Little Miss Fussbudget

15th one alone....

2011-05-07T09:38:00.000-07:00

................................and I'm still not "used" to it. Mom's day. This July 31 it will be 16 years since my Mom left me. It was a scorchingly hot day. She collapsed on me while I was driving her to the Dr. She was my best friend. She was my everything. The blurry picture above pretty much sums it up. She had my back. Always. Even in my worst moments.

My Dad passed away when I was 5. I had a sister who died too as a baby. So it was always just me and Ma. She was an incredible woman. she lost both her own parents by the age of 16, she battled alcoholism, weight issues, depression....but she really managed all those things pretty damned effectively and got a grip on all of them. She lost about 75 lbs when I was a kid. She got sober and pretty much stayed that way for a large portion of her life and because of that I learned the 12 steps as a child and I still think of them when my life gets messy and I need something to ground me. I also battle weight and managed to lose a significant amount the year after she died and I've stayed committed to a healthy lifestyle. A large part of my success with managing my weight is also because of the things she taught me about it as well. As far as depression, she was never diagnosed with it but I now see that she probably had it. She was a melancholy person at times. She had reason to be since she really had a lot of loss in her life but she managed to make a pretty good life for her and I and while we butted heads a lot I really respected her more then she ever know. I really wish I could tell her face to face how incredible I think she is.

I miss her smile, her warm face, her laugh, her understanding arms around me, her non judgy way of listening to me, her stories about the way things were when she was a child in the 1920's and 30's. She had me late in life and she was the age of a lot of my friends grandparents but no one ever knew her age because she was so energetic and she used to say that I kept her young. I really really miss knowing that there was one person in this world who didn't care what I said or did, who loved me unconditionally and saw who I really was inside and loved that "me" despite my many flaws. No one ever loves you like you Mother. Once she's gone, you will never have that kind of love again. Losing her changed me forever. I am a different person than I was when he was here with me. Over these years, I've had to become my own Mother and learn how to nurture myself. I've also realized that I need a nurturing sort of man to help take some of the burden off my self mothering.

The sharp pain of losing her isn't there anymore but it's been replaced by a dull ache, a longing that never goes away. She was an imperfect being like all of us but her imperfections and the way she handled them made such a huge impact on me, even more so than if she had been totally together and not had the problems she did. The older I get, the more the bad things make sense to me now. The struggles she and I faced together were practice sessions for me as an adult. I think I learned a lot back then and I didn't even realize it. I am so grateful to my Mother for being my Mother and I will miss her and ache for her for the rest of my days on this earth.

To everyone who has a living mother, tell her how you feel about her. If you have a bad relationship with her, try to at least be grateful for her being a vehicle for you getting to be here. to everyone who does not have a living Mother, I hope your memories of her comfort you on this Mothers day and I wish you a peaceful day :)

The Gift

2010-11-23T14:33:00.000-08:00

This post might seem kind of depressing but I really don't intend it to be that way at all. I am posting this because it's really on my mind right now and I just felt like putting it out there in case someone else is as pig headed and dense as I once was many years ago. If you see yourself in this, maybe you should try to look at things on a deeper level and see the bigger picture.

Years ago, toward the end of my Mothers life, we spent one of our last Christmases together. I don't remember if this was the last one but it was toward the end. My Mother was getting to a point where she didn't feel comfortable driving longer distances anymore so she did everything she needed to do in her very small town in the Adirondack mountains in upstate New York. That year she bought me a present, a shirt at a local store. I hated that shirt and I felt terrible that she spent her limited income on it. I thought I'd be slick and turn it into me being considerate. I told her that I felt bad that she spent her money on me when I didn't want or need anything. She was on a fixed income. Now I really did not like the shirt, it was also too big and I honestly did feel bad that she spent money on me when all I wanted was to see her.

Off we went to that store and we returned it. I should say I returned it while she stood there feeling pretty shitty that the one thing she managed to do wasn't enough for her ungrateful daughter. I assured her I didn't need a gift and I wasn't upset. Then as we walked out of the store I noticed that even though she was smiling, her eyes were watery and she was about to cry. We got into her car on that cold blustery day and I asked her what was wrong. She said to me that she felt bad that she wasn't able to do things for me and that she was sorry I didn't like my gift. We both cried. I was speechless and I apologized. She didn't make a fuss, she really tried to keep it together but she just couldn't. My Mother rarely showed sadness so I knew it was big for her.

To say I felt bad is an understatement. To this day I still recall every painful detail of that incident and I can't believe what a thick headed insensitive idiot I was. My lack of maturity and insight was distressing. I also remember her saying "I just wanted to be able to do something nice for you, I'm sorry". So you see, that was really what that was about. It wasn't about a stupid shirt I hated, it wasn't about money, it was about love. Why on earth I was unable to see it then is really beyond me but now, all these years later it popped into my head and haunted me all day to the point of me coming home and crying till I became sick over it. A good friend called me in the midst of my meltdown and verbally bitch slapped me into snapping out of it and ceasing my pointless mental self mutilation in all of this. What's done is done. The important part to me is the lesson I learned from that and it is one I tell my patients everyday when they ask me why they suffer with their illnesses and limitations.....you see it can really be applied to a lot of situations....

Sometimes, we need to learn how to accept, how to let someone else give. If you've always done for others maybe learning how to receive is a lesson you will need to work on. The item or act the person is performing isn't the important thing. It's letting someone else feel needed or useful or special or appreciated, letting them do something for another human being. When you let someone give you are basically giving them an intangible gift yourself. If I had realized that years ago I wouldn't be sitting here boo hooing over something that happened so long ago. The boo hooing is pointless but the lesson has been priceless for me. Since that day, there have been times when I've been in similar situations and the thought of rejecting a kind act no matter what it is never ever crosses my mind. I've had people (my elderly patients )in absolutely filthy apartments make me tea as a kind gesture and I just pray to God the hot water is enough to boil whatever germs away that I'm ingesting because I always remember how important it was for someone who rarely felt useful to others (my Mom) to feel useful once and a while.

So here I am many years later alone and wishing that I had that ugly shirt to open all over again. I'd wear it proudly and never even consider getting rid of it or thinking of it as just a shirt. Since that is not possible I'm just going to be grateful for the lesson I learned from that experience and how it affects my way of dealing with others on a daily basis. I think if my Mom was here she'd be quite happy with the ways things turned out after all :)

October 5th, a day that will live in infamy...........

2010-10-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

..........as the day I had the horrible realization that my neck is not what it used to be. Yeah, I know. What a vapid thing to post here after being absent for months but it's true. It's been bothering me quite a bit lately and I can't hold it in anymore. Why don't people talk about this more? Am I the only person who is completely flipped out by getting a bag of sagging skin under my jaw/chin in a matter of a few years?

There I was walking down the street at about 7:23 pm. I remember it because I was on the phone talking and I looked at the clock. I was on my way to Rite Aid to get some lotion or something, I don't even remember. I was wearing a scarf for a sort of fashion statement type of thing because the weather has FINALLY cooled down. I caught my reflection in a window and I thought, OMFG....I look about 10 years younger with this scarf hiding my old lady neck! How long will this trend toward scarves go on for? How long can I ride this one before it becomes obvious that it's not really about the scarf for me, it's about camo-ing my aging neck?

To be honest, I look pretty damned good for my age and no, I'm not some delusional nutbag in denial thinking I look 20.I know I look pretty good due to constant shock at my age when I tell it and years of clean living. No smoking, no caffeine, no sun, no drugs and taking very good care of my skin since I was 13 and my mother took me to Macy's to get some fancy skincare for fun.

Anyhoo, I am in my mid 40's now and this past summer I really began to become aware of my damned neck. One night I was at a friends and we were laying on her couch talking. She is my age too and she was at a weird angle and we both noticed that her neck looked horrifically old. We both screamed and then brushed it off at the way she was laying. A few weeks later, I was applying makeup and leaning into the mirror and I noticed the same thing with my neck! Needless to say, I ran screaming away from the mirror and blocked it out of my memory. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, I had my picture taken with a younger friend. She looked radiant. I looked like a CUTE OLD LADY! My fucking neck gave me away once again! It's not only the neck, my face is more angular and thinner. The youthful glow is GONE. I used to have to cover up my red cheeks, they were practically flaming red. I bought all sorts of cosmetics to neutralize my red face. Now? I buy blush by the truckload! Without it, I look like a sick Nicole Kidman. Just really really pale and sickly and my red hair makes me look even paler.

So that night, as I realized that my neck is ruining my life as I knew it, I came home and immediately went to makeupalley.com and began to peruse the product reviews for recommended neck creams. Oh yes I did. I hate to admit it but it has finally come to this, I am a vain bitch who is freaking out at my saggy neck. I called my friend and told her my feelings on this and she laughed hysterically but she totally agreed with my feelings on all of this. As a matter of fact, she agreed to split a jar of neck cream with me in solidarity.

See, I know I'm not a spring chicken. I know lines and wrinkles are inevitable. I never look at my face and feel upset at what I see. It's not the face of a girl, it's the face of a woman who has lived her life and had a lot of experiences good and bad. It's a face that my dear sweet Mother gave me and now that she is long gone I find immense comfort in the bits of her that are emerging in this face as I age. But my neck? My neck is something else entirely. There is just no reason for this travesty. Again, I honestly don't mind wrinkles but this neck thing is just more upsetting than I can tell you.

Just wait, when it happens to you, you'll know how freaky it is. Until then, remember this friendly little warning and wear as many V necks as possible, work as many beautiful choker style necklaces as you can...just flaunt that tight little neck for all it's worth. I never thought I would be a "scarf lady" but now, I gravitate toward the wracks of them in every store I walk into. It's my new thing.

Just sayin' :)

Living Legend

2010-07-27T18:52:00.000-07:00

Talk about weirdness. I was just talking about entertainment from days gone in my last posting, and I happened to meet a lady who is a living treasure yesterday! I was with a patient doing a home care visit and her next door neighbor Mable was sitting with her in her living room. I introduced myself to her and she was so charming and beautiful that I was completely taken by her immediately. She told me that she had just returned from Sweden from "performing". I never imagined that she was such a seriously known entertainer. She told me to look her up so I did and here she is! She will be 89 soon and she is still absolutely stunning. She still sings and dances and performs and she is a real lady of the first order.

Mable also gave me some fantastic advice on life and love and we are both excited about meeting up again to chat tomorrow. She thought I was in my 20's and I tell her she's gorgeous so we sort of have a mutual admiration for each other. Take a look her her and enjoy. She is every bit as beautiful now all these years later and she can still dance and sing better than people half her age!

Days gone by

2010-07-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

I stumbled onto this today and I became so completely mesmerized by it that I had to share it with you. As a young girl I used to watch movies from the 1920's through the 40's with intense fascination. The clothes, the speech patterns, the music and the sophistication compared to what goes on today always amazed me. I was raised by a woman born in 1924 so I sort of always had a bit of this flavor in my upbringing. My Mom was a modest lady and she taught me to be one too. I am by no means a prude but you will never see me walking around in really revealing clothing. I wouldn't say I'm at all "Amish" about it, but I find something about letting yourself leave nothing to the imagination kind of sad and lacking in self respect and dignity. Even when I am in a relationship with a man I will only reveal enough of myself initially to whet his appetite, make him want more, you know?? If you do more than that you are really selling yourself short and why would you even think of doing that?

I am really tickled at how women's feet and legs were such a source of scandal at the time of the films shown. I guess 10 to 15 years prior women weren't even daring to show their ankles. I love how these women really know how to take off their shoes in the most entertaining and seductive way. Now, it's nothing but then it was a really forbidden thing. There is a scene that involves hair twirling too. It's funny, to me things were so much more interesting to watch and so aesthetically unique and beautiful. I find this piece charming and sad at the same time and even a bit spooky. Many films like these have disappeared due to the film they were made on degrading so I consider this a treasure. Here's to yesterday!

Deep thoughts :)

2010-07-25T08:39:00.001-07:00

Of course the title to this entry is sarcasm, I hope you know that. I'm not a self proclaimed sage. I know it's been a while, I've just had nothing that you'd probably want to hear to say. And I'm still in the same "nothing to say" state but I felt like writing a bit on this scorchingly hot Sunday.

It is disgusting out, we're talking 105 degrees and 100% humidity, true story. I am not exaggerating. I am constantly cranky as any normal person would be if they were constantly sweating and struggling to breathe. Who on earth enjoys this? If you do you are a sick bastard who is going to end up in hell. The weather there is perfect for you. Last week there was one day where I was walking around in this while working and I became confused, crampy and dizzy. I was definitely drinking enough and trying to not exert myself but it was just brutal out there. My co-worker came to get me and basically did my job for me while I sat down and drank more water and rested. I ended up coming home and just laying down till the next AM. But enough of this.....suffice to say, it is hell on earth here right now and I am sitting in an air conditioned room with no intention to leave it till I have to tomorrow.

This brings me to what I feel like talking about today. I'm gonna warn ya,. It's not a laugh riot but I have just been feeling introspective lately. Next Saturday, July 31, will be the 15th anniversary of my mom's death. This time of year is always very difficult for me. Even if I do not feel outwardly weird about it, the universe has strange ways of reminding me of the yearly cycle that all of this rotates on.

Fifteen years is a long time really. You would think that by now I would be past certain things. But I'm not. And I realize that I never will be. And for the first time this year, I am accepting of it and OK with it, even the bad parts of it. Something jarring happened last week and I'll tell you what. I was in the shower after a hot day . There I was just enjoying the cool water and trying to relax my mind when BANG. I had my eyes closed and was washing the back of my neck when I saw a horrible vision of my Mom dying on my shoulder. It was as if I was back at that time again and it was literally happening for real. It was so vivid. My reality is....my Mom actually did die on my shoulder as I drove her to her Dr appt. So in this vision I was in the car, the AC was blasting just as it really was that day and there was my Mom on my shoulder and I was in shock and screaming. My shower vision was very brief, but it was so intense it nearly knocked me over. I became short of breath, I gasped, I burst out crying and doubled over in pain from the shock of that quaint little home movie that came out of the recesses of my brain to kick me in the gut.

I got out of the shower and curled into a ball in my bed and just let it all out of my system. I figured that it was natures fucked up way of reminding me that July 31 was around the corner. As I recovered from that, I got a phone call and to be honest, I really did not want to talk about it. The person I was speaking to knew something was wrong with me and probed till I admitted what had happened. Much to my surprise, he was able to show me a different perspective and it has stuck with me since that discussion. He remarked that he believed that sometimes when things like that happen, it is that persons way of trying to touch you on the shoulder and remind you that they are still thinking of you and love you. While it is upsetting and jarring, it is sometimes the only way they can establish contact with us. He also stated that for him, he has similar things happen now and then but only when he is in the shower. This made me think and I realized that yes, a lot of the time when I have these upsetting thoughts I'm in the shower. He commented that he sometimes thinks that water is a passageway or a vehicle for the other side to get through to us. Is this true? No. Yes. Maybe? Who knows, but it really made me think about this in a very different way and I am going to hold on to this perspective and consider it.

Yesterday, I received a perfume sample in the mail from my BFF. It was a very rare perfume that was my Mothers favorite. My friend sent it to me as a comforting gesture, as a way of letting me have that little part of my mom to enjoy again. This warmed my heart so and made me feel blessed to have someone so sensitive and caring in my life. The minute I uncorked that perfume vial I was transported back to 1972 and the house where I was raised. There I was in that little spot where I would perch myself and study her as she got ready to go out for the evening. I would sit and watch my Mother in fascination as she fixed her hair, applied her eyeliner, brow pencil, and liquid makeup. I can even still see the actual products she used if I concentrate hard enough. I remember the way she would put on a pretty lipstick to brighten her face and then a few spritzes of that perfume to finish. And then she was off. It's funny how a scent can transport you like that isn't it? But for me, it did. For a few minutes, I was seven again and my Mom was the most glamorous, beautiful smelling woman on earth.

So today I am sitting here smelling that perfume vial, feeling blessed that I had such a mother and that I have such people now who recognize that part of my past and who I am.

An interesting addendum to recent events is one of the most touching and encouraging emails I have ever received. My Dr is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. He is knowledgeable, gentle, smart, witty, kind hearted and loving to a fault. He is also creative and a true artist. He asked to see samples of my writing. I felt a bit embarrassed with some of the rambling drivel I go on about, but I tried to dig up some remotely interesting things and sent them to him. He previously had a musical/play off Broadway and is now working on a movie. He read my thoughts and now wants to meet with me to discuss my "talent". Me? Talent? I make a mean brownie but other than that I never felt like I had any notable talents. The most truly amazing part of this were his closing words when he stated "if your father was alive today I am sure he would tell you that he is proud of you, and so am I".

Isn't it funny how if you are really paying attention and put yourself out there in the world the universe brings you such affirming experiences and helps you hear and learn what you need to at the very time you need to?

That's all for now....thanks for listening to this one..I know it wasn't easy! :)

Filthy Rich?

2010-07-09T11:04:00.000-07:00

Has it really come to this America? Are we this desperate to protect the little bit we have that we need to "secure" it in fake filthy underwear? I am just stunned at this. It's for sale at Sears of all places. It's called "Brief Safe" the fake dirty underwear home safe. Do Sears shoppers really have the need for a "home safe" and if they do are they really going to look for one at Sears? Couldn't you just make your own version of this? Really?

The copy on the Sears website reads: The "Brief Safe" is an innovative diversion safe that can secure your cash, documents, and other small valuables from inquisitive eyes and thieving hands, both at home and when you're traveling. Items can be hidden right under their noses with these specially-designed briefs which contain a fly-accessed 4" x 10" secret compartment with Velcro closure and "special markings" on the lower rear portion. Leave the "Brief Safe" in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home, or in your suitcase in a hotel room - even the most hardened burglar or most curious snoop will "skid" to a screeching halt as soon as they see them. (Wouldn't you?) Made in USA. One size. Color: white (and brown).

I love the color description. I kind of love everything about this. I'm guessing that the person who invented this may drink heavily. I really like the manufacturers advice to "leave the "Brief Safe" in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home, or in your suitcase in a hotel room". I would love to be a fly on the wall watching people catch a glimpse of this in your home. Can you imagine forgetting you were having company over and leaving that out? I guess it would be an easy way to get someone to dump you if you were in a bad relationship. I would run like hell and never look back if I saw this in a mans bathroom.

As long as we're being frank, I have never understood skid marks. Maybe with a small child but a grown adult? WTF is wrong with you that you can't manage to practice good bathroom hygiene? The thought of it really makes me shudder. It also makes me very sad and makes me want to cry for the person who does it. I said "want" to cry because I think I'd actually be too disgusted to be able to cry, but there is something about a person who is unable to do something so basic that makes me very emotionally upset for them. It makes me wonder if their Mother didn't love them or teach them basics. I know I'm reaching here but yikes.

What's going to be next? Urine stained stockings? Blood covered sheets? A bib drenched in baby vomit with a secret compartment? I just don't even know anymore. This whole thing started when I saw a purse made out of old women's underwear. I'm going to post about that next but this one just floored me.

On a strange note I think if I actually did see underwear like these now I might wonder if they are filled with cash and be slightly curious. Hmmmmm.

That's all for now.

Bleah

2010-07-06T18:08:00.000-07:00

OMG, it is so damned hot here. I just don't know what to say. I've been silent for a while but I've just been so cranky and hot. I just want to say what's up and I hope all of you are someplace where it is NOT 110 degrees out. Today I was drenched in sweat and fancy European sunscreen while chugging water furiously (sexy eh?)to avoid passing out whilst I saw all my patients who do not have AC's and refuse to turn on their fans because they are.....COLD!

Oh and :

DEAR CON ED,

YOU HONESTLY WANT ME TO TURN MY AC OFF WHEN IT IS OVER 100 DEGREES? FOR REAL CON ED, FOR REAL? KINDLY STOP ADVISING ME TO DO THIS MANEUVER BECAUSE THE LAST TIME I DID YOU CUT MY DAMNED POWER ANYWAY YOU FILTHY BASTARD. WHAT IN THE WHAT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? ARE YOU CRAZY? THREE YEARS AGO WE HAD NO POWER FOR THREE WEEKS AND ALL WE GOT WAS A "WHOOPS SORRY" AND $100 FOR SPOILED FOOD. I WAS LIVING LIKE HALF PINT FROM LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE WITH FUCKING CANDLES, PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES AND READING INSPIRATIONAL LITERATURE BY FLASHLIGHT AT NIGHT JUST TO GET THROUGH THAT CRISIS. FIX YOUR ISSUES CON ED OR PEOPLE ARE GOING TO GET HARDCORE ON YOUR POWER FAILING ASS THIS TIME. PEACE OUT.

Sorry about the screaming there but I felt that needed to be said. I smell a blackout coming AGAIN. There is one every damned summer. You would think I lived in Haiti or something but no, I'm in NYC. Currently it is dim here right now. I believe this is called a "brown out". Next up, STEAMY HOT DARKNESS AND CRACKERS FOR DINNER. Damn. Can you tell how stressed I am?

I've got a Lady Gaga concert to go to tomorrow (I know, stop laughing at me) and a very important Dr appt early Thursday morning to see what the hell is wrong with my jacked up vascular system. That is what's up here. I hope you aren't pissed that you took 3 precious minutes to read this drivel. I promise to be more substantial next time. Maybe I will do a Gaga review. I know how you're just DYING for that!

Boringly yours, LMF :)

We all scream?

2010-07-02T14:19:00.000-07:00

Uh, no, no we don't. These people aren't very good at abbreviations are they? They've managed to do the impossible for me. They've made ice cream unappealing. :(

Daddy's Girl

2010-06-19T21:46:00.000-07:00

Today is Fathers day. I had a Daddy till I was 5. He died unexpectedly. He was driving home from work on Good Friday to pick up my Mother and I. We were going to travel upstate to spend the Easter holiday with her sister and family. He never made it home. Heart attack. I do not remember it. I was so little, I only remember seeing him in the coffin and smelling carnations. To this day, carnations and Ave Maria are triggers that make me cry uncontrollably.

Before that day, I was the most loved little girl on earth. I do recall my Mom's issues, even at 5 I knew she had problems but my Dad was another story entirely. Even now, people who knew him tell me how wonderful he was. And my Aunt prefaces stories about him by saying "I'm not just saying this because I feel sorry for you, you're father really was the most special man I ever met". I never know whether to feel really good about this, or horribly cheated. I do remember opening a drawer that I was not supposed to be opening as a child and finding mementos from the funeral, cards, etc, and his personal effects. I used to go through his wallet and see all the pictures he had of me. I was his little princess. It is obvious from looking at that wallet how loved I was. I loved touching his razor and shaving items. It made him seem more real to me.

Even though it was nearly 40 years ago, I can vividly remember sitting on a "flying saucer" (an old skool sled) and him pushing me down a snowbank. It seemed HUGE! In reality in was a pile of snow next to a curb here in NYC. I was so tiny it seemed like a mountain. I felt safe with him and so happy. I can remember my Birthday when I was 3. I remember having a batman doll on the table and a spider man design on the cake. I was so excited. The cake seemed so gigantic too. I also remember going to the candy store with him after church on Sundays and him buying me all sorts of things. I remember sitting on his knee and him hugging me. I remember his big safe hands picking me up. I remember him and my Mother at the sink after dinner, her washing dishes, him drying. I remember being in the car tucked into the back seat while my parents were in the front talking grown up talk that I didn't understand. I remember feeling small. I remember feeling loved. I have not felt that way since. I am so grateful to whatever cells in my brain have enabled me to to retain those memories like I have. They are gifts to me now that both of my parents are long gone. I feel lucky to have had loving parents even if they weren't able to be with me for as long as I would have liked.

Today, I really wonder why that happened. Why was he taken from me and why was I left with an unstable alcoholic mother? She loved me too with all her heart, that was never in question. She doted on me and took good care of me but she was emotionally not there for me for parts of my childhood. Not having siblings made it harder. I always felt so alone. Maybe that's why now, as an adult, being alone is a state I handle very well. I don't understand people who need to constantly be surrounded by others. I love people, I make a living by forming very personal relationships with many people on a daily basis and I also have some wonderful friends, but for me, I need time alone to listen to my inner music. I know that sounds annoyingly new agey and Oprah goofy but I just don't know how else to put it.

For some reason, this Fathers day is making me look back on my life and I am really wondering what the impact of not having a solid man in my life as I was coming up has born in me. The last time I was truly loved unconditionally by a man was when I was 5. Not since then have I had any man just love me for who I am. I've always had to to something to keep that love and sometimes no matter what I've done it doesn't matter. I know unconditional love is an iffy thing and a lot of the time even your parents are not giving of it and it's like that with everyone who isn't your parent really. I know it's like that with everyone who isn't your parent really. You have to do things and be something to your friends too, everyone expects something of you but male/female dynamic is different.

I know it doesn't do any good to wonder but I do wonder how different my life would have been had my father lived longer than he did. What types of relationships would I have had with men that I have not? Could I have trusted easier than I have? Would I have gotten married by now? Had children? Would it be exactly the same? Worse? Better? There is no way to know but I can't help wondering, at least just for today. There is a line from a Dylan Thomas poem that goes "after the first death, there is no other". I guess you could interpret this is a few ways. It could mean that we have eternal life after we die our "first" death, it could mean there is nothing after we die OR.....for me it means after the first major loss in your life, nothing else really comes close to devastating you like the first one did. My Mothers death destroyed me because we were very close and had years together but my Fathers death set the tone for me to be a worrisome person always on the lookout for the next disaster. I was never outwardly negative in that way but my mind would always immediately go to thinking the worst if someone didn't call when they were supposed to or didn't show up when they were supposed to. It taught me that things can change in a minute and the worst can absolutely happen. That was quite a lesson to learn at the age of 5.

As I get older I realize that our parents truly are "in" us. People used to say that to me after my mom died. "She's still with you". It so pissed me off you have no idea. It took me till now to see what they meant. I am her. I am him. My face is morphing into that of my Mothers. I see my Father in there too. I hear my Mothers voice and her expressions come out of my mouth when I least expect it. I do things that I know my Father would have done too. The content of my genes hasn't changed with the loss of those who contributed to them. They continually unfurl like the petals of a tightly closed flower. I truly believe that the flower that is me will be blooming till my very last day. Time will tell.

I wish my parents were here to thank and even though they are far away in another plane of existence now, I do want to thank them for making me who I am. I hope I've made them proud and been worth creating in their eyes. I will endeavor to continue to do so till my last breath.

If your Father is alive, please tell him you love him. Reminisce with him about the special things you remember from long ago and tell him how much his support has shaped you as a human being. You won't always be able to do this, why not do it today? If you have a strained relationship with him at least thank him for giving you life. If nothing else, do that for yourself as an affirmation that you are choosing to make a good life for yourself and be a good person despite any challenges or difficulties you have faced.

Happy Fathers Day Daddy, thank you for being my Father

That's all for now :)

Featured Fragrance Review: Sabon Zohar (Musk)

2010-06-17T16:44:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I talked about a fragrance but it is a huge passion of mine. I have so many perfumes I rarely buy anything new these days and for me to mention it, it has to be something really special for me. I hate smelling like strong perfume, but I love smelling delectable and making people want to come a little closer.

Musk is something that is really iffy for me. It's either love or extreme hate depending on the musk. I hate strong animalic musk. If it's a really dirty, earthy musk I am reminded of bad B.O. and trying to cover it up. It can smell cheap and overwhelming and make me want to get away from you if it's that type of musk. If it's done right it smells clean, soft and nuzzly. Santa Maria Novella's Muschio Oro is my favorite but it's much more than musk. It's soapy, clean, sweet and soft, just wonderful. People follow me around when I wear it. At first it is sharp and too soapy but when it calms down it is the perfect skin scent. I've had everyone from young women to 80 year old men tell me I smell wonderful when I wear this one.

