Yet another blow to my long lost youth :(

OMFGWTFBBQ! THIS IS UNREAL! CAN YOU BELIEEEEEVE THIS? NOOOOOO!

OK, got that out of my system. Just as I clicked to post my Farrah reminiscences, it was announced at that very minute that Michael Jackson had passed away. I was stunned. I must say that I once had a discussion with a very good friend about MJ and his bizarre lifestyle and he commented exactly this: "that man is going to die young and under strange circumstances". Prophecy fulfilled. The picture I've chosen to post here is one of the Michael Jackson I remember from the tender years of my youth, when he was still "himself".

When I was a kid, my Mother bought me a record player. Yes, RECORD. As in vinyl. Remember those? I had the Jackson's album "Triumph" and Michael Jackson's solo album "Off The Wall". I listened to them over and over and over. I did that thing that most kids do when they really love a song. I sang into the mirror using my hairbrush as a microphone. Of course, long before this I was obsessed with "Dancing Machine", "I'll Be There" and "Ben". There was just something infectious about this music and to this day when I hear those songs I feel the urge to get up and dance. I challenge anyone to listen to "Dancing Machine" and NOT get your ass out of your chair and dance. *Sings* ..."Automatic, Systematic.... full of color and self contained...tuned and gentle to your vibes."... If you're not dancing you are tapping your toes or wanting to dance but too embarrassed to try because people are around, right?.

I remember going away to college for the first time and blasting my Michael Jackson albums. He made the moonwalk huge even though it had already been done by Fred Astaire and others decades before. He modernized it. People tried to do this on every dance floor. He found a visual hook and ran with it. It became his signature and it really sucked in people in a hypnotizing way. And the red leather jacket from the Thriller video, that was everywhere too. Music, dance, fashion...Michael Jackson's influence was everywhere. He pioneered the industry for entertainers like Prince, Ne-Yo, Chris Brown, Usher and the like. I don't think Madonna and Britney would have made it like they did if he hadn't precluded them. He set a standard that wasn't there before as a real pop entertainer musically and visually. I really can't think of anyone who does what he did as far as writing music, performing it and producing it. He was a one man show really. The thing that really amazes me was that he became so huge before the existence of the Internet and ipods. Elvis and the Beatles managed this one too but Michael Jackson was something else entirely.

He was big even before MTV although MTV surely made him even bigger. Actually, thinking back now, he helped MTV more than it helped him. He once said that MTV actually refused to play "Billie Jean" initially. After they finally did, it broke an all time record and MTV was begging for more. Michael Jackson actually opened the door racially for Prince at MTV and in other arena's as well.

Michael Jackson represented my youth. What he became pretty much overshadowed his enormous talent in the end. I have no idea what was true or not or what really happened, but all the scandal does not erase his enormous talent. I don't think there was ever anyone else like him before or since or ever will be again. I certainly hope there will be. I read that he had a very large collection of recorded unreleased music and this may prove to be an interesting addition to his legacy. Time will tell on this one.

I'm not going to canonize him, I think he was an intensely unhappy, disturbed person. Perhaps this was the price to pay for his enormous talent and fame. I'm just thinking back on his influence and his positive contributions right now.

The deaths of two icons from my youth in one week is quite the jolt. I am not the type of person to worship celebrities but Farrah and Michael were popular when I was an innocent, unjaded person. They both entertained me and are part of my memory bank and for that, I would like to thank them both.

That's all for now :)

R.I.P Angel

I know, it's kind of shocking to hear me talking about Farrah. I'm pretty jaded and unimpressed with celebs but Farrah, well, she totally represented a big part of my youth. She passed away today after a long battle with cancer.

When I was a really blobby awkward kid, "Charlies Angels" was the hottest thing on TV. To be honest, I was totally in love with Jacklyn Smith. She was my favorite out of the three actresses in that show. I wanted to BE her. Her hair, body, face, she was just the perfect woman to my adolescent eyes. She still is. Kate Jackson was a man and Farrah was beautiful but I never liked that California all American look even though I liked Farrah herself. I remember when she was married to the "Bionic Man" Lee Majors. I never liked that guy. He was not even the slightest bit good looking. I can't imagine why he was a "sex" symbol back then. The "Angels" were all sex objects before breast implants and botox. I am thankful that I grew up during a time when women in hollywood may have been really gorgeous but I never had to compare myself to fake breasts and body parts that were humanly impossible for me ever grow or find in nature as it was intended.

