WHAT IN HOLY HELL?

OK, let me just put this right out there and purge myself of this awful, awful truth. I HAD A SEX DREAM ABOUT ROD BLAGOJEVICH!!!! ACK! AAAAAAAAAACK! Take a good look at Joyce DeWitts expression in the post below and that is EXACTLY how I felt after waking up from this afternoon horror.


I use this blog as a personal sounding board and I don't pretend to be too cerebral or topic focused here. Either you can take it or I'm annoying as hell and you run away. With this recent turn of events, even I want to run from here like hell but I'm hoping that getting it out here will cleanse me of it mentally.

I think this may have been precipitated by too much sugar. Let me explain. Today, I was with my interpreter Miguel and we decided to go to Fairway for some grub. Fairway is a fabulous grocery store here in NYC. At one point, I meandered over to the bakery section. The bakery is not a crappy in store bakery. You can smell the butter and the offerings are something like you would make for yourself if you were a respectable baker. I love sweets with a passion, but I normally do not eat them except for my daily dose of chocolate. If I could live on one food and one food alone it would be a toss up between bacon and cake with fluffy icing. Today, I was feeling blah and stuck in that crappy mood that I told you about yesterday so I made my way to the cupcakes.

I love cupcakes. I love everything about them. They are your own personal dessert. No one can ask you to share your cupcake, for it is yours and yours alone. Anyone who does have the nerve to ask for some of your cupcake is a caveman and needs to be taught some manners in my opinion. Asking to share my cupcake is like asking to wear my underwear. It's that personal to me. Never, never ask me for some of my cupcake. Ever. Just do not ever do this. You have been warned. I love cupcakes so much that if someone I hated brought me cupcakes, I would reconsider my hatred for that person. So, me+ cupcakes= a very happy girl, established.

After we finished our shopping we got in the car and I ate my cupcakes. I bought two mini cupcakes, not the giant ones so it really wasn't a huge bingey thing for me...*dateline announcer voice*...OR SO I THOUGHT...I saw my last two patients for the day and made my way home. I became progressively tired and I felt a huge wave of exhaustion washing over me. My blood sugar levels were surely rebelling. The time has come for me to admit, I cannot eat crap anymore (*covers the ears of cupcakes so as not to hurt their feelings*) without paying a price.

As I entered my apartment I immediately got undressed. I usually do this normally, I am the just this kind of woman. I tear my bra off the minute the door is closed and I usually follow with a shower. It's a ritual, I have to wash the city off of me after running around in it all day and I need to decompress and feel comfortable. Today was just something else though. I couldn't even get into my comfy house clothes. I jumped into my bed nekkid and totally passed out.(I always nap nekkid but that's another issue) It was as if I was in some bizarre sort of coma state. I just could not move!

So here is the disturbing part. I was in one of those half awake, half asleep type of states. It was enough for me to know what was going on and I felt like what I was dreaming was really happening. So tell me this...what sick demented part of my sugar laden coma brain manufactured a sexual encounter with BLAGO? I am shaking just thinking about it. I had a feeling of repulsion while I was dreaming this and I even woke up with a grimace on my face! It was just the most unsettling dream I have ever had! I'm actually afraid to go to sleep tonight again! The REALLY icky part of it is, I was sooooo into him, I wanted this fab four delusional reject so badly! I am disgusted to admit, this but I absolutely could not get enough of him. I felt myself actually trying NOT to wake up from this raunchy debacle. There was a common sense element watching this in my brain that was horrified and ashamed but I went with it anyway. It was a bitter battle between my conscious and my subconscious self and people, IT GOT UGLY. Oh and in case you are a sick bastid and want to know, yes, he was VERY good. As a matter of fact, this douchebag took me to heights I have never reached before and the very thought of it simultaneously sickens and thrills me. People, this man was HOT HOT HOT. Just telling you about this makes me want to boil myself, it is that unsettling. Have you ever been simultaneously repulsed and turned on? Yeah, me neither. Talk about inner conflict.

Frankly, I am so grossed out right now by this I think I may not be able to eat a cupcake for oh...at least a week or so. If he was my elected official I would be furious with him and want him to sink into obscurity but as a National Enquirer loving bystander I think his delusional over the top persona is screaming out for his very own reality show. Food for thought. OK, that's enough, I need to move on and put this behind me. OMG, you want to hear the worst part? I was talking to a friend about someone after this "dream" and I actually referrred to the person we were discussing as "ROD"!!!! He seems to have permeated my brain! Even my friend admitted that he would probably be fun to hang out with. Dear God in heaven, what is happening to me here? The man has no forehead...AND I LOVED IT. *shivers*

If there is a higher power I really hope that s/he will let me be and bring me some David Beckham or Simon Baker as consolation for the horror I endured this afternoon.