I was recently strolling by a Sabon store here in NYC and walked in to see what was up. I tried the musk and at first I was completely anosmic to it and could not smell a thing. After about 10 minutes it revealed itself and it was fantastic! If you know the scent Perfect Veil, it is similar to that but much better. I would not know it was a musk if I didn't see it on the label. It seems that these are the types of musks I favor. It is soft, sweet, a tiny bit floral but so soft that you don't really feel like you're wearing perfume. I tried the body oil since they were out of the perfume and it lasted for hours on my skin and seemed to have really decent sillage for a body oil. Unfortunately, the store has been sold out of the musk perfume formulation for a while and they are waiting to get more in so I cannot comment on that. The oil is fantastic and $19 for a large spray bottle. It's totally worth it. If you liked The Body Shops White Musk, Jovan White musk, Perfect Veil...those types of scents, this is much better than all of those. While it is clean, it is not at all soapy and there is absolutely no sharpness at all to it. It is a gentle caressing whisper on your skin, barely noticeable but it's there in a really sexy, come closer way. I cannot recommend it highly enough! Really nice to apply when your skin is damp just out of the shower.

Incidentally, I would love to smell this on a man, it can easily be a unisex fragrance as well.

EDIT: Was able to try the EDP formulation and it was a bit different and had a hairspray vibe and was a bit thicker and sweeter smelling. The final drydown after about an hour was nice but I prefer this scent in the body oil if I have to choose. It's gentler, softer and easier to wear for me.

That's all for now :)

Bouncing baby burrito

2010-06-06T17:32:00.000-07:00

This must have been the big daddy of all burritos. I cannot imagine the size of it and how on earth could a person make a mistake like this? Even more of a curiosity, why would a person toss a perfectly good burrito like this?

Well here's something interesting...

2010-05-23T17:53:00.001-07:00

To be honest with you, I really am at a loss as to what to say about this article I found online on the Telegraph UK website. Yes, I am actually speechless. I am without speech. People, I work in Harlem in the projects, I thought I'd seen and heard it all and this, this story made me just sit slack jawed and shake my head. Can this guy be for real? Can he? This is a joke right? Here is the link, apparently this guy has "sex" with cars. Yeah you read me correctly, cars. Exactly how does one shag a car? To quote the article "he says that his most intense sexual experience was "making love" to the helicopter from 1980s TV hit Airwolf." EXCUSE ME? How does one do this? Oh, my other favorite quote was "there are moments way out in the middle of nowhere when I see a little car parked and I swear it needs loving. There have been certain cars that attracted me and I would wait until night time, creep up to them and just hug and kiss them. "

THIS DUDE IS CREEPY AS HELL. I love the Herbie t-shirt. I would love to see the BBC documentary about him. I heard he was caught romancing the production van. Just reading about him makes me feel better about myself. I honestly cannot imagine any woman or man for that matter coming near this guy anyway. I really hope for his sake he is just trying to get a reality show out of this and it's not an actual disorder but in the article they refer to this phenomenon as "mechaphilia". OK I'VE HEARD IT ALL. THE END.

Book of the Week

2010-05-16T17:31:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! Book recommendation, it will totally change your life! It's from Lorraine Peterson, the author of "If God Loves Me Then Why Can't I Get My Locker Open?" so you know it has to be good! I believe the guy on the cover is a young Jon Tesh or that guy from Dawson's creek. Even blacks and Asians think he's awesome so you know having multicultural friends makes him even more awesome-er! I just read this and it has totally changed my life. As of today, I officially became awesome. True story.

Cloudly with a chance of roaches

2010-05-11T19:10:00.000-07:00

Old times

2010-05-11T17:27:00.000-07:00

I was having a conversation the other day with someone when I made a comment that made him laugh. I guess I used a seldom used phrase and it came across as charming. I didn't do it on purpose, it was something I say from time to time. To be honest, my mom had me when she was 40 and the age difference was like that between a grandma and her grandchild. Because of this I guess I was exposed to lots of words and phrases that others my age were not. After that moment, we tried to think of some rarely used words that seem to have fallen out of favor and so far, this is what I've come up with...

Divan, Settee or Davenport = a sofa type of couch

Sideboard, buffet = an extra table that you put food on in your dining room

Billfold = wallet

Chest of drawers, bureau = dresser

Cotton Swab = Q-tip

Mimeograph (original can be seen in feaured picture here)= copy machine

Dungarees = jeans

Slacks = pants

Cream rinse = hair conditioner

Permanent (now called a perm) = hmmm, a procedure where your hair is rendered curly. People don't really get these much anymore as far as I know. They would smell awful and you always knew when someone had one because they looked like a puffy, frizzy poodle. They never looked good.

Ice box = refrigerator

Victrola = my aunt still says this for record player, CD player, etc

Oleo = it was a brand of margarine back in the day

Macadam = anything paved

Pocketbook, otherwise pronounced as a Pock-a-book = purse

Underpants, bloomers = panties, underwear (I still say underpants, I loathe panties)

Moving picture show = movie

Drapes = curtains

Just a few expressions:

Down the road a piece = a quaint way of saying something is just down the road

Sweet fancy moses! = not old but my own fave, a phrase used by Jerry and George on the TV show Seinfeld when they are subjected to watching Elaine dance

I look like the wreck of the Hesperus! (my mom's personal signature phrase). A Longfellow poem about a real ship wreck that occurred in 1838, used to describe a person who is in a disheveled state.

Hell in a hand basket. Damned if I know, I love it, use it but I do not know the origins of it.

He really frosts me! A favorite of my elderly aunt, means to anger.

And two bonus gems from my Mother:

I gotta pee so bad I can taste it!

I am so hungry my stomach's touching my backbone!

That's all I could think of for now! :)

Mothers Day Reflections

2010-05-10T22:21:00.000-07:00

Sunday was my 14th motherless Mothers Day. It still hurts, but the pain isn't a stabby pain anymore. It's more of an ache, a longing that has become chronic. I don't cry much about it anymore unless something brings it on and makes me want to talk to my Mother and I realize that it is impossible and I have to lay in bed, shut my eyes and have an imaginary conversation with her or pray that she comes to me while I'm sleeping and we have one of our interdimentional visits (yes, I'm nuts, I do get visits from her occasionally, judge if you will) . Lately I have been thinking a lot about my life, what it was, what it has become and trying to make some sense of it. Maybe I'm doing this more because I'm in my 40's, I don't really know. Like most people at this age, I've had some losses and I've managed to move forward. The thing with me is though, I have no family so when something changes it shakes me up more than I care to admit.

My Dad died when I was 5, my mom died when I was 30. I have no siblings, my aunts and uncles are pretty much all deceased as well. I have no husband or kids. It's a bit scary being like this at times. I have friends who I can count on but it's not the same. My mother dying was always my worst fear. I used to cry just thinking of it before it actually happened. Then it did and it was far worse than I ever imagined. It happened on my shoulder in the car as I drove her to a Dr appt. She just slumped over on me and that was that. I raced her to the ER, they revived her and she then died again later that night. I will never forget that moment. I remember a nurse saying to me "pray for what's best for her, not for what's best for you." The Dr told me he was sorry. I was completely numb. I was shaking. My arms and legs felt like jello. I felt like I was melting into a pool, I wanted to melt into a pool. I wanted to be gone. I remember my best friend walking down that long hallway with me and thinking that I was leaving her there and I was never going to see her again. Even now, remembering it, it doesn't seem real. I went home and I got into her bed and I remember screaming and screaming and screaming. I have never ever screamed like that before that day and I have never screamed like that since. I don't think I ever will again. It changed me forever. Something in me died that day too but at the same time, something undefinable was being born .

At that moment, I chose to live. I didn't realize it was a choice at the time but now I see that it was and the funny part is, everything that happened to me up to that point in my life, everything that never made sense while it was happening gave me the skill to deal with that horrible situation. I was raised by a wonderful woman. She taught me more than I could ever begin to tell you about. She also struggled with an addiction to alcohol. I almost feel like I am betraying her by saying it here. Isn't that funny? That all these years later, and you have no idea who I am or who she is and still the shame of that is so deep and the stigma is so ingrained that I feel like I am giving up a dirty secret that I should be keeping still. I mean it's not like I'm going MacKenzie Phillips here and telling you some creepy details about something that is besmirching my Mom's memory. It's not like you know her, or me but still, I feel blabby telling. What the fuck is my point in telling anyway? I don't know, maybe verbal masturbation, a need to just put it down somewhere and get it out? What makes me think you care or want to read such a sullen entry? Maybe you don't. Maybe this will turn you off and you'll never come back again. That's a risk I'm taking in being authentic at the moment I guess. And who's reading this anyway really?

I remember after my father died, my Mom really lost her shit. She was devastated and so lost. She had lost both her parents by the time she was 16, her sister, her child (my sister) and now her husband. I think it was all just too much for her to process and I didn't blame her. She drank to the point of me knowing there was something wrong. I was 5. I knew something was up. By the time I was 7, I was hiding her car keys. How the hell did I know to do that? I have no idea but I did. I remember once, my Aunt came to see my mom and my mom was passed out in her bedroom. She was attempting to do laundry and there was a basket near her filled with the laundry. As my aunt came up the stairs I was freaking out. I had seen my Aunt kick my mother in the past when she was drunk. I grabbed that laundry and I dumped it all over my mom as she slept and I lied and told my Aunt that my Mother was at the store! I am still amazed that I did that.I was 8. My Aunt believed me and never knew. After she left, I went and sat out on the back steps of the house and cried. I don't even remember being sad. I just remember feeling helpless and frustrated and wondering what I did wrong. I seriously wonder how I am not more fucked up than I am. How I did not turn to drugs, alcohol etc. I never ever did. I was a virgin till I was 21. I've never done an illegal drug in my life. I took 2 puffs of weed once and was grossed out by it. I have drank but I honestly do not like alcohol except for champagne and I never drink to get drunk. I have never done any other drugs except for prescribed narcotics for pain when I've been ill.

So where am I going with this, let me think.......oh yeah. My mom was in and out of rehab many times. I spent a lot of my childhood at AA meetings. At that time, it was the 70's there were other kids there and there was always someone who would watch us while our parents were attending the meetings. At times we were in those smoked filled rooms and I remember hearing some crazy assed stories of other peoples journeys and all the shit they had endured and put their loved ones through. As you can imagine, this really affected me deeply. For some reason unknown to me, I had a very pronounced ability to feel the pain of others. I never thought badly of those people, I only felt compassion for them and prayed that they could find a way to get better. I remember always feeling so different and out of place with other kids. I felt like an impostor, like I really wasn't a kid. Like I was an adult trapped in a kids body. I've always felt old ever since I can remember which is strange since I have such a crazy sense of humor and I always see the absurdity and the lighter side of things. Maybe that's not so crazy after all, maybe that was my coping mechanism, my humor. Oh that and food. Yep, I did inherit the addictive gene and cheese doodles were my drug of choice.

I was pretty fat for most of my childhood. I loved food, eating it, cooking it, you name it. I even became a pastry chef at one point. After my mom died I finally began to deal with all my experiences and I was able to release the weight. 89 lbs of it. And I've pretty much stayed healthy and relatively slim since. I'll never be skinny but I'm not plus sized anymore and I get why I was eating and I do not do it in a destructive way anymore. Her death seemed to free me up to start taking care of me and admit a lot of things that I never wanted to admit. It's funny how when you deal with your feelings, you really see your patterns and why you do the things you do.

So on Mothers day, I was thinking. Thinking about all of it. And I felt sort of shocked that all these years later I can honestly say that I'm grateful for all that stuff. I really can't look at it and feel sorry for myself. I wouldn't change my beautiful mom for a sober one, I would not change her death even though I miss her daily and still cry and ache for her. She had to go to free me to grow out of my cocoon and be the butterfly I have become. I beat myself up a lot, I'm a slob, this is a thing about myself that I consistently wish I could change. I've tried, I do make efforts but I recently thought to myself well fuck, if that is the absolutely worst thing you can say about yourself what the hell is wrong with you? That's nothing! no one is perfect, if you're unorganized and sloppy, WHATEVER. There is plenty of fabulousness about you that offsets your slobbery (do you like my new word?). Maybe I'm getting old, maybe it's middle age but I think I finally *drum roll*, I finally like myself. Fat thighs, frizzy hair, sloppiness all of it. I mean I even posted a pic here of myself in a BATHING SUIT last year. (See: "bathing beauty" entry). That took a lot of moxie, it's got to mean something.

I have no idea why I exploded like this here. I'm off from work this week and up late being introspective and here I am. I have a goofy entry planned for tomorrow though so fear not, my light hearted self will return in a few!

NOTE: Customers who purchased this also purchased:

"She's Come Undone", by Wally Lamb ;)

That's all for now! :)

Fun site of the day

2010-05-05T14:52:00.001-07:00

I cannot believe I didn't know about this site. I just sat here for 30 minute laughing my ass off, yes, I LMAO. People really are something aren't they? I love this site and I am sad that I only discovered it now that it's not active anymore but there seems to be plenty to enjoy.

That's all for now :)

Have a happy period

2010-04-26T13:43:00.000-07:00

The time: 10:30 this AM

The place: the middle of the block as I walked to the subway to go to work this morning

The players: me and an innocent male passerby

Me: "hums to self whilst skipping down the block" lalalala, hmmmm....

He:*as he approached me head on "Excuse me, you dropped something"

Me: "oh? hmmm, what? thank you! *turns around to look at dropped item which was about 15 to 20 feet behind me now

He : *as he realized what item was*"oh no! I'm sorry!"

Me: "What?" *approaches item and recognizes it to be......A TAMPON IN ITS WRAPPER "OH MY GOD!! NOOOOO! OH NO NO NO! THIS IS THE MOST EMBARRASSING THING IN YEARS! YEARS!! OMG!

He: "No! It's OK! I've seen them before! I know! I'm so sorry, after I realized what it was I felt terrible and I thought maybe I shouldn't have said anything, she's gonna be really embarrassed! I'm sorry!

Me:" Oh God, no. This is just, oh god. OMG. I have no idea where it came from!" *clumsily checks well zipped up bag*

He: "I know, you look all zipped up there!"

Me: "please, can you pretend this never happened and you have no idea who I am if you ever see me again, please?

He: " OMG, yes, yes, I'm so sorry, so so sorry"

THE END.

Pic of the day

2010-04-25T18:46:00.000-07:00

It's official, I am a Yoga bigot

2010-04-25T18:15:00.000-07:00

OK, I'm on a hot rant right now and I'm gonna just free form on you. I haven't written like this in a bit so beware, Mount Fussbudget is due for an eruption. I just got into a VERY spirited discussion with a bunch of friends about Yoga among other things. Yes, Yoga. I know I've talked about my dislike for men who do it here in the past and my feelings have not changed. Not only have they not changed, they have intensified after two more experiences with Yoga practicing weirdos.

To be honest, after my last rant I felt like maybe I was being a bit bigoted and closed minded and I decided to give yoga do-ers a chance to see if maybe I was being unnecessarily harsh. I am here to report back that no, I was not. After checking, they are still fruit loops and I was correct in my assumption that there is something definitely off about male yoga doers. Female yoga do-ers seem to be a mixed group. Some are wound so tightly that you could bounce a quarter off their faces. These people LIVE to be offended by anything and everything. Others are just normal gals who want to stay in shape and strengthen etc. In all of this, gay men seem to get a free pass. I never met an annoying gay guy whose annoyingness was tied into his Yoga doing.

The thing about these yoga people is that there seems to be this super annoying douchey subculture related to it. Toss in meditation, vegetarianism/veganism, wearing skinny pants, driving a prius, being "spiritual but not religious", being "fiscally conservative but morally liberal", listening to indie bands and watching indie movies, owning a Mac and you've got the makings of a community of super annoying Chris Martins. See, all of these things in and of themselves do not annoy me, but when they all get combined it's the perfect storm for the making of a huge jerk. The weird part is, you would think that doing yoga would make these people relaxed but no. They are uptight and offended more easily than the average person in my experience and they are definitely neurotic to a large degree. Another thing is that self aware seems to equal self absorbed. They like to think they're all sensitive and in touch with feelings and such but in truth they are only sensitive to their OWN feelings, not yours or anyone elses. They make me want to hold them down whilst I eat a nice drippy slab of ribs in front of them.

I recently met two men who were yoga doers. The red light went off when I leaned this about them but I said you know, don't be a judgemental asshole here, give this person a chance. I was rewarded with a completely humiliating experience with one of them. I won't even tell you the story but this man fancied himself to be quite the evolved person and he was the most lost, confused person I have ever encountered. He treated me like a disposable object, never apologized or tried to be a decent person. He was quite simply a nightmare who should have come with a warning label. Even now, the thought of him roaming around out there makes me wish I could warn others. He was trying so hard to be a "good person" that it seemed to be totally out of his reach. I look back on it now and I think, what the hell was I thinking in letting my guard down and giving this guy the chance to be with my fabulous self? I spent time with him trying to help him when he needed it and he just randomly dismissed me and acted like I did not exist for absolutely no reason. This after HE pursued ME and convinced me that he was "different". Oh he was different alright. He could have been my case study in my psych classes for my personality disorder unit. The thing is, I really wasn't even into him seriously but I considered him a budding friend. All I wanted was some respect back after giving it to him but he was unable to even manage something as simple as that. Honestly, he deserved to have "massengill" carved into his forehead. Remember the scenes in "Inglorious Basterds" where they carved the Nazi emblem into the captured Nazis foreheads? Well replace that with "massengill" and I would be a happy girl if I could inflict that on that thoughtless, rude man. The other Yoga doer was just flaky. Not much to tell you on it but there was something off about him from the very little that I knew about him. Had some odd quirks. Not a hurtful jerk, he was sexy, sweet and fun to be with and I really liked him a lot but there was something that just wasn't right there.

I think my point here is not to hate on all Yoga doers even if it seems that I am with this crazy scattered tirade of mine. It's not even the Yoga itself. Yoga, of course, has very clear health benefits and the same with vegetarianism, it's that it tends to be one symptom of many that leads to the fatal disease of douchebaggery. I assume part of it is location, but you want to find the most uptight, self-righteous, annoying bunch of wankers? I'm willing to bet it's the yoga, vegan, Mac owning, Prius driving, skinny pant wearing, meditating, indie rock listening set! Yet out of that lot, there will be at least one really cool person who can't stand the rest of the people who do what he does, there are always exceptions to this biased, blanket statement I'm making.

Oh, bonus for you, the discussion we had also included a rant on Natasha Beddingfield as well. I know. By now you must be wondering, what the hell does this woman actually like? Plenty! But it's not as cathartic to tell you about that as it is to bitch about the things that annoy me. It's not very fussbudgety to talk about things I like all the time is it?So Natasha Beddingfield. OK, the thing about her is, she has all the emotion of a Yoplait yogurt commercial. Kind of like...OMG, this yogurt is *expressing yourself in a heartfelt ballad* good. Does that make sense to you? I don't really know why I hate her. She seems sweet, I kind of feel bad about it but I almost want to kick her. She's just so... empowered woman write-in-journal I am my own person kind of... blah. She and Colbie Calait would frolic in sun drenched fields together. I seem to have an irrational dislike for these two broads. I do not like this entire genre of music. It makes me think of Grays Anatomy, Dawsons Creek and other stupid overwrought hour long dramas with bad dialogue and totally implausible story lines on network TV. That "pocket full of sunshine" song makes me want to kill something too, or wax my floor with something lemony smelling that will create sparkle. When I hear her music. I feel like I should be sipping a pro-biotic smoothie after my bikram yoga class and on my way to a day spa in my husbands Mercedes.

I am now signing off to do some power yoga, drink soy macchiatos and stand in front in the mirror, wearing my Louboutins thankyouverymuch.

PS.....the video I posted below pretty much sums up my feelings on Yoga guys. for some reason it wasn't embeddable in this post. I have actually met men that are not too far from this guy. .....enjoy

That's all for now :)

Inappropriate Yoga Guy - Yoga, Bitch!

2010-04-25T18:04:00.000-07:00

New shoes....

2010-04-24T14:30:00.000-07:00

I know, you're really turned on right now, aren't you? Try to focus and give me your honest opinion. Do you like my new shoes? I'm not sure if they are suitable for work or not. What do you think? I'm sorry for the beaver-like expression here. I was trying to maintain my balance and really get a good pic of the footwear for you.

I meant to share this website with you a long time ago, I love it. It's right up there for me with with peopleofwalmart.com . Hope this provides you with as many giggles as it does me.

That's all for now :)

Pic of the day :)

2010-04-24T14:22:00.001-07:00

How did they not see this when they designed this building?

The saddest book ever written...

2010-04-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

Someone sent me this link today, there was a cute piece on SFweekly declaring this tome the saddest ever.I cannot take credit for this one. I was dying of laughter at it. It really is kinda tragic isn't it? I love the little drawbridge coming out of her microwave door. WTF with that? I have never seen a microwave like that before. Tears with a dash of bitterness make a tasty marinade don't they? What is one person going to do with all that food? Is Marie going to binge like a drug addict on it to forget about her loneliness? Can you imagine her madly overdecorating that little cake for one in front of her in between crying bouts? "Just what are you bitchez looking at? I'm worth it dammit! Cake for one? WHY THE FUCK NOT? GO TO HELL HATERS!"

OK, which one of you is messing with my head?

2010-04-20T19:43:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry I don't have one of those fabulous inspirational, informational blogs that makes you want to be a better person or enriches your mind or whatever. This blog is basically a mishmash of whatever with a little bit of crazy thrown in. I'm about to tell you something so strange that you may question my sanity but I am a bit freaked out and I want to vent a bit before I go to bed. I realize I am risking you thinking I'm crazy but, whatever. If you have a weak stomach or you are irritable and don't want to listen to a lot of senseless rambling, get out now.Here goes....

I went out today for quite a while. I live alone.When I came home, I went to my bathroom. What I found there was not something I expected. I'm going to try to be be as frank as possible without grossing you out. There was something in my toilet that I did not leave there. Get the picture? At first, I thought maybe I forgot to flush but then I remembered, I didn't go before I went out. I am sure of it because being on Weight Watchers and being obsessed with the happenings of my bod I am really aware of these things. I follow the workings of my body pretty closely. I know for a fact that the item in question was not produced by me, it simply wasn't one of mine. I know what mine look like and that one was not born from me. Have I totally lost you yet or should I continue?

At this point I was getting scared but I knew I was alone in my apt and no one was lurking. After losing my keys last Friday night and getting the extra set from my ex, no one has my keys now, not even my landlord. For a minute, I wondered about the plumbing. Could something have backed up in there? I don't think so, not something that already went down and even so, that thing was not mine!

In the midst of all this, I spoke to a friend about this to try and calm myself down. Being upset and a little freaked I told him the situation. He was completely silent for a second and then he said "how can you be sure that isn't yours?" I went through the whole thing with him again and we reasoned out a few scenarios and none of it made sense. He told me to take pics of it for some reason so I did, "evidence"and all. At this point he mentioned a guy he works with who is an ex cop and he said we should call him and ask him if I should file a report. Can you imagine it? "Officer, there is poop in my toilet and I don't know where it came from, please send a squad car over stat". That would be a classic down at the station. "Hey Bill, remember that crazy call we got about a random drive by turding 3 years ago?" Anyway,I felt really stupid but he called the guy and the guy called me back and I told him the sitch.

His first comment was "how do you know it's not yours?" I went through the whole thing AGAIN with being on WW'ers and knowing my body etc etc. He actually said "oh yeah, my wife is doing that too". We talked about it for a bit and he said I could file a report if I wanted to but there was nothing they could do. He sounded a little disbelieving of me too, even he, a NYC cop. They've heard it all and he said he never heard one like this before. I could tell he thought I was nuts and he probably wanted to laugh at me. I wish I had a DNA kit to prove that thing wasn't mine. I really want to be vindicated on this one

Here's my question to you, if you came home and found that in your toilet and you knew it wasn't yours, what would you do? Would you question your sanity? The plumbing? Your forgetfulness? I've told this scenario to a few people and everyone responds with "how do you know it's not yours?" People, do you really not know what came from your own body? I guess I'm a sick freak because I look, yes I do. Maybe I've been listening to too much Dr Oz lately, but looking at it helps me see if what I'm eating is agreeing with me and what I need to tweak in my diet. Am I getting too gross and graphic for you? Well if I am you are a pussy and you don't belong here, run along now.

I'm actually wondering if it was the locksmith who changed my lock back when my ex fucked me over and was acting insane. I changed the lock about a year and 1/2 ago. That locksmith asked me out three times. I bumped into him twice after the lock change. Losing my keys Friday night also seems connected to this. What drama that one was! I was locked out in torrential rain and remembered that I gave my new set of keys to my ex when we got back together for a brief while (yes I am a complete asshole and need to be yelled at and mocked severely by Dr Phil, Dr Laura, Judge Judy and whoever else is nasty and yells at stupid women who give their ex's their keys like I did).

Anyway, he ran over here quickly so I didn't have to pay a locksmith to get me in. The good part was at the time of my call for help, he was on his way to a date with some chick who is even older than me (WOW) and has a kid. This after he said he wanted someone younger than me. My drama kind of put a damper on his date. Good on that I say after all the pain and heartache that man caused me. I still adore him and love him and I am eternally grateful to him but damn did that man ruin me and he has no idea what he put me through. I also mocked him and told him to have fun with his 'laday friend". That actually felt pretty good.

Good God I am tired and confused and have a headache just telling you this disjointed story. I can only imagine the agony you must be in after trudging through it all. I imagine I must sound like a total tangential, hyper mental patient but its called "venting" and my filter is off right now.
Anyhow, now I'm a little nervous to sleep here tonite alone and I'm wondering where this this monster came from. And how was your day?

Cute pic of the day :)

2010-04-14T19:36:00.001-07:00

Oh No She Di'int !

2010-04-14T18:19:00.000-07:00

OPRAH AND JON TESH? REALLY OPRAH? REALLY?

This was quite the gross out for me last night. Apparently O and the Teshter had a case of jungle fever back in the 70's. My ex told me this in a matter of fact way. He knows that I read the Enquirer as my guilty pleasure when I want to totally unwind and not think after a hard week. I actually screamed out NO!! NO WAY!! SHE CHEATED ON GALE? Then the full story came out about him dumping her due to race or whatever. Entertainment tonight was covering this like it was Watergate or something. OK, that part, if it's true, is really sad and pathetic on Jon Teshs part even if it was 1974. With Kitty Kelly being behind it who knows the real deets but Tesh did confirm dating Lady O when she was really young. This grosses me out like nothing else. Yeah, I'm judgin'. Sorry but ew. Jon Tesh is dating down for anyone. Even for you and me as ordinary non-famous citizens. If one of you commented here "but I dated Jon Tesh in the 70's" ,first of all I would track you down and smack you and then I'd say even to you "WHAT? you didn't think you could do better than THAT?" Incidentally, do you not love this pic of Jon Tesh? It is actually his face superimposed over Mary Harts' 80's 'do. It's not too far from the truth actually.

The thing about Jon Tesh is, he is a big blond Frankenstein of a guy. He is creepy. And he writes the fruitiest new age music. It's horrid. Sort of like Yanni. And Yanni got busted for beating up his GF years ago. I am still shocked that the lovely Linda Evans dated Yanni for a million years too. WTF kind of magical powers do these new agey guys seem to have over gorgeous women? Thank God I'm ugly and not famous or I'd feel at risk for being charmed by one of these nutbags. There's a lot behind those creepy new agey guys. I cannot believe Tesh has been married to the beautiful Connie Selleca for so long. I loved her when I was a kid. She seemed so normal , WTH has she been doing with Jon Tesh for all these years? For the life of me I cannot imagine Jon Tesh doing ANYBODY and lord knows I've tried over the last day. For whatever reasons he grosses me out and sets off something almost violent in me. Go figure. I guess he does have magical powers after all, only they seem to be negatively magical on me. After absorbing this for a few minutes I realized that Oprah did date Roger Ebert years ago too so this really isn't THAT surprising. Bless her for giving ugly dudes a chance like she has. No wonder Gale won out as her soul mate in the end. OK, that about does it, I guess I'm done expressing my shock and horror at this little nugget of the celebrity dating archives.