At some point Farrah broke out of that sexy airhead stereotype and started playing serious roles like the battered woman vehicle "The Burning Bed" and on Broadway in "Extremities" in which she played a woman who turned the tables on her rapist. She even played a Nazi Hunter in "Nazi Hunter: The Beate Klarsfeld Story". It was pretty shocking to see her do these projects but even Cher busted a move in Silkwood and Mask that changed the way people thought of her too so those events sort of taught people not to make assumptions about female entertainers and that was pretty refreshing.

Farrah was also responsible for the extensive torture of my hair. I have very curly, difficult to manage hair. Imagine if you will, me forcing it into a Farrah "do". My head looked like I had glued two breakfast sausage links over my ears when I tried to do those "wings" that she sported. Actually, come to think of it I probably could have been mistaken for a Hasidic Jewish man. My Farrah "hair wings" looked more like peyot (those sideburn ringlets that are the mark of an orthodox Jewish man) than sexy wings. That should have been a "don't" for me but oh the pressure to look like all the other girls. Being fat and having bad hair really was quite the daily double for a pre-teen. I also lived through the "Princess D" and "Dorothy Hamill" hairdo's as well. I really wonder why on earth there were no mainstream curly hair role models for the unfortunate ones like me, but that is for another discussion and as usual I am being my tangential self again.

Anyway, the death of someone as iconic as Farrah brings back a lot of memories for this awkward kid who watched her and bikini clad her co-stars solve crimes while looking like hot shit. I will never forget that famous poster of her in the red bathing suit with that huge blindingly white smile on her face. Celebrities don't smile like that anymore. They are all too busy trying very hard to be sexy. Farrah just was.

That's all for now :)

America's Got...a lot of nerve

Have you seen this show "America's Got Talent"? It's the Velveeta of TV shows. The judges alone are enough to make me want to smash my precious, hard earned flat screen TV to smithereens. The panel consists of bloated, has-been alcoholic David Hasselhoff, opinionated, irritating shrew Sharon Osbourne, and talentless, pompous ass Piers Morgan (what has this guy done to qualify him as a judge of talent?). Now, Mariah Carey's young husband Nick Cannon is hosting this embarrassment. After acts perfom, they pan over to him in the wings making really idiotic comments, I.E. "Wow, loved that hoop they used, gotta get one for me and my wife in our bedroom *WINK*." She must be simultaneously proud and shamed that he finally landed a job. (Former host Jerry Springer in in the pic I've posted because I love him and he actually made this show mildly bearable for me).

Anyway, the show primarily consists of people making asses out of themselves. Occasionally there is some actual talent but for the most part there are people like a guy who shoves a drill up his nose, another guy who wears a dress and plays the accordion while yodeling, a James Brown/Obama impersonator,a guy who hangs concrete slabs from his eyeballs and smashes them, a super creepy middle aged couple who wears skintight metallic spandex, glittery make up and swings around on a hoop together to the song stylings of Barry White, throw in a bunch of people doing bad impressions and pet gimmicks and there you have it....you get the pic. The normal, talented ones are usually kids who sing or adults who have had rough lives and sing well too. Oh, there is always a person or a group of people who have a tragic story, like a parent dying and leaving them orphaned or a terrible illness or accident nearly killing them and we hear the story of their survival. I guess I'm a really hard bitch these days because while I feel bad for you that your wife died on the operating table, you still can't sing/juggle/impersonate/ so best of luck to you but please get off my TV. These types of shows really make me feel like I am in a real life version of a Simpsons spoof of a bad TV show.

A few years back, a ventriloquist won the grand prize. That my friends, says it all. I have never understood that "talent" at all. Maybe back in the 50's with Charlie McCarthy or whatever his name was, it was innocent and good fun but everything was innocent back then. Now it is creepy and stupid. Aren't we more advanced at this point than to be viewing a guy pretending to make a dummy talk as entertainment? Oh and shhhhh, I don't want to be captain obvious here but....his. mouth. is. moving. I .saw. it.

I guess this show makes me wonder how soul killing a person's life must be to think of shoving a drill up your nose as a means to an end, you know? Maybe I'll give up on this work thing I've been doing and cultivate a crazy talent that will get me off this perpetual grind. Hmmmmm, what could I do? I do have the uncanny ability to sound like that voice you get when you dial a disconnected number and get the recording telling you so. Is there a market for this? I could be the Susan Boyle of something, I'm middle aged and never married, isn't that tragic in itself by most of America's standards? I may be too hot to be a tragic figure though, I don't have a frump factor going on.

Does anyone have David Hasselhoffs number?