'Nuff said.

Come and Knock on our Dooooooor!

.....The cops are waiting for yoooooooou! :(

Just what is going on lately? Is it officially ruin my 70's memories month or something with all these random people dying and now a drunken mug shot of Joyce Dewitt of Three's Company fame has been thrust into my face? Is nothing sacred anymore? In case you do not remember her, she played Janet,the non-bimbo, good girl foil to Suzanne Sommers Chrissy in the 1970's sit-com "Three Company". I must admit I did crack up when I heard someone actually say out loud today "I've lost all respect for Joyce Dewitt after seeing this"....to which someone else responded "wait, you had respect for Joyce Dewitt?".

What on earth is going to happen next? Is Ron Howard aka "Opie" going to be arrested for cooking up goodies in his kitchen meth lab while running a call girl ring? I don't think I could survive any scandal surrounding the remaining Golden girls, please TMZ, leave them be.

Driving drunk to begin with is a monstrously selfish and murderous deed in my mind. First of all, you are subjecting everyone out there to your impaired abilities and your unbelievable lack of respect for human life to be doing something like this. The ego of someone who drives drunk just astounds me. All that aside, being famous and driving drunk is even more unbelievable to me. You're famous FFS! Get arrested and it will be all over the news! You couldn't call a cab? Couldn't ask a friend for a ride or something? I honestly do not understand the mind of someone who gets behind the wheel of a what is essential a few thousand pound weapon and thinks it's OK. People that do this repulse and disgust me to the point that I cannot even verbalize my intense dislike for them.

Anyhoo, this was not intended to be a rant on my hatred for drunk drivers it was a shout out to those who remember this lady way back in the day when she was a cute little thing prancing around with John Ritter et al down to the Regal Beagle to hang out with that creep Larry.Can you believe she's 60? Despite the drunken mug shot I think she looks pretty damned good for her age!

Peace out Ms Dewitt, hope ya learned your lesson, at least you don't look as bad as Nick Nolte in his mug shot!

The Thin Line

WARNING: morose entry, heavy duty, if you're looking for lighthearted fun, see ya tomorrow!

Did you ever have something happen to you, an event so pivotal in your life that it completely changed you as a human being and left life as you knew it in the dust? For me, it was the death of my mother. On July 31, it will be 14 years ago. Every July, I fall into a terrible hazy, numb state. I feel like I'm just going through the motions with everything. It's not even an active depressive state, it's like a biological clock sort of thing where my very being is transported back to that time even if it isn't something I'm aware of. My body knows it's the anniversary even if I do not think of it in my conscious brain.

I start feeling a strange emptiness, an irritation with people who complain about silly things. Usually, I'm not even aware of why I feel this way till I look at the calendar. Then it hits me. This year, the trigger for me is a patient I am treating who reminds me of my Mother. She is dying. She knows it and so does her family. Everyday, she is worse than the day before. My purpose is to make her comfortable and help her family figure out the best ways to bath, dress, feed and transport her from her bed to her wheelchair to her shower. I have to order the proper equipment for them, teach them how to use it and just make sure things go smoothly for them in this way.

The thing is, every time I visit her, she pulls me toward her and I end up sitting on the bed with her for an hour and 1/2 and we hold hands and talk and laugh.I am actually supposed to be there for 30 minutes but I enjoy her so much I choose to stay on my own time. At this point, I am the only one who talks to her like she is not dying. I ask her about her life, what she did for a living, what are her best recipes and can she give them to me, was she a good dancer, what are her favorite songs/books/movies...etc etc. Once, I had a lovely patient who was very depressed and very sick and used to cry all day and not want to get out of bed. He told me that he used to live for taking his late wife ballroom dancing every Saturday night and he missed those times. I bought him a boom box and some big band CD's and asked him to teach me how to dance. Do you know that this man who was so frail he could barely walk to the bathroom could still cut a rug and swept me off my clumsy feet? I used to visit him three times a week and I looked so forward to it. We would laugh and carry on. He even used to listen to the music late at night when he was alone and couldn't sleep. When he finally did pass away I went to his funeral and his family brought the music and played it during the wake,. It was really a wonderful tribute to him. This is not part of my job. But I always do this with people who are near the end. There is something so important to me in knowing who this person was while they can still tell me before they go and their flesh and blood presence is gone forever. I feel so full inside when they light up and tell me who they were/are. Their pain seems to vanish, they become animated and they leave the sick bed and become a regular person again even if only for an hour.