Carry on all..... :)

I'm a Belieber

2010-04-04T17:22:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been noticing that where ever I turn, I seem to be hearing about this Justin Beiber kid. He's today's answer for the Leif Garretts, Andy Gibbs and Scott Baio's of my day. Yes, I realize I'm dating myself but it seems like the idols of my day actually had chest hair of some sort and some of them even had drivers licenses. Justin Beiber is 16 but he looks 12. The girls in his videos all look bigger than him. I know it's horrible, bitchy and mean for a grown woman like me to me to gripe about a 16 year old sensation but too fucking bad, it's my blog and he's annoying the crap out of me lately so there. I just suddenly became aware of this kid recently. Last year there was a mob scene at a mall nearby here where they had to call in the cops because people went wild for this kid. I had never heard of him. Honestly, he's not all THAT bad, I think I may be feeling a bit jealous at this kid having more radiant skin than me. Life just isnt fair.

The crazy thing is, I have been hearing his songs on the radio and I thought it was a chick! I was actually tapping my toes to "Baby" thinking, "I wonder who this girl is?"and "Oh, that sounds like Ludicris" I had no idea it was a teenage boy! I gotta tell ya I hate to admit it ,but the song actually was pretty catchy. And the video was pretty cute, at least the Ludicris part. To make matters worse, he totally reminds me of a younger Ellen Page, you know that girl from the movie Juno? Look at her. Now look at him. See what I mean? He almost has a trendy lesbian vibe to him. I ain't buying the teen boy thing right now, something is off for me. I have a weird suspicion that he's actually 35 and he's already gone through puberty. Sort of like Ralph Macchio in the Karate Kid. Remember that? He was 23 when he filmed Karate Kid and he easily looked 14. It was freaky. Even now he looks a lot younger than his 49 years. As far as Justin, I wonder what's gonna happen to that voice once he hits puberty? Will his career be over? Should be interesting.

Strangely, Justin signed a contract with R&B superstar Usher after his manager saw him on you tube. Now, Usher is grooming him to be an R&B/pop performer to the point where Ludricris was featured on one of his recent songs! Justin Beibers followers are called...are ya ready for this?....BELIBERS! I have to admit I had a nice laugh at hearing that one. Is anyone else surprised by this? Usher, lucked out here because this kid is becoming huge. I pray to God he doesn't become a bloated, unrecognizable mess in a few years from now while wigged out on presciption pain meds and cheap booze. Big lesson here for me as well, do something fabulous on you tube STAT and stop wasting your greatness in your apartment alone.

All this makes me wonder a bit, what the hell is going on with girls now? Why are their idols so girlish? I mean, we had Johnny Depp way back when during his "21 Jump Street" days and he was quite the lady back then but still, you knew he was a boy for sure. I realize that tweens are not gonna go for a guy who seems to be any kind of a threat with his masculinity or sexuality, they still need it to be all innocent and swoonish but this Beiber kid looks like he should be dating Taylor Lautner. Can't you picture Taylor Lautner dating her? I totally could. Miley Cyrus looks like she could be his mother for crying out loud. I don't know what's more maddening for me lately....being haunted by Miley Cyrus's "Party in the USA or Justin Beibers "One Less Lonely Girl". I actually like "One Less Lonely Girl". There, I said it. That is one sweet video, go over to youtube and watch it, seriously, it makes me feel young and hopeful again, props to the Beibster on that one.

Oh and in case you havn't seen it there is a really popular and hilarious video of a 3 year old little girl who is crying hysterically because she loves Justin Beiber so much. He actually surprised her on Jimmy Kimmel. Even my hardened heart thought this was adorable, especially the part where the phone rings and she thinks its him.

Was that not the cutest thing? It almost made him bearable for me.

Anyway, now that I've come across as a haggy, bitter old woman and criticized this child mercilessly, I guess I'll step down from my podium for the time being. Justin, not that you're reading this, but I hope you make me a fool and go on to do really great things. Stay away from drugs and loose women/men, DO NOT make any sex tapes of yourself or at least wait till you're a has been and use to it revive your sagging career. Oh and make sure you do a stint in drug rehab or better yet, sex rebab. Sex rehab is the new drug rehab, FYI. Everyone who's anyone is in sex rehab, has done it or is planning to do it. I really do hope for the best for you despite my vicious attack on ya. Even I can admit that some of your songs are...catchy. 'Nuff said.

PEACE OUT YO *Z gang sign Z*

Easter Reflections...

2010-04-02T17:18:00.000-07:00

I was thinking today about Easter when I was little. I was a fat, awkward kid. This was back when chubbiness could be cute if you were a certain age. Easter was a major score for a fat kid like me. Next to Halloween, it was the best holiday in that large amounts of candy were not only OK, they were actually given to you by adults.

My mom used to sew and Easter time was a big thing for her. We were church goers and people dressed up at that time. She always used to make me an Easter dress every year. We would go and pick out the fabric and we would go to the sewing place and look at all the patterns. At the time, I wanted a "maxi" dress. This was all the rage at that time in the 70's. People wore "maxi" dresses and "maxi" coats. They were floor length. Think Maude/Bea Arthur. I had a few Bea Arthur-esque vests in my repertoire too and I really thought I was the shit. After the fabric and pattern was chosen my mother would pin it on me, doing her thing and then sew it all together on her machine. We'd go to the Buster Brown shop and I'd get my Easter shoes, usually white, and I was all set. One year, she took a ceramics class and she made me a ceramic Easter Basket. She was so proud of herself. That day she gave it to me I clumsily dropped it and it partially broke. She screamed at me and all the pictures from Easter that year are of me holding my broken Easter basket with big tears in my eyes and a nasty scowl. It makes me laugh now to look at that but at the time, oh what drama!

Now, looking back, how could I not have been fat? Food was such a huge thing for us. True I was a lot more active than a lot of kids now with no video games, no computer and playing outside and riding my bike daily but I loved my goodies and they were always around. We didn't even know what fat grams were at the time and there was no such thing as low fat anything. I don't blame my Mother at all, she had weight issues too and she joined weight watchers in the 70's when I was really young and she was successful, at losing a significant amount.

I remember her sitting at the living room coffee table at night while she watched TV with a grapefruit, peeling it slowly and eating segment by segment with her glass of Fresca. Remember Fresca? Do they still make it? She told me that Weight Watchers taught her that if you eat something that takes time to get to (like the peeling of the grapefruit) it seems like you are eating more and it occupies your hands when you are bored and wanting to eat. To this day, I try to do that with fruit(my blood oranges) when I have that restless "I wanna eat something" feeling. I try to pick something that takes a little effort to eat so it lasts longer and gives me something to do for a bit. She also used to have half a cantaloupe at night with a scoop of frozen iced milk in the center(that's what they called it at the time). That was a big treat for her too. She always tried to share with me what she learned but I wouldn't have it. I wasn't ready. Even in my 20's, I wasn't ready. She would sometimes make gentle comments about my weight when I would complain about it, she wanted to help and one day I turned to her and said, "do you think I will ever lose this weight?" She turned to me and softly said "of course you will, when you're ready". She was right.

It took me till I was 31 years old to be ready. That was the year after she died. I wonder why I waited so long? I'm sure there are a host of reasons but a big part of it was probably recognizing my own mortality and the fact that time was limited, I wasn't going to live forever and I wanted to enjoy my time here somewhat as a thin person. I also think I felt like it was time to say goodbye to the old me, the me who had experienced a lot of traumas and struggles and to stop hiding behind my fat. My fat was safe, I was non-threatening and not a risk taker. Nothing was expected of me. Or maybe I should say, I expected nothing of myself therefore no one else did either. Domino effect, no? After the weight loss I think it was no coincidence that I went back to school for a different career and got into the most serious relationship of my life. I finally began to LIVE. One day I looked in the mirror and all of a sudden, I realized that I was pretty. I just "became" pretty overnight. Of course this is not literally true, it is what happened in my head, through my own eyes. I saw the girl my mother always saw, the girl that was always there and after finally getting to the point where I learned to appreciate and like myself, everything about me changed, even my looks!

It's funny but someone actually told me today that she thought of me as a take charge kind of person who could handle anything. I don't feel like that at all but no one ever saw me like that when I was obese. I certainly didn't. Maybe it has nothing at all to do with that weight but more with who I became when I shed myself of it. I stopped apologizing for who I was and I have worked on becoming who I wanted to be. These are all things to really think about. They also lend truth to my thoughts that no one is fat because of their love for food, being fat is a "condition" that comes on related to whatever is going on in your life that makes you overeat. Essentially, "I came down fat" because I was completely stumped at how to cope with my traumas and stresses and food seemed to be the answer at the time. I blame no one, as a matter of fact, I thank God that I did not become a drug addict or an alcoholic. Food was the least of all evils considering the additions that ran rampant in my family.

Anyway, It's funny how 35 years later, I still vividly remember my Mother developing her healthy habits when at the time I don't remember thinking much of it. It made quite the impact on me and I wish she was still alive to tell her so. Another thing I'm realizing is that my relationship with my mother is still continuing and all that bullshit that people say when someone dies about the person never really leaving you is actually true. True, she is not here physically but I am constantly amazed at how things she said and did are still with me, traditions she taught me, advice she gave me...all of it. It's still here in my head so basically, she is still alive and well in my gray matter. I never ever believed this when people would say it to me, that a person lives on. I was too literal but now, after being without her for almost 15 years, I finally see what they meant. I still dream of her and actually have conversations with her and what a treasured treat that is. If you are a parent and reading this, do not underestimate the impact your habits and behaviors can have on your family/children. Even many years later after you are gone, you might be surprised at what sticks!

Happy Easter Everyone!

Random stuff and coming out with my love for "Nips"

2010-03-31T14:46:00.000-07:00

I know, someone said to me recently "wow, a lot of words piss you off". I don't know if that's true, oh hell, who am I kidding? It's true. After all, I AM a fussbudget. "Make love" and "panties" are still tops for me, even just typing "ML" makes my skin crawl. I recently had a guy say he wanted to ML to me and I wrinkled my nose and told him to never ever say that again. Ever. Not only that, but after he said it, it totally ruined any chance he ever had of getting some from me.. so here are a few more, mostly annoying mispronunciations...

Di-a-beee-tees
Conversating
Irregardless
One in the same
And what not
At the end of the day
supposably
And so on and so forth
Ree-la-tor
Kay-suh-dill-uh (Quesadilla)
Persay (for per se)
Expresso (Espresso)
Be pacific (Be specific)
Axe (Ask)
Sangwich (sandwich)
Nook-yoo-ler (Nuclear)
Argh
Gah
Excalator (escalator)
Wah Lah! (voila)
horse du vors or are derb (Hors D'ovres)
prolly (probably)
expecially (especially)
eyerack (Iraque)
Valentimes day
Libary
"Lets touch base"
"We keep playing phone tag"
never the less
Febuary
special lady (unless you are a 70's R&B singer)
lady friend (who the hell actually says this? I want to kick men that say this. She's more than a friend when this is used, it's so stupid)
making whoopie (unless you're on The Newlyweds)

Also, another random mention, I am really enjoying "nips" and I wanted to give them some respect here. You know those candies from nestle? They come in a box and they come in a few flavors? I have the butter rum and coffee flavors. They were on sale for .99c a box this week. They are only 30 calories a piece and such a good thing for me when I am having a sweet craving and do not want to eat. They are hard candies and after I suck on one of those for 10 minutes or so, I usually do not want anything else sweet. I used to keep hard Werthers around for this, they really kill my sweet cravings but I like the options you have with the flavors of Nips. so yeah, you heard that right, I am enjoying sucking on nips lately. Does anyone else see a problem with this? Come on Nestle, did you really do that on purpose? A man must have come up with that name for sure.

That's all for now :)

Farewell My Good Friend!

2010-03-27T12:40:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I am officially in mourning. It is with great sadness that I must tell you of the closing of my very favorite store on earth. Yes kids, my beloved Takashimaya will be no more as of June 19th! I am completely stunned. I posted pics here of my wonderful birthday lunch there, it is the most wonderful place for quiet, relaxing shopping and a stunning lunch. Did you know that lunch had the ability to be stunning? I didn't until I ate there years ago and I've been going back ever since. The store is huge in Japan and is still there and it came here in 1958. I am just so sad that it is leaving New York City. I know it's hard to imagine, but picture a store that feels like a very expensive home. Intimate, soft lighting, quiet. Items from all over the world, the best of the best yet no one ever made you feel pressured or like you were not welcome if you weren't spending. This was Takashimaya.

I feel like a weirdo admitting how devastated this makes me feel, but it does. I am not a big shopper these days, I hate those fancy, high end 5th avenue venues but this was different. I have sat in the tea box with my BFF crying over broken relationships, talking about new ones, bitching about work, raving about a new lipstick or perfume. It's just MY place. I've always felt like whenever things are rough, going to "Tak' for lunch always made me feel better. Just sitting in that calm environment, having a beautiful pot of exquisite tea and gazing at the perfectly prepared plates of fabulous food always made everything seem not so bad. Even the cool triangular shopping bags were different than anyplace else. I am sitting here right now adorned with my $48 lipstick (YES! CRAZY RIGHT? ITS LIKE BUTTAH AND WORTH EVERY CENT!!) that I bought there and I am barely able to choke back my diva tears. I am now taking to my bed to try and process this horrible situation. I may get up later and use my $120 (YES!! I KNOW! NUTS! I THOUGHT I LOST MY MIND TOO BUT DAMN ITS WORTH IT!) body cream from there as a pick me up, we'll see.

No one in that store ever had an attitude despite the tony location or the hefty price tags. That is more than I can say for Bergdorfs, Barneys and the like. Anyway, if you are in NYC or if you will be here before June 19th I beg of you to go to Takashimaya to experience it before it's gone. The building itself is beautiful and has an almost haunting quality to it. Go shop and have a bento box lunch and dessert at the Tea Box downstairs. you won't be sorry and you will always have that memory of what shopping should be like.

That's all for now :)

A Man Like My Dad

2010-03-27T12:17:00.000-07:00

So this Sandra Bullock debacle really got me thinking lately. About a lot of things. I don't want to sound jaded or anything but her husbands behavior did not surprise me. Tiger Woods behavior didn't surprise me either. I'm actually more surprised at people being surprised by any of this.

I learned the hard way that thinking the person you're with would never ever "do that" is totally naive and stupid. I'm beginning to think that every man cheats somehow and in some way and many women put up with it or just accept it or even turn a blind eye to it. I am not one of these women. When I was cheated on, that was it. I was devastated, sick inside, just beyond anything. I lost 17 lbs in three weeks, I was physically ill as well as emotionally destroyed. I still do not understand how anyone can behave so selfishly when the feelings of the person they claim to "love" are at stake. Why not leave first before you go and do something like that?

Since my experience, I have dated quite a few men and none of them instilled any confidence in me whatsoever. While I enjoyed my time with them, I could imagine every one of them hurting me and many of them did. This did not surprise me. I don't know whether it's my total body of experience or the particular ones I've had but I really have sort of settled into where I am and I'm realizing that everything has an expiration date. Relationships, even people!

I wonder why things have come to this? Why people now seem to feel that other people are "disposable"? Like there is another person just around the corner so who gives a fuck what happens with this one? I am sure computers/technology have a lot to do with this. Online dating is like shopping. People get into this mindset that everything should be easy and if it isn't then why bother with it? Onto the next!

I remember how it was between my parents. My father was cut from a different cloth than men now. He worshipped my mother and she did him. They were a team. They both worked even though it was at a time when a lot of women still did not. They shared household chores. They used to make a picnic and go to the beach together after work in the summer to eat. They would just sit there and talk and enjoy each other. It makes me almost cry to think of how sweet they were together. They were like that till the very end too. They had such struggles and such hard times together but you know what? They rode it out and they never forgot why they loved each other. The things they went through were things that most people today would run away from but they never did. They made it through and they both realized that this is what makes relationships stronger and it is never going to be fabulous all the time. That's the way life is. Of course you don't hang around if abuse is an issue but I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about everyday stuff. Why the hell does anyone get married now? I remember hearing something that Dr Phil said a while back. Now I really really loathe Dr Phil so for me to give him credit for anything must be big but he once said that people spend all their time planning for the wedding and don't even think about the actual marriage. Tru dat Phil.

I sometimes feel like I was born in the wrong era. I am the kind of person my parents were. When I love someone, I love them. I will stick by them when its hard because I have faith that it's going to swing up and get better again. I have been to hell and back several times in my life and I'm a better person for it. I learned this from my parents. When bad things happen I always try to remember that there is a lesson in it for me that my higher power wants me to learn and I always try to use the experience to grow and become a better person for it. I refuse to play into a "victim" poor me role and I have no tolerance for people who do that. It's a waste of time and counterproductive. I'm not always positive, I have my shitty down times but overall I do not give in to negativity. If I did I would still be fat and making minimum wage and I am not. I have not met anyone else like this. Don't think I will at this point but that's OK. Being in my 40's now I feel like every relationship I'm in takes on a sort of "Simpson's" or South Park" type of spoof quality to it. I can almost see the time line things go on, where it's headed , the drama's along the way and the inevitable end.

Someone even said to me once that he considered 10 years with someone to be a "good run" and a success. I can't believe I'm finally agreeing with him but I now think I do. My dream is to find what my parents had and if I can't find that I don't want anything at all. I want a man like my Dad, a good honest person with no bullshit involved. Their relationship wasn't perfect, they had some downs with the ups but they were dedicated to making it last and I don't' think there is anyone left who thinks like this anymore. Frankly, I would rather be alone and happy than with someone who makes me miserable. I'm not a settler, that's for sure.

Seeing Sandra Bullock in the midst of this upheaval after the biggest highlight of her career really makes me so sad for her. The way she thanked that selfish son of a bitch and credited him with her success really makes me ill. It seems that she truly believed he was genuine and she trusted him with her heart. Now, that trust is really going to be nearly impossible for her to give to another so purely again. I can only imagine how painful going through something like this in public view must be. You can't imagine it if you haven't experienced it and I am sure she is suffering like hell right now. In the end, she will probably come to the same conclusion I did, that you can't change others, you can't make them behave as you want them to. It would be nice if people had an attention span of more than a month or so but apparently no one does now. You do not have that control over others behaviors nor should you ever have it. The only thing that you do have control over is your own behavior and your reaction to others. Every experience teaches you lessons you need to learn and if you can calm down and see that life will make a lot more sense to you when it throws you it''s curves. It is in your own actions that you really can take some responsibility for your decisions and actions and be the best version of you possible!

I'd like to close this rambly post with a really great twist on the serenity prayer a friend sent me. I really love this, it has given me such peace and acceptance lately with a lot of things...

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the people I cannot change
the courage to change the one I can
and the wisdom to know.....
it's me

That's all for now :)

Grandma Bloomers as a Catalyst for Change

2010-03-16T14:59:00.000-07:00

Somethings gotta change here. It just has to. Today, I actually walked into K-Mart and, and....I bought a three pack of underwear. How depressing is that? People, I am in a very dark place right now. It was a wake up call. I don't subscribe to being a vixen on a daily basis but buying that utilitarian "grandma bloomer" type of underwear is a huge indicator of how I've been feeling lately. I have such a case of the fuckits and I honestly don't know what to do about it. I feel ancient and fug and I don't know why. You would think I would be in maximum hot mode having lost some weight and having the best hair on earth and a pretty dynamite personality going on here but no, I feel like the most unwanted toad on earth. It's pretty distressing. I feel invisible. Maybe this is what happens to a woman in her 40's? I've heard about it, that you sort of stop mattering and people ignore you. Even feeling like dirt lately, I still think I'm pretty hot shit so this doesn't seem to be it at this point.

I sort of believe that I was meant for something really great. I realize that saying this here really gives my future court appointed psychiatrist a lot of ammunition when I snap and kill or mame someone in the future in a PMS rage but I'm willing to take that risk and just put it out here for everyone to read. I'm not saying this because I want to be known for something, that's not it, I just feel like my life is so damned mediocre right now I want to scream. I like my life, its not a bad life, I have a rewarding career which is a far cry from the Mcjobs I had years ago but I feel like this is not the final act for me despite having two other careers before this current one. But what the fuck should I be doing and why do I think so much? WHY MUST I THINKTHINKTHINK LIKE I DO? It has always been a curse. I over analyze every damned thing in my life. I've been like this since birth. I'm sure If I could conjure up the memory I probably even questioned my dear mothers diaper and formula choices for me. Why can't I just be one of those people who gets married, pops a kid out and lives a predictable existence forever after and never wonders what could have been, just lives in that life and is happy as a pig in slop about it? Why does that sound like death to me? I am completely mental. It's like I have ants in my pants to do something different but I don't know what. I really think something is coming though, change is coming.

I've said it before but I really feel it. Lately I have been feeling a weird sensation, sort of like the ozonic hum in the air before a big thunderstorm. You know that feeling? You hear that weird eerie buzz in the air and there are wavy lines coming up off the pavement. It smells metallic, earthy, almost fizzy in the air. You know its coming, you don't know when or how bad it will be but its sort of exciting and you want to be safe from it yet you want to see and experience it fully.

You know what? I'm thinking maybe I need to go on some cheesy reality show and make an ass out of myself. Maybe then I would figure something out or at least have some excitement and be on to the next thing. Maybe I could be "America's Next Top Curmudgeon." There are quite a few things lately that are annoying the hell out of me. Or, "The Spinster". This would be great wouldn't it? All about my riveting dating exploits up close and personal. Instead of giving the keepers a rose or whatever like they do on the bachelor, I'd give them an extra thick slice of peppered bacon fried up nicely. Why not? " Billy, will you accept this bacon?" Any man who says no is clearly crazy.

But back to the current state of affairs... besides buying fugly undies, the high point of my day has been getting a lot of hits here on the piece I wrote with that pic of the vagina light switch. I don't know what sick bastard out there linked to THAT of all things but this is yet another winning moment for me, to be known for something tasteless and tacky. Is anyone reading anything heartfelt I've said here? Nooooooo. They're all looking at a light switch that resembles a freaking vagina. Yay. Please don't be sad if I blow my brains out by the end of this week. I've had a good life, really.

That's all for now.

The Weight Of Fame

2010-03-09T14:24:00.001-08:00

So I watched the Oscars Sunday, I usually do. I haven't seen a lot of the movies but I love it for the same reasons most girls do, dresses, hair, makeup and schmecksy men all cleaned up. As I was watching I was imagining what it must feel like to be a person nominated for something or even just what it must be like to be a person who is famous. It's not something I would ever want or strive for but I really do admire certain actresses and actors. Sandra Bullock is one of my all time faves and I was so happy to see her win.

So all of that said, this is what I was really thinking, if that was me and I was famous I would be one of those stars who ends up in the Enquirer on a regular with headlines screaming "LMF's baby bump! Are she and Hugh expecting?!!!" The answer my friends would be NO. She had a burger and fries followed up with two days of eating ice cream every night and now she is back on track again...but thanks for asking!

It really kills me when weight related stories rear their ugly head . What I really really want to know is, how do they know that Oprah is 258 lbs? EXACTLY 258? Not 263, not 243 but no, she is 258 dammit and don't you forget it! You've seen it haven't you? "OPRAH HITS 258, WILL DIE BY JUNE". Then it is followed with an article about how she was spotted at a buffet at some swanky spa(you like that? She does only frequent "swanky" places right?) and some lovely person took mental notes that she had not only pancakes and sausage, she had the NERVE to go back for eggs Benedict and a hot fudge sundae on her vacation! What must she be thinking?!!!! Then there are comments from "sources" that she was also seen with her BFF Gale eating cinnamon rolls and blueberry muffins in the front seat of her car. I am fairly certain, this would be the type of famous person I would be, followed and hounded every time I ate something other than salad. "Spotted: LMF out and about in NYC, attempts to satisfy her insatiable craving for cupcakes with a large box from Crumbs". Of course this would be followed by a pic of my love interest getting a lap dance because he has lost interest in me for being average. Or better yet, a pic of me being fed by my love interest (which you ought to know by now is the scintillating Mr Hugh Jackman) with a caption "spotted: big screen beefcake spoon feeds his colossal cutie at LA's coldstone creamery."

The other one that really bugs me is "KIRSTIE ALLEY DRS WARN: DIABETES NITEMARE AND MASSIVE HEART ATTACK LOOMING FOR HOLLYWOOD HEAVYWEIGHT". Just who are these Drs? OK. first of all, I love the way they use phrases like "Hollywood heavyweight" and "large and in charge" or "plus sized princess" . With Kirstie, some person loves to tell on her for ordering Chinese food and eating out a lot. They also like to point out how massive she is as if she is sub human. For Christs sake, I used to be 232 lbs, probably close to what she is and I was not about to drop dead or anything. Honestly, I did look pretty bad, but I wasn't a circus freak or anything. Note to self: if I ever become famous make everyone that comes within 3 feet of me sign a form forbidding them from talking about my food choices and intake.

Oh two last things: I was thinking about when when a sickly thin famous person gains weight and looks...average. They ALWAYS, ALLLLLLWAYS refer to them as "ballooning" up. I will never ever forget when I was a preteen and Cheryl Tiegs tormented me with her stick thin figure. She gained weight after a pregnancy or something and I remember them saying she "ballooned' up to 145 lbs. It was a huge deal at the time. Um....THAT IS MY GOAL! EXCUSE ME? And lastly, if I have to hear one more time about the wonderment of why Pierce Brosnan stays with his overweight wife I will explode. It's as if overweight women don't deserve love or it casts aspersions on whether or not he has lost his mind with being attracted to a fat chick! She was thin when they met and now...she's not. Lets all kill her and ridicule him for continuing to love his chubby wife! How nuts is this one? She still looks quite pretty, she is large and needs to rethink wearing a bikini IMO but she is a confident woman with a hunky rich guy for a husband. She's doing way better than me and 99% of the population out there. If I was her I would tell TMZ to SUCKIT and find another person to fuck with.

That's all for now :)

SHE LIVES.

2010-03-04T14:25:00.000-08:00

I know I know. WHERE ON EARTH DID SHE GO?

I'm sorry. If you really do exist and are reading out there I have been so damned preoccupied what with Weight Watchers (I am down 13 lbs!!!!! I'm a ROCK STAR BABY! 7 more to go!), and writing a blog over there on a daily basis about all that nonsense and my inner most thoughts and going ons...oh and being sick again for like weeks now. Um, what else. Oh, my insane ex is acting like a really crazy person and that has been making life really rocky even though he is my ex. He has made me cry about 6 times in two weeks. I'm over it and feeling pretty damned good if I do say so. What else can I tell you....lets see. AHA lotion has worked wonders for my skin and you'd better get some immediately, smoked pork chops and chocolate vita muffin tops have asked me to marry them lately, I need a belt for my pants now, "The Bachelor" is the biggest moron on earth, I love snowstorms and highly enjoy sitting on my ass at home lately when the weather is really shitty, I have a feeling that my life is really gonna take off this year in big ways. Of course, I've thought that last one since I was 27 and I'm still waiting so we'll see on that one.

Whoever you are out there reading, I still love that you are reading my brain static and will be making a comeback in the VERY near future. I am also wondering how things have been with you? Is that strange that I am wondering about you, dear reader who I have never spoken to? Well, I do. I hope you are healthy, happy, laughing, content....I really really do!