Baby Mama Drama

Meet Midge Hadley, she is Barbies less sexually threatening best friend. She's pregnant, did you know? She's married to Allan Sherwood. They already have two children, Ryan and Nikki. She's about to give birth to their third. FYI, her stomach is removable and inside there is a tiny alien-like plastic baby. She caused quite the controversy when she came out as part of the "Happy Family" series. Some totally idiotic parents thought that Midge was too young to be having babies and that this was going to cause their daughters to run out and get pregnant just like Midge. Walmart pulled the dolls due to pressure. ... DEAD SILENCE...

Are these people SERIOUS? First of all how old are girls that play with these dolls? If they are super young they are not going to even know how babies are made. That is where these stupid parents come into the picture to discuss this in detail. Even if they do know where babies come from I cannot imagine that they are going to compare themselves to a doll. If they do, you've got bigger problems with that kid than possible pregnancy.

I propose that Mattel release Prostitute Barbie (opportunity for a tie in line of Johns), Crackhead Barbie, Spinster Cat Lady Barbie, Gay Barbie and maybe even Transgender Barbie (anatomically correct, mind you). The possibilities are endless. This should give parents many ripe opportunities to discuss real life issues with their children and keep them out of Walmarts hair. It might also make these fools realize how tame a pregnant doll is in comparison to other possibilities.

Middle of the night stream of consciousness

It's the middle of the night here and I am totally exhausted but I can't sleep. Has this ever happened to you? When it happens I wonder how I ever manage to let go of my thoughts on a daily basis long enough to plunge into sleep.

This week was just the shit. Awful. I think I am just still wound up from the week. So, I am just randomly spouting off here till I make myself tired enough to take the trip to dreamland.

These are the things I am thinking of as I am unable to sleep. My head is a horrifying place as you'll see. You're probably thinking about your 401k or your career plans. I am a frightening mishmash of meaningless Homer Simpson-esque ponderings. The only thing missing is the thought bubble with a donut in it over my head. Here goes...


1.)How am I going to die? When is it going to happen? Will people laugh at it? I kind of want them to.

2.)Will anyone ever love me again as completely and unconditionally as my ex did? If they did or do, would I even be able to believe it or am I too jaded and scarred at this point?

3.)If I had unlimited funds, would I really have the guts to get a tummy tuck or would my fear of being butchered or dying unnecessarily relegate me to a lifetime of this unsightly gut?

4.)What does my ass really look like? Is it true that if you are decapitated you live for 7 seconds afterward and is there anyway that someone could time my actual death with decapitating me and kindly hold my head up behind me so I could really truly see the horror that I have always imagined my ass to be?

5.)Should I have some bacon when I wake up?

6.)Are my parents really still with me, watching out for me, guiding me in the right direction, and am I really going to get to see them again?

7.)Is George Clooney really the jerk I suspect him to be? If I was a waitress in an upscale resort or cocktail lounge, would he fall for me too as he seemed to with his last two lady friends?

8.) If I really stick to weight watchers strictly, how long will it take me to lose this last 10 lbs?

9.)Do people just tolerate me because they feel sorry for me, or do they really love me as they say they do? Am I as annoying as I suspect I may be?

10.)I wish I could get a shitload of cosmetic dentistry so I could feel more confident. My teeth are not bad by any means but I would love to have a brighter more even smile.

11.)Does the manager at the grocery store have a crush on me? I think he has for like 10 years now. I feel it. It's not mutual but he hovers around me and talks to me a lot when I'm shopping. He doesn't do this to anyone else. Welp, there is my answer. Der.

12.)Will I ever muster up the courage to tell the hot guy at the Italian deli that I have been in love with him for the past decade and that I buy cheese a lot of the time just to interact with him? "Deli guy, it's not about the Piave or the Parm Reggiano, it's about YOU and your hotness"...

THATS ENOUGH. I'm off to bed.

:)

Five Alarm Fantasy

To balance out my extremely depressing rain post below, I just wanted to post something beautiful to look at. Here is my ray of sunshine courtesy of the FDNY. The beefcake was spotted at Fairway at approximately 1:30 pm EST, a fabulous grocery store here in NYC. I was ironically in the meat section and there it was. Did I tell you that I try to plan my food shopping to coincide with the FDNY's? I'm the total dirty old lady, sneaking around and watching them touch the veggies for ripeness and listening to them discuss their plans for dinner and new recipes. There is nothing sexier than watching a musclebound man who saves people for a living doing some food shopping. And they do it in a big group. There's a guy for every girls taste in there. It's like the thinking woman's Chippendale's review. (I find Chippendale's really cheesy and embarassing and every single one of those guys looks like he's doing each other, there is nothing unsexier than those idiotic all male reviews, UGH).

