry, I just wanted to say something since typing and writing is very hard right now and I am not doing my usual. I am wearing a splint for support and I am making tons of typos so my regular banter will have to wait a few days till this nasty thing clears up.

I did have to go to the Dr AGAIN today. Twice in two weeks is a bit much for me. As I walked in he said "what are you doing back here?" and I said "I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU AND CAN'T HIDE IT ANY LONGER". That is the kind of relationship we have. Thank God he is a charming, fatherly man whom I adore. Oh, and he calls me "young lady" and anyone who does this is on my A list. The latest is, I now need to go to a hematologist. Apparently something may be wrong with my blood. My lab results from 2 weeks ago were strange in a few areas. Today was a challenge. I realized how much I take having two working hands for granted. I was at a loss for:

-Opening a pill bottle (did it with my teeth)
-holding a glass to drink from (used other hand)
-making dinner (had a peanut butter sandwich)
-buttoning and unbuttoning my pants (did it but it was searingly painful)
-showering
-taking lids off my face cream jars
-tying my shoes
-locking my door
-holding and opening my cell phone and texting
-EVERYTHING

Anyway, my opiates are kicking in and I am feeling that floaty feeling and the room is beginning to spin a bit so I will leave you but I think I will be back this weekend. This will probably take 2 to 3 days to heal and allow me to function normally again. After the past two weeks I think I may have to resort to the big guns and contact Justin Timberlake. Maybe he can assist me with bringing my sexy back. It has really taken a beating with all this nonsense lately and is on hiatus.

In the words of that wise sage Mick Jagger: WHAT A DRAG IT IS GETTING OLD :(