I will be posting here very soon. Hopefully this weekend.

Sassily yours....da Fuss xoxoxox

Love

2010-02-13T13:28:00.000-08:00

Valentines day. My favorite day of the year. That statement was a joke of course. I hate
Valentines day really. Well, "hate" is a strong word, I don't give it that much notice, it just annoys me a bit. Not because I'm a bitter lonely heart or anything, but I hate being told that I should be loving by the restaurant/retail/greeting card/floral industries. Love and being loving should be inherent, not manufactured, but I guess it's harder for some of us than others.

My ex used to make me feel like Valentines day was everyday. I miss that. I never realized when we were together how loving he was compared to other men. He always made me feel special, pretty, cute, intelligent,funny, beautiful, loved. No one else has ever made me feel those things all together since him. Even now, when he looks at me I still see it in his eyes, that adoration and appreciation, respect and caring for me as a human being. I was crying thinking about it last night but then I realized that I was being silly, that I should be smiling that I had that. And that I am loved by a few wonderful people out there.

Tomorrow on Valentines day, I will be spending the day with a very special person. We will be shopping, eating and smoking that delicious hookah that I'm currently addicted to. Fun stuff. As the years have passed, I've come to realize that love comes in many different forms and there really is no one form that is more important or valued than another no matter what society tells us.

There is the love of a parent for a child. A friend for a friend. A family member for a family member. Even between co-workers from sharing experiences and spending so much time together. This might sound kooky (I am a bit kooky FYI, sue me) but as I get older I feel more love inside me than I have felt in the past. Maybe I'm more in tune with it or I'm more giving and open to it? There are people that I meet, who touch me in meaningful ways and I keep them in my thoughts and try to send positive feelings in their direction. It's nothing that they are even aware of, nothing that I broadcast or get kissy and demonstrative about. I just think to myself, "that is a good person, I hope they go through life protected and with as little pain and suffering as possible". To me, that is a sort of "love" for my fellow human being.

I just laughed at the thought of giving people who I feel love for those little Valentines that school kids give out to each other. Do they still do that? I remember that like it was yesterday. I was liked but I was the fat awkward girl. None of the cute boys gave me those little cards. If they did, there was always a hidden message that insulted me like a picture of a cute piglet or something. Kids can be so mean. Anyway, I just imagined giving those out to the people I have fond feelings for. Like my news stand guy. Super nice human being. Always smiling, always has a positive comment. If it's snowing badly he will say "ahhh, we've been lucky, this is not bad at all" or, "it is so beautiful, do you like the snow?" We always greet each other warmly with "hello my friend!" He even brought me back a bottle of perfume from Egypt after he went to visit family because I always complimented him on his scent when I bought my papers from him. Who does that? He did. And for that, I think he's just a kind hearted, considerate person who deserves good thoughts. I'd love to give him that little "I choo choo choose you!" valentine with the locomotive train on the front like I posted above, remember that one? Isn't it the cutest? Of course, being from another culture and country he would surely think I was 1.)insane 2.)coming on to him, and I do not want to go in either of those directions with my friend.

I just feel lucky to be loved period. When my mom was alive, she always gave me a Valentines day card and I her. It always made me feel special and lucky. I know I will never feel that kind of love again and honestly, I don't expect to. No one ever loves you like your mother and don't you forget that because she won't be around forever. I don't think I'm ever going to feel the way my great romantic love made me feel with anyone again relationship wise but that love was just the tip of the iceberg for me. If I do not experience it again, I'm OK with it. I'm trying to re frame this into being grateful that I did have that special, intimate love even if it wasn't forever. Maybe that's a gift that not everyone finds. I did find it so I can look back and say I know what it feels like and how happy it made me. And who knows, maybe someone will be brave enough to love me again like that and I them.

Do I sound wacky and new agey today? Maybe I do but I just wanted to express what this "holiday" made me think about. Guess it's not such a bad holiday after all if it provoked such thoughts eh?

Whatever you do tommorow I hope you enjoy yourself and reflect on the special people in your life, not just your romantic partner if you have one.

That's all for now.

Bad boys bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

2010-02-12T19:07:00.000-08:00

So it's been a pretty exciting couple of days here I must say. I am now convinced that the universe is telling me that my destiny lies in law enforcement or a relationship with a cop.

Yesterday, I was on my way to work, skipping up the subway steps running toward the turnstile to jump onto the train that I could hear above. As I made my leap into the station a cop yelled out "MISS STOP OVER HERE!" I was a little taken a back by that but I obeyed and did as I was told. It seems that I was chosen at random for a search in the......*cue to dramatic music* WAR ON TERROR. Yep, lil' ole me. My bag was rifled through, my laptop was scrutinized and then, then the fun part. I was patted down and in a really professional gesture, my hair was tousled. I made a comment to the guy who did that "I'm having a hard time believing that hair tousling is standard procedure." He smirked. That was my excitement for the day. Oh and BTW, my freaking Weight Watchers point finder calculator came under scrutiny and I had to explain what it was. As soon as the words "Weight Watchers" were uttered that guy looked at me like I was a crazy female on some crazy diet. I think that above all else, that erased any suspicions that I was a threat to our nations security. (Unless of course, Al Quada has "at work" meetings).

Everyone I mentioned it to asked me the same thing, "What did you do?" as if I actually did something suspicious to warrant the search. I didn't of course. I have been responding to that question with "I was guilty of being hot in the third degree". Here in NYC, cops can basically do whatever they fancy under the guise of protecting us from terror threats. I'm not complaining, I'd rather have them paying attention and all but it was kind of disruptive to be caught up in it a bit.

My cop theme continued today when I went to the Dr early this AM to find his office in complete disarray and everyone freaking out. Turns out, they had been robbed overnight and they just got there before me. I walked in and they told me what the situation was and within minutes guess who was buzzing the door? Yep, you got it. THE COPS. 4 of them this time, in full investigative mode. I sat there with another older lady waiting calmly for things to subside so we could have our appointments but I couldn't help being amused at it and the fact that this was my second experience with police in as many days. More of them arrived and at one point there were 8 of them milling about. The candy dish on the counter was a hot destination for them and one of them started chatting me up. Oh and by the way, I was pretty satisfied with myself that I did not turn to that candy dish for stress relief especially when the guy came in to dust for fingerprints. Thanks to my self control there, my crime ridden past shall remain a secret. Take that "Americas Most Wanted"/John Walsh.

Oh and ladies, let me tell you, this is a PERFECT example of why you should always wear a tad of makeup and make an effort when you're leaving the house. This really was one of those "you never know" situations. I was feeling pretty relieved that I had the sense to dab on some concealer and blush and gloss up my lips before I ran out. The best part was when the cute one who was flirting with me told me to lay down and play dead so they could make a chalk outline like on CSI, it was so romantic. Moments like this really are golden aren't they?

That's all for now :)

Yoo Hoo!

2010-02-11T13:50:00.000-08:00

I know, I know...where have I been? I'm sorry, on the very off chance that you come here regularly to read I have been a bad blogger/person and not posting over the last week or so.....reasons why?

1.)I've been tired beyond belief AGAIN and worried that my stupid iron levels are falling. Going to the Dr tom to get checked out.

2.)I have another blog that I've been writing short entries on daily and I'm talked out. Yes, believe it or not, I'm talked out.

3.)I will be writing here this weekend and still love you all (if anyone even exists out there and is reading this).

4.)I have lost 12 pounds (so far, 10 more to go)and am trying to fulfill my prophecy to be a sexual goddess and it's taking me away from the computer more than I would like.

5.)I just had a baby.

6.)I just won the lotto.

7.)That is me to the right.

If you can guess which of these statements is untrue, you will win my undying respect and devotion. I may even change your diapers when you get old and need to wear them. Be good and see ya in a day or two! xoxoxo

A Tribute to Omar

2010-02-02T13:43:00.000-08:00

I decided to become an Occupational Therapist after my mother passed away and I was trying to make sense of why I was here in this world and what my purpose was. It was at that time that I decided to make my existence matter in some small way. I wasn't blessed with material riches and I probably never will be. Frankly, while I wish I was more comfortable than I am it really doesn't matter to me as much as feeling right with myself and who I am as a human being matters. My job rewards me on a daily basis. Every night I feel like it was worth my getting out of bed and going out into the world. Helping others make sense of their situations really helps me make sense of mine so it's really a win/win thing for me. If I die poor materialistically but rich in spirit I will consider my life a great success.

I click with the adult population and that is who I treat but every once in a while I get a referral for a pediatric case and this is how I met little Omar. I always cringe when this happens. I am not a pediatric therapist and I'm really not a kid person. Did I say I am not a kid person? Yeah, I'm really not. I am an only child and my cousins were all much older than me. I never babysat, I've never really been around children a lot. I don't dislike them at all but I have no skills to call on when I'm around them.

The minute I met Omar, I was completely captivated. Enchanted. In love. I wish I took a picture of him so I could show you how adorable this boy was. He had the hugest sparkly brown eyes I've ever seen and his smile was infectious. Just looking at him made me happy. He and his family were Spanish speaking so I always had my translator Miguel with me when I visited Omar. Miguel was in love with him too. He used to just give him dollar bills to play with and keep. When Miguel would ask "are we going to see Omar today?" I knew it was serious love.

Omar's family was poor. They lived in a basement that looked as if it was meant for storage. The floors were concrete, it was chilly and damp but Omar's mother seemed to make it a home. This family was so poor, he didn't really have any toys. I had to buy some for him to play with so we could do our activities together. Even with all these hardships, there was more love and warmth in that home than any 5th avenue penthouse I've been in and I've been in quite a few. It was obvious that he was adored by his family. His brother and sister, Mother and Father. They all seemed to light up around him. Even the physical therapist who was on this case with me said to me "I have a son, and I think my son is cute but Omar, Omar is REALLY cute!"

Omar was the first child that ever made me think about having one of my own. I used to think about him and his struggle with his illness and his spunky little spirit when I complained about stupid things. No matter what he was going through he tried so hard to be "normal'. He would run to the door and open it for me when I rang the bell. He would play with me when I could tell he was tired. The entire time he laughed and smiled and lit up the room. He was a magical child. He was in and out of the hospital quite a bit but before Christmas he was improving and looked wonderful.

Today, Miguel and I were driving on his block and Miguel turned to me and said "I wonder how Omar is doing?" Just as he said this we came to the building and there was a large poster board written in Spanish. His picture was above the writing. I felt a surge of nausea when I realized what this was. Omar died last Friday night at the age of 4 of complications from a brain tumor. To say that I am heartbroken is an understatement. Miguel, tough Dominican man that he is, turned to me and we hugged and both broke out into uncontrollable sobs. I have never been affected by the death of one of my patients like this before and a lot of them have died on me. I've been to a lot of funerals and seen people come and go but this, this was something I have never experienced before. The rest of my day today was a haze. I don't even remember how many times I've cried and I'm still crying right now.

I thought a lot about all of this and speculated in circles to try and make sense of it. There is no making sense of something like this. One of my patients who is in her 80's told me she wanted to die and has had enough and I kept thinking to myself, how unfair is it that this beautiful child was taken and someone who doesn't want to be here and has lived a long life is still hanging on. No ones life has more value than another, we simply can't pick and choose who stays and who goes nor should we be able to but it's such a hard thing to take and I'm having trouble processing this one. All the platitudes like "he's in a better place" etc etc are making me very angry right now. If I feel this devastated I cannot even begin to imagine how his mother must feel. I wanted to go to his funeral tonight but I knew better than to do it. Just thinking of him makes me lose control, I cannot imagine seeing his tiny lifeless body and how that would impact me. The thing is, I am sure that his family will take this like most faith based Latin families I have dealt with along with way. They will go through a terrible time but they will call on their faith and trust that their Omar was needed by God and he was too good for this world. They will always have a seven day candle burning with his picture nearby, his favorite things around and his favorite drink on the table. That will be a constant till that day his mother leaves this world herself. She'll probably never pop a pill to cope, she will more than likely pray and devote herself to her remaining children and her husband. Sure, I'm speculating but in her I saw a selflessness and a dedication to her family and her God and that is what fulfilled her. She had her purpose and was happy with it.

Seeing how these people live and their love for one another despite their struggle to survive and make a place for themselves made me remember my own rocky childhood. My mother went through a lot but she managed to create stability and teach me so much. I don't think a lot of parents do these things anymore like they should. Families rarely eat together anymore, so many people never learn to respect others and they are so self centered it amazes me. I was forced by my Mother to do volunteer work. I was pissed at the time but I grew to love it and it really shaped who I am today. Even though I'm sitting here typing on one I think as wonderful and essential as computers are they have created the death of many real life social interactions and activities. People seem to be turning inward more and more and relying on pills and e-relationships and it's really sad and creepy to me.

I'm trying to see a lesson in this and it's really hard but right now I'm realizing that this little angels life had such great value in the short time he was here. He taught everyone who came into contact with him very valuable lessons. He showed me that wisdom and courage can come in very small packages and that life should be appreciated for the gift that it is because it is a waste to give into unhappiness and negativity. Why do that when life can end at any moment? It's too precious to take for granted. Knowing Omar has changed me for the better. I thought of him before today quite a bit and now I will continue to think of him and the graceful way he lived his young life and the priceless lessons he taught me and everyone who came into contact with him.

Rest in peace Omar xoxoxoxox

That's all for now

Fit for a King

2010-01-29T12:47:00.000-08:00

Public eaters. You know them, they are the people who are teetering around with their muffin/coffee/piece of pizza/fried chicken leg/ice cream cone...all the while oblivious to everyone around them. At least that's how it is here in NYC. Public eating, especially a meal is one of my biggest peeves. (My other big peeve is people who clip their nails in public, yes there are a lot of them but that is for another time to discuss). I used to work with a woman who once pointed out that in Washington Heights (uptown Manhattan) everyone seems to be walking around eating a single serving snack sized bag of chips or cookies and drinking a blue beverage. Now that I work in that neighborhood I see she definitely was not kidding.

Public eating is really at it's most disgusting on the subway.There is nothing worse and more stomach churning than sitting next to a guy who is dumping hot sauce on his fried chicken and inhaling his fries while you are just trying to get where you need to go unscathed. It's even worse if this person is standing near you or over you as you sit and you then have the added pressure of worrying about this person's meal landing on your lap. Once a guy was sitting across from me eating a McMuffin during morning rush hour. He was munching away, he looked completely normal in his suit with his briefcase. What I am about to tell you next will make your hair stand on end. He dropped his McMuffin and it went open faced on the FLOOR of the subway car. He then picked it up, each piece and put it back together and ate it! A woman actually screamed "NO!" A few people turned their heads and there were several OMG's murmured. It was truly disgusting. True story.

Yesterday a woman sat next to me and whipped out a bag that actually smelled pretty good. She then proceeded to eat french toast sticks from Burger King. As she ate them she dipped them into a container of white frosting. It was pure junk and I knew it but that smell was killing me. I do not eat fast food. I refuse to. I have not had it since I was about 15 and I was on an away trip for school and I had to eat it. I'm not an elitist snob, I love fries and burgers on occasion but I really hate fast food. I tastes artificial, rubbery and just horrible. I want to cry when I've had it, it makes me feel like I've just given up and am telling my body and soul to fuck off. So where was I? Oh yeah, the french toast hussy. Wow, that smelled good. Those delicious little bastard toast sticks were tempting me to eat crap but I was able to resist. It smelled so good that I actually made my healthy version of french toast this morning for breakfast.

This past fall/winter I was forced to become a public eater. Yes, it's true. I'm not proud of it but I had no choice. I was very ill and I had weekly Dr appts for my treatments every Friday at 9 am. Afterward I had to immediately get on the subway and go to work. The treatments made me really sick. There were times when I was in the chemo room with the other patients and I would lose it in front of them and they would give me crackers to stop the nausea. The plebotomist used to go out and buy me a roll to eat because he knew what was coming. I decided that I needed to eat something after the treatment so I made a habit of stopping at a good deli right at the foot of the steps to the subway. I would always get the same thing. An egg and cheese on a roll and a water. I had no choice but to eat it while in transit. I will tell you that eating in public was really uncomfortable for me. It was akin to people watching me go to the bathroom. I have no idea how people do it by choice and how they can have a full out meal like that involving a fork, knife, condiments etc. I always felt slightly ashamed doing it and classless, but it was either that or be really ill so away I went with it. I would occasionally notice someone staring and I wondered if they were thinking what I usually thought about public eaters. I wished I could actually explain but I just tried to get it down as quickly as possible and move on.

This morning a man sat across from me and he pulled out a fancy bag from Petrossian, the caviar purveyors. He then revealed the hugest pastry turnover I've ever seen. I don't know what was in it but he devoured it and his beard was loaded with crumbs afterward. I was mesmerized. Every time he moved crumbs would dislodge. I was wondering if this really huge giant shard that seemed to be front and center would ever take flight. For as long as I shared the ride with him that bad boy did not break free of it's beard lined prison . I wondered if he went to work at the health food store like that or went to his weight watchers meeting like that or met up with his wife who prides herself on him eating only her food looking like that. The thought kinda cracked me up. Other people read their papers or play with their phones or ipods and I focus on observing people doing strange things. Go figure, guess I'm just as strange as them.

That's all for now :)

The Coolest Guy On The R train Is........

2010-01-26T14:12:00.000-08:00

All Jazz classics, not even holding onto a pole or anything. What a supahstah!

Here's some "random" for ya in keeping true to my description of this blog

2010-01-26T13:56:00.000-08:00

In keeping with the random nature of this post, I did a random picture search and this sexy pic of the legendary Chuck Norris is what came up first. Aren't we lucky? It sort of makes me feel like he is kicking my ass and telling me to quit being so whiny and annoying and snap out of my funk. I rather like it.

Here I go again, in a tizzy and over what? Nothing has really changed at all in my life yet my perspective has. Do you ever get like this? It's a weird shift, kind of like there is a fault inside me and the rumblings of my emotions are my own personal earthquake. I'm OK for a bit and then I get these mini aftershocks of self doubt and negativity. I don't know why this happens and it's scary when it does. I'm a really big thinker. I over analyze everything. And I ponder, and ponder and ponder. I can take a situation and deconstruct it and see the elements of it in ways that most people do not. This is a special skill I have but it is not always a healthy thing.

Someone mentioned "Emotions Anonymous" the other day. I laughed at it but lately I think I really need it. I read a quote that went like this today "I want to live life with intention. " I really thought about that because it really struck me. Being back on my healthy eating program again has helped me restructure my way of thinking and my outlook on my life. Since NY's day, my actions have all been deliberate and related to a goal or plan that I have to improve myself and my life. I have been living my life with intention in this respect and it has really been working. Why don't I do this in every area in my life? I don't know. It has also done something else that I wasn't expecting. It has made me really feel everything super intensely. You see, food was/is my drug. Eating helps me numb my feelings, the bad ones in particular. I noted today that I have cried 3 times in two days and after feeling confused as to why I am so emotionally shaky, I realized that I am not using food as my coping device anymore. One of my favorite expressions is "face your stuff, don't stuff your face". Basically this is where I was failing and not eating when I feel hurt has been like ripping a band aid off my skin very slowly and deliberately. It hurts like hell but once it's off I guess I will be able to heal much better than keeping it on my wound forever, you know?

A wise person made an analogy that I felt like I myself could have made. She was talking about driving home through a fog and she said "the drive home this afternoon was all in fog, and it was symbolic of my life. I can't ever see too far ahead, so I have to go slower than I want. Things appear magically out of the "thick" air that I wasn't expecting. Every now and then there is a clear patch when everything is fine, then POOF, the fog, indecision, doubts etc. set in." I couldn't have said it better myself. She basically summed up how I have been feeling lately. The funny part is, I have been doing better than I have in years lately. I should be full of pride and feel like I am on the right track but for some reason I insist on beating myself up and feeling "not good enough" and full of doubt about myself again.

I have absolutely no idea why I am telling you any of this. I haven't written in a week and I just wanted to pop in I guess. Maybe someone else out there is feeling this way and reading this might help. Or maybe not. As I get older I feel better and better about myself. I do like this part of aging. I think I just need to treat myself as I would treat others and stop beating myself up over my flaws and weaknesses and if it is something the I can change I need to "live it with intention". I also need to remember that while I cannot change or control events or some situations that I have not been a party to creating, I can certainly control my reactions to those situations and that in itself is a victory.

That's all for now :)

Need a Belly Laugh?

2010-01-18T15:03:00.000-08:00

I watched this today and was laughing so hard my sides hurt. I LOVE Richard Simmons, he is such a fruitcake. Why did they take this show off the air? It was the best ever! ENJOY!

Working Girl

2010-01-17T17:45:00.000-08:00

I've been oddly silent this week, going back to work after being off for a week really is a horrible shock to a persons system as anyone who works for a living well knows. My feelings this week sort of fell into Kubler Ross's 5 stages of grief /death and dying:

1.) Denial: What? What do you mean my vacation is over? It can't be! NO! It's not Sunday night already! Where the hell did the week go, THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING!

2.)Anger: Wait a minute, this is not fair, I work my ass off and I get a lousy week off and now I have to go back to the unbearable grind once again? This is the thanks I get? Unbelievable!

3.) Bargaining: OK, I understand that I need to work to pay my bills but can't I take Monday off and make this a 4 day to start out with? I'll come back, I will but just don't make me live through Monday. Please, NOT MONDAY!

4.)Depression: Damn, what's the point, I didn't win the lottery, bills are piling up, no Sugar Daddy had appeared to rescue me from my life of drudgery, whoa is me.

5.) Acceptance: I guess I was meant to be a worker bee till I eventually drop dead from the sheer drain of it all. Might as well put on my big girl panties and get out there and do it again. Fuck my life, thankyouverymuch.

That pretty much sums up the Sunday Night blues. There's probably not a person reading this who has not experienced them, and I really do enjoy my job for the most part. All this has gotten me to thinking, I really need to find some sort of career or existence that would allow me to just do whatever the hell I feel like doing and get paid for doing it. Something that would give me more flexibility and freedom. So Lets see, what could I seriously do on a daily basis and be completely happy with doing for the rest of my days? Hmmmm. I am actively going to try and make a list here...

1.) Newspaper advice columnist. I can totally see it now. "Dear Fuss, my husband enjoys wearing my undergarments and I find this a little upsetting. He also likes to french kiss our poodle while we are in the middle of our intimacy, what should I do?" Yes, I would relish answering quandaries like this. I am made for this, please someone out there, let me have my own soapbox, I promise never to be dull or judgemental about it just give me the chance!

2.)Writer. Yep, I could see doing this for a living, I enjoy it, it would give me a chance to grow. Yes, this would be good.

3.)Professional baking teacher. I am a former pastry chef, this is in my blood.

4.) Any kind of assistant needed for the lovely Mr. Hugh Jackman. I mean anything. I would wash his underwear, scrub his toilet, just anything. do you hear me Hugh? I LOVE YOU.

5.)Taster/flavor consultant for a high end chocolatier. Munching on exquisite chocolates allllllll day long.

6.)Weight loss motivational speaker. I know, pretty sick considering the job above this one right? What can I say? I'm an enigma. I've lost weight successfully over the years and I have pretty much kept the bulk of it off successfully. I can motivate just about anyone to do it and I love getting people on the path to health. I'm not an asshole about it, I realize that people are human and struggle and the fact that I have been there and continue to be gives me an edge over someone who looks like a model.

7.) Beauty Advisor. I know enough about makeup and skincare to be able to tell just about anyone what will suit them and what will flatter them most. Add fragrance to this as well and put me in a cute little boutique sitting on a pretty velvet throne where I can be sort of like the department store Santa letting people sit on my lap while I formulate a plan for them.

8.)Professional best friend/Oprah confidant. There is no one more loyal and there for you than me. Just no one. I could seriously knock Gail off her high horse as best friend of the century, hear me now Oprah. I will be there for you, support you, you can tell me your dirtiest secrets and I wont bat an eyelash. I'll stay up on the phone with you all night if you're having a particularly bad crisis. You'll have a hard time finding someone as gentle, kind and understanding as me but in this case, you're gonna have to pay me for it.

9.)Professional bullshit detector. YES. I have gotten so good at this, especially over the past year. I seem to have developed an eerie skill for immediately being able to detect when I'm being manipulated, lied to, played with, etc. Oh sure, it sounds easy enough but trust me on this, there are some slick ones out there who might have slid by me in the past but now I am acutely aware of controlling or negative, self serving behaviors like never before.

10.) Gaydar detector. When your gay friends ask you if you think so and so is gay, well, what can I say? I am known for this skill and it is correct 99.9% of the time. (And that 1% margin of error is Ryan Seacrest, come on who does he think he's kidding? I KNOW I'm right on that one too).

Hmmm, nothing else seems to pop into my head at this time. Oh I do have a really neat ability to guess peoples weight by looking a them. I usually come within 5 to 10 lbs every time. I'm sure there are quite a few other options out there but for now, this gives me a few things to toss around as possibilities. What about you? Are there some things you could see yourself doing if you weren't doing your current gig?

That's all for now :)

Ode to an old friend

2010-01-11T17:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Black and Decker Pop n' Serve Popcorn Poppery,

We've been together for so many years I'm sure you're probably feeling taken for granted at this point, aren't you? Well, I was just discussing you with my good friend last night and I realized that you have been the one constant in my life for the last 27 years. Damn I'm old. Nothing else in my life has lasted as long as you so that's gotta mean something to you, doesn't it?

You went with me to college as a gift from my aunt Esther when I was a frightened teenager unsure of what to expect. I remember thinking to myself that you were a cheap gift and quite frankly I wasn't impressed with you. Boy did I have a lot to learn. You kept me company throughout all of those dateless nights in my dorm room. You made it into everyplace I've ever lived since I left the comfort of my mothers house. You met every room mate I've ever had. You stood bye silently and never judged me while peacefully observing every loser man I've ever seriously dated. You got me through weight watchers as I lost 89 pounds all those years ago and you continued to be there for me as I gave up those fattening chips that put some of that weight back on me. You were right next to me and my hot cocoa mug during blizzards, and you were there again in the heat of the summer when I couldn't really eat and just wanted something fun to nibble on.

What can I say to you? A cheap gift? Wow, I'm embarrassed to admit that I ever felt anything other than deep affection and dare I say "love" for you. After browsing through some of your distant relatives on Amazon recently, I can honestly say that they broke the mold when they made you. Your design and performance has never been matched since, not even by that snotty Cuisinart.

So tonight, I'm going to pull you out and show you how much you mean to me. I only hope and pray that you have another 25 years left in you my friend ,or that I go before you cuz I don't want to live in a world without my beloved pop n'serve popper.The thought of that is simply too much to bear.

That's all for now :)

I'm Back!

2010-01-11T16:58:00.000-08:00

Hey kids! How's the new year going for you so far? Are you making good on those resolutions? I generally do not make resolutions but I said to myself on NY's eve, "damn girl, you getting really puffy. Tomorrow you need to restart Weight Watchers".

The shocking thing is, when I woke up feeling disgustingly large and like a very unsexy humpty dumpty I actually made good on my promise to myself. I began counting points (weight watchers system) and I never looked back. Salad has made a big comeback, tons of water and herbal tea everyday along with very limited sweets and accounting for everything I put in my mouth. I have not gone to a live meeting yet but I have a monthly pass membership that I maintain even when I am eating badly. I always know that I will eventually come back to my mother ship and I always do.

This morning I weighed myself. Are ya ready for this? *drum roll* I LOST 7.4 POUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!. Never in the history of my dieting attempts have I managed to pull something like this off. Even when I was really big I could only lose 4 pounds in a week and that was the first week only. Generally I lose at a snails pace, about 2 to 3 pounds a month if even. I am back into my pants and they are not cutting off my circulation like a tourniquet and I only have 10 lbs to go till I get to my goal. ROCK AND ROLL BABY!