This may sound really strange but the most sacred part of this for me is that it gives me a feeling of being closer to my own Mother. I know this might sound really creepy or ghoulish but I feel like the line between here and the other side is thinner near a person who is about to go. Does that make sense? It's not as if I'm "using" them. I just feel like it's a very sacred thing and a privilege to be with a person who is transitioning like this.

Today was a bad day, I cried like a baby a few times remembering my Mother and the day she left me. I don't know why I'm feeling so melancholy lately but it just seems to be washing over me like gentle, lapping waves...back and forth, ebb and flow. I won't allow myself to think of the circumstances of her death right now, I just can't. It puts me in bed for a day. Instead I'm going to choose to remember the two important pieces of advice she gave me the week before she left me when I asked the question "what will I do when you leave me? I'm going to be all alone... How will I live without you?"

My mother knew this would be a terrible challenge for me having no siblings or other family. She simply said "never make anybody so indispensable to you that you think you can't live without them because you can and you will go on". She also said "lots of people love you, you have to let them .If you let them in, you will never be alone". Advice custom made for me. She knew what it was like to be alone after her parents and my father died and she knew what it was like to think you can't survive and go on and manage to pick up the pieces and do it anyway. She also knew that I tend to isolate and pull away from people. Those pearls of wisdom were spoken to me by someone who knew me better than anyone on earth 14 years ago and they still hold true today. I also have been remembering her telling me that I was put on earth for others, not myself. When I get really caught up in myself and me me me, I always pull this one out and it makes me see how silly I am being and that I need to take the focus off myself and try and be there for someone else.

Thank you Mom, for everything you gave me then and for everything you keep giving me now. xoxoxoxoxoox

To anyone who slogged through this downer of a post, thanks for reading and we will be back to our regularly scheduled programming tommorow!

Bathing Beauty!

The pic is blurry, you can't really see too well but you get the idea. Isn't it CUTE? And I HATE bathing suits. Being in my 40's is depressing as hell bathing suit wise ,but I decided to go retro and play up the 1950's bathing beauty type of look. This suit fit the bill perfectly! Ladies, this suit will make you feel like a pin -up! Throw on a wide brimmed hat, heels and strut around a pool and people will be bringing you drinks and fanning you! It totally hearkens back to Marilyn Monroe and Esther Williams type of "swim dresses" when women had that classy smouldering look.


I posted a pic (UNHEARD OF) of my body, as much as you're going to ever see, so you can see how amazing this suit is with all my figure flaws. I'm doing this for women everywhere to prove that you don't have to be a model to feel OK in a bathing suit. My advice to everyone out there is to try looking outside of the box with bathing suits. Do not go with trends, you know your body better than anyone. I knew that a bikini would have amounted to me being arrested or laughed at. I am VERY pale and I have very womanly pear to hourglass shaped body. The suit in the pic is from Carmen Marc Valvo. It is a knock of of a $400 (YEAH RIGHT!) Norma Kamali suit. It is totally 1940's- 1950's in feeling. Is has a lot of ruching around my tummy and butt and pulls down slightly around my hips giving me that WWII GI pin-up girl look. In this pic it looks a bit lumpy on me because of the angle of the pic (I have no full length mirror and was trying to get a lot in for you,) but on the model you can see what I mean. It actually has a strap that pulls up the bust that I am not wearing in the pic. You can see it better in the manufacturers pic. Incidentally, I could eat that girl for lunch, I fill this baby out a lot more than she does and it STILL looks gorgeous on even big 'ole me!

My other fave that I bought is from the classic maker Jantzen, it is gorrrrrgeous! The style is called "Retro Vamp". It covers all the bad parts and totally accentuates your assets. I beg of you, if you think you look like a disgusting blob and can't find a suit, check THIS ONE out and you will thank me. It's the one in the main pic. I love it in the black color and the red. It's also on the Macy's website. LOVE. Super flattering!

These suits are proof positive that there is hope for normal women out there! Check them out and by the way, ebay is full of them. I got the one pictured for $50 there instead of the list price of $167! Woo Hoo!

That's all for now!

How Is Babby formed?