Anyway, I just can't explain it. Some people have foot fetishes, I have an FDNY grocery shopping fetish, what can I say? Who am I hurting with this? Stop judging me already or this is the last time I'll share my deeper secrets with the likes of you. I'll bet there are a lot stranger things floating around in your filthy minds aren't there? Yeah, I though so... so, um, getting back to my pic of the day. Enjoy ladies, and to the men out there looking at this, THIS is how to snag chicks.

And I wonder, still I wonder...who'll stop the rain?

Behold, the Morton salt girl. Doesn't she look kicky with her umbrella and her salt? She's had several incarnations over the years, 6 to be exact. Morton salt has been around since the 1800's but the Umbrella Girl has been around since 1914. The Umbrella Girl remains ageless, but she has continued to change with the times. Makeovers to modernize her looks began in 1921 and continued in 1933, 1941, 1956 and 1968. Think of her as the original "Rhianna". Morton really needs to start a campaign with that stupid "Umbrella" song backing people using their salt, right? I'm onto something aren't I? It's nice to know that my marketing degree hasn't totally gone to waste. What a tie in THAT would be! Get a free CD with each salt purchase. Hmmmm. I think this umbrella girl may be the only person to have endured 95 years of solid rain with a smile. I am on about two weeks of it and I am the antithesis of the Umbrella Girl.

It has been raining for what seems like an eternity here. I cannot remember when it has not been gray and wet outside and quite frankly, it is taking it's toll on me mentally. It's making me suicidal. If it does not stop soon I am going to be in jail for killing someone or in a psychiatric institution for trying to kill myself. If one more person tells me "WE NEED IT" I am going to kill said person. With my bare hands. And a crazy grin. And then wait peacefully till the police come and get me.

There is something about rain that depresses the hell out of me. Oddly, I do not feel the same loathing for snow. I love snow. Snow actually makes me happy. Just hearing that snow is coming fills me with excitement. The only times in my life that I have actually enjoyed rain were as a child when I was at my Aunts summer camp and we would sit on the huge porch and watch it move in sheets across the lake until it reached us. It was so dramatic, like watching an approaching tornado. We could literally see the rain on the other side of the lake slowly moving toward us. I also used to love sitting outside on the porch on hot summer evenings and watching the heat lightening off in the distance and hearing the rumbles of an oncoming storm. The only other fond memory of rain that I have is that of all the times spent on rainy days in bed with my then boyfriend. We would just lay together and read and talk and watch movies and feel cozy together. Notice that all these memories involve me being in a dry place during the rain.

At this point in my life, my job requires me to travel all day from one client to the next. I'm sort of like a postal employee in respect to having to be outdoors on and off all day. Today was the worst day I have had in years. Even with the proper gear I was soaking wet all day. I called my office and told them that enough was enough, I was finishing early and I came home to a hot shower and my jammies and a long nap. Even after this. I'm still feeling surly and dreading MORE RAIN. so here is my list of the pros and cons of rain vs snow.

RAIN PROS:

1.)Obvious environmental benefits.

THAT'S IT.

RAIN CONS:

1.) Bad hair weather.
2.)Bad shoe weather.
3.)Mentally draining and depressing.
4.)Everything smells like mildew.
5.)Public transportation is a completely chaotic mess.
6.)Feels like the universe is spitting on me all day.
7.)Getting hit in the face every 4.5 minutes with someone else's giant umbrella.
8.)People are less tolerant of each other in severely rainy weather. Subway seats get wet, people drip all over each other when standing in close proximity.
9.)EVERYTHING IS WET.


SNOW PROS:

1.)It's gentle, it's fluffy (generally speaking), it's like ethereal love taps from the universe. I can brush it off and there is no evidence that it was even there.
2.)If you're a kid, you may get out of school. If you're an adult you may get out of work. Even if you don't completely get out of either, you will probably be able to come in late or leave early. It's win win.
3.)It makes everything look magically clean and pure for the time that it is there.
4.)Cocoa and cookies are a requisite treat when it is snowing.
5.) Santa is making your presents.
6.)I look adorably cute bundled up.
7.)My hair always looks fabulous.
8.)My snow boots mean serious business.
9.)People are nicer to each other when it's snowing. They really are.

SNOW CONS:

1.)Severe snow can kill you (think avalanches, bad driving if you don't know how to drive in snow)...that's really all I can think of.


The above is my warped perspective, I don't want to hear reasons to love rain, I just don't. That little Morton salt 'ho loves it enough for all of us.

That's all for now :)