If you are feeling shitty about your weight and don't know what to do, I cannot recommend Weight Watchers highly enough. Thirteen years ago the program showed me how to eat and I lost 89 lbs. I spent my whole life as a very big girl and after my mom died I vowed to make her proud and be the best me I could be. She lost a large amount on Weight Watchers when I was a kid and that was way back when you had to make your own ketchup! They called it "legal" ketchup. I cannot even imagine how hard it was then but she did it and I learned by example.

My life has been completely different since I lost that weight. I can shop in any store, I don't have to obsess over something making me look fat because I'm not! I can ride a bike and hike and wear cute shorts and bathing suits and not be embarrassed. Dating is easier and my whole mental attitude has completely changed. I never regained the bulk of that weight, 20 pounds was the limit for me. Life as a normal sized person is such a joy that I never ever want to go back to the way it used to be. Sorry if I sound preachy but getting back in touch with my vow to myself to never be fat again kinda makes me that way. No overweight person is truly OK with it no matter what they claim. Overeating is not really about the food even if that food is really fantastic and you're enjoying it, it's about using the food as a coping mechanism or as a friend to help you deal with things you do not want to deal with head on. When I lost my 89 lbs I met the love of my life and I went back to school for another career. I made some great lifelong friends too. These events and the timing of them were no coincidence. When my food and eating is in control, my life is in control. Here's to looking and feeling healthy and hot in 2010!

That's all for now :)

Birthday Girl

2010-01-07T15:05:00.000-08:00

This past monday, January 4th, was my Birfday. Shame on you for forgetting it . Don't expect me to remember yours. I had a really really fabulous day thanks to the very best friend a girl could ever have, we went to my favorite fancy lunch spot and these pictures are of my lunch and our dessert. My lunch was simply fit for a queen. This lovely and aesthetically gorgeous repast can be enjoyed at Takishimya's Teabox restaurant. Takashimaya or "Tak" is a very high end Japanese department store on 5th avenue and 53rd street in Manhattan. The Teabox restaurant is on the lower level and they serve fantastic lunches as well as having a wonderful afternoon tea service. My lunch was a bento box which consisted of the most delicate and flavorfully juicy grilled wagyu beef, curried salmon mixed with baby greens, sweet potato with rice, tofu BBQ, egg custard with chicken and shrimp, curried crab roll and potato salad. Every mouthful was absolutely perfect and so delicious. They also have a vegetarian version as well if you do not eat meat. Trust me when I tell you that eating here is an experience. I always leave feeling like I've had the perfect amount of food and it is all light, tasty and healthy. They also have an extensive list of specialty teas and I have been choosing the plum cinnamon lately. It is brought out to you in a small ceramic pot so you can have it throughout your lunch as you desire. The dessert bento box was filled with a delicious assortment of mixed fresh fruits, a spiced creme brulee, green tea ice cream, a deliciously moist chocolate cake, two delicate buttery tea cookies filled with roasted almonds and chocolate and a green tea truffle. It was all to die for. Whenever I eat here I usually spend most of my time between bites exclaiming "OMG, wow, yum, OMG, what is in his? Mmmm, wow, oh my, etc etc". If you are in NYC and you are doing some running around and want to find a quiet, peaceful oasis from the maddening crowds, this would be it, I highly recommend it!

The Teabox is open M-Sat. Lunch is 11:45 to 2:45 so if you want the Bento box you need to get there before 2:45. Even if you do not choose the Bento box, everything served is delicious! Afternoon tea is from 3:00 to 5:30. It's not cheap(Bento box was $21, worth every penny) but there are plenty of places just as $$ that are nowhere near as good as this and it is a wonderful calming oasis in a crazy city! Check out all the beautiful perfumes on the first floor and the wonderful body butters and bedroom accessories on the 3rd floor!

That's all for now! :)

Elegance in Human Form

2010-01-02T14:01:00.000-08:00

She wants those cookies baaaaaadly. I can tell. I think her brows need to be a tad darker and sadder. What do you think?

Full Circle

2010-01-01T17:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, at the bank, a woman told me she loved me. She was pretty much a stranger to me and I to her. After she said it to me, I said it back and I truly meant it. Let me tell you what happened.

14 years ago after my mom died my entire life was a complete mess. I posted about this here before so I don't want to rehash it all but at this time I was jobless, getting kicked out of my apartment, my friends had pretty much deserted me, I was 89 lbs overweight and I was severely alone and depressed. I had nothing to my name except for a $2000 bank check from my mom's bank account that was mine after she died. I took that check to my local bank to open an account since my previous bank was upstate. The woman standing at the service counter that day took one look at me and offered to let me come in and sit in one of the cubicles with her so she could help me. I had been crying pretty much all day and nite, I looked like such a wreck. I sat down and she asked me what she could do for me. I explained that I had this check and I needed the money ASAP so I could move into a new apartment since my roommates were kicking me out and I only had two weeks to find something. I began to cry. And I cried. And cried. And cried. She never judged me, as a matter of fact, she took out a box of Kleenex and handed it to me and she let me cry my eyes out. I blurted out the story of my mothers sudden death and my terrible situation and my lack of support. She looked at me and she took my hand and said that every morning when she wakes up she thanks God for waking her and that I needed to start doing the same. She told me that everything was going to be OK, that I needed to hold on and have faith that God would not let me down. I calmed down and part of me really believed her or at least really wanted to. I finished my business and left. I saw her a few times after that, all those years ago and I always thanked her and we exchanged niceties. She was transferred to another branch and I had not seen her for a good 8 or 9 years, till yesterday.

Yesterday, on New Years Eve, I went inside the bank to use the ATM. I never do this but there was a line in the outside area at the ATM machines so I decided to use the one inside the bank to avoid waiting in line. I opened the door, and there she stood. Our eyes locked and at first, I'm not sure she recognized me but then the recognition set in and her face softened and she called out to me "look at you! you're all grown up! Are you a model now? You are gorgeous, you're so radiant and glowing! How are you doing?" I laughed and said OK and asked her how she was.

She told me that she was fine and that she was only here for today to help out, that she was still working at another branch. I looked at her and I said to her "I will never ever forget what you did for me all those years ago. I think of those words you said to me everyday, that you are thankful for waking up everyday and I try to be like you and be positive even when I feel bad". I then told her that she was a beacon for me that day, she was my hope that there were good people who actually cared about others out there and that maybe I would find people to love me again and I wouldn't always be alone like I was. I told her how much comfort her words brought to me and how much of a difference she made in my life at that terrible time. I began to cry as I told her these things because remembering it brought it all back for me, the desperation and the depression and sadness I felt at that time and I was also realizing how far I had come despite being so hard on myself from day to day.

She began to cry too and I said to her "I'll bet you never realized how much of a difference you made in another persons life that day did you? You helped me get through the worst time of my life and I always think of you and your kindness when I think of that time." She looked so stunned and surprised. She came out from behind the counter and put her arms around me and we hugged and cried. Then, this woman I never really knew put her arms around me and we hugged and she told me that she was proud of the woman I had become. She also told me that she was having a terrible day that day all those years ago. She was struggling with her own problems with her teenage daughter (who is now 30) and a man who treated her badly. She told me that she barely believed the things she told me but she knew that I needed support and positivity so she tried to give me encouraging words. I told her that I was convinced that my mother had put her in my path that day as my angel and that it was no coincidence that we met. We both ended up hearing what we needed to hear that day and she told me that as she told me to be thankful for my life it made her realize that she needed to step back and do the same.

We finished our conversation and we exchanged numbers and vowed to keep in touch. She then hugged me and whispered "I love you" and the funny thing is, I knew that she really meant it even though we do not know each other. I said to her 'I know we're strangers but I honestly love you too, you are a beautiful person". And that was that. Then, this girl who does not consider herself to be a "religious" person, left the bank feeling like I had just gone to church and had some sort of Epiphany, some sort of religious experience . It was such a joyful and meaningful experience. It reminded me that I had started out this day comparing myself to my cousins who seem to have everything and I was pretty tough on myself and now, I realize how truly far I've come and how much I have accomplished on my own. I am sitting here right now content in the knowledge that today, I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life and what happened today was no coincidence, it was meant to be. Life is funny like that, isn't it?

That's all for now :)

2009's Year of Behaving Badly Top 10

2009-12-31T12:01:00.000-08:00

Last night, I was thinking about "scandals" over the past year and how unbelievable the behavior of some people can be. What causes people to do the crazy things they do and why do so many people seem to have the warped sense of entitlement that they do? I don't remember so much of stuff like this happening when I was a kid. We had scandals and all but it just didn't seem so widespread and ridiculous. I know this is going to make me sound really curmudgeonly and old but I think reality TV and technology have a lot to do with this. Everybody wants a show, no one wants to actually work for a living and computers and cell phones and the like make cheating and having affairs a drop in the bucket. *gets off soapbox*.

So here, in no particular order except for my top pick, are the top 10 scandals of the year for me.

1.) Coming in in the top spot, My boyfriend Rod Blagojevich. Unless you've been hiding under a rock you know that this schmecksy little man faced federal corruption charges regarding the appointment of President Obama's vacant senate seat. There were also a slew of additional charges but the fun here was in his extremely delusional personality. He has made for scandal. Just looking at his hair makes me laugh. He still maintains his innocence despite huge amounts of evidence to the contrary. For some reason, I am totally in love with him. *NY's resolution to self, stop going for the bad boys*

Subcategory: Cheating Manwhore Bastards:

2.) Senator John Edwards and the pregnancy that brought down his presidential campaign. Remember this? Cool guy, great wife and family, had everything going for him? Cheats on his wife with an unstable nutcase, gets her pregnant and uses close friend/business associate as a cover up? Everything came crashing down , he was exposed, made requisite Oprah appearance with angry wife...end of story. *Fades into obscurity*

3.) South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford and the Argentinian lovah/soulmate scandal. This dude didn't even know how to cheat correctly. He basically disappeared for 5 days, turned off his work phone, a search party was sent out for him while the entire time he was in Argentina with his "lovah" for whom he made really cheesy, embarrassingly gushy proclamations of love for on national television whilst his beleaguered wife sat by with the beleaguered wife grimace.

4.)Tiger Woods. Tigers Woods. Tigers Wood? Tiger Would? Tiger Tiger Tiger :( 'nuff said.

5.)David Letterman bribery scandal. Dave was basically the victim (if you could call him that) of an extremely lame shakedown bribery attempt from the ex boyfriend of Dave's former lovah. This little lady was also involved with the briber who seemed to be jealous and pissed off and saw Dave as the answer to his financial problems. This man actually managed to accomplish the impossible with me. He made me see the cheater in a sympathetic light. For me, Dave actually came our smelling like a rose. BRIBERY FAIL.

----------------------

6.) Bernie Madoff. wow. Just...Wow. If the dictionary had photographs next to definitions, this mans picture would be featured next to the word "douchebag". He's not even a "douche". To me, a douche is a person who has committed a single act of douchery, a douchebag is someone who has committed several acts of douchery. Actually Madoff could be dubbed a 'douche lord". He is above and beyond and has set the precedent for others to follow.

7.) Balloon Boy. Ah, the Heene family. Lovely people. Pretending their 6 year old son had floated away in a homemade balloon.Attracted worldwide attention, closed the airport, called out the national guard, etc etc. Oh and guess what? It was a hoax. Mr and Mrs Henne thought this would be a cool idea and help them get a reality TV show. Only problem was, their 6 year old son sold them out during a TV interview and admitted that they did it for a TV show. Ahh the mouths of babes. I despise Mr and Mrs Heene more than I can say. They are disgusting individuals who deserve jail time for the trouble and worry that they caused. They are a fine example of everything that is wrong with people today.

8.) Chris Brown beating up Rhianna. Widely leaked pictures of a battered Rhianna circulated. Terrible story. Anyone who supports this mans career or buys his music after this is a meathead, plane and simple.

9.) Tareq and Michaele Salahi crash a state dinner at the White House and manage to bypass all security without and invite. They mingle freely with the likes of Vice President Biden and Cheif of Staff Rahm Emanuel. Oh, guess what? They too are aspiring reality TV stars just as those idiotic Heenes are. Can we please stop making reality TV shows? It seems to be bringing out the lowest common denominator in people.

10.)Michael Jackson dies. Wow. It's not like we didn't see this coming but still, it was quite the shock and so surreal. The whole celebrity drug culture became quite the topic du jour for a while. Actress Brittany Murphy's recent death raised the issue again. I don't know what to think of MJ's personal trials and tribulations but I don't think anyone could deny his immense talent. RIP Mr J.

So there you have it, that is what came to my mind when reviewing 2009, I'm sure there are more out there but these were the outstanding ones for me. I hope this next year is a peaceful and prosperous one for you and you achieve everything your heart desires! Thank you for coming here and reading my babble, I hope you've found a chuckle or two here and I promise to bring you a few more next year, kisses and hugs and a very safe New Year to everyone!....xoxoxoxoxox

LMF :)

Gotta Go?

2009-12-27T11:47:00.000-08:00

If you happen to be strolling through the Times Square area here in NYC and you are suddenly overcome with the urge to use the facilities I've got good news for you! There is a lovely young lady dressed as a toilet who sincerely wants to help you. She has spunk and a bubbly personality, which is quite a feat. I don't know how happy I would be if my job was to encourage people to void their bowels but hey, whatever works for you. Enjoy the go! Courtesy of the good people at Charmin :)

Christmas Ear Worms

2009-12-27T11:09:00.000-08:00

Last night, I had a hilarious conversation with my good friend about Christmas music. It all started because I was in the grocery store chatting on my phone with her and all of a sudden a horrible song came over the piped in music and I started to cringe and plead for it to stop. This gem was none other than that god forsaken "Wham" ear bomb "Last Christmas". You know it, I know you do, it goes like this Laaaaaaaast Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day, you gave it awaaaa-aaaay.Thiiiiiiis year to save me from tears. I'll give it to someone speciaaaaaaal". This song just sticks in my brain for hours and hours, days even, and quite frankly, it blows dogs for quarters. This got us talking about bad Christmas music. We came to an agreement on our top most hated songs and they are as follows.

5.) Bruce Springsteen's version of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town". What the hell Bruce Springsteen? I'm not a fan of yours but I think this is really lame and it makes me want to punch you. I hate that fake bluesy horn solo, Clarence Clemmons should be ashamed of himself as well. OMG, I truly loathe this song intensely. Take that hat off and stop acting foolish. Please.

4.) "This Christmas", written by the super talented Donny Hathaway and sung by everyone from Christina Aguilera to that nasty woman beater Chris Brown. It goes something like this (cheesy horn intro....da da da da da.....da da da da daaaaaaa) "Hang all the mistletoe, I'm gonna get to know you better,yeah THIS CHRISTMAS"....UGH. This song just bugs me intensely. I hate it. I can't tell you why, I would imagine a creepy guy to be singing it to a girl he doesn't have a chance with . I HATE it.

3.) "Merry Christmas Darling" by The Carpenters. "Merry Christmas Darling, Happy New Year toooooooooaaaaahhhhhhhhh" OK, I realize that Karen Carpenter's voice has been praised by many as a beautiful instrument but it honestly makes me feel like I am counting down backwards from 100 with the surgical team hovering around me in anticipation of me falling unconscious so they can slice me apart.

2.) Wham's "Last Christmas. First of all, I seem to be forever ruined for George Michael by his solicitation of public bathroom sex with unattractive men and every time I hear of him or see him I immediately think of that. Now I do not care what anyone does but it's just an association that I seem to have that ruins anything George Michael for me. I'm not a big George Michale fan before but I'll admit, I adored Wham as a teenager. Yes that's right, Wham. Andrew Ridgely, bless you wherever you are. I'd rather be listening to Wake Me Up Before You Go Go than this crap. Note the puffy highlighted hairdon't George Michael is sporting. Long Live the early 80's!

1.) And the number one worst Christmas song of all time for me is Sir Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmas ". "We're simply, having a wonderful Christmas time".Really Paul McCartney? Really? Are you really seriously singing this piece of shit as a legitimate Christmas song? You're a Beatle God Damn it! I expect WAY more from you than this embarrassment. I totally fell out with you during your "Wings" years but I managed to forgive your transgressions and now this? I heard a comedian describe the beginning of this song so perfectly it made me laugh till my sides hurt. He said " This song sounds like two Casios fucking." I completely agree with this assessment. What a horrible song from such a talented man. I am just speechless. This song makes me want to tear my hear out, boil my ears and smash whatever it's coming out of. 'Nuff said.

What the hell ever happened to the Nat King Cole, Sinatra type of Christmas music? Even that great Vince Guaraldi stuff, you know the Charlie Brown soundtrack? now THAT, That my friends is Christmas music! Oh, I forgot to mention that god awful Mannheim Steamroller shit. Can you believe they are on TOUR? WTF? Is there even a "they", it seems like one guy performing musical masturbation on computerized equipment. Please tell me this is not an actual legitimate"band" of some sort.You know their "Deck the Halls?" OMG, why is this on every third song everywhere I go? I just have nothing else to say.

Bonus Ear Worm:

OMG, there is nothing worse than this , just nothing. I totally agree with the poster who said this Christmas+ "The final Countdown"= Mannheim Steamroller. I have nothing else to add to this. I am just amazed that people go to watch this stuff live. What is to watch? I refuse to believe anyone I know and love would think this is legitimate entertainment and anyone who does needs counseling STAT.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-24T15:15:00.001-08:00

Today is Christmas eve and I decided for the first time in a long time to work a full day. I sort of figured that most of my patients would not want to be seen due to having family around or it being an almost holiday but I was really surprised to be welcomed with open arms. As a matter of fact, every single one of them was happy to hear my voice when I called them and said "Hi there, it's your therapist, do you want me to come and visit you today?" Every single one said "Yes! Please come!"

It made me realize something I already knew, that holidays are a lot of build up and hype and for many people, it can be a lonely time that reminds them how alone they really are, or how special the past may have been for them. One patient in particular is normally a very hard nosed, cold person toward me but today, she was different. She smiled at me, which she never does, and we sat down and seemed to interact effortlessly. She admitted to me that she was having problems with her Grandson who lived with her, that he in unemployed, has no motivation, depends on her for everything and is spoiled and disrespectful toward her and she is worried about what his fate will be when she dies. Both of his parents were drug addicts and are dead and she is all he has and vice versa. It reminded me so much of my own situation with my Mother before she died. I had a pretty rough childhood and I too was a lazy, do-nothing person. My own mother worried about me too and when she passed away I found some amazing strength in me that I never knew I had and I really seemed to pull myself together in a shocking way. I told her my story and she said to me "but you had a mother", etc etc. I explained to her that my Mother had an illness that ruined a lot of my childhood and forced me to grow up as a small child and I had no other family to depend on. I said to her "the only advantage I have ever had over you is being white, everything else in my life was horrible and a struggle from day one." We locked eyes and we truly connected. We held hands. She listened to me, I assured her that her grandson would be OK without her, that it would be hard for him but he would surely pull out those values she taught him and get it together eventually. She hugged me and we both cried. I made a new friend today and it was worth working on Christmas eve for this alone.

The rest of my day was spent with 6 other people,all of them extremely nostalgic, telling me stories about long ago and hugging me hello and goodbye. I spent twice as much time with each of them as I do on a normal day and it was a truly wonderful day. I came home and spent more time on the phone calling in orders for them for wheelchairs and other things to make them safe and comfortable and I had to write a few letters justifying these things to get their insurance to pay for them. A couple of them called me and told me how glad they were that I came to see them today.

The thing about all of this is, along with my own life experiences it has given me the perspective and ability to really see that everything is fleeting. If you love someone tell them today without caring whether it's said back to you, just do it because things change whether you want them to, expect them to or not. I feel blessed and lucky that I was able to bring comfort and companionship to the people I saw today. I never thought I would be doing a job like this but I think it's perfect for me and in the end I realize that I need them just as much as they need me for it is in helping others that I have fully come to see why I am continuing to exist despite questioning it after some difficult times and a lot of losses.

Tonight, I am going to put out a crap load of food and eat my brains out (Shhhh, dont tell Weight Watchers) with someone I love. I'm just going to be grateful for what I have tonight and I'm not going to think about what is coming tomorrow. I've realized that while thinking about the future is normal, focusing on it too much can ruin my appreciation of what is happening at this very moment and I miss out on the good things in my life at the present.

December 24th and December 31st seem to turn me into a major guidette. All my Italian-ness come pouring out when normally you probably wouldn't even know I'm Italian. I eat the foods of my childhood, all old school Italian stuff and I am right back at my Aunt Tillie and Uncle Jimmy's kitchen table where everyone is crowded around and the meal goes like this...First macaroni (not pasta, we called it "macaroni"), gravy (that is tomato sauce, we called it gravy), then meat (usually sausage, meatballs maybe ribs or pork chops that were cooked in the "gravy"), then salad. At that time the women all go do the dishes, the men all smoke cigars and talk. Then we all re-adjourn for big bowls of nuts (everyone is given a nut cracker), fresh fennel sliced up and fresh figs and dates and then...coffee and cake. I don't do a production like that now but I do keep some of it and I feel small again when I remember how it felt to sit for hours with loved ones like that. I hope whatever you are doing tonight or tomorrow you are with someone you care about enjoying your time together. For you, I wish you a happy and peacful Christmas!

Smooth Criminal

2009-12-22T15:43:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, you just need to look at something pretty and this, this struck me as very pretty and a bit hot. Lovely!

Bad Girl

2009-12-22T15:19:00.000-08:00

Only a few days left till Christmas and I can hardly believe it. I'm not a big celebrator of it anymore but I still try to do something. I'm having my best friend over and we are going to hang out and eat something so I realized today that I needed to go buy some food. I went to Fairway, my favorite place to buy food. They simply have it all, even cooked foods and everything is delicious. I realize that I sound like an ad for them but I just can't rave highly enough about this place. For some reason I have been extremely lazy and I decided to buy already prepared things. Anyone who knows me, the former professional pastry chef, knows this is really alarming and a huge red flag indicating major holiday blues. I have always taken pride in my culinary skills and I actually enjoy showing them off but this year, just...no. I actually consider Fairway to be close to what I would actually make if I wasn't being totally lazy. I ended up with lasagna Bolognese, eggplant Florentine, meatballs, broccoli rabe with garlic and garlic bread. A huge chewy almond paste cookie and a walnut brownie for dessert. As I left, I was feeling pretty industrious and pretty good about myself.

I went to dinner with a lovely co-worker/buddie and I then set about my journey home with all my bags of rich, decadent food. Frankly, I was feeling a bit guilty since I always pork up over the holidays and I was thinking about my weight the entire way home and how I seriously need to expanding ass get back to my damned Weight Watchers meetings as soon as New Years is over. I arrived at my stop and got off the train. I trudged up the stairs and was a few blocks from my place when I heard a small voice behind me, "Excuse me, didn't you used to go to weight watchers meetings?" I froze in my tracks and turned around and saw a lovely young lady who indeed did attend the same meetings that I did. BUSTED. I looked down at my food bags and her and I shook my head in defeat. "Yes, yes I did". Turns out, she wanted to know if there was a meeting tonight because she couldn't remember the schedule. We ended up talking and I said to her, "you know, I think in the spirit of Christmas, the baby Jesus put you in my fat path to get me on track again!". We both laughed about it but damn, first I get busted by Vince the weigh in guy at Rite Aid buying candy (see old posts here) and now this? I am like a pathetic alcoholic with food, up/down, up/down over and over. She said to me, "well, you and I are always going to have to struggle aren't we?" I agreed and realized that while I may have escaped the alcohol addiction that seems to run in my family, I got hit with a food one and I really am an addict, only my drug of choice is cheese and good bread and chocolate etc etc.....I swear, I think that girl was a plant from Weight Watchers. Every time I am being "bad" I run into someone from my group like some strange secret message or something. Oh and lets not forget the emails and postcards from Weight Watchers saying "we miss you! please come back!" THEY JUST KNOW WHAT I'VE BEEN UP TO!

And with that, I am off to dinner!

OOOOh La La!

2009-12-22T14:02:00.000-08:00

Above are pictures of the lovely Caron boutique inside the Phyto Universe store on 58th Street and Lexington Avenue in Manhattan. I recently stopped in to buy some powder that I had run out of and I wanted to capture the frou frou feeling that I get when I'm perusing the perfumes and makeup. Every woman on earth should go here, you really need to in order to fully complete your badge of womanhood! Diane is the temptress who manages everything Caron and she is the most helpful person that I have ever encountered in all of my days of shopping. Those giant glass urns you see are all Baccarat and filled with the most exquisite perfumes you will ever sniff, and the powder puffs you see are covering the legendary Caron face powders that I am completely addicted to. Nothing else like them and I've tried them all. Stop by sometime and let me know how you like the place!

First Snow!

2009-12-20T13:15:00.001-08:00

Freak of Nature

2009-12-20T12:49:00.000-08:00

OMG, there are just no words to describe how disturbing this is to me. Click here for the story. Can you imagine walking around on this thing? It would probably be pretty exciting in your barefeet, I would think. *coughs*.....I'd probably be asking for a lot of foot massages if I had one of these. Would it be flashing people if you forgot to put your socks on? This would be the woman of your dreams if you had a boob AND a foot fetish wouldn't it? If this was me, I would have had thing thing removed STAT. Ewww. Hmmm. ICK.

Me, Myself and Irene

2009-12-20T12:33:00.000-08:00

Dateline: December 17 Th, 2009.
Time 2:30 AM.
Setting: My bed, snuggled in deeply in a coma-like state.

All of a sudden. I woke up. I wear earplugs. I know, its my quirk. I cannot fall asleep or maintain it if there is noise so I wear them to get a solid sleep but something jolted me into consciousness at this time. I popped out my earplugs and didn't hear anything so I began to go back to sleep and I became aware of a pounding noise. It was insistent and at regular intervals. Being in NYC, this didn't seem entirely strange to me. There is always someone up doing something no matter what time of day it is. If it was a weekend, that would be me. When I am not on a work schedule I am easily up till 4 AM. All of a sudden I heard a very faint, very weak and muffled : "help. someone help me." That was enough to make my hair stand on end. After a few minutes of this I realized that the cries were coming from above me and it all began to make sense. It was Irene, the elderly lady who lives on the second floor. She is extremely feeble and has been alone since her equally feeble husband ,Frank, had a stroke and is now in a nursing home. I realized that she must have been having a "help I've fallen and I can't get up moment".

The thing about Irene is, she refuses to accept help of any kind. Frank is the same way. They are old school NY'ers. Frank was a cabdriver, Irene was a waitress. Irene had flaming red hair and was a beauty. Frank was a gruff, no nonsense, Yankee loving guy. The kind of guy you would see in one of those old movies set in NYC. A real character. Really cranky, the word "curmudgeon" comes to mind. In all the years I've lived here, that man never once exchanged pleasantries with me. He would talk to my Ex about the Yankees in detail but me? No, he had no use for me. Irene once said to me "didn't you used to be really fat?" Yes Irene, I did. And now I'm not. But thanks for noticing.

Recently, I saw her and asked her how she was. She lamented being old and I told her to please let me know if she needed anything. I offered to shop for her, do her laundry, help her in anyway I could. She thanked me but I knew she would never contact me. As far as knocking on her door, she refuses to answer or let anyone in so that is not an option here. On this night though, she was asking for help from her locked apartment. Her voice was coming from the under the front window so I assumed she fell. I called 911. Within a few minutes the fire department was here, as were the police and the EMS guys. Over the next two hours they rang my bell intermittently to get in and out of the building. Eventually they got to her by using the fire escape and crawling through her window. Mind you, I was awake this whole time and tired beyond belief. I wasn't sure what happened but it got quiet and I got about 45 minutes of sleep before my alarm went off.