Recently, the topic of sex ed has come up in discussion and I was taken back to my tender years and they way I learned about things of a sexual nature. I honestly do not remember the full story. My poor mother was worried that I was going to run out and get knocked up if she didn't educate me so she did make an admirable attempt. She needn't have worried about that because I was a fat beast that no boys wanted at that time and I didn't start seriously dating till I was 20.

I remember she bought this book, I can't recall the name, something like "Almost 12". Curious title isn't it? Is this the age that parents start to worry? On the cover was a girl walking through the woods looking all innocent and introspective. We read that book, it was pretty boring. I felt like I already knew everything anyway. I think I picked most of the facts of life up through my school friends. My Mom and I never talked about it again and that was that but I did always know that if I had any questions I could ask her and that was enough for me.

This brings me to a couple of hilarious offerings I've seen online lately. They are both not new but for some reason they really make me laugh and yes, I'm terribly silly when it comes to this stuff. The first one is from a Danish Children's book titled "How A Baby Is Made" from the early 70's. This thing makes me feel like an immature 11 year old again. I want to laugh and laugh at it. It's like the South Park version of childbirth. The baby looks like it's doing the baby version of "jazz hands" as it does the breast stroke and swims out of the mother. Look at the first pic above. Doesn't it look like this? This leaves absolutely no question as to where the baby came from. This book is the epitome of the 70's. I love the mothers pigtails too with those big purple ribbons. The second drawing needs to be subtitled "what's love got to do with it"? I don't think feeling especially "loving"has much to do with that if you ask me. The entire book is available for viewing HERE. I highly recommend taking a peek if you're up for some entertainment. The additional comments alone are worth the read.

The other funny that has cracked me up is this classic from Yahoo answers. I'm sure you've seen it, most people have. Yahoo answers is a service provided by Yahoo where you can ask other Yahoo users a question and they try to answer you in the most accurate way possible to help you. Here, a user with atrocious spelling and grammar asks how babies are made and another user answers in an equally caveman-esque way. Some wonderful person decided to bring the worlds attention to this embarrassment and make a video of it using knuckle dragging cavemen with Shakespearean accents as narrators of the interchange. I still laugh at this everytime I see it. It's a classic.

Take a peek at this one...

Fabulous isn't it?

That's all for now, have a happy 4th one and all :)

Down?

As if you had any doubt in your mind about my mental instability, I am going to admit right here and now that I went to the movies tonight and saw "Up". It was a cartoon, for kids. I usually stay away from these types of movies but I was bored and didn't want to see any of the other selections so I went with this one. Hear me now people, this movie made me cry, I mean "needing a Kleenex" crying several times. Is a children's cartoon supposed to do this? I know they are supposed to be teaching lessons sometimes and all but damn, this was really intense for me. I won't tell you what did it because I don't want to spoil things for you if you plan on seeing it, but there were things that involved every aging person's worst fears. At one point, I was ugly crying. Thank God my companion knew me very well so I didn't feel embarrassed but the worst part was....he was crying right along with me!

Oh the movie was cute overall, I'm not trashing it. I'd recommend anyone seeing it. It was entertaining, funny in a kids movie kind of funny and it had a nice story etc etc. There were just some bittersweet, sad moments that took me by surprise. I certainly never expected to be crying at a Disney cartoon.

So if you are going to see "Up" and you are expecting lighthearted giggly laugh a minute fun, VIEWER BEWARE! And bring your tissues.

That's all for now :....(

OH NO THEY DI-IN'T!

People, I think the unspeakable has happened. I have been left speechless. Yes, it's true. I just saw the most ridiculous commercial for the most idiotic product I have ever ever seen. Are you ready?

OBAMA CHIA. Yes, that's right, the makers of chia pet have released a version that looks like the head of our president. Not only that, there are two versions to choose from. There is "determined" Obama and there is "Happy" Obama. What I really want to know is, why does he look like David Carradine? He really does. Look at the pics I have posted. This is not Obama, it is Carradine.

The ad copy is ridiculous. It actually says "can you grow one? YES YOU CAN!" Let's not mention the "hail to the ch-ch-ch-chief" that was thrown in there. Somewhere, someone is laughing hysterically. I wonder if McCain was our president if there would be a McCain Chia pet? I highly doubt it. I'm trying not to be offended because I hate people who are constantly offended but frankly, this offends me a bit. Look at this VIDEO! I keep expecting Andy Samberg to jump out and this to be an SNL skit or something. I honestly cannot believe it is real!

I have nothing else to say. Just nothing.