As I was leaving for work I heard a shrill voice calling out in the second floor hallway. It stopped at regular intervals and started up again. It went like this: "Duane...Duane...Duane...Duane...". Yes, it was Irene again calling out to the guy who lives across the hall from her. I heard someone come out and ask her what was wrong and I left. The next morning, it happened again.I could not stop thinking about this all day though. It made me so sad . I called my landlord and asked him is there was any family we could contact. He said no, she has none left. I thought about calling adult protective services but I'm going to talk to a social worker friend of mine first and determine what the best, least intrusive way to help her might be.

The scary thing is, I can totally see myself in her position in another 30 or 40 years and it freaks me the hell out. Working in home health care with elderly people, I see how people end up this way and it has been giving me nightmares lately after all this Irene drama. Ideally, I would love to die at a ripe old age while eating high quality dark chocolate and in the company of a 30 something gentleman who adores me and my wacky old lady ways. I'd like to be one of those old ladies who makes people say "wow, I hope I'm like her when I'm old". I expressed my fears to my ex and he said "there is no way you are going to end up like that". I questioned him "why?" And he responded 'because you are gonna die way before then". He was kidding but I was actually relieved to hear it.

Have you ever thought about how you'll be when you're old? I have and I think that as long as my mind doesn't betray me, I am going to be really eccentric and lively. Sort of like I am now but the elderly version. I'm actually looking forward to not caring about what others think at all. I'm 2/3 of the way there now, but I have a little further to go. In my 40's, I am sexier and more confident than I've ever been and I look better than I have ever looked in my entire life. One of the things I really enjoy is the ability to see sex and men as something enjoyable apart from all the emotional stuff that I used to get all wrapped up in. I'm really learning how to live fully in the moment. No, I am not a filthy whore, thankyouverymuch, but I now see people as experiences and I realize that not everyone is meant to be with me forever but with the forever ones, there is nothing I wouldn't do for them. I feel lucky to have a few very close friends who I am sure will be with me till one of us dies. I wonder if Irene had that? I don't think she did from what I know. She and Frank were hermits for many years and never had children either.They totally closed themselves off from the world in a scary way. This is something I am determined not to do. Hopefully there will be someone there to answer my cries should I fall and not be able to get up someday. I would be more likely to be yelling out "Awww SHIT! I'm down people! Can someone help me get my sexy ass up?" In any event, this has really made me think about the kind of person I'm growing into and whether I will be someone that people will want to check in on or not.

That's all for now :)

The Look

2009-12-20T12:23:00.000-08:00

The NYC transit system is a wonderful thing. sure, there are lots of bad things about it but generally speaking it amazes me that you can get from the outer reaches of one borough to another for only $2.25. Yesterday, I was on the train for a short trip and had a hair raising experience that left me a bit shaky.

I've been lucky over the years, I've only been a crime victim once when my apartment was broken into years ago. I've never felt threatened or at risk for harm even working in the projects on a daily basis, which is a pretty big deal for the many years that I've lived here in NYC. Yesterday was different.

I was coming home, the train wasn't too crowded but there were quite a few people out and about doing holiday things.I was sitting in my seat, minding my own business and there was a young Chinese man sitting across from me. He too was minding his own business. He was wearing earplugs and listening to music. At some point a small group of young people in their early 20's got on. They were African American. There was a young woman and two men. They sat at the other end of the train. After a couple of stops they looked at each other and got up and walked to the area where I was sitting. The seats around me were free. I had a shopping bag on the seat next to me. The young woman gave me a nasty look as if she was trying to intimidate me into moving my bag for her to sit down. There were about 6 seats that were vacant all around me so I did what I've done for years when people act stupid. I squinted my eyes, curled my lip a bit and turned my head away from her in a dismissive gesture.

I remember years ago when I first came to NYC and I worked with a bunch of women who had lived here their whole lives. At that point I was a total goober and I actually made eye contact with people. I am from upstate, people from upstate are friendly to strangers. I hadn't caught on in my short time here that making eye contact with people is something you never ever do here, generally speaking. My co-worker Margie showed me "the look". I remember her telling me, "you need to let people know that you will not be fucked with but you don't want to provoke them, you want to just look as mean as possible but not in an aggressive way. Sort of like you're smelling something really bad". So on that day about 23 years ago, I developed, "the look". I rarely use it, I rarely have to but yesterday was a situation that called for some serious vibe. When I use "the look" I never directly look at the person who is getting it, it's more of a general facial expression that lets people know that I am not a goober who just fell off the turnip truck yesterday and I have no patience for nonsense. Truthfully if someone really did mess with me I would want to run away like a scared little girl but letting troublemakers see fear only makes them happy that they chose an easy victim.

After getting "the look" from me, the young woman sat a seat away from me. The two men were on either side of me. Then, out of nowhere the woman took out a straw and in a completely shocking gesture she blew a spit ball directly at the Chinese mans face and it stuck to his cheek. She and her companions laughed hysterically. It was the most bizarre thing I've seen in ages. The Chinese man looked completely enraged. he flicked it off his cheek, pulled his earplugs out and said "what the fuck was that? you think that's funny? what the fuck is wrong with you?" He got up and I seriously thought he was going to pull out a knife or a gun and truthfully I would not have blamed him a single bit if he did. Fortunately he was getting off the train. It was my stop too as well as the people who were doing the harassing. We all got off and went our separate ways. I wondered a lot about that whole situation. Would they have done that if the Chinese man had been a 300 pound African American man? A Latino man covered in tattoos? What was going on in their lives that makes something like that amusing to them? Why did they not bother me? Was it my general vibe, look, being a woman? It also made me think about stories on the news daily about violence and murders and how it escalates from stupid situations like the one I witnessed and made me sad for those people behaving like animals. How does a person end up like that? Who raises people like this and how do they derive enjoyment from disrespecting strangers like that? Are their own lives that meaningless and do they really feel that hopeless that this behavior is normal to them?

In the end, I felt lucky that I wasn't targeted but also amazed at the workings of the minds of others. I truly wondered why people just can't be nicer to each other sand see that we all have the same On a humorous note, in the midst of all of this, a perfectly normal looking man took his shoe off and proceeded to sing a ballad into it with all his heart and soul. People just looked at him with stunned amusement. He really unintentionally broke the tension in the car. He appeared to be "normal" right up until the point where he sang into his shoe. It was quite the treat really. Just another day in NY :)

Playing Hooky and Wearing Gingerbread

2009-12-12T16:41:00.000-08:00

As Christmas and New Years get shockingly closer, I'm becoming more introspective and reflective. This week, I woke up one morning and decided to play hooky from work. It was cold and gray out, not exactly the kind of day you want to be out walking around but I got the urge to just be "in the moment" and to do something that I normally wouldn't do and be someplace where I normally wouldn't be. So I got on the train and went to Brooklyn, Williamsburg to be precise. This is an old neighborhood that is now artsy and full of hipster types. If I'm crabby it can annoy me but I didn't feel crabby that day and I just wanted to be someplace other than where I normally am so I went for it.

As I came up out of the subway I felt the cold air chill me but I also felt a strange sensation inside, I felt glad to be alive. I can't describe to you how odd it felt. I'm normally on autopilot everyday, I rarely think about how I feel I am so busy. I felt almost outside of my body in a strange way, like my senses were heightened by not being on a schedule. It was good. I looked around and saw people going about their routines like I normally do and I felt lucky to have a routine even if I was trashing it for a day. I felt a slight sense of shame at the complaining I do about this and that and I realized how much I take everything for granted. Then I decided to go to my very favorite shop in that neighborhood, a perfume "gallery" called "CB I Hate Perfume".

I dearly love "CB I Hate Perfume" and I feel lucky to live so close to it. It's not just a store, it's a place where you can time travel. Every time I go to this place I have so many vivid memories of past experiences, people and places I've been. "CB" is Christopher Brosius. He is a perfumer and he creates scents from his life experiences among other things. Sort of the opposite of a "perfume". I like to call it wearable art. Mr Brosius has an innate talent for creating scents that smell pretty much spot on to what he claims them to be. He has simplistic "accords" for everyday things like "graham cracker" and "roast beef. Would I ever wear roast beef as a personal scent? No, but opening the small bottle and sniffing it takes me back to Sunday dinners that my mom used to lovingly prepare and sometimes that is all I really want to experience. 'Bazooka 1974", "Soaked Earth" , "Doll Head", "French Bread", "Baseball Glove", "Kir Royale", "Buttercrunch Lettuce", "Suntan Lotion 1967", and "First Snow" all smell exactly like their names and all conjure up different memories...or not, based on your own personal experiences. There are also more complex offerings, "perfumes" if you want to call them that. They too are pretty much true to their names, "In the Library", 'Smoky Tobacco", "November", "To See a Flower", "Gathering Apples", "Black March", In the Summer Kitchen"...these all smell pretty much like you would imagine them to smell. Some of his scents even make me miss places I've never been, they are that powerful and reactive for me.

On the cold, dreary day I was at the studio this week I decided to treat myself to something in the spirit of the upcoming holidays. I chose to adorn myself with "Gingerbread". One light spray and I was covered in a gentle veil of ginger, cinnamon, vanilla and nutmeg. This scent doesn't smell like cake or food, it is a lovely blend of the elements of gingerbread and it is extremely wearable. It's a warm, inviting, soft blend of ginger , vanilla and spices. My mood was instantly lifted and I felt cozy, warm and happy. Scent instantly does this for me and Mr Brosius' creations seem to hit the mark every time.

I left the shop with my purchase and as I walked down the street in that bleak deserted industrial area near the water, the cold wind whipped through my hair and the smell of gingerbread wafted around me. It was only 3 pm but the sky was turning darker as it does at this time of year and daylight was beginning to fade quickly. I made it back to the main drag and found a little cafe where I sat down alone for some hot cocoa and a cookie. As I sat there observing others, a man walked up to my table and asked if he could join me. He told me I looked like an Angel which made me laugh pretty hard . Flaming red long curly hair and a cream colored sparkly sequined scarf must have made me look more innocent than I actually am, a mischievous Devil would have been closer to the truth. I welcomed him and we had a lovely chat about anything and everything. It was just the thing I needed at that moment and I felt like I was in the right place at the right time, exactly where I was supposed to be with who I was supposed to be with.

As I finished my drink, it was nearly dark and my new friend walked me to the train where we wished each other a happy holiday and a peaceful New Year. Within 30 minutes, I was back in my familiar surroundings and I felt as if I almost took a brief vacation. I highly recommend doing this if you feel stuck in a rut. Go someplace, do something outside your normal routine with an open heart and mind and see what it does for you.

And so that's it, nothing else to say. I hope you are enjoying the season and finding the warmth and fellowship that this time of year brings. :)

Amazon Oddities to the Rescue

2009-12-05T16:40:00.000-08:00

So today I was goofing off and I discovered Amazon Oddities. Did you know that there is actually an Amazon Oddities "community"? Well there is and I am now a member. Am I the last person on earth to hear about this? I am laughing so hard my stomach hurts. Reading this lifted my mood immensely and it also made me feel like I am not the only warped freak out there who thinks like this. I felt a bit more understood for my internal weirdness and quirky thoughts.

I particularly love the reviews for milk , and for this moving tome "What Are These Strawberries Doing On My Nipples? I Need Them For The Fruit Salad!".

This provided me with a couple of hours of non stop laughs. If you didn't already know about it I hope it does for you too!

That's all for now :)

The Magic Of Believing

2009-12-05T16:24:00.000-08:00

Holidays are a special time, a time when memories are made. Sometimes those memories are good, and sometimes they are not so good but for me they are something I hold onto as I age as markers for who I was at a particular time and the people who have made my life what it is.

This morning, I woke up and felt very emotional for some reason. It is the fact that it is getting close to Christmas? I don't know but I am. I cried for no apparent reason, I just felt weepy so I did and now I feel better. I wanted to write about two experiences I've had with Christmas that made me really feel like life is such a complex mysterious thing that always has a way of surprising me when I least expect I no matter how jaded I think I am.

Thirteen years ago, the first Christmas after my Mother died I was alone. I was still pretty numb and really wasn't feeling much except pain and longing and the worst ache and loneliness you can possibly imagine. Nothing made sense, I was just so inconsolable there was no point in trying to feel better, I just needed to feel my feelings and process my grief. I really don't think a person can ever be ready to lose someone they love very deeply. Even if you know it's coming, it just never makes sense. My mom died on my shoulder while I was driving her to a Dr appointment. It was a complete shock to look over and see her lifeless. Heart attack. She wasn't feeling well, I was visiting her upstate. She told me she couldn't breathe and she slumped over on my shoulder and that was it. I drove her car down the middle of the road in between the oncoming and going traffic. I got her to the E.R. She was revived. I told her I loved her, that I was going to make her proud and to never scare me like that again. She told me she loved me too but she was too sick to really talk. She was transferred to a better hospital where at 9:10 pm, she died again. And that was that.

After that, I plunged into a haze of shock and grief. She was my world, my everything, We had a very tempestuous relationship, my mother and I, but we loved each other intensely. I have no living siblings and my Father died when I was 5 so her leaving me was really the ultimate nightmare for me. I had no one. Friends were too freaked out by this and didn't know what to say so they didn't say anything and avoided me. My then room mates kicked me out because one of them had a friend from Japan coming and she had no place to live. Somewhere in all of this the one person who actually was there for me, my best friend, died from prostate cancer and I only found out after I could not get in touch with him for a week. His daughter told me. He did not want me to know he was sick because he didn't think I could handle it so he hid his illness from me. Oh, I also lost my job. So I was friendless, jobless, poor ,had no place to live and was totally alone. You could say I hit rock bottom. There was pretty much no lower to go than I had traveled.

Fast forward through some very, very tough times but I eventually found a job, and met the best friend a girl could ever have. She is like my sister and I love her dearly. She loves me and accepts me unconditionally, like family would, or should. I found a job and I found a place to live from a landlord who knew my story and gave me cheap rent just because he felt sorry for me and knew what I had been though. In NYC, that is pretty much unheard of. Angels were on my side and I began to see that there was a force helping me, within me, beside me. I couldn't put a label on it but it was like a flame within me that kept me going even though I seriously wanted to die on a daily basis. I remembered when I was at the hospital when my mom was near death and I sat with a hospital Chaplain in the waiting room and I said "how am I going to get through this? how am I going to go on?" That man looked at me and said "this is where your faith comes in". I was so pissed! I screamed at him and I said "FAITH? FAITH? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT AND HOW DO I GET SOME?". Now, I laugh at that and I wonder what that man must have thought of me. I was and still am not really a religious person. Even so, after all the things that happened I began to realize that no matter how bad things became, they always came back up from the depths. Faith, faith. Did I finally have it after all that? I think I was beginning to understand what it was and growing it .

For me, faith has been trusting in the fact that things will always be OK and not needing my mother to tell me so. Knowing that no matter what happens, I will make it, I will be OK. It may be a different OK than I imagined and the turbulently oceanic waves of life may keep pounding at the shore that is me, but the shore will still be there, strong and beautiful in a different way than it was before those waves altered what it was before the storms.

The week before my Mother died we were sitting on her back porch and I looked at her. She was stunning and I told her so. Her skin and eyes were glowing. She blushed when I told her how beautiful she was. We sat there together as the sun set and held hands and talked about life. Looking back, maybe we both inherently knew that we were going to be saying goodbye for a while very soon. I don't know but we seemed to have really come to an understanding of each other and all our bad stuff was behind us, we were truly best friends. I looked at her and I asked her a strange question. I said "if you could come back and give me advice after you died, what would you tell me?" She thought for a minute and she said "I would tell you to never make anybody so indispensable to you that you think you can't live without them because you can and you will. Also, lots of people love you but you have to LET them. If you let people love you, you will never ever be alone. " She knew me so well, years later I still think of those words and they haunt me. Letting people in, letting them love me is the hardest thing for me but I've managed to surround myself with a few amazing people who have stood by me through thick and thin and it was a very hard thing for me to do. The reward for doing it though has been immeasurable and I continue to try to keep an open heart to the people I meet as best I can.

The Christmas experiences I want to tell you about are extremely special to me and make me smile with inner peace and joy when I think of them. The first year after my mom died, I was in my new apartment, alone and feeling depressed beyond belief. I fell asleep and I seemed to be in this half asleep//half awake state. I felt like I was walking through snow at dusk toward the house where I grew up. It was cold and getting dark and I looked up from where I was and I could see the kitchen light on in the window of the house and I instinctively knew that my Mother was in that kitchen. The strange thing was, I was aware of the fact that she was dead. I was thinking to myself, "what is going on?" , but I was intrigued and kept walking. I got up to the house and I went inside. I smelled something good and I took my boots off and opened the door and there she was, my mother, in her favorite taupe turtleneck sweater with polka dots, taupe pants, glasses, just smiling and looking at me. I said "what are you doing here? you're dead!" She smiled back at me and she said "I know but I had to come back to see you because I know this is your first Christmas without me and I've seen how sad you are. I wanted you to know that I am still with you, you just can't see me anymore but I'm right here!". I ran up to her and I sat in the kitchen chair in front of her and she put her arms around me and pulled my head into her stomach. I could feel her. I could smell her. It was real. I cried and she wiped my tears away. She was holding her recipe box and I said "why are you doing that?". She said 'I'm trying to decide what to make for Christmas". I said again, "but you're dead!" She said "We'll it's hard for me to let go too you know!" Then we just hugged, and she felt warm and soft and I could feel her breathing in my arms. I felt her hands gently cradling my head. Then all of a sudden she pulled back a little and she said she had to go. I begged her to stay and she said she couldn't, that she was only here to tell me that she was still with me and still loved me and that everything was going to be OK. I asked her if she could see me everyday and she said yes but she couldn't watch when I was crying because it made her feel bad and it was too painful for her to see but she was definitely still there. I began to cry and I begged her not to go but she seemed to fade away and I woke up. I could still smell her. It was so real. Did my grief manufacture the experience? Cynical, scientific types will say yes, that I was in so much pain I imagined it but I don't believe this. It has happened since then as well. When I went back to school, when I got engaged. She always comes back to have a chat with me at these times and we both realize that it is a gift because she has passed on to another existence and she is only visiting me.

The second experience still takes my breath away when I think of it. It happened Christmas day, 5 years ago. It started that morning, I was laying in bed with my boyfriend, we had just woken up. I was in a funk and missing my mom, holiday blues. I was grateful for having him and for having his family accept me and love me but nothing takes the place of your true blood family and I felt that familiar ache for that bond that I now do not have. He looked over and me and hugged me. The thing about him was that he always knew what I was thinking at these moments and he never ever made me feel like it was something I should be "over". He knew how hard it has been for me and he accepted that part of me that no one else ever really has and probably never will. I never felt like a freak with abnormal attachment to my mother, I felt like a girl who missed a person she loved very dearly. It is such a big part of me that I think it is part of what keeps me from trusting people and letting them in, at this point, I don't even bother telling anyone about my past experiences because its almost too sacred and hard to talk about and I don't seem to be able to trust in that they will get it and understand me and my pain from my losses. On that day, he said to me "you miss your mom don't you?". I said yes and he held me and said he knew and that he loved me and we were going to have a nice day together. It was at that moment that I said exactly these words, "I would give anything just to see my parents faces again, to feel them hug me and to hear them wish me a Merry Christmas". And with that, we got up, got dressed and went off to his mothers house to spend the day with his family.

An important detail I must share with you is the connection between our families. His great Aunt married my Uncle many many years ago. They are both deceased but our families knew each other for many years, since the 1940's. Flash forward to now. His Uncle is a big home movie buff. Remember the reel to reel projectors? He had one of those and filmed every holiday gathering for years. We are both Italian, these gatherings were huge and there were always so many people you lost track of who was who after a while. Uncle Danny eventually decided to take all these home movies and put them on a tape for viewing on a modern VCR/DVD player. The tape was completely unorganized. It was eight hours long and no one has every watched it. My boyfriends mother had it and on that Christmas day that he and I were there, and she popped it in and we had it on in the background as we ate and talked. We weren't even really watching it and we didn't even know half the people on it. All of a sudden, his Mother called out to me "OMG! Look! Isn't that your Mother?" I looked up and sure enough it was! And not only that, my Father was sitting right next to her and they were holding a baby on their laps and that baby was ME! They both looked directly into the camera and waved and smiled and said "MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

Everyone in the room that day was stunned. People cried. No one could believe it. It was as if someone heard my words earlier that morning wishing for my parents to hold me and wish me a Merry Christmas and they granted me that wish. We rewound the tape and watched it again. I was so full of love and had such a feeling of support and acceptance at that time, I will never forget it. It was as if I got a confirmation that I am loved and protected and I still remember that feeling now when I feel forgotten and alone.

So today I am sitting here in my bed typing this and I am smiling because I feel that faith that I didn't seem to have before is right here with me today. Life may be uncertain and scary at times but there is one thing that will always be with me no matter what and that is love. For me, love is timeless, ageless and knows no dimensions. It will find you and stay with with you through the best and the worst and the magic of it is in believing in it and in trusting that it is still there even when life makes you question it. It is what makes being human such a wonderful and unique thing.

Happy Holidays to everyone and I hope you enjoy the season with those who you hold dear! xoxo

PS: the title of this thread was taken from a fabulous book called "The Magic Of Believing", by Claude M. Bristol, that was recommended to me by my best friend before he died. I read it cover to cover a few times and it really made such an impression on me that I wanted to share it with you. It was originally written a very long time ago, I believe in the 1940's long before the self help movement. It was then seen as good common sense and the message it shared has stood the test of time all these years later. It really helped me get through a time in my life when positive thinking was the antidote to my woes. I highly recommend it!

She's Bringin' Sexy Back...

2009-12-03T14:33:00.000-08:00

Heavens to Mergatroid! As a chubby gal myself, I am not one to fat bash but this is just unbelievable! This ain't a muffin top, it's a popover. It's the whole bakery! How does a person zip pants like this up? Skinny jeans, you doing it wrong girl! They have to be bungee closed. I want to see a front view please. I'm shocked that the button hasn't popped off and hit someone, maybe it has? How the hell does a person sit down in pants like this? It boggles the mind. Courtesy of PeopleofWalmart.com, my favorite go to site for a smile these days.

Featured Beverage Review: Drank, the "Extreme Relaxation Beverage".

2009-12-03T13:06:00.000-08:00

Drank. Have you heard of it? A friend of mine casually said to me yesterday, "whoa, I drank a Drank and it totally knocked me on my ass". "What kind of drink?", said I. "A DRANK!", said he. I was then initiated into the world of Drank, the "extreme relaxation beverage."

From a marketing standpoint, it makes total sense. It's almost genius really. Red bull et al has been popular for years. It seems totally feasible that someone would come up with and sell something that relaxes you instead of hopping you up. This is where "Drank" comes in. I actually thought it was a joke at first and could not stop laughing. Drank? I kept saying it over and over and cracking up. The tag line on the can is "slow your roll". Everyone who knows me knows that my personal tag line when asked about my behavior or preferences is always "hey, that's how I roll". It's just something that I've said for years. To see a can of soda with the phrase "slow your roll' on it well, it was destiny for me to try it. Off I went to my local 7/11 and got a can. It was pretty $$$. $2.99 for a 16 ounce can. I was dying of curiosity so I plunked down the $ for it and off I went.

I must say here that the whole concept of this was inspired by a "drank" popular in hip hop circles. That would be a mixture of narcotic cough syrup promethezine codeine and soda. It looks purple and tastes sort of like a fruity grape soda. That concoction has killed a few people. This one is harmless and has a lot of sugar mixed with things like valerian root, melatonin and rose hips. Some of those things are supposed to induce sleep but the amount of sugar in this concoction seems like it would render any calming properties moot.

On the can it says "we have combined Rose hips, Melatonin and Valerian Root with a great tasting beverage to create the industries first "Relaxed Lifestyle Beverage". These ingredients have the ability to relax your body, mind and soul, so when life comes at you fast just remember to "slow your roll" with DRANK.

So last night, I finished my paperwork and and decided to get my Drank on whilst watching the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree lighting on T.V. That was around 8:30 pm. By 9 pm I felt tired. I'm not sure if it was because of the Drank or my arduously long day. I was tired though. I also had issues finishing sentences ,but I think it was a placebo effect and possible "senior moments" I've been experiencing lately. The sugar in this stuff had to make any relaxing properties negligible.I can't be sure but I think it did. The thing that would deter me from drinking (or dranking) this again is that it has 220 calories per can! I am obsessed with my weight and never ever drink (or drank) my calories, I prefer to eat them. This stuff is loaded with sugar but it actually tastes pretty good. Sort of like a light grape flavored Mountain Dew. Way too sweet for me but not bad or medicinal tasting like some energy drinks are. I must say though that I had the best nights sleep I've had in a very long time. I slept from 11 pm till 7 am without any interruptions at all. This never happens, I always wake up throughout the night. Was it the Drank? I'm not sure. For now, I am going to continue to "slow my roll" calorie free with my Rite Aid generic "sleep aid" from the drugstore. That stuff completely renders me unconscious for about 10 hours. The bad part about it is the terrible hangover feeling I have in the morning and it is very difficult to get up after taking it. However, as a person who has insomnia at times when I really need to be sleeping, I need something like this to do the trick on occasion.

Thanks Drank, it was nice tryin' ya, you really did seem to slow my roll a bit. :)

PS......I forgot

2009-11-24T14:14:00.001-08:00

Someone sent me this link and I am still feeling uncomfortable after looking at this stuff but boy is it interesting! Take a PEEK! Can you believe that? I think the last gynecologist I went to still uses some of that stuff. YIKES.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-24T13:41:00.000-08:00

Things have been crazy recently, hence my lack of posts over the last two weeks! With Thanksgiving coming in two days I've been really thinking about a lot of things and this post is sort of me thinking out loud. If my quasi introspective ramblings annoy you this may be one to skip :)

This time of year is hard for me, there is no denying it. When I was happily betrothed to my ex, it became easier. I felt like I had "come home" again and had somewhere I belonged. Now, even though we are in each others lives, it's different. Did you ever just feel like crying but you couldn't really identify why? you just felt like you need to do it to sort of "purge" yourself of sadness, wistfulness or some sort of unidentifiable longing? Almost as if you miss a place you've never been to? This is how I felt last week. I had a very cathartic cry, one of those cries that knocks you out and makes you want to just sleep and sleep. So I did and I felt better. I realized that even though my life isn't what I thought it might or could be it's still something I should be proud of. And I remembered hearing a lovely thought from one of my favorite actors, Michael J Fox as he was recently promoting his book "Always Looking up: The Adventures Of An Incurable Optimist". He said " “Happiness grows in direct proportion to your acceptance and inverse proportion to your expectations. This is what I have today . . . I don’t have a choice about this, but I have a million other choices. And if I choose well, I’m going to be a happy person.”

In case you've been living under a rock, Mr Fox has had an insidious, incurable disease (Parkinson's), for many years. Technically, it has robbed him of many things he may have done but his attitude has allowed him to see the ways it has actually enriched his life, not ruined it. He was able to abandon his expectations of what he thought his life was going to be and by doing that, he freed himself up to really live in the moment and have some rich and rewarding experiences that he never imagined he would. His relationships have been much deeper and more meaningful than they would have been had he not had the challenge he has weathered.This is an attitude that I aspire to carry. It is difficult for me, I sometimes catch myself indulging in a bit of self pity now and then. I do not easily find many positive things about being "alone" and not having family. Both my parents and my sister are deceased. Aunts and uncles and my best friend too. I have never met anyone in my circle who truly gets this or has also experienced it and it infuriates me when people say they "know" how I feel. It's insulting and it invalidates my experience. Sometimes I just want to be alone and feel my feelings and come out again to play when it has washed over me. I don't feel sorry for myself but I need to respect my experiences and I am the type to think a lot about the whys and hows of life and try to connect the dots in the best way I can . After all, you don't have to obsess on the past but if you can't learn from it then what was the point?

Those who really love me and know of my fussbudgety nature pass the test. Anyone who tries to force their way in or pushes me to be social or talk before I am ready to repels me. Crazy eh? I feel blessed to have people in my life who know how to deal with me and accept me with all my quirks and when I really think about it none of the people close to me "have" to be close to me, they don't owe me anything or have any obligation to me and that makes it even more precious to me. Now that I think about it, it was pretty special that my ex was the type of guy who could deal with me saying 'leave me alone for a bit, I'll call you when I want to deal again". He was secure enough and wise enough to know that smothering me was certain death to us.

I met a person last summer who really made me reflect a lot on how I treat others. This person made a big deal out of the concept of "kindness". In the end, I had one of the most unpleasant experiences ever with this person and ironically, kindness was the complete antithesis of the way this person behaved. Strangely, he used religion as some sort of "costume" or "mask" that he donned when in fact, he was nothing more than a confused hypocrite who practiced this religion at the temple of self absorption. He was dangerous, he behaved in a manner that was completely irresponsible, selfish and hurtful but he was so self centered that he was completely unable to see this. In him, I saw something very sad and I was even able to pray for him. I saw a person who seemed to know that there is a way to behave and treat others but when it came to putting all these theories into practice he seemed lost and was unable to transfer the ideas and theories he had learned to actual behaviors. I was thankfully able to come to a place where I was actually grateful for that unpleasant experience. It taught me a lot about myself as well as others and it made me re-examine my own behaviors and really rededicate myself to being the best person I can be.

After a lot of thought, I came to the conclusion that most people are born with the 'core" of who they are from the beginning and no matter what books you read or church you go to you either know how to treat your fellow travelers in your journey while you're here...or you don't. Oh sure, you can learn things as you make your way through life and mature and grow as you use your life experiences but some of us seem to be able to utilize our experiences in a more practical way than others.

I have always asked myself these questions when I meet people and lately I am really trying to be brutally honest with myself in my replies.

1.) Are you listening or are you thinking about what you are going to say when this person is done talking? Stop and listen and shut your own thoughts off for a moment.

2.)How would you want this person to speak to you? Really think about that before you open your mouth and give them proper respect no matter how disrespectful they are to you. Respect encourages respect.

3.)What if this person was your own mother or someone else you love and cherish dearly? How would you treat them then? Stop and think about this before you act and slow yourself down.

4.) Are you bringing comfort and acceptance to this persons life? Are you putting good, positive energy out there? Are you making the most of this interaction or are you blowing it off and thinking of yourself and ignoring a person who needs your ear or genuine smile? You really do get back what you put out. You should never behave a certain way because of that agenda but if you are negative, hurried or hurtful it will come back to visit you at some point for sure.

5.) Will you be able to look back at your actions in retrospect and be unashamed and proud of how you've acted? Everyone has moments of douchebaggery but if they are just moments and not a way of life then I think you're doing pretty well!

I am grateful that I have been able to slow myself down and really treat others in a respectful way and I hope that I can do it more often than not in the coming year. My wish for you is that you can be the best "you" this coming year with very few regrets as well!

BONUS.....if you made it this far, you are rewarded with a KICKASS tunaburger recipe! No it is NOT gross so you shut your mouth there, I heard you! I know, you must be asking "Fuss, how much fun can a person take? Please stop, I'm about to die from the excitement of it all!" Well, this recipe is so damned good I wanted to share it. I got it from allrecipes.com. I like that they have reviews of recipes so I can save myself from making a bad one if people warn you in the reviews. I like to to eat these on one of those Arnold sandwich thins or a pepperidge farm deli flat with slices of avocado, red onion and sprouts. I oven bake 'fries" and have a nice spinach salad alongside. Yes, the fun never ends here! And these suckers do NOT taste even the slightest bit fishy, really. I normally hate tuna! I use low sodium Teriyaki too and only about half what the recipe calls for. ENJOY!!!!

Mack's Tunaburgers

Ingredients
1 (6 ounce) can water-packed tuna, drained
1/4 cup teriyaki sauce
1/2 cup bread crumbs
1 egg white
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1/4 teaspoon minced garlic
1/4 teaspoon hot pepper sauce
1 teaspoon vegetable oil
Directions
Combine the tuna, teriyaki sauce, bread crumbs, and egg whites in a bowl until well combined, and no large pieces of tuna remain. Season with black pepper, garlic, and hot sauce. Mix well, then form into two patties.
Heat vegetable oil in a skillet over medium-high heat. Cook the patties until brown on both sides, about 2 minutes per side.
Nutritional Information
Amount Per Serving Calories: 265 Total Fat: 4.4g Cholesterol: 25mg
Nutritional Information
Mack's Tunaburgers
Servings Per Recipe: 2
Amount Per Serving
Calories: 265
Total Fat: 4.4g
Cholesterol: 25mg
Sodium: 1663mg
Total Carbs: 25.5g
Dietary Fiber: 1.3g
Protein: 29g
VIEW DETAILED NUTRITION
About: Nutrition Info
Powered by: ESHA Nutrient Database

Laugh of the day

2009-11-11T16:04:00.000-08:00

Someone posted this story on another website I frequent and i just had to share it with you. I am still laughing just thinking of it. It came from a website with stories like it called "MyLifeIsAverage.com". I checked it out and it's hit or miss but when it hits it is quite hilarious.

And I quote:... "today, I went to the store to buy several things. At the checkout my box of Tampons did not have a price sticker on it. The checker got on the intercom and boomed "PRICE CHECK ON AISLE 7 TAMPAX! The employee checking the price misheard and mistook the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks" He came back over the intercom with "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?" I laughed for 10 minutes. MLIA :(

That's all for now :)

Dude looks like a lady :(

2009-11-09T16:25:00.000-08:00

For many years I have had this way of describing a certain kind of man when discussing men with my friends. I'm not proud of it but there are times when it is the only way to describe this type of man and everyone knows what I mean when I say it.

Conan O'Brien is one of these men. So is Barry Manilow. Politically incorrect as it is, I have to say it. Don't these men look like older, unattractive lesbians? Yes, you heard me, older lesbians. Are you getting what I'm saying? I'm telling you this because much to my shock, someone else out there feels the same way and wrote a hilarious piece that I myself could have written (not that I am lauding myself as hilarious but I just have had nearly identical thoughts and conversations about these thoughts with those who know me). Click here to read this piece. I am still on the floor laughing over this one. No offense to older, unattractive lesbians or the men who look like them is intended. Even better is this entire blog devoted to this topic. Click here to see this wonderment. I am completely sad about not actually coming up with this first. It's genius and I have a ton of men to add to this list.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, have some water...

2009-11-07T14:10:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone, I don't know about you but for me nothing says Happy Thanksgiving more than a blow-up pilgrim doll couple standing in front of a few cases of Dasani water. They were hanging out at the Entenmans outlet store in the neighborhood. After seeing this today I really felt like fall was finally here. Can the blow up Santas and Frosties be far off? I think not.

That's all for now! :)

My Boyfriends Back And There's Gonna Be Trouble....

2009-11-05T14:45:00.001-08:00

And this......is from a non-Republican. Love knows no party.

xoxoxoxxo

Resistance is Futile

2009-11-02T14:29:00.000-08:00

Thanks a lot Rite Aid, you are a filthy whore and I cannot resist you.

Taylor Made?

2009-11-01T11:35:00.000-08:00

OK, please don't hate me, but doesn't this bunny sort of resemble country queen Taylor Swift? It really does to me. Maybe it's just me. Yeah, It's me.

Happy Sunday, Happy Fall :)

2009-11-01T11:10:00.000-08:00

This last week was kinda rough, it just was. So I am going to do a self-indulgent exercise here to re frame my thoughts and get ready for a new week! I am going to free form with you about the good things or "bright" spots lately. (the pic is super tiny I know, I couldn't get a big one for you, it's mentioned below)

1.) Cooler weather. The changing leaves, the feeling of the end of a challenging year and the beginning of something new. I pray daily that I will find my way and make the most of my purpose here. This is something I really struggle with and I really hope that I'm doing the right things with my life and I will be at peace with how I've lived it when I'm finished. I've kind of been really down lately and wondering what all of this is for and feeling like my life is pointless and doesn't matter. I sense this may be seasonal, missing people who are no longer with me and feeling lonely for those people with a terrible, undefinable ache. Maybe it's related to being sick lately and wishing they were here to lean on when in reality I do have loving friends but it's not the same. I don't lean, I'm afraid to lean, I take it all on myself and ....ACK . I am in a TMI state right now and am promptly cutting that mess off. My point is, I am happy to have things shifting and changing and I am looking forward to what is to come even though it is bittersweet. Oh, bonus points in that is I am having the best hair weather of my life. The humidity levels are optimum for me looking the most goddess-like that I have in years. This is good. Just so you don't get the idea that I am too deep and spiritual, I had to remind you that after all, I am just a girl trying to look at cute as possible.

2.) Starting up with tea drinking again. I am not a hot beverage drinker but as I told you, my constant struggle not to eat crap at night has been greatly reduced by drinking fancy teas. Really, if this is an issue for you, try this! I was lucky enough to make it to a teavana yesterday and a wonderful gentleman kindly treated me to a few small bags to try. The coconut ginger tea is my new favorite. It is so interesting and satisfying. There is also a new one called Treviso tiramisu. YUMMO! This is an excellent dessert one. It replaced my munching on sweets last night. I highly recommend trying this if you are a struggling former or current fatty with a few to lose like me. not that you want to envision this but I already feel less bloated! WOOT!

3.)My crush on Mike Bloomberg. Yeah, I know. I'm a sad old woman who probably has 20 cats and knits cozies for the back of my toilet. No, not really. I love HIM, I really do. Daydreaming about him reminds me of when I was 13 and had the hots for Scott Baio or Leif Garrett. *twirls hair and doodles "Mrs. Mike Bloomberg", ahhhhh*

4.)Finally getting to wear boots I spent and OBSCENE amount on. Hear me now John Fluevog, you are ordered to cease and desist the making of your beautiful comfortable extremely costly shoes and boots. I simply cannot afford them and I'm being driven to mentally percolate horrible scenarios as to how I can score more of them in unsavory ways. I feel almost as much passion for these shoes as I do for my beloved Mike. I think if I was ever in a situation where I was wearing my Fluevogs AND standing next to Mike I would probably just spontaneously combust, for life would be just too good. Yes, if I could choose my death it would be to die while out at dinner or even on vacation with Mike and wearing my Fluevogs. Now that's the stuff dreams are made of kiddos.

5.)Pumpkin everything. Being a miserable beeatch who is always conscious of everything I eat I am extremely tempted to go nuts with pumpkin baked goods right now. I love this time of year and all the spices that are in cakes and cookies. I restrain myself daily from Starbucks pumpkin scones but it ain't easy. It's killing me. I had one and I stopped the habit immediately. I also am dying to make my mom's pumpkin bread and pumpkin cookies. But I will not. I am putting up the good fight because I know I am a hopeless beast with no self control and I will eat till it's all gone and then torture everyone I know with the dreaded 'does this make me look fat" question when I know that yes, it does because, yes, you are fat you cake eating hog you.

Just for fun, here is my favorite Carrot Cookie which I turned into a pumpkin cookie by substituting pumpkin for the mashed carrots. This recipe came from a beloved old farm in upstate N.Y called Westheimers Carrot Barn. It was sold and is not the carrot barn anymore but for years my dear mother and I used to go there and enjoy all the fresh vegetables and the little bakery where local ladies made some of the most delicious cakes, cookies, pies and salads and dishes with the vegetables grown there that you've ever tasted. They used to put out a small booklet of those recipes and I lost it. I got ballsy and googled the phone number of the Westheimers and called them. They were shocked that someone was calling them for a cookie recipe. But hey, that's how I roll. I loved these cookies and nothing would stop me from getting the recipe again as long as it is out there! Oh and by the way, Mr Westheimer is the brother of Dr Ruth Westheimer that eccentric little sex therapist who used to be on TV a lot in the 80's. so maybe I should call these "Sexy Carrot Cookies'?...or maybe not.

Millie's Carrot Cookies (or pumpkin if you like)

I cup carrots cooked and mashed (this is a one pound bag before cooking)
1 cup shortening (I always use butter)
1 cup sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup chopped nuts (I leave out)
1/2 cup raisins

sift together
2 cups flour
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp cinnamon
1/4 tsp salt

Cream together butter, sugar, egg and vanilla. Add mashed carrots (or pumpkin, if you do use pumpkin get the plain stuff without sugar or spices, NOT the pie ready stuff)
Now, add the dry ingredients. fold in the nuts and raisins. I sometimes do not use raisins and nuts, I like to add a cup of chocolate chips.. Bake on a greased cookie sheet (I use parchment) for 10 minutes. Delish plain or iced with a confectioners sugar glaze or a browned butter glaze! They are also heavenly with a cream cheese icing sprinkled with coconut. Damn you, now I want to make them!

6.) OK., I will admit this to you with reservations, and only you because quite frankly I'm a bit ashamed of myself. I wandered over to overstock.com and spotted quite the stunning winter coat. Now to be honest,I have many winter coats, but they all seem to be down and for comfort. I don't have anything "dressy" to speak of. This is probably because I am always freezing and I refuse to wear something to look hot in if it makes me really uncomfortable. This one just called out to me though. It's a black wool military styled coat, very long ankle length. quite dramatic looking. The quality appeared to be pretty nice too. I immediately began to envision myself in this with my Victorian lace up boots and my long red curly hair and I thought wow, this look could really work for me! Lets get some naughty librarian/victorian lady "age of innocence" smouldering sexiness going on here! At that moment I read the details and people, I was shocked to see that this coat sprouted from the fashion stylings of none other than her highness JLo. Yes, Jennifer Lopez. I felt shame and questioned my fashion sense, but there was no denying this was a lovely coat and it was really cheap at that overstock price so I went for it. It is set to arrive this week. We shall see how great it is in person. I will report back. This does remind me of the time I fell in love with a lip gloss from Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's makeup line at walmart. Oh the shame if it!

7.)Today is THE DAY AFTER. I am off right now to search for some half price Halloween candy. It's my annual tradition every year. I call it "the running of the jiggly thighs". Sort of my tribute to all those brave souls in Spain who chase after bulls, you know?

OK.....that's it for now. sorry if this was a crushing disappointment for you but hey, at least you got a fabulous cookie recipe out of me. That alone was worth the 2 minutes it took you to read today, wasn't it?

Crush of the Month

2009-11-01T11:04:00.000-08:00

Dear Mayor Mike,

I think I am in love with you, yes I am. I love your amazing drive and that passion for achieving that just oozes out of you. The fact that you overturned term limits and are going for a third term as my Mayor actually impresses me even more. I am sick to death of that winey assed Bill Thompson crying ad nauseum about what a terrible mayor you have been and how going for a third term is "betraying" the trust of the people of NYC. Betraying? If having a passion for your job to the point of wanting to continue it and make new goals for your vibrant city is betraying, then I don't wanna be right! If people really feel like this loser Thompson claims that they do then I guess we will see that on Tuesday, but I have every confidence in your re-election coming to fruition.

I love that you refuse to live in the Mayoral Gracie mansion. Money saved. Is your billionaire self out of touch with the common man a bit? Oh sure, probably. Do I really find this to be a major reason to get you out of office? Of course not. I like the fact that you take the subway 5 days a week and the fact that you once dated Diana Ross totally impresses me. I'm not a really political person but as someone who lives in your city I think things have been really good since you've been in office. Economic issues are worldwide not just here and I think you are the man to deal with this sort of thing anyway considering your prestigious background and how you made something huge out of nothing.

OK, physically, you do sort of look like an eagle but dammit, I just don't care. I want you and I want you badly Mike. I have had it with unmotivated, sensitive nice guys. For once, I'd like a man , an "alpha" man, who has goals and ambition and makes things happen. Please consider dumping your longtime "gal pal' for the likes of me. I would make you proud, I swear I would. I'm a compassionate person, I could easily come up with some new charities for you and popularize you with common folk who think you're just a snooty billionaire. Oh, and I'm hot as hell so bonus for you on this one. Having me on your arm at public functions would really give you some cred in the romance department.

At least just think about it, OK? I'll be there on Tuesday with bells on voting for your sweet ass. Here's to another 4 years of bliss.

Sexily yours, , Little Miss Fussbudget :)

Gone In 60 Seconds

2009-11-01T10:57:00.000-08:00

NYC is a terrible, terrible place to own a car. It just is. It's like having a baby. Every morning, whether you are going anyplace or not you must get up. Unless you were lucky enough to find a parking spot on the correct side of the street the night before. This is due to an annoying little thing called "alternate side of the street parking". Every morning, you will see people half asleep and in their pajamas sitting in their cars waiting for the truck to come through so they can move their cars. At 8 am every morning the street sweeper trucks come through. They basically just stir up dirt in the name of "cleaning".This is why all cars must be on the same side of the street. The truck does a clean sweep of one side. If you were unlucky enough to oversleep and not move your car, you are towed, ticketed or both. There are "traffic enforcement agents" who will be at your car window with a ticket at 1 second after 8. I am not kidding. How do they do it? They are RELENTLESS. They used to be called "brownies" because they wore brown uniforms. This always reminded me of those little girl brownies, you know, the junior Girl Scouts? Well, they are far from innocent, they are downright nasty.

To be honest, they have the worst job on earth really. People in NYC are insane when it comes to parking. I have literally gotten out of the car and stood in a spot till my BF could drive around the block to get to it. I've nearly been killed by angry people looking for a spot like this but there are just times when you get so desperate you just can't drive around the block for another hour looking. It's that bad. We used to have to park 2 subway stops away and take the train here. If you get home after 6, you are pretty much screwed in finding a spot close by. Thank the lord for the invention of the Zip Car now.

I tell you all this to give you a flava of the dog eat dog nature of things here. I swear, I will die early from the stress of living here but I'd probably be bored anyplace else. Cue to my parking nightmare this week. Let me tell you that I have MAJOR driving in the city phobia here. I have driven for well over 20 years but I am terrified of driving in the city. I'll drive anywhere else but here. Actually, I failed the part on my drivers test back in eighteen dickity three where I was asked to parallel park. I simply cannot do it. I freeze up, I get really anxious and then I start to cry. I once drove around the block for an hour till my boyfriend came home from work and he could park the car. Yes, I am a parking loser. Where I was raised, you just drive right into a spot. No one ever parallel parks, it simply isn't done because there is no need to do it. When it comes to driving in NYC, I get all sorts of crazy scenarios that go through my head. I'm afraid that some nutbag (and there are plenty here) will shoot at me or get out of their car and beat me up if I even move the wrong way. This brings me to the situation I am going to tell you about.

There I was sitting in the car this week as my co-worker Miguel said "I'll be right back, I want to get a sandwich". He ran into the deli, I waited in the passenger seat. It was pouring rain. I was literally stuffing my piehole with a huge piece of cake that a patient of mine baked and gave to me. It was such a blissful moment that only a woman and her cake could understand. Then, all of a sudden this total BITCH traffic cop pulls up in her car and yells at me to move the car. I looked up and felt a sinking feeling. I saw Miguel only a few feet away waiting to pay for his sandwich. I tried to stall and that monster woman kept making hand gestures at me to move the car. She must have been low on her quota this week. There were no other cars around, we weren't blocking anything, she was just being a jerk. There was absolutely no parking anywhere. People, it was at that moment, with fear and dread in my heart, that I knew what I had to do.

Once again, I cannot express to you how completely terrified I am of driving here ,but my fear of her ticketing my beloved Miguel was greater, so I got my petrified self out of the car as quickly as I could move and I jumped behind the wheel of the car as she was pulling out her ticket book...and I took off. I can't say that I took off like a bat out of hell, it was more like a Fuss in a panic, this will be my new expression to indicate an intense reaction to something. I think this one may catch on with the kids and end up on UrbanDictionary.com . So, there I was, cake half in my mouth and half out, my feet didn't even reach the gas or brakes so I sat on the very edge of the seat and dangled my feet in hopes that they would make it. Poor Miguel helplessly witnessed this scenario with a look of utter horror on his face from inside the Deli, but there was nothing he could do. It must have been like Sophie's Choice for him. "Do I get my sandwich which I am really starving for, or do I risk getting a ticket and the Fuss having a heart attack at the wheel of my precious car?" The windows were fogging up due to the rain, oh and my cell phone rang and being a total dumbass I answered it. Not talking on a phone when driving is a law here . If I was stopped I would have been arrested /ticketed for like 4 things. So what did I do? I sped up to get rid of that dreadful traffic officer and I went around a truck and swung around the block twice to go back and pick up Miguel. He was hysterically laughing at my panicked state. He even high fived me when I jumped out and he jumped in behind the wheel. I was crying and saying OMGOMGOMG constantly and there was cake everywhere. Everywhere! It must have flown out of my mouth as I screamed in fear or something. The windows were almost completely fogged up and I had no idea where the defogger was and I was too hurried to look for it. People it was awful. true story.

The moral of the story? If you are in NYC or it's boroughs and you are driving a car you'd damned well better have a strong stomach and know how to parallel park. You'd also better have eyes everywhere and be able to read the signs that are on every corner stating when you can park there, when you can't and how much it's gonna cost you if you mess up. Oh and don't ever leave me innocently sitting in your car while you run into a deli for "just a minute". I don't think I have the constitution to deal with that dramarama and excitement ever again.

That's all for now :)

Thank you for bein' a friend.....

2009-10-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

OMG, Heavens to Mergatroid! What on earth???? Since when did Barry Manilow begin to look like a cross between Estelle Getty of "Golden Girls" TV show fame and Ellen DeGeneres? I was shocked at his appearance as of late. I just don't know what the hell to say. WOW. WOOOOOOOW. This confirms my desire to never do anything to myself and to age naturally.

The Frillies Came, The Frillies Saw, and.....The Frillies CONQUORED!

2009-10-29T13:53:00.001-07:00

Nice cover N.Y Post. In case you can't read the small print it refers to the Philadelphia Phillies as "The Frillies". Not that I ever expect journalistic integrity from the Post but as a Yankee hating person I take perverse joy in them being totally creamed last night in the first game of the world series. I'm not a baseball lover but years ago I had a totally madpassionatecrush on the almighty Mike Piazza when he was a Mets player. I even loved him when he dyed his hair blond and got engaged to a playboy playmate, that's devotion for you. I live in Queens, loved Mike, it was only natural that I would be affiliated with the Mets if I had to pick a baseball team to root for. Hell, I even own a bright orange really sexy Mr Mets T-Shirt that I wear to sleep some nights. If you ask me who is on the Mets right now, I couldn't tell you. I can tell you that I despise those bastard arrogant Yankees and I hope that lose, yes, I said it. LOSE. I concur with the man who works in the subway token booth at 157 st and Broadway. That is where this picture was taken today.

Manic Monday

2009-10-26T15:55:00.000-07:00

Just a really quick hello to the faithful few who are reading! I hope your week is starting out well so far.

It is Monday and today's events included:

1.) My hair caught on fire in a patients kitchen. (thankfully I was tackled by her son and ended up on my back on her kitchen table with a table cloth over my head and no significant hair loss).

2.) I stepped in a huge pile of poop on the street as I attempted to run away from a very scary unleashed attack dog who barked viciously and seemed to have a hard on just for me.

3.)As I ran, I tripped, fell, ripped my pants and smashed my knee into a garbage can.

4.) I ran into a man I loathe on the subway who didn't seem to pick up on my "I loathe you" vibe and was chatty for 8 stops. I never spoke once. It went on forever. I read war and peace, I learned Japanese and still, he kept on and on and on.

5.) Came home and cried while eating 6 Famous Amos knock off Oreo cookies and reading an article in the enquirer on why Lindsay Lohan looks 15 years older than she is. (drug use, smoking, poor nutrition and unprotected sun exposure in case you were wondering as much as I was)

Oddly, this made me feel a lot better and a smidge superior and I am now browsing eBay looking at crap as a distraction till Dancing With The Stars comes on and Donnie Osmond re-ignites my foul mood as his dancing and permanent grin fule my hatred for him once again. Oh and P.S....I've been forcing myself to incorporate a bit more meat into my diet for iron purposes and you know something? I actually feel better after eating it. I really do. I'm not a huge meat eater and I have gone for long periods of time without it but lately I have been trying to eat it a few times a week and I have noticed that on the days I eat it , I feel a lot better. Go figure!

Stay strong my friends, 4 more days!!

That's all for now :)

Crazy Cat Lady

2009-10-25T16:47:00.001-07:00

Can I just tell you that I had the funniest dream I've had in years today? I literally woke up laughing out loud, and as I recalled it I continued to laugh to the point of tears streaming down my face.

Briefly summing it up, I was standing in my living room with my ex boyfriend and he told me he was going to cheat on me. I became very, very upset and started to cry. I begged him not to. Then, all of a sudden I turned around and looked back and he was gone and there was a cat looking up at me. I somehow knew that the cat was him. I said "honey? Is that you"? And the cat shook his head yes!! LOLOL!! I said "Oh no! What have you done? Stop it! Come back! How can we get you back? And he shrugged his shoulders! A cat, shrugging his shoulders just like a person! To make matters even more hilarious I seriously said to him "can you communicate with me via text?" At that point, he pushed his cellphone open with his little cat nose and began to swat his big ole' paws at it and he tried to type! He failed miserably at it as he looked at me with this defeated look he began to helplessly whimper. I became very annoyed with him and scolded him for becoming a cat (doesn't this all make perfect sense to you?) and he got upset and ran off to a park across the street to which I responded by yelling out to him "you'll be back!" The dream ended with me sitting on my couch with Oprah and her saying to me "well, that's what he gets for even thinking about cheating on you girl, don't feel bad about it, he created this mess". Then.....I woke up!

People, I am still cracking up just remembering this. He looked so helpless swatting at that phone trying to "talk" to me. I actually told him about it today and he quipped "wow, I suddenly have an overwhelming craving for a tuna fish sandwich."

*Note to self* stop taking so many naps in the middle of the day after eating spicy snacks*

That's all for now :)

I Am Iron Woman

2009-10-25T16:43:00.000-07:00

OK, so I did it, I went for the IV iron treatment I told you I was going for. This post is going to be a bit bo-ring and self indulgent....hmmmm. Now that I think of it, not that different from my usual posts so WTF am I apologizing for? If you're here on a regular, you are a glutton for punishment and I probably shouldn't feel guilty at all for being boring. I realize that I am telling you stuff that only a mother would care about so you are excused from reading this entry. I just feel like documenting this ordeal, k?

First of all , thank god it was Friday and I had someone with me. I went first thing in the morning and I am NOT a morning person at all. People, I dragged my tired ass to that office thinking it would probably be uneventful. I noticed that the Dr had some award as most respected by his peers in a New York Times article/survey. He was a helluva lot nicer and more personable today too so I'm guessing I got him on a bad day the last time and he's not the schlub that I initially thought he was. So, he brought me into the treatment room and pulled out the iron vials. He had to use two. My veins are notoriously difficult to find so he decided to use *drum roll*.............THE BACK OF MY HAND. Have you ever had a needle in the back of your hand? It hurts like a mofo. He made the decision to not do it by IV bag and to just inject it. BAD CHOICE. He took some of my blood and mixed it with the iron and re injected it. I know, ewwwwww! As I sat there and it started going in my hand itched like there were tiny teeth biting inside my veins. Then, my hand and arm started to cramp horribly. I mean so horribly to the point where I began to cry and believe me when I tell you when it comes to pain and pain tolerance, I am a Marine. Remember that scene in 40 y/o virgin where Steve Carell is getting his chest waxed and he screams out from the pain 'MMMM-AAAAHH! KELLY CLARKSON!" Yep, that is exactly what I felt like doing. I had kidney stones and took no drugs and stood it and this pain was more annoying than that. If it was the 1800's, I would be the type to get through a major surgery with nothing but a brandy soaked dirty rag crammed into my mouth and a metal pipe to grasp onto. I'm that good with pain, but this shit HURT. Next week, we are doing this by I.V bag. No more going into tiny veins in my hand.

Anyway, the Dr commented that he has never had anyone have these side effects before. Gee, thanks for making me feel like you believe me dude. Oh, except for an "elderly" gentleman who felt some itching but nothing else. So I said to him, "well, it appears that you have finally met the fabled princess who actually feels the pea under her mattress now, doesn't it?" With that, I went to a room to lay down and wait a bit to see if there were any more goodies in store for me. Unfortunately, the "Wendy Williams Show" was on the TV and this made things even worse. I hate that woman. She is a horrible, shrieking, overly dramatic tranny-esque woman. I cannot believe she has her own show. Her audience needs to be bitch slapped for being so "woot woot' enthusiastic too. The staff must ply them with sugar before filming starts because they are far too hyper for what is actually going on. My companion was supportive and held my hand and thankfully talked over Wendy and her "how to look like Michelle Obama" fashion show. The only thing that would have made this worse was Donny Osmond popping up as a guest so at least I'm grateful to him for staying away and giving me some peace. This experience served as a gentle reminder that I despise day time television and the whole "being up early" experience and always will.

I laid there and just as I thought it was all going away I began to feel pins and needles and a horrible prickling, stabby sensation in my feet. Then, it ran up my calves. That lasted for another hour. I came home and took a very long nap and woke up with my "middle" aching and hurting. And I had a headache. Good times. I made myself get up and eat since I hadn't had food since the day before and it was now about 3 pm. Yay for Fairway's broccoli rabe, sausage and peppers and garlic bread. I now feel almost human again.

Oh, and I was told that I need to get a medic alert bracelet because the blood test from the last visit showed that I have a rare genetic coagulation disorder and if I ever needed surgery I would probably need a transfusion if I didn't get a special injection to promote clotting prior to surgery. What a damned day!

The perfect ending to this perfect day involved going across the street and buying a cupcake at the Italian place that sells these HUGE gloriously beautiful cupcakes. I deserved it dammit. It was a cupcake day if ever there was one. That and a steamy cup of their maple milk. We will be back to our regularly scheduled programming in the next day or two and I will not be dedicating posts to my health woes unless something really big happens. I know you must be like WTF? What will she be telling us next? The size and shape of her poop? To that question Dear Reader I say, no, I will leave that to the poop obsessed Dr Oz. That seems to be his forte.

That's all for now! :)

The good, the bad and the snuggly

2009-10-20T12:49:00.000-07:00

OK, so lately it's been crazy here. What with my erroneous health issues and now balloon boy I just don't know where to start. Since I've been out of touch maybe I'll bore you with a lil' hodgepodge of stuff, k? (the pic featured here is in a video posted below, it's my "feelgood" thing lately)

The bad...

1.) Balloon boy. The only good part about this debacle is that it is providing us with a much needed break from the whole Jon and Kate circus.Wow, this is just unbelievable to me. I'm not really engrossed in it but from what I understand, two people who seem to be dipshits of a very high order managed to reproduce and decided to whore out their 6 year old kid for fame and fortune. Yep, true story. Apparently they staged a stunt that cost many thousands of dollars and shut down a major airport by pretending that their son was lost in a flying balloon. It was all a hoax. You know what? I hate these people, I really do. The thing that kills me is that their douchebag lawyer made a nasty comment that maybe the police should "slap the cuffs on them in front of their kids", as if the police were the ones with the problem! THE NERVE! These selfish assholes deserve to be humiliated and embarrassed. To me it is the height of arrogance and self centered narcissism for a person to actually shut down an airport and prey on the good nature of others to help them when the entire stunt was all...a stunt. I want to see their mug shots on the back of my cereal box next to the offer for a free coffee mug with proof of purchase. I am so glad that their own son got them busted by admitting on TV that it was done for a show. What did they expect? Did they really think a 6 year old would understand the nuances of the media storm that they intentionally created? Their stupid lawyer even made another derogatory comment that the police were creating a"'media circus"!!!! Um, earth to stupid lawyer! Your fame obsessed clients are the reason this whole thing is happening! They are the ones that actually CREATED the "media circus"to begin with!!!! WOW. I need to shift topics. I feel a blood vessel in my head about to burst. Or maybe that's balloon bopping into me. Lets ask the Heeney's.

2.)Donnie Osmond on Dancing With The Stars. OK, I have a really irrational hatred of Donnie. I don't know where it comes from but every time he is on something I get really uncomfortable and I need to change the channel and get away from him. He really makes me twitchy and he brings out a scary unfocused rage in me. Sort of like an epileptic person gets around flashing lights, you know? I can almost feel a seizure coming on, he bugs me that much. I have watched this show for years now. And now,this. The worst part is, he's a pretty good dancer and I fear that he is going to be in the finals. You know what I really want? I want a Donnie Osmond sex scandal. I really do. I think this would be the only thing that would make me like him. He's like a live Ken doll. I'll bet there is nothing there where his manparts ought to be. Ewwwww. 'nuff said.

3.)My favorite tea was discontinued. Yes, it's true. At the risk of sounding like a snooty priss, my favorite tea got the axe at teavana. Now mind you, I was never a tea drinker. I hate coffee, soda, etc etc. I only drink water. so last winter I had the blues and was trying to drop a few pounds so I decided to make tea a part of my life. I wanted to be a "gentlewoman". You know, like out of one of those turn of the century novels? I envisioned myself coming home at night, throwing a log on the fire, putting my horse up for the night with my sexy ,muscled stable boy Ezekiel and settling into my billowy white sleeping gown whilst my servant girl Hannah brushed my hair 100 strokes by candlelight before I gently settled into my large ornately carved oak bed on a cold winters night. With this totally realistic vision in mind, I tutted off to teavana.com in search of something a bit more exciting than Lipton. I ordered a few varieties but the one I totally fell in love with was Rose Marzipan.It looks gorgeous, it has dried whole roses in it, candied violets, toasted pistachios and macadamias and smells like bitter almond and roses. I've never had anything like it. When I drink this tea I feel special. I feel like a lady. It calms me and the scent alone is just mesmerizing. Add some honey to it and it tastes like loukhoum. It is fabulous. Imagine my horror when I went to re buy and it was GONE. I freaked out, called up the company and they confirmed that yes, they are thoughtless crazy assholes and did discontinue it. It would totally be gone forever in 2 days! I called a few stores and luckily scored some and I am praying that it lasts well. When it is gone I will cry pretty hard.

4.) I finally found Giant Cheetos and they are nowhere as good as I imagined they would be. For some reason I have a really terrible weakness for Cheetos. I can't explain it but I just do. When I was a kid my mom even gave me a bag wrapped up in wrapping paper for Christmas as a joke. It was the best present I got that year. Miguel, my interpreter, even gets me a 25c bag as a snack a few times a week. He is trained to get that small bag because I am a filthy animal with those things and have no self control. It's all about portion control, the small bag satisfies me, more makes me sick and fills me with self loathing for losing control with them. So when cheetos came out with Cheetos GIANT I was trembling like a virgin on her wedding night at the mere thought of a huge cheeto. It seemed like the Hugh Jackman of snacks. Could a snack possibly be this sexy and enticing? Was I really the size queen I seemed to be turning into? I found them after months of searching and I I have to say, the beauty of Cheetos is in the crunch from the surface area. there is more crunch in a smaller 'to. Larger 'to's are too styrofoamy and a huge disappointment. Word to the wise, this was a great idea in theory but poorly executed. As a self appointed designated snack consultant I feel that it is my duty to tell you that crunchy Cheetos are the way to go in the end for maximum satisfaction.

The Good:

1.) The cold weather prompted me to make my famous Lentil soup and yes, it is every bit as good as I remember! I posted this here before last fall but it bears repeating...

Tomato-Coconut Lentil Soup

1 onion diced
3-4 cloves garlic chopped or crushed
3 TB olive oil
1 Tablespoon cumin
1 tsp turmeric
2 tsp oregano
1 tablespoon gr coriander
2 tablespoons fresh (or three TB dried) mint.
1 Tablespoon smoked paprika (optional but I love it)
1 tsp white pepper (optional)
1 cup red lentils. (must be red, they will dissolve and thicken the soup)
1 cup green lentils
1 (28 oz) can tomato puree or stewed tomatoes (puree gives better texture)
1 (15 0z) can coconut milk (I use the low fat one)
salt to taste

Saute the onions and garlic, add the spices and cook a bit till the rawness is diminished and they are slightly toasted.( I also like to add a chopped chipotle and a bit of the juice it's in or a few shakes of chipotle Tabasco to spice it up but this is totally optional) Add 4 cups water (or broth if you are not making this vegetarian), add the green lentils and cook till they are almost done with the lid on...( I cook them for about 45 min to an hour) now add the red ones and you will need to add more water...add just enough for them to cook. This will be very thick but you will be adding other liquid in a bit so do not worry, you can always adjust liquid later. Now, cook the red lentils for about 20 minutes, they will dissolve and thicken the soup even more....add a bit more liquid if needed and now add tomatoes and the coconut milk and salt to taste, cook for about 10-15 more minutes till everything is combined. YUMMO.

2.) I have finally realized after years of self doubt and driving my friends crazy with analyzing the behaviors of others that yes, it's really not me, it's "them". The actual "thems" shall remain nameless, this statement in all it's simplicity and mystery may speak to the "thems" that are reading this out there. Or it may not.

3.) Ok, I know that admitting this is a testament to my lameness but I am totally in love with 2 new commercials for the New York State Lottery game "Sweet Millions". I am not a softie at all, kids and pets generally do not tug at my heart strings just by virtue of being a kid or a pet but every time these commercials cue up I run to watch them. The funny part is, my 250 lb burly male co-worker said to me the other day, "OMG, that commercial with the baby piglets and bunnies is so fuckin' cute, I love it". Then I got a delivery and as the UPS guy rang my bell and I opened the door, it was on my TV and even he said, 'ohhhh, the bunnies, I love this one!". So whoever came up with this one, you got me.

The song in one of them goes like this...

If you were a candy man
with eyes made of gumdrops
a heart filled with marzipan
then I'd tell you so soft
that I wouldn't share
'cause no one can have you but me
you're so sweet
you're so sweet.

Look at these and tell me that they not the cutest things you've seen in ages. The whole scenario is just so adorable and well, I'll go so far as to call it "precious". It's something that would normally make me throw up a little in my mouth from the cuteness overload of it all. I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm being taken in by baby piglets in their pajama's and corny music but I am. I want someone to get down on one knee and sing this to me. Yes, I really do.

BUNNIES IN TEACUPS AND ON UNICYCLES!!!

PIGLETS IN THE BUNKBEDS! CUUUUUUUUUTE!

4.)OK, as if we can recover from that cuteness above, This just in, Octomom, crazy attention whore mother of 8, publicly admitted that she has a crush on Jon Gosselin, crazy attention whore father of 8. I am hungrily rubbing my hands together and dying of glee here. The very image of them having 16 kids for the weekend tickles me. I am sitting here with baited breath eagerly awaiting their sex tape. These two are human roaches, please dear God in heaven, let this match happen. I've got nothing else going on in my life. The thought of this train wreck is the only thing I've got to live for right now. Forget 2112, THIS would signify the end of the world.

5.) Honey Crisp apples. Mmmmm! I am not a big apple fan but I went to the farmers market today and got some of these and WOW. I challenge anyone not to like these. They are so snappy crisp, sweet with some tart, the juice literally dripped down my hand while I was eating this apple. I have never had an apple do that before. Major props to the almighty honeycrisp apple! *fist pump*

6.) It's that time of year again and IHOP has pumpkin pancakes again! YAAAAAY! I had some today and yes, the tradition lives on and they are every bit as wonderful as I remember.

OK, that's about enough for now. Wish me luck with my appt this week . I am a bit nervous and anxious about it. I will report back when it's over and I'm able to get online again!

:)

Newsflash...

2009-10-19T15:24:00.000-07:00

Aight, I will be doing a decent update this week I promise. Not that any of you are sitting on pins and needles waiting for me to speak or anything but I just wanted you to know I am still kicking.

Oh, lets do this like a tease for an upcoming episode of a lame T.V show!.....*announcer voice*....This, week on a very special "Little Miss Fussbudget"....Things get crazy when the fuss takes Friday off from work to start treatments for her severe anemia. Stay tuned for non stop laughs and sit back while she gives her nasty hematologist an attitude adjustment !

Seriously, I really am. I am going to the hematologist (he is so rude but I don't have the energy to find another one) and getting intravenous iron. This Dr talks to me like everything I ask him came out an an article from Good Housekeeping magazine. He is so demeaning. I've had to snap at him twice already. My iron level is a 2. Normal is 100! WHOA NELLY! This is the reason I have been such a tired, cranky bitch with no energy! And I thought it was everyone ELSE who was annoying!

Stay tuned kids! I will update this week with the latest antics and mayhem that ensues!

xoxox Fuss :)

Where in the world did the Fuss go?

2009-10-16T18:25:00.000-07:00

Just a little note to let anyone who wonders know, I have no computer! I am so very sad about this and trying to get it fixed. I have had so many things I wanted to write to you about but I am at a crappy Internet cafe and my time is limited here. The story about the guy reading a yoga book (yes, you know how I feel about these Yoga guys) on the subway who to tried to talk to me is gonna have to wait.

Last week, the machine up and died, yes it did. It has the "black screen of death" and a white cursors that I can uselessly move around. Other than that, nuthin. I have no idea what to do. The guy at the repair place wants to financially rape me to the point where I should just get a new computer so I am resorting to the almighty Gupta. Gupta is a man I used to work with when I was a pastry chef. He likes to tinker around with things and see if he can fix them. Worth a shot. I have tried to fix it myself but I am an idiot when it comes to these things. I can only get into the "rescue and repair" mode and then it asks me for "the path to the network" and I have no idea what they are talking about. I've tried stuff and nothing works and I really don't know what I'm doing anyway so here I am.

I'll tell you this, this Internet cafe where I am has turned me into a monster. In the past few days I've been here I've broken up fights between school kids and told a very loud annoying woman to shut up. I've been called "Ma'am", I've been apologized to and I've had a few people thank me and congratulate me for making people shut up. I'm the "destroyer" of this place. When I waltz in, and yes, I do kinda waltz into this place, people look up and hush. I think they are thinking "ooooh, there's that mean girl again". If you knew me you would be shocked. I am the most gentle person and I hate confrontation but I am paying $3 an hour (I know, wow) and I do not want to hear the drama's of others while I'm reading email and trying to do things in limited time.

I seriously miss having my tea while I'm writing, sitting in my comfy clothes, doing other things and going on and off here. I'm trying to make this a good thing and use the time to be productive but really I miss my computer! I hope to be back very soon. The good thing is, a friend actually owes me some $$$ and if that is returned I may just go out and buy a new one, we'll see. I will check in here as often as I can and really, if anyone out there knows what on earth the "path to the network" is, please for the love of Mike (who is Mike when people say this?)...please tell me!

That's all for now! :)

The Gift

2009-10-09T16:29:00.000-07:00

I know, it sounds like some schlocky Nicholas Sparks book doesn't it? Au contraire my friends!

Today, I was happily skipping through the day with the knowledge that it was FINALLY Friday. I've had a really bad case of the blahs lately, I'm thinking it's weather changes and my blood disorder situation or whatever. But I'm excited that I'm going to the Dr on Monday to get to the bottom of that so I was pretty OK with things today.

I have a wonderful patient who I seem to click with in a very nice way. She is Dominican, my Spanish sucks but I always have my interpreter Miguel with me to fill in the blanks so we always manage to connect. Anyhooo, I had to find a way to jump through bureaucratic hoops with health insurance reimbursement denials and I somehow got her insurance to cover quite a few things that she needed in her home to be able to safely bathe and dress herself and even to safely get on and off her toilet and in and out of her bed. Because of this, she does not need to bug her niece or her neighbor to help her bathe and dress herself. She does it on her own after today's session! She was so ecstatically happy, she pulled me into her bedroom and took my hand to her face and just said "Fussbudget, thank you!" (well, she didn't call me that but I will not reveal my true name here to you I will always be Fuss). She then cried a very hard cry and hugged me tightly and we just sat together for a minute while she hugged and cried and I actually started to tear up a bit. To see someone so grateful for me merely doing my job was really something. It touched me so much I can't even begin to tell you how it made me feel. It made all the irritating things lately not matter and it made me think of my own mother and what she would think.

I got up to go and she took me by the hand and took me to her dresser, she whispered something and she then tried to give me a necklace. I put it back in her hand and I told her no, no I do not accept gifts for doing what I am supposed to do. She became upset with me and I repeated to her that I am here for her, she owes me nothing, please never feel like you have to do something for me other than get well and more independent with your self care. That is my reward. She frowned and kept trying and got upset with me but I assured her I loved her without any gifts, it was OK, I would keep coming back to help her till she was better and not to worry.

I went to the bathroom, came out and Miguel and I left. We got into Miguel's car and he handed me the necklace. My mouth dropped. I screamed bloody murder at him. He laughed and said she was determined and she has a ton of jewelery and wanted to give that to me very badly. I made him call her and we put her on speaker, I yelled at her, Miguel translated, she laughed and told me to go out with my boyfriend and have fun while wearing the necklace she gave me.

The necklace matches the earrings I was wearing. It is something I actually would have picked out for myself. I love it. I got compliments on it all day today. I thought a lot about it today. I thought about how the people who have nothing are always the ones that give the most. This woman was a prime example of this. She lives on very little, she appreciates things people do for her and there is an authenticity to her that I connect to. When my mother died and I was left totally alone in the world with nothing and no one I became the authentic person I always used to admire. My mothers death was the event that made me who I am today. My life is now divided into two parts, during mom, and post Mom. She died on me , on my shoulder while I drove her to the hospital. She was the best friend I ever had, we were very, very close. I have no siblings and my father passed away when I was 5. We were everything to each other. After her death I was evicted from my apt and lost my job. My whole life basically crumbled and there was no one, one one to go to at the time.

Because of the lack of support from others , I had a very real appreciation for every thing anyone did for me or gave me. I was genuinely, truly humbled. I knew that no one had to do anything for me or help me in any way but when I was truly down and out, there was always someone there who had their hand out to me and pulled me back from the precipice I was dangling from. About to be homeless? Apartment came though. No money to survive? Job came through. It was magical. It was as if I was born again and I became extra sensitive to people around me and my interaction with them. I began to feel "protected" in a strange way. As if someone was watching over me and making sure that I learned my lessons and came out of that time intact and ready to use those lessons I had learned to help others.

I remember looking for a place to live and a nice landlord came down on the rent for me after learning of my story. I remember having no money for food and a new friend gave me her food stamps. I remember having no way to buy clothes and having lost a huge amount of weight. Once again, there was a kind person I barely knew who bought me underwear, of all things, and a few pairs of pants and some tops. My shoes had holes in them and I took duct tape and taped the bottoms. I went like this to my new job at the time and sucked it up till my first paycheck when I could afford the shoes.

I cried a lot during those days and I wondered why God, if he even existed, would leave me here alone like this to suffer. I journaled, I really thought a lot about my purpose and I vowed that if I had to go on living, I would make my existence matter in some way. I wanted to be one of those people who helps other people when they are having their tough time like I did. I try to remember this everyday. When I get caught up in stupid petty stuff, I stop, take a deep breath and I look at my shoes. Looking at my shoes is my reality check. I look at my shoes and I remember what it was like be wearing shoes that you are embarrassed to be wearing. True story.

Today,whenever someone becomes emotional about something I've done for them, I see myself in them. I remember what it felt like to have angels in my life that seemed to come out of nowhere when things were at their worst and all seemed hopeless for me and my life. Lately I have felt so lonely for my mother and some of the old feelings of sadness and wondering why I'm here like this with no family have crept back into my brain. I guess its normal to have feelings like this from time to time, any thinking person does right? The difference now is, I feel like I found a purpose and I try to contribute positive energy to the universe on a daily basis. When I don't feel like getting up, I get up and I thank the universe for waking me up with another opportunity to help someone who may be having a much worse day than me. I rest at night with the feeling that if I died tomorrow or even today, I tried my best and managed to make some sense out of some unimaginably painful events that I never though would make any sense ever. Yep, this is what I'm going to think everytime I touch this beautiful necklace.

That's all for now :)

The Perfect Man

2009-10-08T13:46:00.000-07:00

OK, I really hesitated to share the feelings I'm about to share with you here. I did. I worried that I would offend people, that I would come off as a bitter opinionated asshole, that I would even make people angry. But then I said to myself, " self, it's your blog. No one is reading your drivel anyway so who exactly are you shielding from your potentially offensive opinions?" And away we go......

I was talking with a good friend the other night and we got to discussing dating experiences as women and what to look out for as warning signs in a guy to avoid. It all started with the discussion of Yoga. Yes, Yoga. so I'm going to tell you why a man who does yoga is something to be avoided for me amongst other things that I've noticed over the years. These things turned out to be repeated red flags that I never should have ignored.

1.) Men who are into Yoga. It seems OK right? A man who cares about his health, fitness, being in shape?? Right? WRONG. Men who are into Yoga have ALWAYS, I repeat, ALWAYS turned out to be flakes with issues. My feelings were validated by two other women who had similar experiences. I'm sorry, but they have for me every damned time. Now women who do Yoga, well...usually and I say USUALLY they are OK. They just want to stay in shape. some have annoying Gwenyth Paltrow tendencies and really grate on my nerves with the stick up their butts and their elitist snotty attitudes, but it's not something that I ever noticed as a rule for all women who do yoga. Men who do Yoga are usually men who think they are "in touch" with their sensitivity. This would be...WRONG. Men who proclaim their sensitivity are usually the biggest assholes on earth which brings me to...

2.) The sensitive man. You know the type, the lesbian trapped in a mans body? He loves women so much he's practically an honorary woman. He keeps track of your period mentally and knows when to bring you your chocolate and tampons and trashy magazines. You're so happy you finally found a man who "understands" you, right? He may even claim that he realizes that we are the stronger sex, we are more evolved and men are cavemen, but when it all boils down to it, he will only be truly sensitive to his own needs and not yours. He may be able to pull it off for a while ,but usually his true bastardy antics show themselves and you wonder how he ever fooled you in the first place. This is the kind of man who makes you look for a guy who eats ribs, drinks beer and watches football.

3.)Men who love cats. Yes, male cat lovers are usually troubled individuals. I don't know what else to say here except that it's true. If you are a man and you love cats and especially if you own more than one, I'll bet you've been in a therapists chair for at least half of your life. If you haven't, you know you've needed to for a long time and you really should. :(

4.) Your name is Gary. I'm sorry Gary but I never met one of you who did NOT have a drinking problem. Why is this? And Gary's are always complete nutbags ready to snap at any moment. Once I knew a guy named Gary who had a cat AND he did Yoga. He was a triple threat. He had a chronic smile plastered on his face but you always got the feeling that Gary wanted to kill his entire family if he knew he could get away with it. He basically "ran away" from home to go work at Disneyworld. Honorable mention goes to Seth, Ian and Jason. My ex was a Jason, he was the most beautiful person I ever knew, till the end. Then he became demonic and hurt me very very deeply. He used things that he knew about me to hurt me as deeply as possible. He was vicious. Even though I have good memories associated with him, Jason is a name that I have had bad experiences with. I never met a nice Jason. All of them were the biggest underhanded douchebags. True story.

5.) Men who are Vegans. Come on, we are here to enjoy life, why would you do this? Yes, it's terrible to eat "anything with a face", I've heard it all before. You don't think animals would eat us if given the chance? Of course they would! Does it make us eating them right? No, it does not but there is something about Vegans that is almost cultish. Vegetarian's aren't as bad. I can see being a vegetarian, I go for long periods without eating meat but for health reasons I need it and cannot go without it on a permanent basis. It is even hard for me to eat more meat and I have tried lately but I find it difficult. The funny thing is, everyone I ever told that I was dating a vegetarian when I was dating one responded: "oh, that's rough", and they shook their heads knowingly. Everyone just knew.

You see, I do not eat to live, I live to eat. Food is a gift, it enhances my life and I enjoy it to the fullest. I am a health conscious person, I keep my weight down, I watch my calories, fats, sodium etc....but I would never cut out entire groups of food, never ever ever. I cannot fathom not eating a cookie because it has butter and eggs in it. It's unthinkable for me. I probably eat ribs not even once a year but when I want ribs I do not want those crap ass Morningstar Farms fake soy ones from the freezer section at the grocery store. I want to haul my ass down to Virgil's or Brother Jimmy's and put my bib on and go to town, thankyouverymuch. There is no way in hell I want to be with a man who makes me feel like I murdered my dinner or that I am morally bankrupt because I need the iron in beef to prevent me from needing a blood transfusion due to my anemia. (I know there are other sources so don't tell me about it, the B12 that I lack is in meat, plain and simple).

6.) Any man under 37 years of age. I'm almost wanting to say 40 here to be on the safe side but I think as long as we are out of the mid 30's you'll be OK. Yes, I know, it's random and seems crazy right? WRONG. for some reason. Something happens to a man at around 37. He finally begins to "get it" I know, I know, there are always exceptions so do not tell me about the guy who was 39 and the biggest asshole you ever dated. In general, most men in their early and mid 30's are crazy, confused flakes. They realize that it's not cutting it to just have casual relationships anymore. They may even SAY (SAY is the key word) they are looking for something serious when in fact, they are not ready to to take the leap to something more serious and committed. No matter what you say, I will always look at any man under 37 as being a very high risk dating experience if you want more than a few laughs and a physical relationship. They are good for this but nothing more. There are NO exceptions to the rule, sorry. no one and I mean no one gets by on this one. Even the married ones or the ones in relationships are ticking time bombs ready to blow at any minute.

Oh, here is a little tidbit for you on what to expect with these men, I would place a bet that if a man at this stage in his life breaks up with you, you'll get the "it's not you it's me" routine. I have always been tempted to quote the legendary George Costanza of Seinfeld fame when I've been on the receiving end of the "it's not you it's me routine"... " You're giving me the "It's not you it's me" routine? I invented that routine. Nobody tells me it's them and not me, if it's anybody it's ME!

The other popular break up method is just completely pretending you do not exist and cutting you off without so much as a word to let you know they are finished with you. This usually happens when you are getting along very well and they seem really interested in you. That is what makes the "Houdini" so shocking and unbelievable. This has happened to me a few times and after speaking with girlfriends they also experienced this. I would have thought it was me if others I know and love had not also experienced this. Men who do this are disgusting cowards with no respect for you and even less respect for themselves. They treat others as play things who suit their fancy at a particular time and then ,when they see a flashier toy or the newness wears off they get the compulsion to move on. They are gutless wonders who prefer to just mentally erase you from their brains and move on without giving you the courtesy of an explanation. 'nuff said on this one. Most of these men fall into the under 37 age range.

OK, so I guess I've managed to offend quite a few people at this point except for Gary, he's probably wasted off his ass and doesn't even understand anything I just said. "So who's left, who can I trust oh wise, experienced sage?" Is that what you are asking? "She seems to have eliminated all men on the planet, is there anyone who passes her rigid standards?" Why yes dear reader (I have always wanted to say that). His name would be Peter Griffin and he can be seen weekly on the show "Family Guy".

That's all for now :)